This week my post is inspired by a throw-away comment from my son. We were sitting in the kitchen, eating vegetable soup together while he downloaded a new app for my iPhone that will allow us to stay in contact more easily when I'm in the UK. As is often the case, the carrier has updated their terms and conditions so, before I could complete the download, I had to agree the changes. “You don't really want to read the 55 pages of new terms and conditions do you Mum?” asked Dylan, just checking the seemingly obvious before checking the “I agree” box. I laughed and shook my head - of course I didn't! And that's when he said “Did you know that's the biggest lie that people tell — not just …
What is forgiveness? Does it condone evil or conquer it? (Part I)
Editor's note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud's statement on Spiritual Recovery. Forgive, as a word, and as an ideal, is very misunderstood in our world. Not only is the idea misunderstood, but the word itself is often intensely disliked. The act of Forgiveness does not release the perpetrator from responsibility for their crimes, nor condone the behavior. Forgiveness is about letting go, a process that releases us from another's destructive hold over our lives. It is not about accepting, trusting, or increasing future suffering. To the contrary, Forgiveness is simply releasing pain from the past in order to end future …
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There’s Always A Gift – Even When The Situation Seems Hopeless
It's been a funny old week for me. I am within spitting distance of completing a final piece of the jigsaw that releases me from my past — infuriatingly it's still so close and yet so far. Over the past couple of years I've learned that some things just can't be rushed. I've also learned that patience is indeed a virtue and that, contrary to the many messages I have been told throughout my life, I've realised that now I do possess it... in bucket loads! True, I still might kick and sulk a little when I'm required to demonstrate that particular skill — but there is no question. I can do it, and when necessary, it's something that I've found can be exceptionally useful. Funny, …
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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: The Old Me and the New Me
Editor's note: The following was sent by a long-time Lovefraud reader who posts as "Aloha Traveler." February 16, 2012 Dear LF Readers, I found this article below as I was cleaning up my computer files and thought I would submit it. I wonder if anyone else has the experience of the “Old Me and New Me.” I hope you enjoy. See below. Aloha P.S. I left the Bad Man on July 3, 2005. So the below article has been hiding in the Aloha archives. :O) * * * * * Dear LoveFraud Readers, A little over 4 years ago, I was a post Bad Man train wreck. My life was a shambles on the outside and my insides matched. Today, though I am in a much better place, I am still struggling with …
Dancing With Myself
It's Valentines Day today — a day that, I'm quite sure, can generate bittersweet memories for many. If I choose to think about this festival only in association with the traditional interpretations of cupid, love, relationships, romance and all that entails then yes, I could indeed become sad and morbid myself. I might be tempted to dwell on the past and mourn the ”˜what if' scars that are the war wounds I usually wear with pride. It's even possible that I might even fall in to the trap of once again berating myself for allowing myself to be duped”¦ Associations. Thoughts. Patterns. Behaviours. These are all fascinating tools that I honestly believe are here with an intention to serve us …
Getting off the Valentine’s Day rollercoaster
Come Valentine's Day, many unattached people, or people in less-than-fulfilling relationships, may be willing to accept less than they really deserve, just to have a few crumbs of "romance." Sarah Strudwick writes that perhaps it's time for a change. Read: Happy pathological free Valentines Day, on WakingYouUp.wordpress.com. …
The Gray Rock method of dealing with psychopaths
Editor's note: At the request of readers, the Lovefraud member "Skylar" has contributed the following article. When dealing with malignant narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, borderlines, drama queens, stalkers and other emotional vampires, it's commonly advised that no response is the best response to unwanted attention. This is often true and No Contact (the avoidance of all communication) should be used whenever possible. There are some situations however, when No Contact is not feasible, as in when you share child custody with a psychopath. As another example, if you are being stalked by an ex, a restraining order can infuriate the unwanted suitor, and refusing to respond to him …
The Ducking Stool
This week I'm inspired to write after receiving a distressing email from a friend of mine on Saturday night. This particular friend of mine is, like all of us here, someone who knows what it's like to be conned and manipulated. Like so many of us, she struggled to make sense of what had happened — the explanations coming just as hard to herself as to her friends and family. Particularly, of course, those who had known her sociopathic husband and had also been taken in by his charming lies. This particular lady, though, rather than hide herself away or hope things would just disappear, instead decided to write a book about her experiences. Now translated in to several languages, her story …
When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself
By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired) I guess I am making a “confession” here of being a wimp, or maybe an enabler, for the majority of my life. But when people would ask me for a “favor,” I would almost always do it, even if it meant that I had to cancel plans of my own that I would much rather have done. In other words, by saying “yes” to my friends and family, I was saying “no” to myself. Shopping on Mondays After my husband died I cared for my stepfather during his long battle with cancer. In fact, I cancelled my “life” and my own grieving for my husband to voluntarily be there for him. I wanted to be there for him. However, after his death and a reasonable period of time, I …
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The Confusion of a Child of A Sociopath
Editor's note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud's statement on Spiritual Recovery. My father appeared to be a very successful business man. Our family lived in a home on Biscayne Bay, had money and was very well known. He served as a pilot in the Air Force, was very good looking and extremely charming. From the outside, our life looked almost perfect. Like any young boy, I idolized my dad. When in his presence, I was almost hypnotized by him. I was extremely attracted to the way he approached life. I guess it's normal for a boy to want to be just like his father. I wanted to believe everything that he told me. As best I could tell, he treated me …