UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: This Lovefraud reader, who posts as “Snow White,” previously wrote an article called “The heart thief.“ Here’s what she says about your sociopathic partner — no matter how much you want to believe, he is not Prince Charming.
Fairy tales — the fantasy of every girl. A story of fantastic forces and beings. A tale of improbable events that will lead to a happy ending. Or perhaps — a more sinister story designed to mislead. Any woman would have to agree that when someone comes along who is completely and totally smitten with you, showers you with affection and attention like you’ve never experienced in all your life, you start to think that maybe this is the person I am supposed to be with. You want to believe in the fairy tale that he so poetically spins. But beware and heed the lyrics that Taylor Swift so profoundly sings, “I’m not a princess — this ain’t a fairy tale.”
Meeting Prince Charming
Once upon a time, at a workout studio in a quaint suburb, I met Charming, as I’ll refer to him, a handsome, quiet, shy man in great physical shape. For four years, I would see him daily in our workout class. At first he remained in the back of the room and didn’t speak with anyone. Eventually, he made his way to the front of the class where he could be the center of attention among all the women in the room. The class was fun and interactive. Everyone would joke and share stories during the workout. I had been a member of the studio for seven years and had many friends there. As time went on, Charming would make his way over to my side of the room and share his story with me. He would tell me about his hardships as well as make small talk and joke with me. He was divorced and his wife recently remarried. She then moved out of town with their children. He lost his job. His father was seriously ill and eventually died. During the time we worked out together, he led everyone to believe that he was casually seeing someone. He downplayed his five-year relationship with his girlfriend, leading everyone to believe he was available. However, I didn’t learn about the extent of his relationship with her until much later. He was very guarded about his privacy but for some reason wanted to let me in.
I truly believed that we were friends. After all, isn’t that what friends do, share their stories and provide support to each other? I have been married for 25 years and always thought I was happily married, perhaps a little lonely as my husband worked out of town quite often, but wasn’t unhappy. I was actually quite content with my life, that is, until Charming started convincing me otherwise. I knew that he was unemployed and felt sorry for him. My husband and I were doing major renovations in our home and needed some painting done. Knowing he could use the money, we hired him to paint. Little did I know that he came in to my home, saw what we had, and wanted it for himself.
He told me he started dating a new woman who I would like as we were in the same profession. One day my husband and I and three other couples were planning a night out, so I invited him and his girlfriend and some other friends from the studio to join us. After the evening out, he texted me saying that he wasn’t really interested in his date and she wasn’t the one for him. I didn’t think much of it and told him that she was really nice and they seemed natural together. In hindsight, he was laying the foundation for me to believe he was single.
Charming was a lost soul. Every woman he had ever dated did him wrong. Everything in his life was someone else’s fault. His ex-wife cheated on him. His ex-girlfriend of five years wasn’t there for him and her son was behaviorally disordered and disrespected him. He caught his current girlfriend pursuing other men on a dating website while they were together. The other women he dated only wanted him for sex. He wanted a serious relationship and wanted to be married. Women today were only interested in sex. They didn’t want committed relationships. He lost his job because his new boss was incompetent.
More than friendship
I really felt sorry for Charming. I was there for him when he needed to talk, providing positive support encouraging him that he would find someone who would love him forever. Before I really realized what was happening, he started texting me day and night. We continued to text each other, casually talking about our lives and interests and how we had so much in common. Then one fateful evening, I received the text:
Charming: I think we are in trouble — this is more than a friendship — I am attracted to you.
Snow White: There may be an attraction, but I have never and will never cheat on my husband. We can get beyond this and remain friends.
The next day he persisted in his texts. I told him that we needed to talk face to face. I met him and told him in no uncertain terms that I cannot act on this and could not conceive of hurting my husband. I told him that he will find the woman for him. I am 6 years old than him and never in my life did I consider dating a younger man, let alone cheat on my husband. I was confident that the friendship would prevail. Over the next two months, we continued texting. He talked about how we had so much in common. We had both only been in two real relationships our entire life. We both had long-term marriages. We had limited sexual experience. Well that was true of me, definitely not true of him, as I later learned. We had the same interests.
Future wife
He started making comments about my marriage and husband, telling me that if I were truly happily married, I wouldn’t be talking to him. He said he saw how my husband looked at other women. That he believes my husband disrespects me and isn’t there for me. One day when I was sick with a sore throat and drove myself to the doctor’s office, he commented on why my husband didn’t take me. If we were together, he would be there for me.
