UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as “Trista.” We previously posted her story, “LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I was dismissed with a shrug.” Well, Trista’s story continues.
I have written to you long ago telling how my S husband destroyed my life. I would never think that I would meet another one, even worst than the first. I wonder why I attract those people.
This is a sad story that is still now breaking my heart. I’m giving this to you and to the site.
I’m writing from Brazil, where I moved after my divorce. The very first week here I was looking for a flat and someone told me about an estate agent who could help. I went to meet him one evening in March and I met a tall, charming guy of 58 who immediately seemed more interested in me as a woman than as a client. I should have seen some red flags when he became unprofessional with me and said I had a nice body. He then invited me for a meal that evening and I went.
We had a nice time, but he was talking sex very quickly. He grabbed both my hands on the table and I took my hands away. He was Mr. Charm, though, and I laughed a lot with him, even though he was quickly asking me intimate questions that I felt uncomfortable with. Leaving the restaurant, he asked me if I would go to a motel with him and of course I said no and planned not to see him again. I should have done so, but next morning he sent me a lovely kind email saying how much he had liked talking to me, and i replied that he should go a bit slowly with me! He agreed and disappeared for a while, but we resumed writing emails very soon.
He asked if I would pay
Through emails we started getting to know each other better, he was lonely, having lost his third relationship (Red flags!!!!!) and I was lonely having lost my husband through divorce. He wrote and wrote, absolutely lovely emails, we started sharing our lives. I asked why we couldn’t meet properly, he had lots of reasons, and we did not meet again till April.
Read more: 5 reasons why we fall for a con artist
When we met again he was depressed about the end of his relationship and about money. He told me he was absolutely squint (red flags!!!!!). We ended up having a row and left thinking we would not see each other again. I even deleted his phone number from my mobile. However, next day he wrote the biggest email ever, telling me his whole life and we started writing to each other again.
He then asked me if I would pay for a meal for us, since he couldn’t. We could meet again. I agreed. We had a good time and started getting to know each other.
From then on, we started going out together on a regular basis. He took me to the bus station when I had to go away on business, waiting till I left looking into my eyes. We had our regular pizza place, we went to many posh restaurants, and I paid it all. I wanted to be with him and his sad story was touching my heart.
In June we went to another state (Minas Gerais, in the middle of Brazil). He had business there and took me with him. We rented a car and I paid for it. We stopped for food along the way, 5 hours travelling, and I paid for it. I paid the petrol. The trip was wonderful, a lovely place, sunny days, amazing connection between him and me. I was falling in love fast. During this trip we made love for the first time. That was out of this world. He was kind, considerate of me, a lovely man in every aspect.
I was his angel
Another month went by. We saw each other nearly every day. He used to phone 3 or 4 times a day and even in the middle of the night to hear my voice. He asked me not to see other men, still wrote emails saying how wonderful I was, how much he liked me, how I was his angel, how I was this and that, he had only compliments and beautiful things to say. Soon he asked me to be his girlfriend and even ask to meet my adult son and told him we had a relationship. We would go to bed about three times a week and to be in his arms were the best times of my life.
He said he was ‘my husband’ and I was ‘his wife,’ he said he would give me lots of love and care and that our relationship was made in heaven. I believed it all and still paid everything, also bought him needed things like pairs of shoes, trousers, a shirt, mended two jackets, etc. He also started asking me for money to help day to day, since he was not making ends meet, and I started lending him money in a regular basis. He said he was taking note of it all and would pay back when possible.
We went back to Minas for a second trip. That was even better than the first, since now we were a couple and obviously in love. A problem he had was not holding hands in public and not kissing. I tried to ask him why he could not do these things and he said that they were ’emotional’ and he never did then. (RED big flags !!!!). I suffered a lot about that, sometimes he did hold my hand but it was very quick and he would even take his hand away. One day I held his hand in the underground station and he told me very coldly that he would end the relationship if I did that again. (Oh, the flags were really coming by now.)
Started to pick fights
About this time, things started to change. He started to pick fights for nothing. He started to show a side I did not know, flying into rages for next to nothing and very frequently. The rages were huge affairs and very frightening. I never knew what could trigger then off and started to ‘walk on eggs’ near him. Once in a restaurant he thought the food was bad and wanted to ask for the money back. I asked if I could go and ask, because I knew how he would do it and he said yes, I could go. When I did not get the money back he flew into a horrendous rage against me, asking me to shut up, making me cry in the restaurant, using swear words against me for no reason more than I could not get the money back (and I was paying it all).
