UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as “Trista.” We previously posted her story, “LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I was dismissed with a shrug.” Well, Trista’s story continues.
I have written to you long ago telling how my S husband destroyed my life. I would never think that I would meet another one, even worst than the first. I wonder why I attract those people.
This is a sad story that is still now breaking my heart. I’m giving this to you and to the site.
I’m writing from Brazil, where I moved after my divorce. The very first week here I was looking for a flat and someone told me about an estate agent who could help. I went to meet him one evening in March and I met a tall, charming guy of 58 who immediately seemed more interested in me as a woman than as a client. I should have seen some red flags when he became unprofessional with me and said I had a nice body. He then invited me for a meal that evening and I went.
We had a nice time, but he was talking sex very quickly. He grabbed both my hands on the table and I took my hands away. He was Mr. Charm, though, and I laughed a lot with him, even though he was quickly asking me intimate questions that I felt uncomfortable with. Leaving the restaurant, he asked me if I would go to a motel with him and of course I said no and planned not to see him again. I should have done so, but next morning he sent me a lovely kind email saying how much he had liked talking to me, and i replied that he should go a bit slowly with me! He agreed and disappeared for a while, but we resumed writing emails very soon.
He asked if I would pay
Through emails we started getting to know each other better, he was lonely, having lost his third relationship (Red flags!!!!!) and I was lonely having lost my husband through divorce. He wrote and wrote, absolutely lovely emails, we started sharing our lives. I asked why we couldn’t meet properly, he had lots of reasons, and we did not meet again till April.
Read more: 5 reasons why we fall for a con artist
When we met again he was depressed about the end of his relationship and about money. He told me he was absolutely squint (red flags!!!!!). We ended up having a row and left thinking we would not see each other again. I even deleted his phone number from my mobile. However, next day he wrote the biggest email ever, telling me his whole life and we started writing to each other again.
He then asked me if I would pay for a meal for us, since he couldn’t. We could meet again. I agreed. We had a good time and started getting to know each other.
From then on, we started going out together on a regular basis. He took me to the bus station when I had to go away on business, waiting till I left looking into my eyes. We had our regular pizza place, we went to many posh restaurants, and I paid it all. I wanted to be with him and his sad story was touching my heart.
In June we went to another state (Minas Gerais, in the middle of Brazil). He had business there and took me with him. We rented a car and I paid for it. We stopped for food along the way, 5 hours travelling, and I paid for it. I paid the petrol. The trip was wonderful, a lovely place, sunny days, amazing connection between him and me. I was falling in love fast. During this trip we made love for the first time. That was out of this world. He was kind, considerate of me, a lovely man in every aspect.
I was his angel
Another month went by. We saw each other nearly every day. He used to phone 3 or 4 times a day and even in the middle of the night to hear my voice. He asked me not to see other men, still wrote emails saying how wonderful I was, how much he liked me, how I was his angel, how I was this and that, he had only compliments and beautiful things to say. Soon he asked me to be his girlfriend and even ask to meet my adult son and told him we had a relationship. We would go to bed about three times a week and to be in his arms were the best times of my life.
He said he was ‘my husband’ and I was ‘his wife,’ he said he would give me lots of love and care and that our relationship was made in heaven. I believed it all and still paid everything, also bought him needed things like pairs of shoes, trousers, a shirt, mended two jackets, etc. He also started asking me for money to help day to day, since he was not making ends meet, and I started lending him money in a regular basis. He said he was taking note of it all and would pay back when possible.
We went back to Minas for a second trip. That was even better than the first, since now we were a couple and obviously in love. A problem he had was not holding hands in public and not kissing. I tried to ask him why he could not do these things and he said that they were ’emotional’ and he never did then. (RED big flags !!!!). I suffered a lot about that, sometimes he did hold my hand but it was very quick and he would even take his hand away. One day I held his hand in the underground station and he told me very coldly that he would end the relationship if I did that again. (Oh, the flags were really coming by now.)
Started to pick fights
About this time, things started to change. He started to pick fights for nothing. He started to show a side I did not know, flying into rages for next to nothing and very frequently. The rages were huge affairs and very frightening. I never knew what could trigger then off and started to ‘walk on eggs’ near him. Once in a restaurant he thought the food was bad and wanted to ask for the money back. I asked if I could go and ask, because I knew how he would do it and he said yes, I could go. When I did not get the money back he flew into a horrendous rage against me, asking me to shut up, making me cry in the restaurant, using swear words against me for no reason more than I could not get the money back (and I was paying it all).
