On Monday I had lunch with a friend from my past. In our early twenties we worked together. Just the two of us at first in an office that eventually grew to +20 people. For my friend, Leslie* and for me, this was an exciting, and a stressful time. We both grew up in similar circumstances where alcohol played an enormous role in our formative years. We both had older siblings and we both had dreams we were too afraid to speak. My friend Leslie was the first woman I knew who married an abuser. I remember at the time I didn't go to her wedding because I could not in good conscience wish her well -- I knew the things he did to her before they married. Why would she marry him, I …
ASK DR. LEEDOM: FAQ #1 “Why is this so hard for us mentally?”
The question victims of sociopaths most frequently ask is, “Why am I having such a hard time getting beyond this?” I am going to give an answer, but I'm afraid that since the answer is intellectual and not emotional, it may not feel complete or satisfactory. This is how a reader phrased this question: It's interesting because it seems like a lot of members on the board (myself included) have mentioned how difficult it is to get rid of thoughts of their sociopath. They seem to haunt us even after they have left our lives. As if the damage and destruction was not enough, they continue to be a part of our lives through our minds. We have to acknowledge that this question is not only asked by v …
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ASK DR. LEEDOM: Why does it seem I know more than the experts?
Lately, many readers have added insightful comments to this blog. I would like to share this one and add that you may indeed know more about sociopathy than the so-called experts. As far as charisma in sociopaths goes, my theory is this: if a sociopath has no conscience (and no guilt), he or she might often be in a better mood - or at least appear to be in a better mood - i.e; generally more upbeat and seemingly happy with whatever is going on - than the average decent non-sociopathic person dealing with the typical ups and downs of daily life. I have heard that when someone is feeling happy, his or her facial expressions. tone of voice, and even their pheramones and neuro-chemicals are …
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Book Review: The Betrayal Bond
In the last several months I have written a great deal on this blog about the nature of love and bonding. If you would like to know more, read The Betrayal Bond, Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes. I just read this book and was happy to see so much commonality with my own view. Dr. Carnes himself survived a Betrayal Bond, and as such writes with the authority of someone who has “been there.” Remember, it is not just women who are affected by love fraud. Normal men bond and are deeply affected by their love relationships. Dr. Carnes discusses in detail the psychological trauma associated with a relationship with a sociopath, though his book does not focus onl …
Without the sociopath, a better future does not require a better past
Those who fail to learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them."---George Santayana Imagine a tape running through your head that has all the things that ever happened to you playing on a continous loop through your mind. Now, imagine that every time you look forward, every thought, idea, word, motion is filtered through that tape, again and again. Every time you think about the future, you have to look through the past. That's what happens in our heads, every day, when we remind ourselves that something which happened yesterday is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. That's what happens when we don't question what we learned in the past, and drag it forward with …
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ASK DR. LEEDOM: What about therapy?
A reader wrote in with the following: I have a question for you related to the sociopath and the therapeutic relationship, and how to regain trust in the therapeutic process when it appears to have failed you during the relationship. I have been in therapy with a therapist I trust and have bonded with for more than two years, as well as in group therapy, most of which was also parallel to the duration of my marriage to a sociopath. For a short period of time, the sociopath was in therapy with me in order to try work out the issues in our marriage. I am currently struggling to regain my trust in therapy, when I view it as having eroded the very instincts that were telling me to get …
It would be a shame to let the sociopath win
Something I struggle with on a daily basis is to be free of the past. To fearlessly let go of all that was so that I can live joyously with all that is.The Twelve Steps teaches you to become accountable and responsible for yourself. To not look to fix someone else's problems but rather, to face your own behaviours, to be accountable for your responses to someone else's behaviours and to own your responses.One of the most challenging steps for me was the 4th step -- To make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself.I would make the inventory, and when it got to those things for which I carried great shame, I'd sugar coat them, dress them up, pretty them up. I wouldn't let them …
How to recover from the ruin of a sociopath
Editor's note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud's statement on Spiritual Recovery. Last week, I posted correspondence from Arlene, who, after 23 years of marriage, was discarded by her husband and has lost her connections to her children. Arlene said she was so devastated that she just wanted her life to end. Several Lovefraud readers posted comments of understanding and encouragement for Arlene. Another reader sent an e-mail, describing the steps she took to recover after she had been similarly dumped by her husband. I thought her suggestions were so helpful that I asked permission to post the e-mail, which she graciously granted. Advice …
Allergic to the sociopath I take action to stay free of the allergen
I've developed an allergy that is visible on my face as a red, angry-looking rash that is very itchy and sore. The doctor isn't sure what is causing it -- neither am I. It could be the air or sun, or something environmental in the house. It is a process of recording when it flares up and if I can't eliminate the source, of undergoing allergy testing. In the meantime, the cream is starting to calm the redness and puffiness of my skin which is a relief. It's been irritating to say the least.This morning, as I applied a 'thin layer' to my face, I was wishing it would hurry up and work. Couldn't it do its job faster? Sort of like after the sociopath was removed from my life. Couldn't I hurry …
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Understanding that sociopaths murder the spirit
Here is an e-mail exchange that recently took place between me and a Lovefraud reader: Arlene: I was married to a man for 23 years. I found out so much in the last few years. He murdered my soul, my spirit, and financially devastated me. He moved another woman ... brainwashed my children. My 18 yr old now is on cocaine...she was a nice girl...he has trashed her also and she is not living with me. The children now that were close to me are not empathetic and cold. He grew in power and is an intellectual. He spread vicious rumors about me to cover his tracks. I am just to move on. Even though I was such a devoted mother and this family was my life. I have tried everything to recover and I …