Next day he did not know why I was still sad.
We had some episodes of those rages and they were frightening. I realized that he was a liar as well, having told me fibs for no reason. Once he told me that his brother’s girlfriend was a teacher and that his brother was going to finish the relationship with her because of her temper, however when later I mentioned it he denied ever having said that and even said I needed to see a shrink. I think he made that up completely and forgot about it.
He also made me think that the wrong person was me and that I was spoiling the relationship. He had a cunning way to blame me for everything that went wrong with us. His anger attacks were more and more frequent, for trivialities, often I was left wondering what could have provoked the last attack. He also could not deal with frustration and became very depressed. He would say that he did not fight, he only answered to my provocation, that I had a terrible temper. However, he was the one flying off the handle for nothing, and forgetting it all next morning.
Getting bored
I noticed that he became easily bored with things, even my conversation, places, etc.
We had started talking about moving in together before things went pear shaped, and we were planning the flat, he was promising me to do all the fittings himself and we were imagining a life together. He even said that we would live together the rest of our lives. We bought things thinking on our life as a couple and in his good moments I could well imagine how wonderful it could be, if only he could hold his horrendous rages.
One Sunday he went to see his daughter for her birthday and when I tried to phone him, his phone was off. His phone was off the whole day and some of the next. When I finally reached him he said he had had a bad day and was depressed.
Finished the relationship
Next day, out of the blue, HE FINISHED OUR RELATIONSHIP.
He screamed down the phone that he was NOT my boyfriend and much less my husband, when confronted why he asked me to be his girlfriend then he DENIED ever having said that. He also denied everything else he said and said he must have been drunk. He said he was only my friend, not my boyfriend. So I said to him that he have used me as a friend with benefits, and abused me verbally, took my money and my heart. He continued denying ever having had anything with me.
I asked him to tell me all that in person, he came to meet me in a park, two hours late, with a face like a wall, trying to push me away, not wanting even to sit a minute to discuss things.
He then sent me a lovely email saying how wonderful I was, followed by a horrendous hurtful email telling me how bad I am and ten minutes later another email saying he really likes me and I’m a marvelous person, please oh please be his friend.
Next day he phoned me to say he had ANOTHER WOMAN. She was near him and he said he liked her, for her to listen, but later wrote me an email to say she was only a TEST for him. So, he is still using people. I feel cheated, abused and used and was left brokenhearted, without much explanation, only he was probably bored and found another woman.
Talking about that, I should have seen the red flags as well before, as he told me of one night stands he had had. He is also highly sexual, another red flag. His commitment to me meant nothing to him, less than nothing, as he does not even remember the things he said. He had also no empathy for me, for my suffering for him, as I really loved him, and wrote emails telling me how his new relationship was ‘all right.’
I’m also without the money he left from me, a huge amount.
I have contacted his daughter to know if he does these things often and all she answered me was that she has nothing much to do with him and she has her reasons.
Dreams are dead
I’m now suffering so much that I hardly can live. All my dreams of having him are dead and he is not even bothering. He told me to go dancing to forget him!!!!!
So, I’m another woman who saw the S a bit too late. All the signs were there—the lack of feeling, the lack of emotion, the lack of tenderness, like holding hands, the blame I got for everything, he was never guilty, the horrendous rages out of the blue for nothing, the lack of empathy, no sense of commitment even after a full sexual relationship (He said it was ‘functional’), the erratic lifestyle, no money, changing jobs and houses, changing relationships (I was number 4), living off his brother, using my money for EVERYTHING, telling silly unnecessary lies, incapacity for love and attachment, ingratitude for all I did for him, practically maintaining him for a year, his mood shifts, his lack of responsibility for his actions, even denying they ever happened, treating people like tools for money and sex, easily provoked, one night stands, trying to make me feel that I was the crazy one when he told a lie and did not remember it, thinking that i was provoking him to anger when he was the angry one all the time, not honouring formal or informal commitment to a woman who truly loved him.
Please use my story to warn others. They are everywhere and they inflict serious damage in other people’s lives.
Learn more: How to report your abuser’s crimes to the police take you seriously
Lovefraud originally posted this letter on March 11, 2011.