We were destined to be together. I was his soul mate. He had been around long enough to know that I was to be his FW “future wife,” calling me Mrs. Charming. He would give me everything I need as a couple. It was love, texting LY “Love You.” Saying, “You. Must. Be. With. Me.” On and on it went.
I started to question my marriage. Maybe he was right. I had never felt this type of intense connection. Were we meant to be together? I was starting to believe. At this point I was emotionally hooked. I tried on several occasions to stop talking with him. He would be on the verge of crying when I told him we couldn’t talk. I felt sorry for him and would break down and contact him or he would contact me. He had become my best friend, one by one replacing all others. He would text and call me throughout the day. The bond between my husband and I began to loosen. I became spellbound — blinded and incapable of seeing the signs. Or as I now know, I was love bombed with a force so powerful it rendered me helpless. Yes, ME, a strong, confident, educated woman, overwhelmed and crying every day. How could I be meant to be with someone other than my husband? I immediately sought counseling. It didn’t help.
Pursuit
He relentlessly pursued me for months. It didn’t bother him in the least that I was an emotional wreck. In fact, I believe it empowered him. One evening I was out for a run and I received this text:
Charming: Turn around
Snow White: Why
Charming: I’m parked at the corner. Turn around.
I hopped in his car and told him, “I can’t do this.” A wicked grin appears on his face. It didn’t faze him in the least. He was on a mission and nothing would deter him. I had mistaken his stalking tendencies for romance and love.
I’m not sure how it happened, but one day he turned the tables on me. At this point I believe he realized that I was emotionally hooked and used it to blackmail me. He told me that he had had enough, if I couldn’t be with him, we could no longer talk. I agreed to stop talking with him and met with him to give him a Christmas present I had bought. I actually bought small Christmas ornaments for a few of my closest friends at the studio, including him.
Now physical
The day I met him to end our communications and give him his gift was the beginning of the end. I know I shouldn’t have met him, but I did. When I arrived at his apartment, I handed him the gift, he lifted me off the floor, kissed me, and carried me to his bedroom. The emotional affair was now physical. I could not resist. The experience was one like no other, so intense. What I thought was exclusive to making love with me — the intense eye contact, the hypnotic stare, the slow and passionate way he moved, the transformation of his personality into this highly sensual being — I later realized is how he is with every woman. He would often tell me that every woman he had ever been with said that he was an exceptional lover. And he was. But he used sex as a method of control. He knew that once I had sex with him, I could no longer be married.
Where he previously only controlled me emotionally, he now controlled me physically. I was on an oxytocin high, which further intensified my bond with him. I was so confused and truly believed because I slept with him, I could no longer be married. He started pressuring me to leave my husband and move in with him. He would tell me that he was alone and waiting for me. “Hurry up. I need you. I am all alone. I am waiting for you.” He professed. He emptied his closet and texted me a photo of it, telling me he was ready for me to move in. I began to crumble.
I couldn’t handle the pressure any more. And I could no longer sleep with my husband after sleeping with him. I broke down and told my husband that I could no longer be married to him. He was crushed and didn’t understand. I told him the whole story. He then started pressuring me. Totally confused, I was unraveling at warp speed. Charming was now doing everything in his power to make me jealous and create a sense of urgency for me to move in with him. Reeling with confusion, I finally left my home and stayed with a girlfriend for a few weeks to sort things out.
Read more: 7 reasons not to have sex with a sociopath
While staying with my girlfriend, I spent some time with Charming. But things did not feel right. I really wasn’t ready to leave my marriage and felt that I had been pressured into it. Charming assured me that once I started my new life, I would be fine. He had all the answers. As long as I did what he said and didn’t question him, life would be great. But I couldn’t move from one relationship to another like flipping a switch. I didn’t really notice any red flags with him at this point because I thought that gut feeling I was experiencing was solely because I was dealing with the devastating emotions of leaving my husband and home.
Controlling presence
After three weeks, I realized that Charming had no intention of making our relationship public. Just as he had hidden his relationship of five years from everyone at our workout studio, he planned on hiding his relationship with me. That was the first time I saw a red flag. I told him that I would no longer workout at the studio if he planned on hiding our relationship. Working out with him was no longer fun. I now felt his controlling presence — he was listening to my conversations with others, whispering sexual comments to me during the class, and purposing flirting with other women there to make me jealous.
