Sooner or later, those of us who are romantically involved, or have been romantically involved, with sociopaths and other exploiters recognize that the relationship is bad for us and must end. Although we know this intellectually, often we still feel incredible attraction, even love, for the individual. How do we break the emotional attachment?
For example, Lovefraud recently received the following letter:
I am single, and I think I was with someone very narcissistic, if not outright sociopathic. The thing is, even though I am no longer with him (and he did not get to my finances), he broke my heart.
My question is, how do you get over him? I have tried to date others, but no man has compared with the chemistry and (you know, all the rest) that I had with the narcissist. I have a man now who truly loves me, and we are soul mates. I just don’t have that “sizzle” with him that I did with the one who was bad for me. Do you think I should “settle” for the good, honest man? I mean, I am attracted to him; it’s just not the mad passion like the narcissist brought out.
Many, many readers have told Lovefraud that getting over relationships with sociopaths (narcissists, etc.) is much more difficult than getting over other relationships that they’ve had. The reasons for this are complicated, and are rooted in both normal human psychology and the sociopath’s pathology.
The seduction
The first thing to understand is that sociopaths engage in seduction. This is significantly different from a normal dating relationship.
When two relatively healthy people begin dating, they are both testing the waters. They are spending time with each other to see if they like each other enough, or have enough in common, or get along well enough, to keep going. Yes, one party may be more interested than the other, but neither of them has made a decision.
In contrast, sociopaths purposely and consciously seduce their targets. They lavish the person with attention. They want to know everything about the target, they call and text constantly, they shower the person with gifts large and small. Sociopaths move fast, and quickly begin talking about love, commitment and marriage. This is called love bombing.
For most of us, the only experience we’ve ever had with this level of attention is in a fairytale. We are swept off our feet, caught up in the intensity, the magic, of Prince or Princess Charming. We’ve heard all those stories of “love at first sight,” and hope that it’s finally happened to us. We think it’s real.
Here’s what you need to understand: The sociopath’s extraordinary pursuit is never about love. It is about predation. You are or have something that the sociopath wants—at least for the moment. Despite what the sociopath says, his or her interest in you is not about building a relationship or future together. It’s about acquiring a possession.
The sex adventure
Sociopaths, both men and women, are hard-wired for sex. They have high levels of testosterone, and a strong appetite for stimulation. These two facts are probably responsible for the “animal magnetism” that we sense with them.
But that’s only the beginning. Sociopaths are often extraordinarily energetic and proficient lovers—at least technically. Because of their tremendous sexual appetite, they start young and have a lot of partners, so they quickly become experienced. And, because they have no shame, they feel no inhibitions. In fact, they frequently want to push their partners’ boundaries.
Is this passion? No—it’s boredom. Sociopaths quickly tire of the same old thing, and want new sexual adventures. Getting the target to go along with their desires offers two types of rewards: They enjoy new modes of stimulation. And, they manipulate the partners. This is especially fun if the partner initially resists the demands.
The sex connection
From Nature’s point of view, of course, the purpose of sex is propagation—the continuation of the human species. Nature wants children to survive, and the best chance of that happening is when parents stay together to care for them.
Therefore, sexual intimacy causes changes in the brain that contribute to bonding between the partners. One agent for doing this is oxytocin, a neurotransmitter sometimes called the “love hormone.”
Oxytocin is released during sexual orgasm, and, in women, in childbirth and nursing. According to Wikipedia, here’s what the hormone does:
Oxytocin evokes feelings of contentment, reductions in anxiety, and feelings of calmness and security around the mate. In order to reach full orgasm, it is necessary that brain regions associated with behavioral control, fear and anxiety are deactivated; which allows individuals to let go of fear and anxiety during sexual arousal. Many studies have already shown a correlation of oxytocin with human bonding, increases in trust, and decreases in fear.
So during sex, your brain is being flooded with calmness, trust and contentment, and fear and anxiety are alleviated. If you’re involved in a true loving and committed relationship, this contributes to bonding, which is fine and healthy.
Sociopaths, however, do not bond in the same way that healthy people do. Although we don’t know if oxytocin works differently in sociopaths, or perhaps doesn’t work at all, we do know that sociopaths are deficient in their ability to love. So while the healthy partner develops a love bond; the sociopath does not.
