"When we focus on something repeatedly, the brain forms a habit," says Steven Stosny, Ph.D., author of Living and Loving After Betrayal. "We have to be careful on what we focus on." When we discover that we've been betrayed by a sociopath, for a long time that's all we can think about. Although this is a typical response to the betrayal, it also has the effect of keeping us mired in our pain. Stosny suggest replacing the memories of the deception with restorative images, which he defines as "any emotionally laden bit of your imagination that eases pain by shifting mental focus from loss to growth." He explains this approach in an article on the Psychology Today blog: Healing from …
Online threats: Crimes or free speech?
The Supreme Court of the United States may soon decide whether or not to hear appeals of two cases in with people were convicted and sent to jail for making online threats, even though they later said they didn't mean any harm. In one case, Anthony Elonis of Pennsylvania, wrote on Facebook about killing his estranged wife. According to the Associated Press, he said: “There's one way to love you but a thousand ways to kill you. I'm not going to rest until your body is a mess, soaked in blood and dying from all the little cuts.” The woman testified in court that she feared for her life. Elonis was sentenced to almost four years, and was released on February 14, 2014, according to The Exp …
Why Do I Feel So Guilty? How Sociopaths Shame Us Into Submission
If I had to pick the most powerful tool in a sociopath's arsenal, it would be shame. I've experienced a myriad of emotions during my life with sociopathic parents: sadness, anger, confusion, jealousy (from observing "healthy" families), fear, loneliness, compassion, forgiveness. During the healing process, it is very normal to have waves of these emotions come and go. But for me, the one emotion that hasn't come and gone, the one that has blanketed my entire life history, is shame. Why shame? I didn't ask to be abused as a child. As an adult, I certainly had the choice to sever ties with my parents, but I didn't because I thought a good daughter wouldn't do that. If I hang in the …
Why Do I Feel So Guilty? How Sociopaths Shame Us Into SubmissionRead More
Mary Ann Glynn, LCSW: Support group for destructive relationships
By Mary Ann Glynn, LCSW, located in Bernardsville, New Jersey Last summer I got a support group off the ground comprised of clients, all of whom had been in a relationship with a narcissist, sociopath, psychopath or combination thereof. The reason I began the group is because, first of all, there appears to be an epidemic out there of conscience-free people who are destroying the lives of their partners. Just in my practice there were enough clients to start a group. Now there are many others. “Nobody heals alone” The other reason is that I understand and believe in the power of support groups. I heard an interesting quote last year in a workshop: “Nobody heals alone”. This is based on fi …
Mary Ann Glynn, LCSW: Support group for destructive relationshipsRead More
The “Functional Female Sociopath”…..Good For Society?
According to various opinions, not all sociopaths are created equal. There are the "non-functional" sociopaths (i.e., serial killers) and "functional" sociopaths (i.e., successful sociopaths). The functional female sociopath uses her lack of empathy to annihilate those pesky male counterparts (or, frankly, anyone who gets in the way), paving the way for woman-kind. Yay them! Right? I mean, why can't functional female sociopaths be on the same playing field as functional male sociopaths? Well, they can be. And they are. The last time I checked, evil is still evil. You can put a dress suit and lipstick on it, or you can put starched collars and neckties on it, sociopathy is still a b …
The “Functional Female Sociopath”…..Good For Society?Read More
Faith After A Life With Sociopaths
Editor's note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud's statement on Spiritual Recovery. When you've been entangled with sociopaths for a long period of time, few (if any) facets of your life are left untouched. Becoming a person of faith has shown me how deeply my upbringing has permeated my adult life. My sociopathic parents controlled my every move - dictating when I could bathe, eat, or sleep, what I could read, who I could be friends with (if any), what music I could listen to, what I could watch on TV. Depending on how volatile their mood was, I'd have to ask permission to speak. In her book Trauma and Recovery, Judith Herman states "The dam …
Tell Me About Yourself!
This request always left me at a loss for words. It made me really uncomfortable. Most of the time I would just state basic facts: the city I grew up in, where I went to school, what my profession is. I wasn't trying to be unfriendly.......I honestly had no idea how to answer this. I only recently realized why this was so difficult for me. When you are raised by psychopaths, or in a relationship with a psychopath, the lines between their life and yours get blurred. They swallow you up like a sinkhole. Your desires, feelings, goals and interests no longer matter. If the psychopath likes something, you'd better find a way to like it too. If they think something is ridiculous, you'd …
The Sociopath as Coach
So I married and divorced a sociopath, but we're connected at the hip for life because we share three children. (It's been sixteen years so far.) And last year, he sued for full custody of two of them. The boys. We're still in court today, trying to work out the details of that. Because despite all the issues I've experienced in the family court system since 2007, in this instance the professionals involved did (finally) manage to ask why we're back in court and why I should lose custody. My ex had his full list of reasons, but man, I've been fighting back. Which means defending myself as a parent. Sending photographs to the guardian of the kids and I—since birth. Reminding them …
The Sociopath Creates a Dream
If you've been romanced by a sociopath, you know how remarkable it can be. In the first moments—the courting phase. In the time when you felt more desirable and more perfectly matched than ever before in your life. The time you fell in love. I wrote about my own sociopathic romance in The Other Side of Charm. And it was really hard for me after fifteen years of bad to go back to the good. It was more than hard. I cried a lot while writing about my early days with my ex, holing myself up in my house during any spare moment to write and to cry into the loneliness. And even though I've written it all out by now, I still cry if I talk about it. If someone asks what it was like. I cry b …
Mary Ann Glynn, LCSW: Remorse Revisited
By Mary Ann Glynn, LCSW, located in Bernardsville, New Jersey Partners in our support group are often confused by the fact that after a verbal outburst, physical abuse, or once the ruse is up, sociopaths may seem remorseful. They might see the consequence of their actions, may even cry and be emotional, or apologetic. There might be efforts to change by more responsive or caring behaviors. If the relationship gets pushed to the breaking point, they may engage in therapy. Most partners' experience the sociopath in therapy as completely blaming everything on them and/or trying to control the therapy sessions. But, some had a different, more perplexing experience. Their experience was that the …