I was giving up everything in my life, had left my home, was ready to file for divorce, and his life didn’t change at all. He wouldn’t make our relationship public because he didn’t want to be blamed for ending my marriage. He was so concerned about his image, yet he thought nothing of destroying my life. I later surmised that he didn’t want the women at the studio to know we were together because then he would have no chance of hooking up with anyone there.
By the third week, I still had this nagging feeling that something wasn’t right. I attributed these feelings to the demise of my marriage and not with the red flags I was seeing with him. Had I been single, would I have noticed the signs? I believe it is difficult enough for single people to recognize the red flags, but for those of us who are married, being involved with a sociopath only magnifies and clouds the confusion.
Charming was not happy that I was staying with a friend as he wanted me to live with him. He said that he didn’t consider us a couple unless we lived together. I needed to take it slow. By the end of the third week, I met him for pizza. It was there that I saw Mr. Hyde. The man who had professed his love for me, espousing his life plan for me as his future wife, now tells me that he doesn’t think he’ll ever marry again. Not that I had plans for marriage with this man, but the just the fact that he told me he loved me so much and wanted me as his wife led me to believe that he really did love me. His demeanor changed completely. No affection. No kiss good bye. He was a completely different person now that I left my husband. I simply replied that I knew someday I would marry again but it would be long into the future. He was playing head games with me. I should have called him on it right then and there. However, it was then that I realized I needed to go home, pack my belongings, and make plans to make it on my own.
When I returned home I apologized to my husband for ruining our marriage. We started to divide household belongings, and I started to pack. I was preparing to move forward with our divorce. My husband was very upset but really didn’t want a divorce. I was so confused and truly believed that I could no longer be married.
Unprotected sex
I continued to see Charming, but still had that nagging feeling. Is there something missing in his eyes? It’s hard to explain, but there is definitely a void there. He insisted on having unprotected sex, which I refused, but the condom broke. When I asked him if he had had unprotected sex recently, he denied it. He didn’t sound convincing so I pressed him on the issue. He admitted that he had in fact had unprotected sex. I scheduled an appointment for an HIV test. When I told him that I was going to get tested and that he should think about it too, he got really upset and wanted to know when I would get the results. He said he had no intention of getting tested and rushed to hang up the phone.
For the next three days, I didn’t hear from him. Valentine’s Day fell within this period and yet no texts or calls. Now here was a man that was texting or calling me day and night, my supposed soul mate, blah, blah, blah. When I needed him the most, he abandoned me. I thought about ceasing all communications with him then, and the only reason I texted him three days later was to give him the results, which thankfully were negative. His response was short — saying he was working and couldn’t talk. I now believe he was already pursuing his next target by this point, and had to hide my text from her just like he had hidden others’ texts from me.
The next morning he texts me to say hello as if nothing had ever happened. That’s when I told him he abandoned me. That I was freaking out about the results and he totally shut me out. Remember, he’s the man who told me my husband wasn’t there for me when I had to drive myself to the doctor for a routine visit for a sore throat. Ironically, my husband was the one who came with me to get the results and hold my hand while I was freaking out. That’s when I knew I had to get this man out of my life. I told him that I was really confused and needed to follow my counselor’s advice and spend some time alone.
Learning the truth
Two days later I checked his facebook page, and saw a post saying “Enjoy your day with Amy”. You see, he is a maintenance worker for an apartment complex. The complex provides low income housing. I remember him saying, “Now that the complex is subsidized, a lot of single mothers would be moving in.” It didn’t occur to me that this would become his predatory playground — the perfect job for a sociopath. When I saw the post, I texted asking him to please tell me that he was moving on so that we could both get closure. You see, he didn’t want to even give me the closure I needed to move on after all those months of manipulation and emotional abuse. I had everything in the works to build a house and go through with the divorce all because he had me believing that he was the one. He denied that he was seeing anyone, even with the proof in black and white. His last text to me simply stated that he was upset that I hadn’t moved out of my home, even though the divorce proceedings had started, and that I was the one confused. He said that when I figure it out to give him a call. If he doesn’t hear from me, then he knows his answer. He took absolutely no responsibility for his actions.
