How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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Psychopaths and sociopaths teach us about the importance of love bonds

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I've been reviewing scientific studies for my next book on sociopathy and have found some fascinating research. A technology called fMRI enables scientists to monitor brain activity when people feel different emotions or do various tasks. A recent study has demonstrated that people high in trait sociopathy (psychopathy in the paper), experience no pleasure when cooperating with someone else, and no guilt at pursuing selfish goals at another's expense. Furthermore, when a sociopath gets over on someone his pleasure center lights up with activity. I know, we already knew this, but it is nice that scientists have correlated sociopathic behavior with specific brain areas. Love and moral …

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Most cheaters are amateurs; sociopaths are professionals

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Lovefraud recently received a very nice e-mail from the editor of HowToDoThings.com, complimenting the information provided by Lovefraud. She suggested that an article from her website might be of interest to Lovefraud readers. It is called How To Recognize the Signs of Cheating Men. I checked out the article. Now, I mean absolutely no disrespect to HowToDoThings.com, but the article describes cheating by mere amateurs, not sociopaths. Signs of a cheating man According to the article, all of the following should raise a woman's suspicions that her guy might be cheating: 1. He improves his personal appearance. 2. He finds fault with you. 3. Your sex life changes. 4. He uses a …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I met another sociopath on MillionaireMatch.com

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Editor's note: Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader. I went on a date last night with a man I met on MillionaireMatch.com. Looked great on paper. His photograph was so-so and I didn't expect much. We met at a restaurant and when he walked in I thought to myself, "Oh that's not him; he's too good looking." Well it turned out to be him. We introduced, started talking and he teased me, and asked if I was buying dinner. That was my first red flag. Why would a proclaimed millionaire ask me to pay? I thought perhaps he was screening out gold diggers. We never left the bar nor had dinner, although he paid for an appetizer and drink. He talked about his life …

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Veterans Day wake-up call: Sociopaths as military impostors

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Every Sunday my local newspaper, the Press of Atlantic City, prints the names of servicemen and women who died the previous week in Iraq and Afghanistan. Every Sunday, I make myself read the names. It's the least I can do to honor their sacrifice. Today, Veterans Day, the newspaper printed a story about a local young man, a private, killed in Baghdad six months ago. I'm afraid I couldn't read the story—it was too upsetting. Veterans Day was always important to my ex-husband, James Montgomery. He wanted to show his patriotism and commemorate the comrades he lost in Vietnam as a member of the Australian military. In fact, when we met, 25 years after Vietnam, Montgomery claimed he was still a …

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Sociopaths and Psychopaths: Have you no shame?

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Shame, along with guilt, embarrassment and pride, is a moral emotion. Shame is the emotion we experience when we discover a defect in ourselves. The expression of shame is a submissive response. It is an acknowledgment to others of the defect and the decline in our status that results from the defect. This submissive response shows to others our attempts to conform, improve ourselves, apologize, and make amends. Early experts in psychopathy documented that the absence of shame is part of the disorder. According to Dr. Cleckley, author of The Mask of Sanity, psychopaths are incapable of feeling shame. Because they do not feel shame, they blame everyone else for their problems. “The p …

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BOOK REVIEW: How to Spot a Dangerous Man

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Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader: I have been involved with a man for the past seven years. We don't live together but he has stayed at my home on and off. Anything rotten in a relationship I have had to deal with--lies, cheating, humiliation, emotional abuse and financial, not that he took money from me but sponged off a single mother. This man makes good money and has never made a commitment to anyone, lots of broken promises and excuses. He has a problem with breaking the connection with me, always trying to get back in and regain his supply. I believe this man is a psychopath/narcissist. I have reverted to just trying to remain friends but I don't think for him …

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Telling the truth about being conned, even when I look stupid

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Lovefraud receives a lot of e-mail. Usually the people who write the letters are dealing with the trauma of a sociopath, also called a psychopath. They thank Lovefraud for the information we provide, and ask for advice about their personal situations. Every once in awhile, however, someone writes an e-mail that is less than appreciative, such as this one from a guy named Tim: I had the misfortune to encounter your website today and must say that after laughing heartily at your story, I find your grasp of mathematics, statistics and psychology to be completely dumbfounding. Could you please explain how you arrive at the conclusion there are *exactly* 411 psychopaths in the Beverly …

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If someone has most psychopathic traits, it’s reason enough to leave

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Lovefraud recently received the following letter from a reader: My ex has almost all the characteristics I have read on your site. He lies habitually, is financially irresponsible, and lets the burden fall on friends and family, and he started to burden me from the beginning financially on a small scale. I had hints in the beginning that he was a jerk when he disrespected my father (I wasn't sure at the time if it was on purpose, or inadvertent), but at the same time it was confusing because he seemed so pleasant, helpful and charming. He also cooked for me every night and helped me with my kids, but as far as work goes, he was lazy and lied about working at times. He borrowed small …

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A close encounter with a sociopath changes everything

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O.J. Simpson is in the news again. On Friday, Las Vegas police named him as a suspect in an armed robbery. The fallen football star was allegedly part of a group of men who entered a hotel room and took sports memorabilia that once belonged to Simpson. The facts of the incident—including whether or not weapons were involved—are currently being investigated by the police. So here's Simpson's version of the story: He was running a sting operation to retrieve items that were stolen from him. He was in Las Vegas to attend a friend's wedding, and got some guys he met at a cocktail party to go with him to the hotel room. He says there was no gun and nobody got "roughed up." According to a vid …

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Psychopaths use our best qualities against us

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I am a person with a very strong sense of responsibility. If I make a commitment to do something, I honor my commitment. Generally, being responsible is considered a positive quality. But it is the quality that made me stay with my psychopathic ex-husband far longer than I should have. I knew he was taking money from me. I knew he was lying to me (although I vastly underestimated the extent of his deception). I didn't love him anymore. So why did I stay? I had married him, and to me, marriage was a commitment. I've written before about how psychopaths find our weaknesses and exploit them. The scary truth is that they also exploit our strengths. Nurturing qualities It takes a special …

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