Recovery from a sociopath

Editor's note: The following essay was written by the Lovefraud reader "Adelade." Without going into a long, drawn-out recollection of my experiences with sociopaths, I wanted to talk about my “Panic Buttons.” The panic buttons are the same as “triggers,” but I tend to panic, so I see them as “panic buttons.” There is a host of priceless discussion on this site about triggering. I'm one of those types that not only triggers, but I typically fall down a vortex of panic that starts out on the edge of the whirlwind, and I spiral downwards, and inwards, until I'm so disoriented that I don't know how to get out. The “reason” that I tend to panic is because of my past experiences with soci …

Back in control of the panic buttonsRead More

By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired) I've recognized that my son is a psychopath since 2006, and have cut contact with him. Unfortunately, he has not forgotten me, and sent one of his friends to kill me, and probably intended to, one by one, kill the rest of the family, so he could have everything we collectively own. Every so often Patrick comes up for parole. I have been working with an attorney who “gets it” about psychopaths, and with others, to protest his parole. I have had wonderful support here from the Lovefraud community, many of whom have sent letters to my attorney in support of my parole protest. Many family members and friends have written some wonderful letters as well. Som …

No matter how much you know, sometimes you just fall apart anywayRead More

Have you ever watched a "psychopathic interaction" taking place and wished you were able to approach the non-psychopath and offer her (or him) all of the knowledge you already have on the subject?  I have. Even if you are in the initial phases of learning, the fact that you are here indicates that you have an idea of what is occurring.  In the interaction I will highlight, the non-psychopath was, sadly, without a clue.  At first, I could not believe what I was seeing.  Although, retrospectively, I fail to see what made it unbelievable to me, since I had lived it.  Nonetheless, the goings on made me uneasy.  I knew just enough about the situation to suspect that psychopathy was at play in t …

Witnessing a psychopathic interaction: seeing, knowing, and empathizingRead More

By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired) Many times our friends, in an effort to be helpful, but not actually understanding what we have been through in a “break up” with a psychopath, may tell us, “It's time you move on with your life, and start dating again,” or words to that effect. Any time you lose something important in your life, you suffer what is known as “grief.” It doesn't matter if that something is a break up of a relationship, a job, a death of someone you love, or you lose the Miss America Pageant when you expected to win. Anything that was important and is lost causes grief. Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, MD, an internationally known psychiatrist, studied grief in the terminally …

Time as a factor in healingRead More

By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired) What is the one characteristic that we must have, and must demand in those with whom we are associated? My thought is that it is reliability. Most virtues exist on a “sliding scale.” These vary from “all the way” excellence to total ineptitude. Most folks are some where in the middle and that is pretty acceptable. The one virtue, however, that is all or nothing is reliability. You are either reliable or you are not. It is sort of like dead or pregnant either you is or you ain't. There is no middle ground. If I employed someone, I would be willing to put up with just about any deficiencies, but not with unreliability. The unreliable person is bound to …

Reliability – either it is or it ain’tRead More

I used to wonder exactly what it was that people were talking about when they said that an event or comment triggered them.  I had a text book understanding, of course, but could not think of an event that personally triggered me, bringing back overwhelming feelings stemming from past abuses. Recently, however, it happened and I experienced something I never had before.  Honestly, I am surprised it took as long as it did.  It was not a proud moment, as retrospectively, I can now think of about five different ways that I could have better handled the situation.  At the same time, I wouldn't really have changed it because of what it taught me.  My reaction was honest, showed me that my prio …

TriggeredRead More

Another Christmas is here. Again. Already. Some galactic entity must have revved up the planetary clock, because Christmases seem to be coming faster and faster. Even though we didn't all evaporate on December 21, 2012 with the end of the Mayan calendar, we seem to be hurtling into the future at breakneck speed. I've been dealing with holiday stress, such as running late while making hors d'oeuvres for a family party, and trying to figure out what gifts to buy for my teenage nephews. But that's easy stress. I am no longer pining for someone to spend the holidays with—an emotional void that made me vulnerable to the sociopath. And I am no longer going to family parties and pretending t …

Peace at ChristmasRead More

Before explaining the exercises in depth, let me explain what we have to get detachment from with the sociopath, in particular when s/he triggers “our inner victim.” We all have deeply ingrained reactions from childhood that are triggered in any committed intimate relationship. If you, for instance, had a good looking older sibling who did everything right and excelled in school, but you didn't, you might have an issue with not feeling “good enough” that gets triggered in your current relationship. It might come up in jealousy, or you may be waiting for your partner to wake up and realize he or she is with no prize and leave you. Perhaps you grew up in a home in which you were always correct …

Exercises for becoming detached from the sociopathRead More