I had been completely mindf***ed all these months. I was in shock and so confused. I contacted his ex of five years. She graciously called me and spent an hour on the phone confirming all his lies. He cheated on his wife with at least two different women that she knows about. He engaged in threesomes with his wife over two years, saying that it was her idea and that she is bisexual — I’ll never know the truth on that. However the threesomes weren’t enough to keep him happy, as he abandoned his wife for a girl he met at his apartment complex. He left behind his 4-year-old and 12-year-old, and stopped paying the bills. His wife and children were left in the countryside; she had no driver’s license or car. The house went into foreclosure. His wife did not cheat on him. In fact she was so distraught over the break up that she left her wedding dress on the floor in the house when she was forced to move. While he was married, he had a free apartment at the complex he set up for himself without his wife knowing.
He cheated on his girlfriend numerous times, joining a dating website while he was still with her. While he lived with her, he provided no financial support except for buying some groceries occasionally. I even recall him saying that he disliked her son and never bought him one thing, this from a man who essentially lived with her son for five years. She found out that he was cheating on her the day before she was to throw his 40th birthday party. She went ahead with the party, but now regrets it. While in the five-year relationship, she had thought they were trying to conceive a child. When it wasn’t happening, she had him go to the doctor to get checked. The doctor called and said that he had a zero sperm count and that he must have had a vasectomy. He lied when she confronted him, and then eventually confessed. That was the last straw for her, and she broke up with him. While I was with him, be bragged about how he had the vasectomy under her nose. I’m happy to report that this woman is now married, and they are expecting their first child. He learned the passwords to her email account and would monitor her communications, even after they broke up.
Regarding the girl friend who supposedly was still looking for guys on the dating website while she was dating Charming — she actually went online to check up on him. She had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right so she investigated. When she confronted him with the fact that the dating website dates and times all log-ons, he was caught. Of course, he took no responsibility and blames her for the break up.
I now know why, as he confided in me, all his exes were on antidepressants.
The Red Flags
I wish I knew then what I know now. After reading Red Flags of Love Fraud: 10 Signs You’re Dating a Sociopath, I now see clearly that “Prince Charming“ is a sociopath. I was stunned by the clear and precise process outlined in the book, which Charming used to achieve his objective — ME. The 10 signs illustrate that my situation is a textbook example of the strategies these individuals employ when in hot pursuit of their next victim. Fortunately for me, my husband never gave up on me. We have been seeking counseling and are on the road to recovery.
In retrospect, here are the Red Flags I noticed:
- Stalking/pursuit that seemed like romance
- Texting and calling all day long
- Love bombing
- Brilliant at making me feel sorry for him
- Highly sexual and impulsive: threesomes, multiple partners, having sex in cars, in public, in the workplace
- Narcissistic
- Mirrored all my values and interests
- Disregard for my emotions and for the effects on my family
- Showed no emotion except sexually or when angry
- Slowly started alienating me from my workout studio, family, friends
- Lies, lies, lies
- Spoke negatively about ex-wife, made degrading sexual comments about past girlfriends
- Continuously adding women friends to his Facebook page, which looks like a little black book
- Has not one male or female friend; there was absolutely no one in his social circle who could attest to his character
- Gaps in the story — would say he was only in two committed relationships over the last 25 years, then would tell me about other women he dated
- Emotionally blackmailed me into having sex with him
- Thought of himself as Superman, invincible, and immune to diseases
- Believed that every woman wanted him
- Brilliant at emotional control
- Used sex as a method of control
- Had no plans for the future and had a hard time planning one week out
- Said that if given cause, he would have to monitor my texts and emails
- Had various women in different stages — while I was the main target, he would randomly get a text and would dismiss it as some woman from his past he was no longer involved with. He was simply keeping her in a holding pattern while he was pursuing me, rinse and repeat
- Continued to stalk his ex
- Took absolutely no responsibility for his actions
Learn more: Lovefraud Understanding and Recovery 5-part Masterclass
Lovefraud originally posted this story on April 20, 2012.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: The heart thief
G1S,
You said “It struck me as I was reading that we are given many things to look for that serve as warnings, such as the red flags, but I haven’t seen a list that suggests, “This is the real thing.”
Well, I have been confronted with a similar question this week over my “love of my life” who gave me a love declaration this week very unexpectedly after 11 years of breaking up with me. haven”t hoped and expected this commitment issued man would ever see the light for at least about almost 4 years.
