Well, 2013 has arrived so I'd like to wish a very Happy New Year to everyone here on Lovefraud. I'd also like to make an official announcement (thank you Donna) to say that my book has finally been published! Hoorah! It's been one heck of a journey getting to this stage, but it certainly feels worth it — the excitement tinged with a touch of fear (will people like it? Will it help others?) has meant that I've been gently fizzing for the past ten days. Why did I decide to pour my heart and soul out in a book that can be read by anyone who chooses? To be fair it's a question I'm asking myself more now than ever. Because the old worry monsters are once again rumbling inside me, but I won't l …
Time as a factor in healing
By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired) Many times our friends, in an effort to be helpful, but not actually understanding what we have been through in a “break up” with a psychopath, may tell us, “It's time you move on with your life, and start dating again,” or words to that effect. Any time you lose something important in your life, you suffer what is known as “grief.” It doesn't matter if that something is a break up of a relationship, a job, a death of someone you love, or you lose the Miss America Pageant when you expected to win. Anything that was important and is lost causes grief. Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, MD, an internationally known psychiatrist, studied grief in the terminally …
Reliability – either it is or it ain’t
By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired) What is the one characteristic that we must have, and must demand in those with whom we are associated? My thought is that it is reliability. Most virtues exist on a “sliding scale.” These vary from “all the way” excellence to total ineptitude. Most folks are some where in the middle and that is pretty acceptable. The one virtue, however, that is all or nothing is reliability. You are either reliable or you are not. It is sort of like dead or pregnant either you is or you ain't. There is no middle ground. If I employed someone, I would be willing to put up with just about any deficiencies, but not with unreliability. The unreliable person is bound to …
Triggered
I used to wonder exactly what it was that people were talking about when they said that an event or comment triggered them. I had a text book understanding, of course, but could not think of an event that personally triggered me, bringing back overwhelming feelings stemming from past abuses. Recently, however, it happened and I experienced something I never had before. Honestly, I am surprised it took as long as it did. It was not a proud moment, as retrospectively, I can now think of about five different ways that I could have better handled the situation. At the same time, I wouldn't really have changed it because of what it taught me. My reaction was honest, showed me that my prio …
Peace at Christmas
Another Christmas is here. Again. Already. Some galactic entity must have revved up the planetary clock, because Christmases seem to be coming faster and faster. Even though we didn't all evaporate on December 21, 2012 with the end of the Mayan calendar, we seem to be hurtling into the future at breakneck speed. I've been dealing with holiday stress, such as running late while making hors d'oeuvres for a family party, and trying to figure out what gifts to buy for my teenage nephews. But that's easy stress. I am no longer pining for someone to spend the holidays with—an emotional void that made me vulnerable to the sociopath. And I am no longer going to family parties and pretending t …
Exercises for becoming detached from the sociopath
Before explaining the exercises in depth, let me explain what we have to get detachment from with the sociopath, in particular when s/he triggers “our inner victim.” We all have deeply ingrained reactions from childhood that are triggered in any committed intimate relationship. If you, for instance, had a good looking older sibling who did everything right and excelled in school, but you didn't, you might have an issue with not feeling “good enough” that gets triggered in your current relationship. It might come up in jealousy, or you may be waiting for your partner to wake up and realize he or she is with no prize and leave you. Perhaps you grew up in a home in which you were always correct …
Getting the sociopath out of your head
I once heard from a woman whom we'll call "Rochelle." She related her story of reconnecting with a long lost love, which turned out to be a fake love. As it is for many Lovefraud readers, the hardest part of breaking away was getting the sociopath out of her head.When Rochelle was in her 50s, through a high school reunion, she reconnected with the first boy she ever loved. Rochelle had a crush on him when she was 14. They dated for almost five years, although he always seemed to have an eye out for other girls. When they broke up, Rochelle was heartbroken, but she moved on, married, divorced, and life was reasonably good—until that first love came back into her life.He poured on the charm, a …
Expectations and the half-billion dollar lotto
By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired) I don't normally by lotto tickets because the odds of winning are so powerfully against winning. Yes, I know “someone eventually wins,” and “if you don't buy a ticket you don't have any chance of winning.” When the payout on the recent Powerball got so high though—a half-billion dollars—like lots of folks I decided “why not?” I bought a $3 ticket and let the computer pick the numbers for me. The odds of being attacked by a shark are 1 in 11,000. The odds of being the lotto winner are about 175 million to one. On the way home, my son and I fantasized about what we would do if we won the half-billion dollar payout. We decided we would take it in one …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I guess something good came out of this story
Editor's note: The following essay was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as "Ms_Snowhite." I want to share with the readers at Lovefraud something that happened to me tonight, when I woke up in the middle of the night and I couldn't fall back to sleep. You know, it was one of those moments when you suddenly wake up, your mind is clear of everything and you start thinking. So I was lying on the bed thinking about the spath again and how there would probably never be justice for the things he has done to me, and then, I had started to think about other people that had hurt me a lot by intention in the past too. You know, friends that had betrayed me, co-workers that were …
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Religion, spirituality and sociopaths
Editor's note: This article was written by the Lovefraud reader "Adelade." It refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud's statement on Spiritual Recovery. Religious and spiritual beliefs are of extreme importance to people. More than their beliefs of themselves, people adhere to religious and spiritual doctrines because they give them a strong sense of continuity, comfort, and meaning. Teachings and rituals often fill in the gaps of what we cannot provide to ourselves or process as a result of living, dying, and the random events in Life that cause us to question, "Why did this happen?" The first thing that an invading culture or nation does is to take away or abolish the re …