UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: This is the letter that everyone who has broken up with a sociopathic partner should receive. (It refers to the sociopath as “he,” but the sociopath can also be “she.”)
Dear Friend,
We’ve known each other for a long time. We’ve been there for each other through thick and thin. I care about you, even though I haven’t been able to spend much time with you recently — ever since he came into your life.
I heard that the two of you have broken up. I’m thrilled.
Are you surprised? Did you expect me to be upset about your breakup? I’m not. The guy is no good for you. In fact, he’s no good for anyone.
You may not want to hear this, but the person who you thought was the love of your life is a sociopath.
But, you say, he can’t be a sociopath — sociopaths are serial killers, and he’s never killed anyone.
I’m afraid you’re mistaken. Yes, some sociopaths are killers, but most of them are not. In reality, a sociopath is a social predator. These people live their lives by exploiting others.
This man has been exploiting you.
He moved in with you — quickly. You told me that he was going to split expenses — how is that working out? I’m willing to bet he hasn’t paid you a dime.
If he did pay you, I’m sure he exploited you in other ways. Were you a babysitter for his kids? Did you do all the cooking and cleaning? Did he want to meet your business connections? Did he ask you for money?
Or was it just the sex? Did he start out all hot and heavy, and then seem to lose interest? In fact, has he been disappearing? Coming up with excuses to be out of town? Or maybe he doesn’t ever bother with excuses — he just disappears.
The reason, my friend, is probably that he’s been cheating on you. Sociopaths almost always cheat.
Perhaps you knew this in your heart for a long time, but you didn’t want to believe it. Finally, the evidence was indisputable and you threw him out. Or maybe he dumped you. Either way, please look at it the way I do: Good riddance.
I know this is hard on you, because you really cared about him. You thought you finally met the person you’ve been waiting for all your life. I’m sure that’s what he told you. How do I know? Because sociopaths say that to everyone. Did he say you were “soul mates”? That’s another standard line.
But you thought he was authentic. Why? Because you’re authentic. You would never say anything like that unless you meant it. So it’s really hard for you to comprehend that someone could say words like, “I love you,” and not mean them.
Sociopaths are not capable of love. But they know that if they say, “I love you,” they get what they want. Like I said, exploitation.
And now he’s calling you again. Saying that he really does love you. He realizes that he made a mistake, and lost the best thing that ever happened to him. He says he’s sorry. He says he’ll go to therapy. He promises to change.
Blah, blah, blah.
You’re confused. He seems to mean it. After all, he’s never apologized before. (Hello? Why is that?) And even though the two of you have been fighting for a long time, he never agreed to go to therapy before.
Don’t bother. Here’s what you need to know: Once sociopaths are adults, there is no rehabilitation. His offer to go to therapy is just a ploy to reel you in again. Why would he do that? My guess is that his new target threw him out, and he needs a place to stay.
But, you say, you really love him. My friend, what you are feeling isn’t love, it’s addiction. Relationships with sociopaths are highly addictive. The psychological bond that forms with them is really difficult to break. The only way to do it is cold turkey.
So I want you to be strong. Do not take him back. Understand this: He will never change. He might be the charming person that you first met for awhile, but sooner or later, his obnoxious behavior will return. In fact, it will be worse than ever.
And you’ll be more depleted than ever, so when he starts demeaning you again, it will be much harder to escape.
My advice is No Contact. Do not talk to this man. Block his texts and emails. Do not visit his Facebook page. If he shows up at your house, call the police.
The longer you stay away from him, the more the fog will lift and your head will clear.
You see, all those nice things he said to you in the beginning, all the promises that he made, were lies. His objective was to reel you in so that he could exploit you. He was successful before, and if you let him back in, he’ll do it again.
How, you may ask, can I say this? How do I know what he’ll do?
I know because I was in a relationship just like the one that you were in. I learned the hard way, and I don’t want you to go through what I went through.
I’m writing you the letter that I wish someone had written to me.
Love always,
Your friend
Learn more: Survivor’s guide to healthy people and healthy relationships
Lovefraud originally posted this article on July 10, 2017.
I would rather be homeless than spend another day feeling soul-less
Brillant & Powerful letter Donna (spot on post, once again!!)!!!
I wish, I would have received this letter from a friend/family member/his friends right in the beginning of my relationship with him. I needed validation that first my gut instinct were correct about him. That his words were meaningless and his selfish actions were correct.
Thanks you Donna for all of your thought provoking amazing post to educate us all.
Would an autonomous, self-respecting adult who acknowledges giving their partner a difficult time – request to re-enter a relationship before they’d done some healing work? Part of a healthy apology is the work of getting well – alone – not from the cozy center.
When sociopaths acknowledge that they’re wrong, and have engaged in hurtful behavior, it is just part of the manipulation. The objective is to draw the target in again for more exploitation. Sociopaths are never authentic in their apologies. And when they say they’ve changed, or they want to change, usually it’s just another lie.
This is why it is so confusing for people who are in these relationships. We interpret the sociopaths words to mean what they would mean if we said them – and they don’t. It’s hard to wrap our brains around the fact that everything sociopaths say has an ulterior motive.
