Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who we’ll call “Kay.” She discovered that her magic relationship was all about him.
Kay and the Loser in Aluminum Foil
He was prince charming, at least to me he was. We liked the same music, the same food, we spoke about the same topics, liked frequenting the same places, everything was so right.
My friends, however, had a complete aversion to his instant overbearing interest in all things Kay. He completely immersed himself in my life and was constantly “making sure” I was okay. He made sure he monopolized all my time. He would call me approximately 20-25 times a day. During working hours he made sure he called me at least 12 times. My friends did not think this was healthy, I thought it to be quite flattering. He wanted to know everything about me, everything my ex-husband of 15 years did not care about, he did. From what perfume I wore, to what my favorite color was, my favorite food, my problems with my friends, what caused the demise of my marriage, what I really wanted out of life. This was all his way of controlling me and my every move. This would also help him know what buttons to push. He wanted to know who I was with at all times, where I was, how long I had been there, where I was going, what I was wearing. It was upsetting to everyone around me, however, I found it strangely comforting that someone cared so much about every single detail.
Read more: 12 seduction strategies from the sociopath playbook
As time went on, I realized that he made 100 percent sure that everything I was lacking in my former relationship he would make certain NOT to give me this go around. Empty promises were the basis of everything to do with us. His wife had left him. She had filed for divorce to be with another man, another man that had promised her the world. He made himself out to be a grand victim of her mistreatment. She never did anything right. She could not move out right away. He would photograph her shoes on the floor that she had not placed properly in the closet, he would take pictures of her clothing stacked up in a corner, he would call her derogatory names, but it did not change the way he treated me. For me he was a knight in shining armor.
Misogynist
It became apparent he was a casebook misogynist. He hates women. Actually he loathes them. It took me a while to really realize this man had no friends, family members stayed away. He complained that her family hated him and they were instrumental in the demise of their marriage. I believe his former wife’s family wanted what was best for her, which was clearly not him. From all accounts, everyone that knew of that relationship never understood why they were together and why she would put with this broken behavior. I think he destroyed her self worth and confidence, something he was never able to do to me.
Sex was another ordeal. It took months before it happened and it was over in minutes. So long as he got what he wanted, how he wanted it, it was fine. It had nothing to do with pleasure, only control. Control over everything. For me, it was emotionally and physically painful and even more painful to watch how someone could so completely disconnect himself from the act and transform into what was his real persona, empty. He was devoid of actual feelings. Devoid of anything real. Pain is all he knew. Guilt, domination, gaslighting. Classic textbook sociopath.
I called off the relationship on several occasions because I was tired of the empty promises. He promised vacations, holidays together, all sorts of outings. He strung me along to punish me. I was being punished for the love his mother did not give him, and I was further being punished for the things his ex-wife did not do “correctly.” She could do nothing right and he was the victim. Actually, in time I realized we were all victims of his wrath. He found women who were extremely attractive and tried to break them down to the point where they lost their identity and became what he wanted them to become—dependent on him and his mood swings and his dysfunctional behavior.
Wants me back
I broke off the relationship and when he found out that I became engaged to another man, he quickly came back professing his love and even so much as “planning” the purchase of engagement ring. He had made a mistake; he could not live without me. Not for a minute. He wrote page long emails, texting me 24/7, calling me, visiting me at work, everything. I called off the engagement and returned to this “magical” situation. He was once again my “knight in shining armor.” Of course that did not last very long. Several weeks at most. Then we were back to the same old control/punishment cycle. I quickly realized he was not Knight in Shining Armor but a Loser in Aluminum Foil.
I was always crazy and his favorite lines were, “that is not what I said,” “I don’t know what you are talking about.” He had a hidden addiction to pornography that was quite disturbing to me. It was a “bad thing” and it had to be a secret. He was very secretive about everything, however, he required that you give full disclosure; this was so he could control everything at all times.
It became apparent to a friend of mine through a “social networking site” that he had been stringing the former wife along the entire time, giving her some sort of hope. My friend began forwarding those “status updates” which were indicative that something more was going on than met the eye. Naturally he denied it. Everyone was lying. When I confronted him, he said he did not want to be in this relationship and he did not know what he wanted. He was a pathological liar and I started seeing the holes in his stories. The stories became a sort of “strainer.” They would not hold water.
Never going to work
Everything finally came to a head on my birthday when I realized that this was never ever going to be a good or healthy relationship. This was all about him and all about what he needed. He asked me to be patient with him and give him time and that I was wanting to run to the altar. No. What I wanted was a normal relationship, someone that was consistent. Something he could not relate to at all. He was devoid of any emotion and when some emotion (sadness) came about at the loss of this relationship, he would quickly disappear and block. Avoidance is key with these individuals. They don’t want to feel. They hate themselves and they want you to hate yourself. They will avoid everything, including you. They move on to the next victim and repeat the cycle.