The addiction
A love bond is created by pleasure, and during the seduction phase of the relationship, the sociopath generates extreme pleasure for the target. However, addiction research has discovered that although pleasure is required to form a bond, pleasure is not required to maintain it. Even when a relationship starts to get rocky, normal people still feel bonded. Again, this is Nature’s way of keeping people together. If parents split up at the first sign of trouble, the survival of children would be in doubt.
Sooner or later, of course, relationships with sociopaths get rocky. Perhaps the sociopath engages in cheating, stealing or abuse. The sociopath’s actions create fear and anxiety in the target. But instead of driving the target away from the sociopath, anxiety and fear actually strengthen the psychological love bond.
So what do the targets do? They turn to the sociopaths for relief. The sociopaths may apologize profusely and promise to change their hurtful ways, reassuring the targets. The targets, feeling bonded to the sociopaths, want to believe the reassurances, so they do. Then the two people have sex, which reinforces the bond again.
From the target’s point of view, the relationship becomes a vicious circle of bonding, anxiety, fear, relief, sex and further bonding. The longer it goes on, the harder it is for the target to escape.
The result: For the target, the love bond becomes an addiction.
Vulnerability
How is this possible? How do targets get into this predicament?
Often, targets are primed for sociopathic relationships due to trauma that they have already experienced in their lives. As children, they may have suffered physical, emotional, psychological or sexual abuse from family members, authority figures or others. Or, the targets may have already experienced exploitative relationships, such as domestic violence, from which they have not recovered.
These abusive experiences create “trauma bonds.” As a result, abuse and exploitation feel normal to a target.
For healing to occur, targets need to look honestly into themselves and into their histories, finding the root of the issue. Was there a prior relationship that made you vulnerable to a sociopath?
Recovery
So, to answer the original question in the letter, how do you get over the sociopath?
First of all, you need to understand that what you are feeling is not chemistry or love. You are feeling addiction and a pathological love bond—the trauma bond.
Healing requires conscious effort. The book called The Betrayal Bond, by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., is an excellent resource for doing this. Carnes writes:
Once a person has been part of our lives, the ripples remain, even though we have no further contact. In that sense a relationship continues even though we may consciously exorcise it from our conscious contact. Once you understand that principle, a shift will occur in all of your contact with others.
If the relationship was toxic, as in a traumatic bond, the relationship must go through a transformation, since it will always be with you. You do not need to be in contact with th person to change the nature of the relationship. You can change how you perceive it. You can change how it impacts you.
How do you do this? You commit to facing the reality of the relationship—all of it. Trauma tends to distort perception—you want to focus the good memories and forget about the bad ones. You must force yourself to deal with the truth of the experience—including the betrayal.
If you’re still feeling the tug of the pathological relationship, The Betrayal Bond includes information and exercises that can help you break free. The book is available in the Lovefraud Store. (My book, Love Fraud, describes an alternative path to recovery.)
And to the Lovefraud letter-writer: Do not confuse drama with love. Accepting a good, honest man is not “settling.” It is the foundation of a healthy relationship.
You can move forward.
This is for ‘lesson learned’ who commented that she never got love bombed or felt she gave her exSpath the sex he wanted and feels bad about it.
I know I don’t check in here very often. But I feel I’ve had some recent experiences that made me connect with what you said. I just want to clarify that I broke up with my S-path in July 2008, after only a few short months, and though my relationships since then have been rocky, I have invited no more sociopaths into my life.
Last summer, I had a brief affair with a neighbor I’d known as a friend/acquaintance for 6 years. He is very sexy and a musician (read: rock star), which was very exciting to me. The few times I had sex with him left me wondering what I’d done wrong. It was NOT great, and he never called me afterward. I did not chase him. Instead I fell into a depression, wondering what was wrong with me and why he couldn’t want me. I felt horrible about myself and lost all confidence in my sexuality. A few friends who knew musicians thought I should just knock on his door and take the reins in the relationship. But I didn’t have the confidence. I let it go, but it bothered me.
Then something happened to turn me around. I went to Costa Rica and met a new friend who became the best lover I ever had. He restored my confidence (although breaking away from him is another story!). When I came back, I realized that it was the neighbor who was deficient and NOT ME. With this new confidence, I decided to have closure with the neighbor. I knocked on his door and invited him on a walk. I ended up telling him he’d hurt me by not calling, after which he began calling me regularly (even without sex). We became steady friends and gym buddies after that (!) with him calling me frequently over a period of several months. We only slept together once during that time, and again, I was left feeling like I was wanting more. But I knew it was HIM or at very least the incompatibility between us. I know it wasn’t me. Now as things are fading with him, I am grateful for the lesson I learned in Costa Rica and that I got to have completion with the neighbor.
