It has been almost exactly 9 years since my life as I knew it ended with the arrest of my ex-husband. I can say I am a “survivor,” but my life will never be what it would have been had this not happened. In the wake of Barry Lichtenthal, many people have been permanently damaged. Perhaps the best marker of a sociopath is the number of broken and wounded who fall on the paths of their lives. But I am lucky, as are the rest of those who survive life shared with a sociopath free of bodily damage. I have come to understand that the bodily damage that sociopaths inflict is both direct and indirect. George Hartwig's story gives us an example of both. It also causes us to pause and think about th …
Don’t quit in the middle of the lesson
By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired) Someone posted one of those “signs” on my Facebook page today that everyone forwards and shares, which I call “one-sentence wisdom or humor” but this one struck me as suburb wisdom. The past is where you learned the lesson. The future is where you apply it. Don't quit in the middle. We have all had the misfortune to learn our lessons the “hard way” in associating with a psychopath (or two), but actually I think “misfortune” may be the wrong word, because learning things “the hard way” means that we will not forget those lessons. “The burned hand never forgets the fire” is another way to say it. Maybe we have actually been fortunate to escape from …
Background noise and background pain
By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired) Sometimes my parrot will come up with a sound or a word and we will wonder “where in the heck did he come up with that!?” We noticed a few years ago that he would make a “Whooooosh” sound when anyone opened the door either to go in or out. He did it consistently, so we knew he had associated the door opening with the sound, but we couldn't figure out who would make that sound often enough that he had picked it up. Then one day my husband came in the house and it was very hot outside and when he came in he made that “Whoooosh” sound as he hit the air conditioned inside! My son and I went, “Whoopee! We know where he got it now!” It takes endless rep …
Authenticity – After The Sociopath, Finding Peace In Being Real
This week I've been thinking a great deal about how we move back to authenticity after having lived in a false reality with a sociopath. After all, like so many of us here, when I was in the grips of that particular relationship, I believed that everything was real at the time. More than real in actual fact — it was all my dreams come true! So now, I'm wondering, how do I know — really know — whether I'm living in an authentic way or once again falling in to a contrived existence that is nothing more than imagination or self-deception? Yes it's true that I am physically free from him (and have been for nearly three years thank goodness) but am I really free from the thought patterns that had …
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When Love Isn’t Real – The Shame Of Deception
I've just travelled back from the UK today, and during my journey I read an article that made me sit up and take notice. It's the story about a teenage girl, Gemma Barker, who created three separate male aliases in order to dupe her female friends in to sexual relationships with her. She had made enormous efforts to develop and maintain these aliases. She succeeded so well, in fact, that not only the victims but also their families were fooled in to believing that Gemma was a boy. Whilst it's claimed that she suffers from autism spectrum disorder and ADHD, the judge still called her “Cunning and deceptive” and the report states that she showed no remorse when handed her sentence. Ring any bel …
When hope becomes malignant
By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired) What is hope? The word “hope” means a kind of “expectation of obtainment” and an emotional state of optimism, a trusting that what we want is going to come true. Here is how Wikipedia defines hope: Hope is the emotional state, the opposite of which is despair, which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. It is the "feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best" or the act of "look[ing] forward to with desire and reasonable confidence" or "feel[ing] that something desired may happen". Other definitions are "to cherish a desire with anticipation"; "to desire with expect …
What is forgiveness? Does it condone evil or defeat it? (Part II)
Editor's note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud's statement on Spiritual Recovery. Special note from the author, Travis Vining: Some of the content in this article may be unsettling to some. I would ask that the reader please recognize that the following definition and interpretation of forgiveness is from years of personal experience, reading, learning, practicing and teaching. It did not come easy, and in the beginning, I was just as unwilling as most to accept forgiveness as a possible solution to my problem. It is very “normal” to experience an emotional response to the idea that we play a part in our own suffering when the pain is still fres …
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Saying “Yes” Without Reading The Small Print
This week my post is inspired by a throw-away comment from my son. We were sitting in the kitchen, eating vegetable soup together while he downloaded a new app for my iPhone that will allow us to stay in contact more easily when I'm in the UK. As is often the case, the carrier has updated their terms and conditions so, before I could complete the download, I had to agree the changes. “You don't really want to read the 55 pages of new terms and conditions do you Mum?” asked Dylan, just checking the seemingly obvious before checking the “I agree” box. I laughed and shook my head - of course I didn't! And that's when he said “Did you know that's the biggest lie that people tell — not just on …
What is forgiveness? Does it condone evil or conquer it? (Part I)
Editor's note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud's statement on Spiritual Recovery. Forgive, as a word, and as an ideal, is very misunderstood in our world. Not only is the idea misunderstood, but the word itself is often intensely disliked. The act of Forgiveness does not release the perpetrator from responsibility for their crimes, nor condone the behavior. Forgiveness is about letting go, a process that releases us from another's destructive hold over our lives. It is not about accepting, trusting, or increasing future suffering. To the contrary, Forgiveness is simply releasing pain from the past in order to end future …
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There’s Always A Gift – Even When The Situation Seems Hopeless
It's been a funny old week for me. I am within spitting distance of completing a final piece of the jigsaw that releases me from my past — infuriatingly it's still so close and yet so far. Over the past couple of years I've learned that some things just can't be rushed. I've also learned that patience is indeed a virtue and that, contrary to the many messages I have been told throughout my life, I've realised that now I do possess it... in bucket loads! True, I still might kick and sulk a little when I'm required to demonstrate that particular skill — but there is no question. I can do it, and when necessary, it's something that I've found can be exceptionally useful. Funny, don …
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