Last Sunday, the Asbury Park Press, a New Jersey newspaper, published a front-page article about the career of Edward J. Devine. On August 1, 2008, Devine was sentenced to five years in prison for bouncing checks and deceiving nonprofit and educational institutions.
The bulk of the story was not about those crimes, but what Devine did to the women in his life. Claiming to be the heir to a Sonoma wine company and a trucking mogul, he left one wife, Donna Devine, and her mother $400,000 in debt. He wiped out the inheritance of another wife, Deborah Weiss. He forced his first wife, Carol Ceralli, into bankruptcy.
It’s a story that many of us know, and some of us have experienced.
But what is significant to me about this story is that it was brought to my attention by my brother. He saw the story in the Asbury Park Press and sent me the link.
That same day, my husband suggested that I look into Mike Wooten, the trooper at the root of Sarah Palin’s Troopergate. My husband was the one who read the newspaper articles about Wooten. “The cop looks like one of your guys,” he said.
I investigated further, and my husband was right. In my opinion, Wooten is a sociopath.
So last Sunday, two members of my family alerted me to stories about sociopaths. They’ve learned what these predators look like.
I consider this a sign of success. I’ve been talking about sociopaths, and they’ve been listening.
Criticized by my family
It wasn’t always this way. When I was in the midst of the trauma, trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered life after learning that James Montgomery, my ex-husband, was a con artist, I could not talk to my family about it.
They criticized me for not listening to them when they expressed doubts. (This was after I was married to Montgomery—no one said anything before I married him.) Then they criticized my recovery methods. I quickly learned that it was best not to tell them what I was doing.
Eventually, however, I worked my way out of the hole. I also began to develop Lovefraud. But it took time. Lovefraud launched more than five years after my divorce.
Now, when I tell my family that more than 1,000 people who have written to Lovefraud with stories of being targeted by sociopaths, they seem to realize that I wasn’t as stupid as they thought I was. Anyone can be a victim.
Talking about the sociopath
So how do you talk to people about your experience with sociopaths? I think two preliminary steps are necessary:
First, you need to educate yourself about sociopaths. (The fact that there is so much confusion about what to call them—sociopaths, psychopaths, antisocials—doesn’t help.) Learn that millions of people have the disorder. Although there are symptoms and warning signs, these people are experts at hiding them. Treatment options are few to none. Everyone will run across a sociopath at some point, and if they don’t recognize the predator, they will become a target.
Second, you need to be able to discuss sociopaths as an educator, not as a victim. This means you probably are not going to be able to do it while the experience is raw. If you’re still coping with the pain, horror, self-doubt and grief, your friends and family will interpret your words as self-pity, and will come back with the refrain, “Get over it, already.” During the early phases of your recovery, it’s probably best to express yourself with the understanding community here at Lovefraud, rather than with your personal acquaintances who, however well-meaning, simply don’t understand.
But eventually, if you give yourself time and permission to heal, you will. And then, with your understanding of this destructive personality disorder, and your personal experience, you’ll be able to talk knowledgably about sociopaths to your friends and family. They’ll begin to understand, and start to recognize sociopaths on their own.
When you’re ready, you’ll be able to shine a light on these predators, and perhaps deny them a few victims. And that will lend some meaning of your awful experience.
Iwonder
Oh, I’m sorry Stargazer. The first line of my last post about the 3rd woman was responding to you.
LIG: No drama is good drama. Wish I had peace.
Stargazer
I never got to that point with mine where he talked badly to me. The only thing he did was lie (which I found out later) and continously break promises. The inconsistencies and lies are what made him so crazy. I loved the way he treated me when he was around me. He never made me wrong for being angry with him, and always took responsibility for my upsets at him. If he got sick of me and moved onto someone else, I will probably never know. I will never know the reason for the no call/no show, but it definitely seems consistent with the sociopathic behavior. He seemed like the sweetest guy. He never spoke poorly about me to my friends afterward either. I guess I should be glad I got out before any of this stuff happened. I think the no call/no show is probably pretty standard behavior for these people. And their partners just develop a baseline where they tolerate it. He had a bogus excuse for the first time. But the second time was it for me. I’m so glad I didn’t go back after that.
Wini
Stargazer: Are you kidding me? You don’t know why he produced “no shows” with you … earth to stargazer, earth to stargazer. He was with one of numerous other women.
Sorry, they are all like that. None of them are monogamous … everyone, and I mean everyone is a game to them to be played and toyed with.
The lie and cheat and steal … so they can lie and cheat and steal. We were their business, taking what was ours and claiming it for themselves. If they moved in with us it was for a roof over their heads. Period.
That don’t change and they never settle down … even if they marry … they cheat on the spouse to.