You will never be able to have completion with your sociopath unfortunately. But you can at least change your perception of what happened. However, the lack/loss of love hurts tremendously and there is no way of escaping the pain – that is where the healing lies.
I wish you the very best in getting through this and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you – that all of us – deserve/s better.
Dear Lesson Learned:
His monster self appeared within 2 weeks. It was on Valentine’s Day, we had just started going out. We were leaving a great movie and having a good time and I was happy, we were on his way to his house for a relaxing rest of the day.
It could have been earlier than 2 weeks looking back. All I know is I didn’t trust my gut. A very tough way to learn this lesson. I’m way different today with people, I don’t need to connect to others anymore. It’s a relief.
Awesome read and responses. This is my first time ever making a comment on this site, I guess mostly due to fear! It is amazing how much I relate to everyone. I had no idea about sociopath behavior until I met my ex-husband 8 yrs ago. During that 8 years he left me at least 6 times, 3 during our marriage, 3 out of the marriage. Each time he left he was with other women, usually someone I knew. He would tell them the same things he told me through the years. Words I am sure you are all familiar with (They were his soul mate, his life, he was in love with them, promising them the world, ). Anyway, more importantly, I continued to take him back every cotton pick’n time. I was so sucked in by his words, and his “sexual powers” every freak’n time. Even knowing his past actions in my heart my head would not let me believe he was truly that mean. It was almost as if I just couldn’t beleive he meant to do all the terrible things he had done and he had finally come to his sences and he was truly sorry for his actions. I can clearly remember the moments we were apart and feeling completely devestated, hurt, and bewildered, and still wanting him sexually all at the same time knowing he was probably boinking someone else at that very moment. I also remember each time he left becoming more and more not okay with that feeling. This last adventure with him lasted 7 months. We were already divorced but he came back once again claiming how much he fucked up, and wanted another chance. He became so emotional, cried like a fuck’n baby and once again, he got me. Of course that first night we had sex. HELLO! What was different about this time is when we were done I vomited. I was truly physically ill. I was picturing everyone he has had sex with and I knew at that moment something was different with me. As I said before, he left 7 months later with the same old bullshit stories. You know the deal…I wasn’t given him the love & affection he deserved as a man and I had become once again very selfish. I didn’t argue with him, I simply refused too. After I had left for work the next morning, only getting like 2 hrs of sleep due to his pouting and crazy behavior, he packed his shit and left without me knowing “of course”. It has almost been 5 months and I feel different, a way I haven’t felt before. Not sure what it is but I am grateful, very grateful. I feel I caught on more quickly to his shit this last round and was able to see more clearly his patterns. That may have something to do with going faithfully to therapy for the last 2 years. Not sure! What a freak’n rollercoaster ride this has been and I know it’s not over dealing with him considering we have a 4 year old daughter together. That in itself makes me want to puke! I know I have wrote way too much on this and I apologize but felt the utter urge to do so. Thanks people for sharing your stories. I don’t know any of ya, but I love ya!
Star,
Thank you for sharing your story. I think the last part of your post resonates most with me in changing my perceptions of what happened. And that the lack/loss of love hurts tremendously and there is no way of escaping the pain-that’s where the healing lies.
There is no bigger truth than that. Both my parents were exploitive. The messages in my childhood by every single adult were very clear: YOU are not worth loving. There is something wrong WITH YOU, not US. YOU are defective. Several things come up for me and alot of them are nailed on my bio mother. I was molested by my stepfather ongoing and consistently for 4 years. There are issues I need to deal with that surround that, however, the tragedy for me, was the lack of my mother’s protection and exploitive behavior when I told her about the molesting. I’ll never ever forget the day she put me in front of my stepfather, the day after I told her. They were lying in bed and she made me tell him what I said to her and they started laughing at me, then she told me I was grounded until further notice. This was just as I was getting ready for school. I STILL remember the pain I felt that day. It was like a huge butcher knife to my heart. I shut down emotionally after that. I couldn’t even cry. I STILL have not cried from that pain. She was mean, cruel and hurtful to me. Spath sister said I should forgive her because she always felt “guilt” about it. My mother did apologize to me when I was pregnant and in my mid twenties when she paid me a visit one day. BUt it didn’t feel heartfelt to me. She was still abusive after. So many “crimes” by my spath family in being a scapegoat where I NEVER had the chance to defend myself and when I tried, I was made fun of. These memories are so hard for me to deal with. I wish I’d had her love and protection, that of my family. I feel defective in many areas because of their lack of love, clear hatred of me and lack of safety. I didn’t understand why and what was happening to me…oddly enough, everytime this POS said something hurtful to me, or did something mean to me, it was the same stuff I felt when my mother did it to me that horrible day, the same DEEP feeling in my chest of hurt and pain. I saw him the same way as I saw them. They were somehow all knowing, god like and I was defective. And that’s how I saw POS too.