Oxy and others here rightfully asked questions about this guy. Heck I’ve been wondering the past two months why I’m so certain he ain’t a spath lovebombing me, and why this countract I had with my soul to love him iuncdontionally rregardless 10.5 years ago, before I ever knew what the red flags of a spath were.
First I’ll sum up a few symptoms of this man which could be considered red flags
a) he’s got a long line of conquests
b) not a good history with comittment, or hasn’t had a relationship that lasted longer than a year as far as I know after me
c) he hasn’t built a stable career, though he’s in his early 40s, except for tourleading which is seasonal work and takes him abroad for a long while
d) he tends to move about…. see c) yourleading in Mexico, Usa, Canada, etc
e) He lied at once to my knowledge: either when he told me he loved me, OR when he denied being in love with me at all and consequently hurt me
Despite those 4 cold arguments I KNOW he ain’t a spath, though he has had at least other issues…
There are 2 things that imo show all the above 4 red flags have nothing to do with being a spath
a) he takes responsibility. Yup, he doesn’t have a stable career, but he blames no one for it, only himself.
b) despites him negating the depth of his feelings, or his previously said words, his actions are all about caring, taking care of a person, and not abandonding them
c) he’s been an inspirator throughout those 11.5 years I’ve known him, never has been a put-downer
I’ll explain what happened 11-12 years ago. We met during a holiday trip in Mexico where he was my tourleader (ooh bad). We were no item at all durng the first week, but the attraction was growng mutually. On the one night out we ended up together and with some shyness and fear from me, we were an item the second week until everybody had left and he dropped me off at the airport of Cancun to leave for Belgium. Once in Belgium, I realized I loved this guy. In other words (I knew the guy 2 weeks tops), and yet I was head over heels with him (oooh another bad). And I told him so. He was surprised but answered he was really fond with me too, and eventually that he loved me too. We had an email long distance relationship for 6 months, while he was traveling through South America for hs own travel pleasure. I grew more and more in love, and when he was fnally back in his homeground (San Diego), after missing him for 6 months, I got a plane ticket to visit him for two weeks.
A sidenote: when I met him I was getting VERY dissatisfied with my career, and I was at a loss what to do with my life careerwise. He inspired me and told me that I had all the talent and social gifts and spirit to be an adventure tourleader myself. I never in my life before heard of such a job at all, and once he told me I realized that it was true…. that I was a leader and that I had social skills to work with people (managing, leading, inspirng, etc)… BUt at the time he was the sole one in my life that made any sense or meaning. (ooh, another bad… my bad though)
Anyway, I visted him. He welcomed me generously, and yet while he gave, he would hold back at the same time. Note, he would act generously, and yet verbally demean his actions at the same time as if they meant nothing, or that at least I shouldn’t make more of hsi actions. This confused me and eventually instilled a fear in me. He was otherwise very honest. He had a one night stand during his 4 months in South America and shared it honestly. I hadn’t been with anyone else in that time, so it did add to the fear that was starting to grow, but he hadn’t committed himself to me at the time. I also learned that of the two weeks being in San Diego, I’d only get to see him for one week. He was scheduled to tourlead in Canada for my second week.
He took me out, he was gentle, caring, and yet by the third morning my fear had grown so much that I voiced it and that’s when it started to blow up in our faces. The moment I shared my fear he pulled back and told me he wasn’t in love with me, and when I asked him to explain that he rationally said “that his words were just words and I made more out of it than it could rationally be.” (so initially he kinda blamed me for being too much in love with him)
Now if he were a spath he’d have gotten rid of me then and there. But that’s not what he did at all. He introduced me to his brother, his mother, his stepfather, his father and his stepmother irregardless. He kept taking me on outings, drive me anywhere I wanted. Though I kept the falling apart of myself under wraps, never showed it outwardly (I told myself to be strong), he could have felt it on a subconscious level. It gave him NO pleasure. On the one hand he grew more distanced emotionally, and yet at the same time more concerned about my well being. In every respect he acted as if he felt horribly guilty for hurting me in a way he had not conceived (he never expected me to be as smitten as I was) and eager to please any need of me. Heck, he even made sure to look for a good address for the second week for me to stay: plenty of people to surround and distract me, a safe place. AND he urged his brother to at least go do something with me once in the second week when he was gone to Canada already and get me safely back to my plane home. And even at the last but one final night he revealed to me that he had been contemplating whether he had made the right decision and thought he had, he still made sure he and his family would entertain me before dropping me off personally at this “safe address”. He was totally emotionally drained when he did drop me off.
