Psychology Today on how to spot a narcissist

Right on cue, following this discussion of “how to spot a narcissist,” I ran across this news report:

Narcissistic mother murders toddlers

In thie instance the word “narcissist” is not just being thrown around loosely the way some people do. Fiona Donnison, the woman on trial for killing these two children, has been examined by several psychiatrists who “are all pretty much agreed that the defendant… has the personality traits of a narcissist.” These include an overblown sense of entitlement and of her own importance, inability to handle rejection, and a lack of empathy for others.

There are numerous news reports of this murder trial, which seems to be enjoying a high profile over in the UK, but this particular account reveals better than most how Fiona Donnison manifests the typical traits of narcissistic personality disorder.

Controlling behavior: Donnison’s common law husband Paul complained that she had been controlling all along. Although Donnison had two teenage sons living with them from a previous marriage, both boys left her and went to live with their father some time in 2009. According to their grandfather, “things weren’t going well between the boys and their mother.” Probably they didn’t like their mother’s controlling behavior either.

Taking offense at trivial or imagined slights: Even at the start of their relationship, Paul complained that Fiona would refuse to let him into her house just because he arrived a mere few minutes after the time he’d promised. (It’s a pity he didn’t dump her there and then when he saw that red flag, but hindsight is always 20/20).

Grandiosity: This is central to the narcissistic personality. Fiona Donnison always had to have the newest, the biggest and the best of everything. Keeping up with the Joneses wasn’t good enough for her; she had to get ahead of the Joneses and stay ahead. At one point the couple lived in a six bedroom house. Although she was well paid, she still refused to live within her ample means, racking up huge debts.

Boastfulness: As it happened, Fiona Donnison earned a larger salary than her partner Paul—and she never let him forget it! She constantly reminded him that she was the “MBW” (main breadwinner), inflating her own ego by cutting him down. (Paul must have had a hard time with this castrating woman, though of course that’s nothing compared with the loss of his children.)

Inflated sense of entitlement: Fiona Donnison’s presumptuousness showed even in small ways. Although she and Paul never married, she changed her last name to his (Donnison) by deed poll… without consulting him beforehand! While she was legally entitled to change her name to anything she liked, this still smacks of declaring herself “married” to the man without his permission! But she did worse things later. To a narcissist like her, everyone else was expected to do her bidding. So while her extravagance had got her into £50,000-60,000 worth of debt (that’s around $90,000—and on a UK salary too!), she expected Paul to help her out of the hole although he earned less than she did! However, when she got laid off from her job in 2009 with a substantial severance package, she treated that money as “all hers” and decided to leave Paul. And money wasn’t the only thing she had a double standard about.

As for the sense of entitlement it must take to murder one’s own children, that staggers the imagination. But to a narcissist like Fiona Donnison, the children were only an extension of herself anyway. She may have imagined she had as much right to do away with them as we have to trim our own fingernails.

Jealousy and exaggerated fears: Although she chose to separate from Paul on some whim or other in September of 2009, she just couldn’t STAND the idea that HE might reject HER: another double standard. She suspected him of having an affair with a old schoolmate named Alison Shimmens, although Paul was only friends with this woman at the time. I’ve no doubt Paul got fed up with being accused of doing something he hadn’t done. (Yet.)

Inability to handle rejection: I must wonder how far the rejection of being laid off from her high-flying job in 2009 destabilized Fiona Donnison and led to some of her later outrageous behavior. At first sight it seems illogical that she should choose to separate from Paul, the only wage earner left, at the very time she had suffered a cut in income—though she did have that severance pay. Perhaps increased financial stress provoked more conflict between the couple, to the point where Fiona had a hissy fit and decided to walk out. I wonder too whether her ego was unable to bear her loss of status in the household when she could no longer brag that she was the “MBW.”

In the marital arena at least, after many arguments, Fiona suggested to Paul in mid-January of 2010 that they should split up for good. No doubt this was one of her usual manipulative ploys, and she expected Paul to fall on his knees and beg her to stay. But this time he’d had enough. He called her game and said “OK, let’s split.” She was ENRAGED at this rejection. That’s what triggered her unimaginably vindictive behavior toward him, culminating in her murder of their two children.

Manipulation: Among the many manipulative behaviors this woman was guilty of, she falsely accused Paul of “assaulting” her some time before she killed their two children at the end of January 2010. This may or may not have been on the occasion (not mentioned in this article) when she broke into the house they’d once shared by throwing a brick through a window, refusing to leave when police were called. If she had succeeded in knifing Paul to death and getting the blame put on him for killing their children, that would have been the ultimate manipulation. But she didn’t stop manipulating even when she confessed her murders to the police. By going into the police station with cuts on her arm as if she’d been trying to commit suicide (though with obvious lack of success), she played for sympathy even then.

The news report pointed out that she and Paul had another baby who died of (suspected) SIDS at around eight months. Sad as it was, this incident is said to have brought the couple closer. It certainly prompted further commitments in their relationship. Although any normal mother would be devastated by such a loss, I can’t help wondering whether a narcissist like Fiona Donnison, lacking empathy herself, would be secretly lapping up all the attention and sympathy this tragic event brought to her, binding Paul more tightly to her. Now we know of Fiona Donnison’s penchant for smothering small children, I have to wonder whether this really was a SIDS death.

It’s good when cases of this kind cause personality disorders to be publicized in the press. Even then they could do a better job. Many news reports didn’t even mention what the prosecuting counsel said about “lack of empathy” being a key element in this woman’s personality disorder, making it essentially psychopathic in character. But this report in a regional publication brought out the salient points better than most. Often the locals do a good job.