Should I expose the sociopath for revenge?

In a comment on my Lovefraud Live! Youtube show, a viewer asked if she should expose the sociopath for revenge. Here’s what she wrote:

I’ve got so much dirt on this guy that I now know is a sociopath…took advantage of my emotions horribly. Should I use what I know about him to get some kind of revenge?

This Lovefraud viewer brings up two issues. First, she asks about exposing the sociopath. Second, she asks about revenge. Let’s address them one at a time.

Exposing the sociopath

There is value in exposing the sociopath for society as a whole: warning others against his or her deceit and exploitation can prevent them from being victimized. One reason why sociopaths keep engaging in their lies and manipulation is that they are often not held accountable. If the sociopaths haven’t engaged in crimes serious enough to draw the attention of prosecutors, many victims just try to pick up the pieces of their lives and move on.

This is totally understandable, because trying to hold a sociopath accountable can be dangerous. Some are physically violent, so provoking them may leave you injured or worse. For other sociopaths, the preferred retaliation method is the smear campaign, which can seriously undermine your reputation, employment, family relationships and standing in the community.

The key consideration in exposing the sociopath is whether you can do it safely. Keep in mind that exposing the sociopath is like waving a red cape in front of a charging bull — can you withstand the attack? Does the sociopath have the ability to hurt you physically, financially or in some other way? Think carefully, and do not underestimate the sociopath’s potential for ruthlessness. If there’s a possibility of danger for you, be careful about picking a fight.

Taking revenge

Still, when you’ve been massively wronged by a sociopath, it may feel almost impossible to contain your desire to lash out — especially when you have proof of his or her bad behavior. So before you do anything, it may be wise to consider this ancient proverb:

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.”

— Confucius

One of the problems with seeking revenge is that it keeps you locked into the sociopath’s negative energy. When you’re obsessing over what the sociopath did to you and plotting how to take him or her down, it shows that the sociopath is still exerting power over you. You aren’t free, and you can’t move forward with your recovery.

Read more: How to get revenge against the sociopath

My own experience

I left my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, after I discovered that he had a child with another woman during our marriage. Then, I went into detective mode, rooting through all the papers he left in my basement, discovering that he was involved with multiple women both before and during our marriage.

Eventually I spoke to one of the women he cheated with, whom I call “Sylvia” in my book, Love Fraud. That’s when I discovered that my entire marriage was a financial scam. In fact, the objective of all Montgomery’s romantic pursuits was to drain the women of money.

I did attempt to hold him accountable, with mixed results:

I reported Montgomery to the FBI

Sylvia and I reviewed all the evidence we had, and I contacted other victims. We documented that Montgomery had taken more than $1 million from me, Sylvia and four other women. Plus, we had evidence that he took money from others, although we didn’t know how much. The FBI investigated. But the U.S. Attorney for the Eastern District of Pennsylvania declined to prosecute. He “questioned the motivation of the witnesses.”

I accused the sociopath of marriage fraud

In my divorce, I claimed that Montgomery took $227,000 from me to support his grandiose business plans. I wanted him to pay me back, plus damages. Three other women, plus the parents of the wife before me, who died, testified at my divorce. Montgomery did not participate. The judge awarded me the $227,000, plus $1 million in punitive damages, which is unheard of in a divorce. But I was never able to find the money — it was all gone. I collected a grand total of $517.

I exposed Montgomery with Lovefraud.com

More than five years after my divorce, I launched Lovefraud. Simultaneously, the Australia and New Zealand Military Imposters website exposed him as a military fraud (yeah, he did that too). He lost his job. He lost his volunteer job. Plus, he was still prowling the Internet for women. Seven of them googled his name, found my website and dumped him.

I admit that it felt great to expose Montgomery. But you know what? It didn’t affect him at all. Even when his whole community knew that he was a total fraud — the story was in the newspaper — he denied it all and kept behaving in exactly the same way.

My advice: wait

So here’s the bottom line: Even if you’re bursting to expose the sociopath for revenge, don’t do anything right away. Take time to carefully evaluate your situation. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

1. Do you have evidence that the sociopath engaged in criminal or illegal activity? If so, can you turn it over to authorities without endangering yourself?
2. Do you have evidence that the sociopath is cheating in romantic relationships? If so, can you reveal it without endangering yourself? Also, if the person you want to tell doesn’t believe you, are you okay with that?
3. Finally, how are you doing, physically, emotionally and psychologically? Do you have the strength to go after the sociopath now? How will taking such actions affect your own recovery?

You are your first priority

Please remember that your first priority is to take care of yourself. If the sociopath is not endangering others, maybe the best thing you can do now is focus on your own recovery. This doesn’t mean that you are giving up. You may still have an opportunity to expose the sociopath for revenge sometime down the road. The police or a future romantic partner may contact you, and you can then share what you know.

It took me five years to expose Montgomery. By the time I did, I was happily remarried to Terry Kelly, rebuilding my career, and LMAO.

Learn more: Lovefraud Understanding and Recovery 5-part Masterclass