I was in this situation for nearly one year and a half. The relationship was all about him. These types of individuals will make sure NEVER TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT MOST. Whatever that might be. They give you the false hope that this will happen, just not right now. No, it’s never happening. Not now, not in a month, not in 10 years. I did everything right. Right for someone normal, not sociopathic.
Breaking it off for good is very difficult. They love to leave “open-ends” to their phone calls, texts and actions. They want to know that they are still in control by leaving that window open. Lock it; board it up!
They are broken individuals. They don’t want help; they want to victimize themselves and others. That is how they get their kicks. I was wise enough to get out before it escalated. I am now engaged to a wonderful and, most importantly, a normal man. He functions normally and loves me and my child. He makes good on all his promises and comes through for us.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, but of course, one must heal before this happens.
Learn more: Sociopathic Seduction— How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this article on June 30, 2010.
When the parents of your sociopathic ex want to see their grandchildren
Eb
You’re EVER the considerate one! Fiber is so necessary, esp flavored fiber. I was thinking of offering my cook spoon. Wouldn’t want to drop even the smallest, cough cough, morsel.
Oh yes, that’s me…..was raised with English Manners…….Pinky raised when drinking from bone china n all! 🙂
EB, I’m so glad you’re doing the Ms Manners thing!
I love delicate bone china cups….I have a little shelf with my china cups on it near my coffee pot, and on the same shelf with my delicate bone china cups I have one of those hand made pottery “ugly face” artsy cups. I love the contrast of the one delicate kind and the other more “folksy” kind of cups.
I hope you have had a snug weekend, we got rain here! Most of the state is under flood watch, but I am happy as a bug in a rug, it was rain and NOT ice! Seems like this time of year we get an ice storm a week or so before Christmas or a week or so after! Not quite that time yet, but was warmer than expected and wetter than expected!
Well, g’ nite, off to cuddle with my pup and get some sleep!
Unfortunately, I got rid of all my tea cups and tea pots…..when I moved. All spaths great grandmothers tea cups I sold too……
I dont drink tea from a tiny cup……I’m a big tumbler kinda gal myself! 🙂 I only saved them because my aunt would complain when she visitied that I forgot to offer them to her. I didn’t have a kettle either…..I boil water in a pot on the stove. To me….get’s just as hot….and I know the English like BOILIING water for their tea. I told her to bring her own tea kettle.
I kept english twinnings tea leaves for her……got rid of them too.
No room to store shit that I DON”T USE personally. Doubtful now she will visit again anyways after my blasting the poor widow.
Kids and I went trampsing through the forest for our X0mas tree today. It was a sunny but chillly day up on the mtn. We had a blast……Holly loved being free to prance through the forest like a gazelle. She prances…..its so funny to watch.
There were so many trucks out on the roads with trees on top.
We found a beautiful fluffy tree…..no huge, for us.
We found a nice 9 footer for a client. Hope she likes it……it’s always odd picking out someone elses Christmas tree. ya never know.
Fun day……we will decorate tomorrow.
Sleep tight….stay warm and sweet dreams…….
EB,
I used to love to traipse through the woods looking for a tree, or when I was a kid I would go cut one, and haul it home on my horse through the fields.
One time I told the kids that we ALMOST saw a bear (there actually were no bears here then) and they were THRILLED that they ALMOST saw a bear, kind of like almost seeing a tiger! Or an elephant!
I don’t even decorate anything any more! Son D heads out to go see his biological family for the holidays and I hold down the fort here, we just go out for a nice holiday meal together and get each other a book or some other nice rememberence no big stack of gifts which we don’t need.
We’ll spend New Years with our living history friends (if it isn’t icy or raining hard) camping out, or holed up at someone’s house if it is, or have a bunch holed up here.
We also discovered a pond perfect for ice skating. Long and wide enough for an ice hockey game.
Gonna head on in to the thrift shop and get me some skates……..
We were sitting on a log admiring the pond……and we heard a bang……it WAS proly a bear! Or a lion or tiger…..or maybe an elephant.
Holly perked up……..but we stopped her from going on the ice. I told the kids, she can’t even walk on Linolium with wet paws, WHAT are they thinking…….that she can prance across the ice? NUTS!
I’m letting the kids take the lead on christmas decorations this year. Jr has a decorator eye…..so God knows what kinda tinsel town he’ll come up with!!!!
EB, we never really had consistently cold enough weather here for ice skating so I never learned or had ice skates, though I did go to a rink once, but never was graceful enough even on roller skates to do much. My husband at one time was a professional roller skater and owned a couple of rinks, even as an old fart he was graceful on skates…his kids were all great skaters on roller skates too, started off as toddlers.
I’m going to town Tuesday if the rain stops which it is supposed to to take the toys and bikes that I bought at the auction for the orphanage for Christmas. Should have done that before now.
