Sociopaths promise to make your hopes and dreams come true. It’s their most insidious seduction strategy. Yet when their promises crash and burn — as they inevitably will — real hope is the emotional force that can help you overcome the betrayal.
Real hope
Hope isn’t just wishful thinking. New research shows that hope is a powerful emotional force that directly fosters a sense of meaning. After you discover the lies, when you’re trying to escape and recover from a sociopath, hope is the sense that a better future is possible.
Traditionally, psychology researchers have tied hope to goal-setting and motivation. But Megan Edwards, lead author of the University of Missouri study, found that hope is a powerful emotional force that gives our lives meaning.
“Our research shifts the perspective on hope from merely a cognitive process related to goal attainment to recognizing it as a vital emotional experience that enriches life’s meaning,” Edwards said.
“Hope is a feeling that something good might happen — a positive emotion linked to anticipated and desirable positive outcomes,” she continued. “Feeling hopeful implies the possibility of change, a transition to something better than present circumstances.”
False hope
Can hope be detrimental? Yes — when what you are hoping for is impossible.
Edwards mentions this in her research. “‘False hope’ is the notion that hope is based on false pretenses — one is hoping for something that can never be,” she wrote.
Unfortunately, plenty of people involved with sociopaths have false hopes. Here are some common ones:
He/she really does love me. This is impossible, because sociopaths do not have the capacity for love.
He/she will pay me back. Sociopaths are financially irresponsible. If they do pay you back, it’s only to soften you up so they can take more later.
He/she cheated on other partners, but it won’t happen with me. What sociopaths want most in their sexual lives is variety. If they’ve cheated before, they will again.
If I can find the right words, he/she will understand my pain. Sociopaths may understand on an intellectual level that you’re hurt. But with no empathy, they don’t care.
Life will be better once we retire. According to Lovefraud’s research, 91% of survey respondents said the sociopath’s behavior was just as bad or worse after age 50. (I wrote a whole book on this called Senior Sociopaths. Check it out.)
If you’re involved with a sociopath, please educate yourself about what that means. These people are not normal. They will never reciprocate your love and caring. They will never be trustworthy.
The kind, attentive partner that you saw in the beginning was a charade designed to seduce you. The person you fell in love with does not exist. Please give up the false hope that he or she will return.
Hope and meaning
It’s good to have a positive outlook, but that can certainly be difficult when sociopaths wreak havoc in your life. This is where hope can be so helpful. It’s the feeling that even dire circumstances can change.
Other positive emotions, such as gratitude and awe, simply don’t apply when life is bad. But hope can boost your experience of meaning in life, even is the face of trauma, adversity and uncertainty, according to the Edwards’ research.
This is important. Prior research shows that experiencing life as meaningful buffers the negative effects of traumatic circumstances and helps you cope with stress. Edwards’ research shows that hope contributes to finding meaning in your life.
Meaning and recovery
Finding the meaning in an experience with a sociopath is the key to recovery.
I’ve often quoted Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., author of The Betrayal Bond. He wrote, “My experience with survivors of trauma is that every journey of recovery depends on the survivor coming to a point where all that person has gone through means something.”
There is always meaning in the experience of being involved with a sociopath. Typically, it is connected to your previous betrayals, disappointments and trauma. These created emotional disturbances that were never addressed and released.
Why? Because you weren’t aware that you were still carrying the pain.
Now the sociopath brought it to your attention. Now you have the opportunity to not only recover from what he or she did, but from what made you vulnerable in the first place.
That’s reason for hope.
Hope is a powerful emotional force, even when life is hard. It contributes to your psychological well-being and can help you get out of the mess by reminding you that positive change is possible.
Learn more: Free! Releasing energetic disturbances for true recovery from betrayal
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Are you seeing someone else?