Now remember the spath you were involved with G1S? Could you ever imagine him going through painstaking care and trouble to make sure you would be alright after he broke-up with you, to his own inconvenience? A spath wouldn’t do that at all. And this man had NO enjoyment at all in witnessing me breaking down in front of his eyes. He was emotionally drained from the weight of (at that time) hidden guilt from it.
When I was in a crisis, in the aftermath, in the months following, as my head fought with my heart… my mind reasons to believe his words over his actions, whereas my heart told me to believe his actions over his words. Eventually I chose to believe his actions over his words of denial of loving me back. In those 11.5 years his actions have ALWAYS proved his denial in words to be wrong.
Again a sidenote: half a year after the break up he took ALL blame upon himself for my hurt. He apologized totally and completely.
We met again in London 2 years AFTER first meeting each other. We were together for a whole weekend, sleeping in the same bed, same room. It had originally been the “plan” to include sex. It never happened. He said he had met someone before going to Europe and at the time wasn’t committed yet, but now that he was going back to CA, he felt he should be fateful to the woman. I’m utterly concvinced he also refrained from having an y sex with me for my own benefit. I had agreed to meet him, thinking I’d finally see why we hadn’t worked out. But I saw nothing of the sort. Within 5 mins we were talking as if we had last saw each other the day before. When it came to connecting, there had been no separation at all; not for me, and admittedly not for him either (he actually swore that he believed it to be a max of 6 months between last seeing each other, ad yet it was 1.5 year).
Would a spath have held his hands and his libido to himself those two nights? No way!
A month later, after London, I ended up in San Diego rather unwllingly. I wanted to go NC finally, since it was clear I’d never get over him at all. He and our connection stll had everything I held dear. But it was the sole cheap ticket I could find at such a short notice fr Christmass. I refused to call him for several days, and planned to rent a car and travel Baja California. But I was stuck for much longer in San Diego than planned. Everything went wrong and I was stuck. So, eventually I called his mother who gave me his phone number and we met over a lunch beverage at the pier. I confessed how London had done NOTHING to feel any less for him, and though there were some signs the gf was not all he had hoped and believed her to be, he “told” me that he was not in love with me.
And yet, when he learned about my plans to drive down Baja California all the way down to Cabo San Lucas all by myself, he switched from a guy who claimed never to have had enough feelings to “be in love with me”, gave me every practical advice he could think of to keep me safe: 10 $ in my pocket to bribe the police if I was stopped; a rosary with cross at my rearview mirror to pretend I was a Catholic; wearing a ring around my finger and pretend I was engaged or married; several liters of water to either cool down an overheated car or satsify my thirst if I ever got stuck in the desert; I had to promise him not to drive in Baja after sunset otherwise I risked hitting a cow or bull attracted to the heat of the tarmac; and I had to promise to call him once I arrived safely back in San Diego from my drive into Mexican backcountry.
Again, think of the spath you were involved with, during the devaluating and discarding phase? Would he ever have given you such particular advice? I know my ex-spath wouldn’t have cared a wits about my safety once he ditched me.
I can go on and on and on… I can’t remember how many times he begged me to quit smoking in the course of those 11 years.
Though he was a coward for such a long time by retracting the words that he loved me, his actions always proved that he deeply cared for me.
The same warning for spaths counts for non-spaths with issues: ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS, but in the reverse…with non-spaths who have empathy and a conscious their actions betray how much they really care and feel responsible, even though it would be the last they’d admit.
Hi Callmeathena,
I’m so sorry you too had to go through the same hellish experience. I think the hardest part of all of this is realizing the whole relationship was based on control, winning, and their addiction to sex. He loved that he had control of me and slowly conditioned me to do what he wanted. They are so convincing that your whole frame of mind changes…..eventually your husband become the enemy, the stranger….and the path who is actually your tormentor becomes your confidant and savior. It’s really pretty messed up. He’s causing all the pain and turmoil in your life, yet you seek him for comfort????
