When we realize that we’ve been involved with a sociopath, and that person has callously betrayed us, we inevitably ask, “Why? Why did this happen to me?”
To help find the answer, one of the books that Lovefraud recommends is The Betrayal Bond—Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. The book explains the deep psychological wounds caused by trauma, and offers a way for us to identify and overcome abusive relationships that we may have experienced.
When I read the book, I was struck by what Carnes wrote on page 68:
My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.
I believe there is meaning in what we have experienced at the hands of sociopaths. Here it is: The object of the exercise is to force us to jettison mistaken beliefs about ourselves.
Promising to fill the void
When sociopaths come into our lives, they snag us by promising to fill some void. For most of us on Lovefraud, the void is our missing soul mate, but sociopaths can also promise career success, monetary rewards, spiritual enlightenment—any number of things. (Please note: This dynamic doesn’t quite apply when sociopaths are family members.)
Sociopaths are experts at identifying our vulnerabilities and exploiting them. So the question becomes, why do we have the vulnerabilities in the first place? Here’s where the mistaken beliefs come in.
We believe we cannot attract a fulfilling romance.
We believe people only want us when we do something for them.
We believe we cannot succeed through our own efforts.
We believe we aren’t good enough.
We believe we are unlovable.
We believe there’s something wrong with us.
We believe we cannot cope with life by ourselves.
We believe other people come before ourselves.
We believe someone will come and make all our troubles disappear.
These just a few of the erroneous beliefs that create voids within us. Where do they come from? Perhaps from abuse in our past, as outlined in The Betrayal Bond.Perhaps they come from simple misperceptions. In any event, the sociopath steps right in to fill them.
Feel free to add your own mistaken beliefs to the list.
Critical juncture
So the sociopaths make promises—and break every one of them. At some point we wake up, come out of the fog, and realize that our lives have crumbled into piles of debris. That’s when we ask why? Why did this happen to me?
This is a critical juncture. We can certainly blame the sociopath—they are evil, and they deserve to be blamed. We can say it was fate, or luck, which is sometimes true—there are sociopaths who randomly assault or kill people. But in most of our cases, we believed the sociopath, went along with the charade, for a period of time. Why did we do this?
If we can find the answer to this question, we can discover the meaning in the betrayal by the sociopath.
As much as I hate to admit it, I did benefit from the destruction wrought by the sociopath I married. I am not the same person that I was before him—I am wiser, healthier and happier.
Why? Because I found and released all those mistaken beliefs.
Yes, it was painful. Yes, it was traumatic. But by looking for the meaning and undertaking the healing journey, my life is now much richer than it ever was.
angelforyou
Silver,
I have read your train post also ….yes…yes …and you are left scrambling, stunned, searching. SLAM!! Whoosh!!! So many unanswered questions.
How DARE they take away our dreams , slipping into our lives like the slime they are…. and bring us to their level at times. We keep looking seeking trying to figure it out.
I want him to burn burn burn. I really don’t have anything left in my heart for him. I do worry about his destruction that feels like a tornado hit. And he goes on…hopping from country to country. DESTRUCTION
I have lots of READING to do. I need to get processing this. It took me 8 months to realize that I am dealing with something more than a “S word” I threw out here and there since it happened . And, maybe, I have to find a therapist who understands.
You are right, something in us allowed us let them into our lives. Need to work on the vulnerabilities. That will provide some answers. OH I have big boundries right now. Damn the terrorists!
Oh they are stupid stupid stupid. We make things so easy , but that is not enough for them…drama drama drama…But then that stupidity is what saved me…He is GONE and that is GOOD.
I am soaking all this in and learning about the mirroring, the projection, how they do not trust (but we did), and that was huge. If we question…oh how dare us!!! Shame on us! I let him have his space, how dare he accuse me of getting on his computer…never touched it!! He was all over mine though…..WE ARE NOT LIKE LIKE LIKE THEM!!
It is an evolution, I want a revolution. OUT with the Spaths! NOT ALLOWED!
angelforyou
Ok I’m here but I’m reading the healing stuff by Kathleen Hawk
and….
listening to the F…Y…song
angelforyou
Well that didn’t work…can’t listen to that song and try to read and learn…
So…
just reading….
conomo
Angel…still here? I love the analogy that they are stealing souls to fill up the deficit in theirs. That makes sense even if they don’t know that’s how they are functioning.
So : WHATEVER YOU DO–DON’T FEED THE SOUL STEALERS/STEELERS!
I’m scared too darlin….maybe for different reasons, but fear is fear. For our love, money, safety….
I’ve started my Betrayal Bond book as I was compelled to. It seems I need to keep reading others accounts to cement it in my brain that what I experienced is indeed an encounter with a full blown sociopath. It is hard to come to terms with as many have expressed. I know I must for my safety now. His behaviour has become obviously dangerous. He’s still in jail so I have time to heal and plan!!!!
Is it time for the FU song??? Enjoy it for me if it is—no way in hell dial up will let me play it….
conomo
Maybe I should have said Heaven. 🙂
angelforyou
LOL you’re makin’ me laugh.
I am not listening the the fu song without YOU. Sounds like you are making your own music!
Speaking of ideas for songs….I am thinking a few musicians had Ss in their lives…
I was reading another post of yours today.
Guns really up the ante on scary. BE SAFE GIRL! Keep plannin’!
My S wanted to get a gun…I thought what in the heck for??!!
scary scary scary…lookin’ over our shoulders
I like your new name Conomo…its STRONG
okay back to healing/reading for a half hour then to bed, well , I’m already there. I have to work the next 4 out of 5 days. Then divorce DAY.
Good night sweet one and everyone xxooo
conomo
I think our time zone is different on top of time change here.
So glad I made you laugh….I try so hard to make me laugh…so happy to take someome along on that devious trail!!!
conomo
I’m nor really devious…God I’m always doing post scripts….makes me wanna cry…SOB’s do that
angelforyou
You sound on the happy side…thats GOOD!
It is now 933 pm. I have to get up at 500am so…to bed for me..What time is it where you are?
angelforyou
Just a minute.
Are you saying it is devious to laugh?
We need to laugh, we are stressed out.
Laughter is healing.
I know you know that too.
I have just had a kind of venting day, but feeling MUCH better now.
I am reading Kathleen Hawk’s healing steps. And she is bringing up some points that are hitting home and right on.
I am feeling kind of slow here, been here about 2 or three weeks and well I guess I have been JUMPING around on the reading.
N E Ways! GOOD Night!!!!!!!!