I want very much to heal from this. I know it’s going to take a long time. I’ve never discussed this much in therapy either. I didn’t get the therapy I truly needed.
What was done to me makes me feel very wounded inside.
No child should ever have been treated that way. In that light, I’m so glad, so VERY blessed that I love my children so much. That they are close to me. My daughters were molested by a neighbor man and put the guy in prison. They were able to do that because I believed, supported and loved them. Something that was NOT given to me. I find it amazing, truly a blessing and a gift that I was able to show my children love, to say I’m sorry, and to love them some more, even without the tools to do what I was NEVER shown to do.
They are my gift.
LL
Kelly!
BIG FAT WELCOME HERE!!! WOW! You are a STRONG woman!!
NEVER apologize for “writing” too much lol!! I’ve seen a lot longer here, including out of me!!
I relate so much to your vomiting story. I felt that way the last time I spent the night with exPOS. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I was just SICK!!!
Thanks for sharing your story and it’s great that you are where you are in piecing together the puzzle for yourself so you are disgusted with him! GOOD FOR YOU!
I feel your spirit in your post! HOpe to hear more of your story soon!
LL
This is a very timely article for me because I’m finally starting to realize how I was love-bombed for years . . . and now seeing the ex doing the same with his now gf (the woman he was having an affair with while married to me).
I met my ex when I was 19 years old, and he was the only bf . . . only relationship I ever had. We married and all told I was with him for over 20 years, before he blindsided and walked out on me for the other woman.
He’s all I knew. I lost my virginity to him, I was faithful, and he was the only man I ever loved. I didn’t know any different, and I thought this was how relationships should be.
Boy! was I ever wrong. It’s been nearly 2 years since he blindsided me, and just over a year since his true self has been exposed to me. He cheated on me for most of our marriage I now know. He is also a habitual liar, something I never considered. trusted him completely and if ever I had doubt he would manipulate me in such a way that I would doubt myself and become insecure as he always accused me of not “supporting him” when in fact my entire existence was focused on his happiness, his well-being.
After he left me (he denied there was someone else), I discovered his e-mails to her. They were over the top declarations of love. I shared them with my closest friends and family, and they all expressed disgust stating he was acting like a schoolboy crush. And I realized that everything he was saying to her, he said to me . . . and how they sent me over the moon. I held onto those early declarations of over-the-top love for years. He was that Prince Charming that I always dreamed of.
And then the sexual attention. It was wild, it was crazy, it was adventurous. I loved the thrill of it all, and was overwhelmed by all the attention. That’s where he hooked me. Now I realize it wasn’t “real” it was a porn movie. But again, I didn’t know anything different.
But I will admit that as time went on I began to have those doubts. I would hear him say “I love you” or write me this flowery love note (which became rarer and rarer with time), and I would feel a lack of sincerity. Once I told him that I didn’t think it was “real” and he accused me of being cold and unfeeling. Thus the constant manipulations that made me over years become more and more insecure.
Thanks to Facebook, I can sometimes see his postings to her. And yes they are over the top, almost creepy coming from a 43 yo man. But to see it on the surface you think “wow, they really must be in love . . .he’s crazy for her and she for him.” But so much of it has a sexual undertone and I know it’s lust.
She’s incredibly insecure, has been married three times and always needs a man in her life. She’s “religious” and needs to believe that “God brought them together” to justify her role in ending a 16 year marriage and breaking up a family with two young children. She’s also moved across country to be closer to him, and has no friends and family close by — only him. So the two are completely wrapped up in eachother and she doesn’t see that he is “love-bombing” her like he did with me.
But I do know that he’s been cheating on her since the day he met her. In fact, he still flirts with me and has said numerous times he would like to have sex again as I’m much more “adventurous” than she is. He tells me how he still “thinks” of me and gets aroused as a result. At first it turned me on, but now it disgusts me because I realize what a perverted sicko he is.