You are so very right! I had the golden opportunity to leave my sociopath when I caught him cheating the first time (the first time I knew about a cheating episode, I’m certain there were more). We separated for nearly two years, and slowly he reeled me back in. Because he had an agenda. The lies and promises could have won him an Oscar! And just as you wrote, being an authentic person myself, I believed him. And yes, the second betrayal was far, far worse. I only wish I had been stronger after the first separation to stay separated permanently. I hope your stories, Donna, and those of us who chime in, will help others.
Hi Donna I just made a comment to this post. I just want to say although its been easy because he is in jail I had a hard time deciding if I was going to lie or tell the truth. I was already beginning to believe him AGAIN. Then I wrote down all the bad stuff he did to me and it outweighs the good. Once I spoke to the D.A. my mind was made up. It’s time he pays for being a woman beater. I always told him one day he will get what he gives and I guess that day is coming soon. I hope it doesn’t backfire because he is crazy enough to come after me. I’m scared he might kill me. Thanks Donna for being here. Lately I can’t sleep, get up , eat or function. I am working on me.
Somehow, I knew that when I DID leave him, I would NOT, NEVER go back. Somehow I knew I’d end up dead, or so emotionally crippled, I’d be as good as being dead. Oh yes, I heard the tears, the threats of suicide he was saying to our sons, the phone call I got from our family minister’s wife, begging me to agree to mediation, counseling, reconciliation..yes, I found a card in my car, crying to me to ‘give him another chance’..NO I did NOT go back, respond to the pleas of mediation, or to our sons who begged me to ‘go back and live with dad’..his pleas were all too late and his words meant nothing by then anyway, except for more controlling. No, No, No..dont EVEN THINK ABOUT GIVING HIM ANY MORE CHANCES, OR GOING BACK.
Good for you to be so strong in your conviction! Please stay this way and stand firm. I wish I had after the first time around. I would be in such a better place right now.
Hi Donna Anderson
What a great article. Can you please clarify when you say that it’s not love it’s addiction. I understand that yes I’m addicted to my ex but in my heart I really feel that I loved him
shiningstar – here is a previous Lovefraud Blog post which explains how you can become addicted to a sociopath.
https://lovefraud.com/why-you-can-become-addicted-to-a-sociopath/
We have more related articles also. Type “addicted to a sociopath” in the google search bar above this story.
The key is to recognize the addiction, and then recognize that the only way to move forward is to completely eliminate this person from your life.
Thank you Donna for the article. I’m still confused as to why it can’t be love and addiction. Are you saying that if it’s an addiction there is no love? i’ve had no contact with him for four years. Thank you
Dear Friend,
Boy am I glad to hear your words of truth. I haven’t been on Lovefraud for some time but I am back. I need the support. My sp boyfriend is in jail. I couldn’t take any more punches so I called the police and there he sits will be a month in a few days. They have a three year protective order. I didn’t even show up at the court. The DA told me with his priors and the current charge he will go to a jury trial and most likely do some time. My point is he managed to send me a letter using some other names. In the letter he clearly stated he realized he was wrong, he acknowledges his mistakes and takes full responsibility for them. None of it was my fault. He loves me so much and all he does is think of me day and night. This is the best part…”so please baby do whatever it takes to get me out. Tell them you are deranged or that you lied. I can’t go back to prison I am too old for that shit You know I love you more than I have loved any one before in my life. We have plans. I can’t do anything if I am stuck in here”.
My response….YOU GOT IT NO RESPONSE, NO REPLY, NO LETTER IN THE MAIL FOR HIM (I would be breaking the court order if I did) NO CONTACT. So much easier because he is in jail. All calls from the jail are blocked.
I will be here posting. I need support. Thanks friend. Everything you said is all the truth. My story is just like yours no different just another sociopath who ruined my life.
Take Care
Constance247
Constance247…good for you. No response is the ONLY response that will give you a chance for recovering your dignity, happiness, security, and a sense of peace. It is possible to put these awful people FAR FAR behind us, but it takes a real loving commitment to ourselves. We have to put ourselves FIRST. It is not selfish. It is self loving. If we do not love ourselves, we have no hope of ever being loved by another person who truly knows how to love.
I speak from a lots of experience. Both with family, and then subsequent and numerous entanglements with disordered people. The only path forward is to remain in no contact. And if there are no children, property, or other business entanglements, then going no contact can be accomplished.
If you are scared of him killing you then having anything to do with him, that is not 100% needed, and facilitated by law enforcement or a lawyer, is suicide.
Our biological make up is affected by our interactions with sly manipulators. They trigger all sorts of neurotransmitters and hormones that hook us into these types like someone gets hooked to heroin. To break the effect of these body chemicals we have to break any communications with the trigger. They are the trigger. Even the sound of their voices triggers our bodies.
Some of these chemicals make us feel anxious, some loving, some angry, some depressed. But combined they end up making us confused.
They lead into the FOG: Fear, Obligation, Guilt (I also think the G stands for Grief….as I think we start the grieving process with these types pretty early on, once the initial lovebombing stops).
Please stay strong for yourself…..love Slim
This letter is excellent.
Thankfully I never wanted my sociopath ex husband back romantically but I made the HUGE MISTAKE of trying to stay “friends” and “business partners” after our breakup. Of course this resulted in four more years of extreme emotional and financial destruction.
If I could do my breakup over I would do the following:
1) no contact – this is the ONLY way to end the emotional/psychological abuse
2) file for divorce immediately with a shark attorney – fight for my financial rights
3) file for a restraining order and call police every time he violates the restraining order