My husband and I went to a marriage counselor. Initially, her purpose was to help us get through the divorce. By the next time we met with her, we both decided that we wanted to try and make it work. For about 4 weeks after no contact, I was still confused. Then I started reading. The Love Fraud book precising explains all Charming’s characteristics and manipulations. Psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com and this site helped me so much. I also read Sandra Brown’s book, Women Who Love Psychopaths. Another book I read was: Women’s Infidelity: Limbo and Part II Breaking out of Limbo. It really helped me understand what I was going through. Of course, as you can tell by reading my posts, this was not a typical affair. I definitely was targeted and pursued for months and months before it ever got physical.
Now I don’t want to mislead anyone….I take full responsibility for my actions. But as my counselors told both of us, our marriage was in trouble, or I would have never allowed this to happen. But it does take two…..I won’t go into all of my marital issues, but it does take two people to have a happy or unhappy marriage. The fault lies with both of us…..unfortunately, I was the one to act on it. Had Prince Charming not been a path and not been extremely predatory…..this would have never happened. Trust me, I have been with my husband for 27+ years and never conceived of being with anyone else!
I think first you have to come to terms with who this guy is and understand what he did to you. Every time you have doubts about the honeymoon or idealization phase with him, go online and read this site and the psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com site. Whenever I feel weak, I re-read these posts, and it puts it back into perspective.
I have to admit, it was very hard being intimate with my husband again. My counselor told me that I have to try and grieve the loss of Charming simultaneously while starting to rebuild things with my husband. They told me that we will know within six months of counseling whether our marriage will work or not. All I can say is I’m trying. I’m educating myself and talking with people like you who have helped me so much. I had planned a carribean vacation long before this all happened. I never expected us to be together let alone take the trip, but we did. Getting away really helped.
I found a woman who went through the exact same thing I went through although with a very different ending. Her blog in also on wordpress. Here is the address http://brilliantdisguisedotme.wordpress.com/about/ This woman’s story in incredible and she is so amazing. For all she has gone through, she still maintains her sense of humor and is picking up the pieces of her life and moving on. I’ll love to hear feedback from you after you read her site.
I am also a realist….or always thought I was. I am owning the fact that I did this, and now I am dealing with the aftermath. If my marriage cannot be saved, I will not die. I will do what I have to to live a happy life. But for now, I am giving it my best shot. At least I know that if my marriage ends, I gave it my best effort and I won’t be leaving because someone else told me to do it.
I hope I have helped you.
Snow
No, Darwinsmom, my son’s P father would never do what you described. He has never cared one iota for anybody else unless it made him look good and once his image was no longer being enhanced, he didn’t need to go on with the playacting. He can coldly drop people without blinking. I’ve seen him. He just walks away as if they never existed.
I know somebody who has severe commitment issues who can act as you described. He lives in Norway and re-connected with me via the Internet. We chat online and some days it feels like old times, but in old times, he was never there for me emotionally either. Ultimately, the relationship will go nowhere due to his fear of commitment.
I could keep up a relationship of emotional distance with him until one of us died because for him, that was as good as it gets. On his level, he was satisfied. He knows he can’t offer anything more. He has been honest about that. For me, I felt very shortchanged. I am not going to work at this relationship because it is wasted energy.
I have a history of emotionally unavailable men. It’s torn me apart inside. I don’t want emotional unavailability. I want to be connected with someone on a deeper level.
Some days I am genuinely amazed by the depth of my loneliness.
Alivetoday, Thanks. I found that I would have to take 17 classes and do an internship for a masters in mental health. I think I can knock it off leisurely in three year.
I agree with you on all the reading……It really does educate us on this disorder.
Hope everything is going better for you.
Snow
Snow,
You reminded me of something. I read that who cheats in a marriage is due more to whom an opportunity presents itself first.
If people cheat in a marriage, and this could be wrong, but it was part of the above theory, they cheat because the marriage was already in trouble.
Perhaps the reasoning behind that is if the marriage were happy and functioning in a healthy manner, neither spouses’ eye would have turned to somebody else.
Don’t know. I do know that when my ex-husband and I went for marriage counseling, the woman liked me and not him. She told me to dump him. She didn’t even bother to try to help us. Obviously, our marriage had hit a pretty bad spot for us to seek marriage counseling, but we have both wondered how things might have worked out if we had found a counselor who was willing to put in some effort.
What am I saying? We were both so screwed up back then. It never would have worked.