I’m finally coming to terms that I really didn’t do anything wrong in or relationship (only that I accepted way too much of his bad behavior — the list goes on and on).
He only left me because he became bored, didn’t like the responsibility of family, and she comes from money (lots of it). It’s taken me a long time to realize this. And yes, there are days where I hurt and can’t believe he’s with someone else . . . but, I have to remind myself he is a man with no soul (I created an illusion for myself of the “perfect” man). And he’s only repeating history — he’s playing her just like he did me.
I pray someday I will experience “real” love. It makes me so sad to know that what I thought I had never really was, and that I have two young children who are going to have to learn some very hard lessons as their father will continuously hurt them as he did me.
Hopefully, I will give my children the strength and security to believe in themselves rather than be manipulated by someone who I now realize is a very sick individual.
Wow! I have struggled with this exact thing – feeling so bonded and attached to the man who broke my heart even though I have not seen or spoken to him for 2 years and 2 months and 11 days.
I LITERALLY felt addicted to him and felt that I could not survive without him. He was hurting me and my spirit was broken by this man and yet with him I felt SO ALIVE – something no other man ever made me feel. With the ex, the highs were really high and the lows were really low.
When I go out on a date now, I always compare the new men I meet and I don’t feel the electricity with them that I felt with the ex. I was just so attracted to this man. He was magnetic and I just could not resist him.
It is so hard to get over men like these. They are so charming and ACT so kind, loving and gentle…it is hard to believe it was all an act. But it is.
Lesson Learned, This horrible pain, and the profound sadness you are experiencing right now, are the cornerstones to healing. I was taught that so much of what we do, including relationships with men, is just an attempt to distract ourselves from our emotional pain. We obsess about others cause it’s too painfull to deal with ourselves.
I don’t think you realize how far you’ve come. You are dealing with a lot, and it’s all very painful, but you are dealing with it, and I can tell by your posts that you are committed to getting well, and finding , loving yourself. You will get through this, and comeout the other side.
I am very glad you decided to get some help with all this.
I had a very positive experience in therapy. I am praying you will too.
I’m really proud of you. And thanks for sharing some of your story with us. I know it isn’t easy to talk about that stuff, but it helps so much to do it. ((((hugs))))
Woodrow…..
I’m so sorry for your pain.
I was the OW in my situation with ex POS. I can tell you that she’s not getting anything better. I think you know this, but I felt it was important to share this with you because of the place I was in with exPOS. I had an affair with him for nine years. He got divorced but his treatment of me got WORSE the “closer” we got. He also was love bombing another woman in another state. I got out of the relationshit, but I can tell you that it’s no better with her and from how you describe her, tells me that she has many issues that drew her to him. She’s a victim too. Everyone is that crosses their paths. When you said money, that sent alarm bells off in my head. Hmmm…..he’s not with her because he loves her, perhaps it’s the money. Either way, he’s there because he wants something she HAS. They use sex as a weapon. I think you know that he’s not into her, as you can see by his wanting to come back around and have sex, or that you know he’s pursuing other women. You made a wise choice in not degrading yourself further.
She’s not getting it any better, TRUST me on this one. Mine use to love bomb me constantly with emails. It wasn’t even three months into the intimate part of our relationshit that he was abusive to me in BIG BIG ways. And you can bet he’s using the “victim” card of you in that situation to suck her in more.
It’ll be over before ya know it 🙂
I told my ex’s wife about us. As well as new love bomb when I found out he was lying to me. They both dumped his ass. And I’ll tell ya, not two weeks later, he has a gf down the street from me LOL!
Never changing………
I hope this helps
LL
Shock,
Just read your post.
I appreciate it because most of the posters here are women. When I read posts from men on this board, a small part of me feels “offended” because I’m a woman. Seems a woman spath is just an atrocity to our gender lol! Anyway, your post is a good reminder to me that men do suffer as well. I’m sorry you experienced a female spath. I do have a spathy sister, so I do understand there are def female spaths out there and she treats her man like absolute garbage.
I can tell you that while I’ve NEVER had a good romantic relationship with any man, that I haven’t lost hope in all the male species. I DO have good men friends who are healthy people. I tend to never say never, although right now I”m not ready for a relationship with any man for sure. I hope that a good woman is someone you meet someday. ALL good men deserve a healthy, great relationship with someone, as do ALL good women 🙂
Just sayin….