Next day he did not know why I was still sad.
We had some episodes of those rages and they were frightening. I realized that he was a liar as well, having told me fibs for no reason. Once he told me that his brother’s girlfriend was a teacher and that his brother was going to finish the relationship with her because of her temper, however when later I mentioned it he denied ever having said that and even said I needed to see a shrink. I think he made that up completely and forgot about it.
He also made me think that the wrong person was me and that I was spoiling the relationship. He had a cunning way to blame me for everything that went wrong with us. His anger attacks were more and more frequent, for trivialities, often I was left wondering what could have provoked the last attack. He also could not deal with frustration and became very depressed. He would say that he did not fight, he only answered to my provocation, that I had a terrible temper. However, he was the one flying off the handle for nothing, and forgetting it all next morning.
Getting bored
I noticed that he became easily bored with things, even my conversation, places, etc.
We had started talking about moving in together before things went pear shaped, and we were planning the flat, he was promising me to do all the fittings himself and we were imagining a life together. He even said that we would live together the rest of our lives. We bought things thinking on our life as a couple and in his good moments I could well imagine how wonderful it could be, if only he could hold his horrendous rages.
One Sunday he went to see his daughter for her birthday and when I tried to phone him, his phone was off. His phone was off the whole day and some of the next. When I finally reached him he said he had had a bad day and was depressed.
Finished the relationship
Next day, out of the blue, HE FINISHED OUR RELATIONSHIP.
He screamed down the phone that he was NOT my boyfriend and much less my husband, when confronted why he asked me to be his girlfriend then he DENIED ever having said that. He also denied everything else he said and said he must have been drunk. He said he was only my friend, not my boyfriend. So I said to him that he have used me as a friend with benefits, and abused me verbally, took my money and my heart. He continued denying ever having had anything with me.
I asked him to tell me all that in person, he came to meet me in a park, two hours late, with a face like a wall, trying to push me away, not wanting even to sit a minute to discuss things.
He then sent me a lovely email saying how wonderful I was, followed by a horrendous hurtful email telling me how bad I am and ten minutes later another email saying he really likes me and I’m a marvelous person, please oh please be his friend.
Next day he phoned me to say he had ANOTHER WOMAN. She was near him and he said he liked her, for her to listen, but later wrote me an email to say she was only a TEST for him. So, he is still using people. I feel cheated, abused and used and was left brokenhearted, without much explanation, only he was probably bored and found another woman.
Talking about that, I should have seen the red flags as well before, as he told me of one night stands he had had. He is also highly sexual, another red flag. His commitment to me meant nothing to him, less than nothing, as he does not even remember the things he said. He had also no empathy for me, for my suffering for him, as I really loved him, and wrote emails telling me how his new relationship was ‘all right.’
I’m also without the money he left from me, a huge amount.
I have contacted his daughter to know if he does these things often and all she answered me was that she has nothing much to do with him and she has her reasons.
Dreams are dead
I’m now suffering so much that I hardly can live. All my dreams of having him are dead and he is not even bothering. He told me to go dancing to forget him!!!!!
So, I’m another woman who saw the S a bit too late. All the signs were there—the lack of feeling, the lack of emotion, the lack of tenderness, like holding hands, the blame I got for everything, he was never guilty, the horrendous rages out of the blue for nothing, the lack of empathy, no sense of commitment even after a full sexual relationship (He said it was ‘functional’), the erratic lifestyle, no money, changing jobs and houses, changing relationships (I was number 4), living off his brother, using my money for EVERYTHING, telling silly unnecessary lies, incapacity for love and attachment, ingratitude for all I did for him, practically maintaining him for a year, his mood shifts, his lack of responsibility for his actions, even denying they ever happened, treating people like tools for money and sex, easily provoked, one night stands, trying to make me feel that I was the crazy one when he told a lie and did not remember it, thinking that i was provoking him to anger when he was the angry one all the time, not honouring formal or informal commitment to a woman who truly loved him.
Please use my story to warn others. They are everywhere and they inflict serious damage in other people’s lives.
Learn more: How to report your abuser’s crimes to the police take you seriously
Lovefraud originally posted this letter on March 11, 2011.