That’s really funny that the counselor didn’t like him. I think that says a lot! I can’t get a read on our counselor. It is really embarrassing though. She must think we are really screwed up. I have never been in counseling before this and it’s really hard putting it all out there in front of a stranger face to face. I much prefer blogging, but counseling has helped.
If you think about it more than 50% of all marriages fail….no one said it was going to be easy. But it doesn’t mean you should stay in marriage if you are not happy.
I hope you are in a happy place now.
Snow
Snow,
this really stuck out for me:’ It didn’t bother him in the least that I was an emotional wreck. In fact, I believe it empowered him.’ yes. yes. and yes!
one thing you missed from your list of flags was ‘projection’. everything he accused others of, HE did. I believe they do this to test our reactions – to see what we will ‘allow’ of their bad behaviour. They push the boundaries continually, taking us down the rabbit hole.
We have to take responsibility for what we wrapped ourselves up in, as it is part of of our healing and unweaving the fairytale that we were living out. That said, there is a line from an Adele song that I like very much: ‘yes, I swam in muddy waters, but you pushed me in.’
thanks for sharing your story.
Snow,
It is going better…Good people are coming into my life and I am being blessed so much. Now when I am applauded or complimented on something, such as hearing that I am smart, I totally receive it…I dont shy away from compliments or disbelieve them..I hear them and now I am hearing them from my husband.
He has a list of issues and I have been told by many people and a lot of them were strangers, that I am a Saint…He has made having a relationship very challenging and I guess in 20 years, one gets weaker and stronger at different times…..He is my second husband who came from a core mindset of “make money”,it consumes him 24 hours a day…every conversation is about businesses…sometimes the dogs and that is what gave us a family connection, the dogs (he has ADHD and goes on highs and lows and will not seek help for same). he tried to cover the loss of the relationship with buying “stuff” and acts of good deeds to replace the emotional, sexual, physical intimacy. I grew up from an Italian background and we were very passionate and touchy..he never held me, kissed me but he lived for me and after i cheated, it was almost like he was the Martyr for staying ,….but i know he needs me and the changes I have made can only lead him to changes,,,hopefully for the better…My first husband of 10 years was from the middle east and he was a narcissit and i did my all to be the most abiding wife to be part of him and his culture…until the physical abuse entered in…
Today I feel stronger and clearer about making decisions that are in my best interest. This feeling gives me a sense of indivduality and that I have a place that counts in this world..I now believe…..After the heavy hands, threats of being disowned and rejection combined with adoration and love when necessary from my mother, I had no idea what to think..the inconsistencies brought only fear…never knowing what to expect…I thought I was strong enough to handle whatever rage the path projected on to me as I was my mothers escapegoat for her reason to drink or rage or physically abuse so she could get release from her pain. My mother projected so much of her selfhate on to me..I had no idea what a damaged adult life that this was causing…all I know now, is that i want to live a good life, my life with love and peace with guidance from God and choose right rather than what I know would be wrong…choose safe people to be around…I finally chose to not feel responsible for someone elses feeling and if they rejected me, i was going to grit my teeth throw it but by God, I was going to stay away from bad energy…I did it..and i felt like it was my right to..i breathe myself back into the present moment..I do that alot..
Please forgive my choppy and no transition sentences and jumping from so many different topics…
Snow, thank you for your kindness and your acknowledgments. I appreciate you. Peace to your Soul:)
Our divorce was FINALIZED in 1980. Our marriage is ancient history.
We were both very young. He is 5 1/2 years younger than I am so he was very immature as well.
hi all,
my apologies for my english, english is not my first language.
I am a 35 years old from Belgium.
i have a question concerning trust and new relationship. I have dated and worked with an con-artist for 4 years.
He robbed me of the money, company and private assets, private house..my company is in liquidation..it’s been 2 years ago, since than there is a low suit running..
At this moment, I am entering a new relationship with a man who is warm, helpful, protective..
It seems that that person know exactly what my needs are,he makes me feel comfortable and loved..yet I have a huge problems to trust him…What If…is my daily question.
If I see a movement, a gesture or I hear a phrase that reminds me of my ex, I begin to link these 2 people and I start to panic…I’d rather escape. I am very unstable right now. my boyfriend is very patient yet i don’t want to hurt him. He wants to wait and give me time I need.. I want this relationship to work very much. What should I do ? Are my feelings normal?