Hello, Lovefraud Readers. A quick reintroduction: I'm Helen Beverly, an author and psychotherapist who writes under the name H.G. Beverly. I was married to a psychopath for over a decade and am still dealing with the challenges of raising our children “together” in a society that struggles to deal with psychopathy. I've written some posts about those challenges that you can find archived here on Lovefraud. Also, I published my memoir, The Other Side of Charm, in 2014 and am now releasing my next book one chapter at a time. You can find it here and on my blog at hgbeverly.com. It's called My Ex is a Psychopath, But I Am Strong and Free. This book details my healing journey despite fail …
Everyone’s Ex is a Psychopath
Hello, Lovefraud Readers. A quick reintroduction: I'm Helen Beverly, an author and psychotherapist who writes under the name H.G. Beverly. I was married to a psychopath for over a decade and am still dealing with the challenges of raising our children "together" in a society that struggles to deal with psychopathy. I've written some posts about those challenges that you can find archived here on Lovefraud. Also, I published my memoir, The Other Side of Charm, in 2014 and am now releasing my next book one chapter at a time. You can find it here and on my blog at hgbeverly.com. It's called My Ex is a Psychopath, But I Am Strong and Free. This book details my healing journey despite failed sy …
Sociopath Control: Lessons From Economics 101 And Frogs In Hot Water
You don't have to have studied economics to know that scarcity drives up value. A sip of water for someone parched in the desert is immensely more valuable than the same sip of water at the end of a meal at a white tablecloth restaurant where an attentive waiter refills your glass constantly. Is love any different? A single gesture of kindness or expression of love in a flowing stream of affection goes all but unnoticed. The value of that same gesture in a love-deprived environment, however, is immeasurable. Using Love to Control Because human beings value love, sociopaths often use love or the promise of love to control and weaken others emotionally. This happened to me and is chronicled in …
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A Relationship With A Sociopath, Anxiety, And Depression
There are many reasons why being unwittingly involved with a sociopath often leads to anxiety and depression. Below is an edited excerpt from my book Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned (available via Amazon.com) that discusses some of the relevant dynamics. Chronic, Subtle Feelings That "Something's Off" A chronic, subtle sense of unease, anxiety, and feeling that something is “off” are classic symptoms of being in a relationship with a sociopath. These feelings became my constant companions while married to my ex-husband. A Psychology Experiment The Iowa Gambling Task is a classic study designed by neuroscientists at the University of …
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10 Signs You’re Addicted to Loving a Cheater
Editor's note: This article by Donna Andersen was originally published on YourTango.com. All of the following still applies if your partner is a woman. You know he's seeing another woman. Or perhaps you ARE the other woman. Why can't you let him go? You discover your man is cheating. You know he's bad for you. Your friends tell you to dump him, but the truth is, you still want him. If the pull is unbearably strong, maybe it's not love that you feel—but addiction. Do you do any of the following? (Be honest!) 1. You confront him about the calls in his phone from other women. He comes up excuses, you know they're lame—but you accept them anyway. 2. He says that it's your fault tha …
30 signs that you should dump your partner before Christmas
The holidays are quickly approaching. It's the season when we decorate our homes, spend time with family and friends, and buy thoughtful gifts for the ones we love. Everyone wants someone to hug over the holidays. So even if things have been strained or rocky with our romantic partners, we may still want the holidays will be pleasant, even romantic. We may go out of our way to make them special, hoping our partner will reciprocate, or at least acknowledge our efforts. Sometimes we hope but fear that our partners will disappoint us. If you're apprehensive about how enjoyable the holidays with your partner will be, read on. Christmas with my ex I spent three holiday seasons with my …
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Sociopaths–How They Lie and Why We Fall For It: Part 1
Sociopaths dazzle and distract with brilliant linguistic gymnastics to obscure their lies. In my book, Husband, Liar, Sociopath: How He Lied, Why I Fell For It & The Painful Lessons Learned (available via Amazon.com), I examine several conversations to reveal specific techniques "Paul" (my husband of about 20 years who I now believe is a sociopath), used to obscure the truth. These techniques are likely common to other liars and sociopaths as well. "Our Honeymoon Isn't Over Until I Say It's Over!” The night we'd returned from our honeymoon, I needed to make a business-related call. Paul was furious with me and snapped, "Our honeymoon isn't over until I say it's over!” It was so out o …
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When You “Lose Yourself” Due To A Sociopath, Recovery Is Hard–Really Hard
If I hear one more reporter or talk show host ask a victim of partner abuse, “Why did you stay?” and not really listen to the answer or not try to understand the psychology of how emotional, psychological, financial, and/or physical abuse can rewire your brain and murder your soul, I will scream. I want to scream because I don't think the interviewer is really looking for an answer. We Are Strong, They Were Weak Instead, it's as if the questioner is seeking to label the victim as “weak” and “not like us.” This creates a sense that the victim is different, and that perceived difference creates the comforting illusion that it could never happen to us or someone like us. After all: We are stro …
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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: He painted a future, telling me how we were going to make this work
Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we'll call "Gabriela." She lives outside of the United States. My heart is aching because of what happened to me. I met a guy, I don´t know if he´s a sociopath, but he betrayed me. I met him once in at the pool area in a casino hotel in the U.S. I was traveling there with some family, I´m from another country. We had this great chemistry since that day that we met. We spoke for hours, invited me to go out but I couldn't. Then I came back to my country but kept that in love feeling that I had never felt before. I couldn´t even understand it because we only saw each other for those few hours, but still I searched him on fa …
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Sociopath Math
"It feels like I have a target on me," said a woman who had repeatedly caught the eye of sociopathic men. "You do," I replied. “So do I. So do lots of us.” Believe Who They Are When They Show You The First Time Why are empathetic people especially likely to get trapped in long-term relationships with sociopaths? We stay in these relationships too long, in part, because we discount and misattribute malicious, selfish, destructive behavior. We give people the benefit of the doubt. We have to stop doing this! Or at least, we need to become far more selective about when we do it and with whom we do it. We need to take Maya Angelou's words to heart — “When someone shows you who they are believe …