Iwonder
Stargazer: You are lucky he did not talk badly to you. LIG and I had our faces spit at. True psychos. He always would say, “i just can’t control it.” “It” meaning his demeaning screaming and spitting in my face. He did it to me 2 times. Once in front of his son. I looked at his son and said, “don’t ever get to be like your dad.” “Never ever spit in a woman’s face.” Poor kid. The psycho screams at the boy too and demeans him.
lostingrief
wini and star; i told him i wanted to go away for the summer and sublet my apartment, and he actually was mad and said, ”we never discussed that!” he actually thought it was his place … uh, i never saw any rent money, that’s for sure.
meantime, he’s already moved into his new gf’s apt and still living with his wife, too.
puh-leeeeze!!!
they are capable of having several intense relationships simultaneously. they can juggle three or four women with little difficulty. it’s amazing but true. i listened to his voice messages once and there were four or five different girls (and i mean girls), saying stuff like, ”hey baby, i miss you,” and ”when am i gonna see you again,” and ”just wanted to call and say good morning.” when i confronted him, he said, ”every girl wants me. so what. i don’t ACT on it.” lol…i believed him.
he was a master of deception. it is amazing to me. like looking at the sun. you can’t stop, but you know it’s gonna make you blind.
Iwonder
LIG: Another trick. They always turn the cell phone off at night. My x-soc would do that. I could never get his phone to check messages. Then he started getting really slick…locking it in the car at night. The spare key to the car was at “his boys” house. Um..you know that was the OW’s house. She was probably using the car i paid for too…which pissed me off to no end.
I pulled up my old cell phone bill from last year because his phone was on my plan. I called a few numbers. Women, women, women.
Last Dec. he decided he wanted his own phone and own phone plan. Carte Blanche to call all the women.
He doesn’t call me from the cell anymore. He isn’t responding to my text messages about taking care of the deed paperwork. What he does is call me from the phone at work or *67 from the landline at the OW’s house. I guess he doesn’t want the OW to know he is contacting me. I don’t know why. She should already know we are just trying to resolve the paperwork for my property. What is he hiding from her??
Stargazer
My ex claimed that his wife (he called her his “ex”) was required by the army to move back into his townhome to take care of him after we’d been dating for 3 weeks. In retrospect, since he was faking his medical injury, the army thought he needed a caretaker. So during the times he promised he was going to call and didn’t, he always said his “ex” was there and controlling what he did. The creepy thing was I always saw him posting snake pics on the website during those times when he was supposed to call. He told me it would all be over soon because of the quicky army divorce that was about to take place. Boy do I ever feel stupid for falling for that one. I cannot believe I was so naive as to believe him! I had backed way off during that period while his wife was allegedly “staying” at his townhome. I was dating other guys. But I had already fallen for him and decided to just wait it out. The damage had already been done. Anyway, I really didn’t think he could have been dating a third person because I always saw him hanging out on the site!
Iwonder
StarG: We’ll be smarter next time. I swear. Next guy that really isn’t truly divorced will not be considered.
You know what kills me about my ex? He said for the first time in his life, he’s actually felt someone else’s pain over what he’s done to them (my pain.) He said he never wants to hurt anyone like that ever again. Uhm..then why is he continue to torture me in dragging out giving me my place back. He knows I’m sick over it. I can’t stand him.
Stargazer
So if my ex was never angry or jealous or controlling, does that mean he isn’t a true psycho? Or just that we didn’t date long enough for me to see that side of him? He didn’t seem to mind that I was dating other people while I was waiting for his imaginary divorce to come through.
Yeah, that’s a good one, Iwonder, about his telling you he can feel your pain, then turn around and inflict more. What a piece of work. Mine used to say things like “I’m not like other men. You’ll see. I’m not like all those jerks that play women”.
Wini
Stargazer: My EX was the perfect, and I mean perfect gentleman. Who cares what their modus operandi is … they are users and abusers of society. Period. Some are nice and play the gentleman or gentle lady, others are thugs, some play the poor, poor pitiful me … help me … as they help themselves to what you have to offer. NO CONTACT. Stay away from him. If he were for real, would you be going through any of this? I don’t think so. You came searching for this site to understand and gain knowledge to what you went through. Doesn’t your gut instincts tell you something? That you were right to look into this site? You know he lied and conned you … so keep your eyes open, blog to others on this site that went through the same things as you … find out the truth … because the TRUTH, not his lies, will set you free. Free to move past your pain and heal … to live a beautiful life of truth … not some idiots lies to con you.
If you need to see for yourself what they are all about … I’m sure this movie is playing in your state as it is mine. As a matter of fact it’s on in the background as I write you “Santa and Kenny Kimes”. Ring a bell. That’s what your EX is all about … playing and using people for their own selfish, needs, wants, desires. Period. Not going to work doing the 9 to 5 and saving and investing their money like the rest of us do … no, they devised a better mousetrap … date people and take them for what they can get. Hey, big cowards. Instead of taking a gun and robbing a bank, possibilities of getting shot by a police officer … they do one better, they date real people and steal from us. Period.
Peace.