Yea, I like mugs of coffee too, but also enjoy my little china cup-ettes with saucers as well. We don’t do plastic, styrofoam or metal cups, but do china or pottery mugs. Just that nice heft or natural feel of the cup is nicer than plastic or styrofoam I think. I’ve cut down on the number of pots of coffee and also the octane of the coffee I drink. Caffine is a DRUG, you better believe it! LOL Too much interferes with lots of things. My friend who is an eye surgeon known all over the world doesn’t do caffine at all, as it interferes with her steadiness in the minute surgery she does. My steadiness even to knit or do needle work is not good any more, even typing is declining. I blame some of it on the plane crash stuff–brain muscle connections not working like they did, but it may just be “advanced old age.” I’ll be 65 in a few days!
I just want to say after reading the above that all of you are playing right into this guy’s hand…and HE is loving it and HE HAS the upper hand right now and you can bash him and berate him and attempt to make him feel like a piece of shit…and guess what..he doesn’t care. Has your experience taught you nothing? Him showing up on this site is NOT at all unlike a person like this showing up in your life…he devises a way to be welcomed, (acts as if he is JUST like you), and then he is recognized, comes clean…but I gotta give you some credit Michael, at least you admit WHAT you are. And I know, none of this bothers you…and I know it actually gets that adrenaline pumping (because this physical sensation is something that you can actually feel)…besides the release during sex. I already KNOW what goes on in your mind, okay. And, I will probably take a bashing from all of you on this site..but I also KNOW that some of these people don’t even know that they are dysfunctional (lacking functioning empathy centers of the brain) until someone calls them out and lives before them in a POLARLY opposite manner. When that happens, their comfort is threatened. They begin to live a fear-based life and defend what THEY believe in, because it is the only thing they know. It is not unlike ANY ONE of us who are emotionally adept and stand in defense of our beliefs. Because they have no capacity for the damage they are doing, as they just cannot, they begin to lash out at people who threaten to unmask them, out them to others. Just as we CANNOT even begin to wrap our heads around someone like this…THEY cannot begin to wrap their heads around people like us. With all of that being said, that is my take on this anomalous condition. I do not believe that this back and forth with this guy is solving anything…you may be using him as a vent tool…but to me, someone who is genuinely trying to heal from a person who seems to come from an entirely different planet than I, I think this is all a bit immature and counterproductive to my healing process…so as with the man I have cast out of my life and continue to have no contact with for good reason for ME…it is not healthy for ME, and I don’t wish to play little humerus word games and make up Christmas songs highlighting what I have been through and giving people like this any more room in my thought process whatsoever, this site is not good for me either. At first, I felt it gave me a boost to be in the company of those who understand, but this banter that is going on between you and this Michael guy is too much of a reminder of the power struggle that my life turned into and I am not down with it at all. So it was nice meeting you. I wish for you continued healing, continued strength, and continued objectivity in your quest for moving past something that never really WAS to begin with…why relive it over and over… And not only that, but it is not MY wish nor WHO I am to display hatred toward anyone—it strips me of my power….which is LOVE…and LOVE is a state of mind, not an emotion, not a choice…either you embody it…OR..you don’t. I fully accept that there are people like this (and the statistics in this are a JOKE, really)…as how can this even be measured? It can’t. There are way more people out there walking around with this mind state, devoid of conscience than we can ever imagine…and guess what? It is what it is, we can choose to nurture it (after we have been “initiated”) or we can recognize it and keep it far from us. We cannot do both. You are trying to emotionally assault someone who cannot be emotionally assaulted…do you understand that? You are making a muse out of someone who is a joker by nature…there are no universal boundaries set for this phenomenon…only those that you impose as an individual, and all of you coming in for the kill is just the same behavior that got us all here to begin with. DO NOT entertain his attempts AT ALL! When you do, you are talking out of both sides of your mouth…sound familiar???
Michael,
If you genuinely want betterment for yourself, to find the missing pieces, and learn more about yourself, then I wish you luck.
Likely, it will be hard, because you will miss the mark and ruffle a lot of feathers, but if you geniunely want to have insight and “connect” with others, then I pray to God you are determined to find a way.
Good luck.
Brighteyes, it sounds like you are very invested with this guy, and I doubt anyone can talk you out of it, so I wish you the best of luck. Of all the situations I’ve known of with married people sneaking around behind each others’ backs, I know of only one that worked out for the lovers, unless you count Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. The couple I know both divorced and married each other and stayed together happily for 30 years. For this one situation, I know of about 25 that did not work out. I’m sure you know you’re going against the odds.
I read something about married men who cheat – I wish I could remember where I read it. It said that these men are afraid of commitment. They cannot commit to their wives, so they seek someone outside the marriage and will often date someone who is married. But as soon as that woman is divorced and available or they themselves are divorced and available, they back off with their longtime love object. It is because they just cannot handle that level of commitment. Often they will marry the new love interest for whom they broke up the marriage. So they will triangulate another woman in to lessen the level of commitment.
The control he is exerting is about fear, which is generally not a good foundation for a relationship. It is the opposite of love.