5 Reasons why the sociopath’s behavior in your relationship makes no sense
Dear Trista,
I am sorry that your story had another “episode”—I too have had many Psychopathic chapters in my story because I didn’t really “get it” about them the first or second time through the “University of Hard Knocks.” Your and my stories are proof that if we don’t get the LESSON of the RED FLAGS and we let the “love bombing” that they do to us and the “pity play” they lay on us about being broke or unloved or needy, and then we jump in there to “help” them and bingo! They have hooked another fish.
Your story is well written about the RED FLAGS and how we must learn to recognize them but also to HONOR THEM. Run when we see them, no turning back. No looking back.
I too didn’t honor those red flags because it was painful to do so after Ii had built up so much hope, kept hanging on to that hope of a “happily ever after” in the end…but all Ii got was another lesson from the University of Hard Knocks—and more pain. Now, I am carefully considering anything that sticks up and waves in ALL relationships, if it looks like a red flag I take notice and I honor that flag and turn away from it.
If “he lies” then HE IS THE LIE—-run RUN RUNNNNNNN!!!!!
Thanks you for sharing and God bless…I think though it has been a painful lesson for you, you have learned a very valuable one, I hope your lesson saves others from more painful lessons of their own.
Where is One step? Where is EB?
Whazzup guys? We miss you!!
Love,
Mama GemXX
Hi Trista. The way you describe your spath is classic. So sorry you have faced a second spath but it sounds like you are moving forward.
Your story will be helpful to others here to remind us that spaths are like the common cold, they are everywhere and we never know when the virus is going to target us.
Well done for picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and moving forward 🙂
Hi, Trista….
Your story is mine. Except for the location, the behaviors you describe are the ones I encountered. Each and every one.
The lies, the manipulations, the superficial charm, expecting me to support him yet not appreciating it, the constant threat of betrayal.
You don’t need me to spell them out for you. You have already endured the same thing.
You are not defective for having fallen into such a relationship for a second time. It is so easy to do. You are hard-wired to fall for this type of man, as am I and the many other wounded souls on this website.
I am new to healing but from what I have learned so far, it is helpful to separate your feelings from what he did. Meaning that how he treated you has nothing to do with you as a person because you were not a person to him. You were just a reflection of himself, for the time being. Then he moved on for a new reflection. As you became more aware of what he was about, he needed to find a new mirror for his shallow self.
So this is not about you as a naive person but about a shadow of a person trying to catch the dying sunlight so as to continue to shine..at anyone’s expense.
If you can hold onto the fact that the very things that make you uniquely you…your kindness and trust, your sweet nature…make you the perfect mirror for such a wounded person, maybe you can take the pain off of yourself a bit and place it on him. Because he is in permanent pain.
I am hoping that yours is temporary.
God bless you, Trista.
Know that you are not alone and not stupid. We have all been where you are, and we are not stupid…just caring.
Dear Trimama,
Your advice to Trista is excellent! You already KNOW the things you need to know to heal yourself—see, I TOLD YOU THAT YOU WERE STRONGER THAN YOU BELIEVED OR KNEW!!!! The Knowledge base is there for you to build upon to build a FORT that will protect you from this kind of abuser in the future. That will still allow you to open your heart to good people, but just not open those doors to just anyone who knocks and says “let me in.” We must learn to recognize the evil from the good and BAR THE DOOR to the evil ones.
You are right, too, you are NOT STUPID, JUST CARING! God bless. Your wisdom is showing through!