5 Reasons why the sociopath’s behavior in your relationship makes no sense
Yeah, labelling Armstrong a psychopath is a stretch. Drug testing in cycling is a very difficult thing for most people to understand. One possible positive result out of the thousands of tests that have been conducted on this man is no indicator of drug use.
I am better.
I keep your mantra in my head..”NO contact.”
The other day, he came to my work place, wanted to talk, said he would do anything to make it work, one more chance, etc.
I told him firmly that it was over and that I desired no further contact. None. I had never been that decisive with him before.
He stepped up his efforts….calling, texting, coming to my work place. Pleading.
I did not respond.
I wanted to. My mind played games with me…focusing on the pain in his voice, the need I sensed, the fun times we had, the beauty of his body.
Until I considered that that same body had lain naked in my bed with another woman from the neighborhood. That his sexual compulsion knows no boundaries, and it is disrespectful to me.
That he will continue to use crack.
And that his concern is only in meeting his own needs, never any true concern for mine.
And that if I was ever alone with him again and he got angry, it is very likely that he would kill me.
Honestly, having your mantr in my head made all the difference. I kept softening my heart, ratinonalizing reasons to answer his call.
But I recited, “NO contact” over and over and over.
And that directed my behavior in a way that I could not on my own.
So thank you.
In many ways, Ox, you may well have saved a life today.
Trimama,
Good going girlfriend! You deserve a pat on the back and a high five!!!
I compare their pleading to a sirens song, it’s beautiful until you crash into the rocks. Seduction is the name of their game and sometimes we wish for the words to have meaning, but they don’t. So glad you could see through all the seduction, trying to get you sucked back in. Doesn’t it feel good to be strong in an assertive way?
Yesterday spath came over to get info for taxes and gave me the puppy dog eyes and said he missed me a few times and some lines about how I could stop the divorce because we should be together. Siren song.
What’s up with these people? Now that we’re on to them, they sound like they read from the same play book. They just don’t give up and they don’t get it.
Trimama,
I should be in bed but I had to respond to your post. I’m worried about you. Your spath sounds dangerous and it is at this stage that they get crazy when you stop responding to him. It has to be done very carefully. VERY VERY VERY CAREFULLY. He wants to know that he can still control you. If he can’t he may go into a rage, as mine did. You wouldn’t believe the hoops he jumped through to get me to respond the way he wanted. I would still talk to him on the phone but he needed to know that I would come when called, like a dog. I didn’t, so he had the crazy-husband-stealing-neigbor call the cops on me twice in one day. Then he called the suicide prevention line to get cops to come to my parents’ house.
Yes, I was purposely tormenting him by alternating NC and then contact at my choosing, because by that time I knew that his only goal was (and had always been) to hear me say, “how high?” when he said, “jump”.
At that time, I understood how painful their fear of abandonment is and I turned the tables on him to make him jump when I called/emailed him. They say that a little knowledge can be dangerous and it was. I was playing with fire because I had learned ONE trick: their fear of abandonment is TERRIFYING TO THEM.
My spath was not dangerous like yours is – he is different because he will take 20 years to plot and execute his revenge. Yours is more impulsive and could become violent.
So, what I want to emphasize with your spath is that you must make HIM think that HE is the one getting bored of YOU. That is why you have to be boring to him. Make yourself ugly, boring, pathetic… whatever it takes to make him lose interest, but don’t show any spine. If he asks for money, tell him you don’t have any. Don’t tell him “no”, because he cheated on you. Tell him you are having to pay for major car expenses or you have huge doctor bills because you are seeing a doc for depression. Or your rent was increased, or some other hardluck story to make yourself just a worthless person who isn’t good supply at all. During that time, show no emotion. Tell him you are numb because you are taking prozac – or something. Act like a zombie. Practice in front of a mirror. I’m not kidding. It’s your emotions he wants because to him, they are proof of his power to be the grand puppet master.
Trimama, it is at this time that you have to look at yourself and find out what he found attractive about you, then hide it.
I can already tell that you are a self-assured woman, who takes care of herself (you exercise) and your responsibilities (you work). I bet you dress very nicely too. (I used to) When you see him, you have to look frumpy and boring, hide your figure and don’t wear makeup.
Be careful, trimama, I’m sending protective thoughts to you.
