Gov. Eliot Spitzer, a beacon of probity, has been caught allegedly hiring a prostitute. He has appeared on TV to apologise - see it here. And what an inadequate job he did. I was reminded of a previous apology he made in the New York Times last July for his administration's involvement in ordering the State Police to record the whereabouts of State Senate majority leader Joseph L. Bruno - read it here. In neither case does he even do the first thing that any apology worth anything should do - he does not state what he did. If you'd missed news broadcasts you'd have no idea what he was apologising for. According to Perfect Apology the key steps in any good apology are: 1. a detailed …
Sociopaths are filled with empty promises that never turn into healing action.
Recently, I ended up in the hospital twice over a short period of time. (Which accounts for why I have not posted here in awhile.) The first stay was to have surgery to remove my gallbladder. The second was a week later when they had to perform an additional procedure to remove the stones that were left behind. The man in my life was there. He supported me. Held my hand when I was in pain, rubbed my back. He drove me to hospital. He spoke with the doctors. Involved himself in my health care when I was too sick to care to ask the questions I needed to ask. He ensured I was well cared for, ensured I had what I needed to recover. He came to visit me in hospital. Sometimes I'd awaken and …
Sociopaths are filled with empty promises that never turn into healing action.Read More
Q: Can writing improve your health?
There is a form of writing which has been shown to have remarkable effects on research subjects' well-being, social functioning, and cognitive abilities. The best-known of the scientists who study 'expressive writing' is James W. Pennebaker, chair of the Department of Psychology at the University of Texas. Pennebaker and several others around the world have found that a short series brief exercises of this particular form of writing about emotional upheavals can improve physical and mental health. An early study In his accessible book Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions (free chapter here) Pennebaker describes an early experiment. Fifty students were asked to …
Help for healing from the devastation of a sociopath
Many people have asked Lovefraud to suggest a treatment program to help them overcome the personal devastation of a relationship with a sociopath. A friend of Lovefraud, Sandra L. Brown, M.A., offers a program for women who are recovering from such debilitating encounters. Sandra Brown is the author of How to Spot a Dangerous Man, which was reviewed in a previous blog post. The book describes eight types of dangerous men—most of them are sociopaths, or partial sociopaths. Brown then explains how women override their internal warning signals and get involved with these men, even when their instincts are shouting, "Run away!" If you've been in a relationship with a sociopath, at some p …
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On rumination
Not surprisingly given the painful experiences many readers have experienced living with psychopaths, letters to Lovefraud describe much troublesome rumination. This week and next I will be describing a two-pronged way of thinking about the problem of rumination - why it's harmful to deal with these matters this way and next week (sorry to delay it) a very way that psychologists have found for processing such things. Disclaimer You will appreciate that I am not in a position to give psychological advice in this forum. What follows is not a recommendation but rather a way to think about what's involved when one ruminates. If it makes sense to you please discuss it with a mental health …
BodyMind
Last week I asked whether there might be physical consequences to life with a psychopath. Judging from the many and fascinating reader responses it seems that many people suspect that these relationships have indeed affected their health. Boldily pains, chronic anxiety, eating disorders, weight fluctuations, difficulties with sleep, headaches - all these and more either started or worsened at the time of the relationships. Some ailments straight away resolved themselves when the relationship ended, others linger. Before I give a brief conceptualisation of a linkage between life events and physical health I must clarify terms. I am not talking here about hypochondria, imagining and and …
Retired racers, PTSD and depression
In the beginning of January, our family took in a foster child. This boy is a 3-year-old retired racing greyhound. His behavior over the last 6 weeks has reminded me of my own journey of healing and teaches us about the biologic nature of psychological symptoms. There is no doubt that this poor boy suffers from PTSD. Furthermore, the PTSD has caused depression and has prevented him from being able to enjoy his life. As part of a conscious program to teach empathy and caretaking to the children, we've fostered many dogs over the last 4 years. Although each dog had a sad story to tell, none came with the combination of symptoms Mr. Goodstuff suffered. I have never seen a dog as fearful …
Might there be physical consequences to life with a psychopath?
Several readers of Lovefraud have mentioned medical problems that arose in their lives with psychopaths. These readers are convinced that the psychological stress and pain of these relationships translated themselves into physical ailments. Some of these symptoms disappeared when the psychopath disappeared, some didn't. Here are a few recent comments: When I parted from him, physically I felt so raw and sore, I looked like I had been in a boxing ring. My health was poor and I couldnt even have the osteopath touch me, I said I felt like I had been stabbed all over. All though he never laid a finger on me, he gave me plenty of mental and emotional abuse. I have a feeling its 2 years of being …
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When the sociopath is gone: Pain is temporary
Lance Armstrong said, “Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.” When I was in an abusive relationship with a sociopath, the pain was overwhelming. I quit trying to get through it and gave into it. I quit and felt like it would last forever. "Nothing lasts forever - not even your troubles" so said psychologist, Arnold H. Glasgow. Trouble is, when I'm in trouble I 'always' think in absolutes, like never and forever. When I'm in never and forever land, I tell myself tomorrow is too far away to even bother caring about what happens today. I tell myself …
After he’s gone: Looking at the sociopath through open eyes.
My 100% responsibility. I had a glass of wine last night with a girlfriend who is leaving for a three month holiday at the beginning of February. Where she's going is not important -- except when put in the context of who is at the place she's going to. A man. A man she once loved who could not, would not commit. A man who hid behind silence. Who never told her where he was, what he was doing or who he was with. She spent the first year after leaving him healing her broken heart. And then she started dating. A few months ago she decided to phone the man far away. "We were such good friends. Friends stay in touch and I just wanted to see how he was," she told me. With that phone call, the …
After he’s gone: Looking at the sociopath through open eyes.Read More