Trista,
Thank you for your story. I have to believe that being able to tell our stories actually do lead to healing..eventually. I have been divorced from mr. wonderful s/p for almost 5 years. It only got worse from there. He married one of the women he was cheating on me with and she is just as big a liar, s/p as he is. When they were starting their relationship, they met in a bar of course and I am sure he played the “pity me” game with her to suck her in. She knew about me and together they made my kids keep their relationship a secret. I though that once we were divorced and I was able to move away things would get better. Wrong!!! Now he has his wife and her whole family involved in the “smear campaign” and her family is just as psychotic as he is. They belong on the Jerry Springer show; last year they took a “family vacation” to Disney World and got into a drunken braul and were kicked out of the park. These people are in their 40’s and his wife and her sister beat each other to a bloody pulp all in front of my kids. Who gets kicked out of Disney World?!! Any way, he has her and her family doing all the dirty work so he can of course look like he’s Mr Innocent. He is a total shmooser. They both lie and the good thing is my kids know they are liars. They know it is all a game. i do have to remind them at times because these people are so stinkin seductive. It seems like it never ends. Together they work trying to hurt me. Even though the kids know what they are all about, it is still easy for them to get caught up in the games..being bought. I have spent everything I have on court battles and unfortuately the courts are so corrupt that it just doesnt seem to ever end..family law in Illinois, Dupage co. is a huge money maker. One day my kids will be 18 and I will never again have to deal with these fools. In the end we win..after a time of sacrifice and what seems like prison, we are eventually freed from these people. They will always be empty shells of darkness with no idea of what it feels like to love or be loved. They are in a constant state of paranoia due to all the nasty, deceptive things they have done to others and are never able to know reality. They will never excape their prison, their isolated hell that they brought upon themselves. They chose this path..their end is destruction either way you look at it. For us, with a conscience, we can love and be loved. there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We have hope…and no one can take that away. I teach my kids if they do the right thing, the right thing will happen. Maybe not immediately, but eventually. I dont teach my kids to hate. I do teach them about certain behaviors and how to protect themselves. At 13 and 11, they both have a conscience and are both faith filled and very loving…but that takes commitment. As stable and sane parent, we need to take the extra time and it does take sacrifice. Possibly even losing part of who we are…but it is worth it when you can hear your children tell you they love you and mean it. Right now, I am the common denominator between me ex s/p and his wife..the “hated one”. But when my prison sentence is over and my kids are grown and I can move out of this state…what do they have? Detruction=Destruction…Wish I could feel bad for them, but I dont!
Dear HGG,
Welcome to LF your first post was a good one and shows that you are healing. Glad that you are here and hope you will share your hard won wisdom with other parents here who are going through this same thing, only closer to the “epicenter” of the earthquake! Ot digging out of the tsunami after the divorce. Your experience shows in your post!
Glad you are here! Thanks for sharing! God bless.
HGG,
welcome.
You summed up life with the P’s so perfectly.
It’s heartwarming to hear how your kids are able to surmount life with a P to become loving people instead of drama queens.
Congratulations on that victory.
We are not out of the water, but one day closer to the victory. I did read “Just like His Father”. I would recommend reading it. Says that children of an s/p have a 60% chance of becomming an s/p. Well, my kids know that statistic. They know that I am on to them (only in a loving way, and we can joke about it.) They know what their dad is. They are still kids, they try to manipulate if they can. They will try to lie if they can. (Sometimes they will try to play into their dad’s game to get what they want but I let them know wrong is wrong, no matter which parent you are trying to play) The difference is that they are redirected by positive parenting. They know there are certain consequences for certain behaviors. Sometimes they can choose the consequence, depending. The assuring thing is that they feel bad when they do something wrong. I choose to promote honesty when dealing with my kids. I help them to see the wrong they did and help them to understand. But I also follow through with the consequence. Key with children is to follow through with what has already been determined, good or bad. James Lehman’s “Total Transformation” is very helpful. If we ignore the undesirable behaviors in our kids or if we react and take them personally, that gives them unwarrented control. The key is to be the parent. Parent first, friend later. I love my kids and really dont want them to be s/p’s. With s/p’s, they are like spoiled kids on steroids, used to getting their way and will use any measure necessary….that is the only thing that saddens me about s/p’s. They were kids once..Once. That is about the extent of my empathy for them.
I am so grateful for the information that is out there, the personal experiences that I read, even though they are heart breaking, it is giving us as parents and as people the tools that we need to be better prepared and armoured. To even know what an s/p is considering where I was 20 years ago, I have come a long way!
Dear HGG,
Well as a biological parent of one card-carrying psychopath and one arsehole but has a conscience, I know what you are saying. Unfortunately, God gave humans free will, so we can choose. I believe that just like a person can have the genetic make up to be an “alcoholic” we still have the choice to drink or not…it doesn’t DICTATE that we become an alcoholic.
Both my biological sons know right from wrong, one cares about doing wrong, his conscience bothers him and he isn’t going to kill someone or burn my house, but he will lie to me (he’s an adult, no kid) so I’m done, no more chances for him, the other one is a full blown psychopath who would kill me if he could, but he’s in prison so right now I’m safe. If he gets out I won’t be safe unless he can’t find me.
Fortunately, I have an adopted son who’s a dear man, and a wonderful person. Has some spathy in his background but it isn’t expressed in his behavior or personality–but I have more spathy in my genetic pool that it would take a LOT OF CHLORINE TO CLEAN UP MY GENE POOL.
s