(((hugs)))
Remember this: ALL OF THEIR SELF ESTEEM IS BASED ON THEIR BELIEF THAT THEY ARE PUPPET MASTERS.
Trimama,
NO CONTACT!!!! NONE! ZIP! ZERO!!! NADA!!!!! Good for you, and you DO DESERVE A BIG PAT ON THE BACK!!!!!
I know how difficult it is not to fall for the con game they pull, and when they think they are losiing control of you they pull out all the stops….the “PITY ME……EEEEE Oh, pity poooooor me” and the “Oh, I have changeeeeeeed” or the “I love you, you are my soul mate” it is nothing but BAIT to lure you in, just like a fisherman puts a fat juicy worm on a hook—A HOOK that he will use to reel in the poor fish before he kills it.
That crack using drug addicted ex-convict without any money or a place to stay is ATTRACTIVE HOW? You want him WHY? He can offer you WHAT?
The sex was wonderful? Well, okay, so he is having sex with the old neighbor and sex with the young hot chick and who the hell knows who else and he’s likely to give you WHAT SEXUALLY TRANSMITTED DISEASES….? (BTW I suggest you go to the STD clinic and get tested, even if you used condoms with him because they will not protect against everything.)
Good for picturing his “beautiful body” lying next to the neighbor lady….and she may have been a lonely old woman, but you know, she isn’t your friend either or she wouldn’t have done that.
Get away from these people, all of them, if you can…..start your life clean and FREE OF this kind of person…people who jump into bed with the first person who is interested, people who do drugs, people who have criminal records, people who are dishonest….free yourself not only of this man but ALL THAT HE REPRESENTS in the way of dishonesty and MEANNESS.
Not only save your literal LIFE, but make your life a GOOD LIFE, a MEANINGFUL LIFE with GOOD PEOPLE in it, honest and kind people. You deserve much better than someone who is a PIECE OF SHEET FLOATING IN A SEWER.
My prayers for your safety and happiness, trimama! (((hugs)))
trimama, I wish I had been able to read Oxy’s advice about 20 years ago,
I would have had a different life now.
Congrats on telling him no!!! I am proud of you.
I know it’s hard, but now you are building your strength.
You DO deserve someone wonderful !!!!! xoxoxo
Dear Chic,
I wish Oxy had known about that advice 20-30-40 years ago, she would have done a lot better then too! LOL ROTFLMAO
Oxy, Yeah!!! LOL !!
xoxoxoxo
Much sincere thanks to all of you.
I hear—and heed—the concern.
I had not considered all of what I am reading here and am so thankful for your insight.
Yes, this man is impulsive, and spiteful.
I am thankful that he is also easily distracted, so though he may want to keep up his efforts to pull me back in, if a nice piece of ass walked by, he would be gone and on to another pursuit. And then there is also the need for crack, that further distracts and disables him from carrying out retribution.
Thank god.
Is safety an issue? Absolutely.
But fling a restraining order would only incite him. He would see it as a challenge to his territory and devise means to get around it. And we all know how easily that is achieved. I would be dead long before anyone could intervene.
Staying under his radar is the way to go…don’t come to his attention, as Skylar advises.
What was attractive about him, Ox? He is handsome and charming, with a beautiful body and a seductive baritone voice. But he is also very attentive in a way I had not experienced with other men. What I did not see is that he was reflecting me back to me. And I like me, so I found that nurturing….because I am nurturing.
And he was fun to be with….whatever activity we chose to do was filled with laughter and affection and fun.
I did not balance those experiences with the other, far more dark aspects of our relationship.
There was little if anything of value about US (as he says) and too much danger and unhealthiness.
I hear what you all are saying. I am getting stronger here, largely because of what I learn from you.
Dear Trimama,
Good for you! It is important that you look to yourself to find what you want and provide it for yourself without falling for the “brass ring” that he holds out—-it is FAKE, it will turn green in your hand. It is not the real thing. We must not fall for the phony stuff they hold out as glittering jewels, it is all fake, and POISON.
It is like the apple held out to Snow White, it is beautiful but filled with poison. Only in this case, there is no way that a “prince” will find you to kiss you awake from the poison. The poison that they hold out actually kills you—physically or emotionally or all of the above.
You deserve something good in life—find it and hang on to it. Start with yourself. Love yourself. Do good things for you. Take care of yourself FIRST. You deserve the BEST!