Editor’s note: Sociopaths can fool anyone — even former fraud investigators. Here’s what a Lovefraud reader says about his experience.
I am a banking attorney, now in the private sector, but formerly conducting criminal bank fraud investigations when I worked for the government. A friend of mine who is a psychiatrist says I am one of the few people he’s ever met who can size up a person accurately within 10 seconds.
However, I am here to tell you from an experience I’ve been going through the last week or so that no matter how intuitive or streetsmart a person is, sociopaths can fool anyone. They are a breed unto themselves.
I am a gay man and was introduced to my sociopath back in February through my accountant who thought we had a lot in common. The sociopath is an interior designer by trade, but told me about a real estate deal he was trying to put together, to the tune of 40 million plus, to restore one of the legendary estates in the US and reconfigure it into high-end condos. I have to admit I was intrigued by his passion for the project.
We could talk for hours about everything—I tend to be pretty guarded by nature, but I found myself opening up around him. The sexual chemistry was amazing. I also found that he evoked feelings in me that surprised me—I was actually starting to envision a “white picket fence” future with this man and felt incredibly protective of him.
Inconsistencies in the story
Then this past weekend, while he was out, I noticed his wallet on the kitchen table. There were already a few inconsistencies in his story that were nagging at me — and we had only been seriously dating for six weeks. Anyhow, I found a Medicare card, which I found really unusual since he is 41 and I thought you had to be 65 to receive Medicare benefits.
To make a long story short, by the time I finished my investigation I discovered that he had at least 30 unsastisfied judgments against him, going back to 1991, well in excess of $200,000.
Read more: Fraud and other white-collar crimes — big and getting bigger
He had also told me that his landlord was trying to buy out his lease. No wonder, since the judgment searches revealed that in 2004 the landlord tried to force his way into the apartment and eject him. So, he probably hasn’t paid a penny in rent in years.
When I spoke to the attorneys on the last judgment entered against him in 2005 for $50,000, they told me he not only hadn’t any assets, but he also told them, at the time the lawsuit was filed in 1998, that he was dying of leukemia.
During a rant this weekend, he also mentioned how angry he was at a friend of his who recommended a certain design firm to another friend and how dare she do that when she knew the firm had fired him during the week his mother had died. I asked a friend who is a designer to get the story for me.
It seems he was head of the firm’s designers, but intercepting customer orders as they came in and selling the goods through someone he knew, then stalling the clients. When he was out that week, the firm finally did an inventory check and reviewed customer invoices and figured out what was going on. They didn’t press charges because they didn’t want the bad PR.
Fortunate escape
Of course, I had let myself get sucked into his vision of redoing this grand estate by this time. I thankfully didn’t open up my wallet, or let him move in. But I did ask a few friends who were bankers to take a look at the project. Once I conducted my investigation, I grabbed the phone, told them what I learned and to spike the project.
All the classic signs. Fortunately, I got out financially intact and with my reputation intact.
My friend who is a psychiatrist told me I should be proud of myself in that I figured him out within six weeks— even trained psychiatrists can get conned by these people longer than that. I have to admit I’m still sorting through all my conflicting feelings.
While I realize intellectually that what feelings he had for me are probably pure surface, it still hurts. My friend the psychiatrist told me that this guy probably actually liked me on some level, but also realized that with my background I was going to figure out his game ultimately, and then the jig would be up. I guess that’s a nicer way for me to think about it than to simply think that I was a means to an end.
Psychic sociopaths
I’ve come to the conclusion that sociopaths are psychic. Ever since I made my discoveries earlier this week, the last few days he has been bombarding me with phone calls and emails wanting to know if I am okay, etc. and proposing we get together. Mind you, I haven’t brought up any of what I’ve learned with him, since my psychiatrist friend and a police officer friend told me that he could turn violent on me.
Getting these people out of your life definitely poses a challenge. Both suggested that if he doesn’t vanish on his own once he discovers that I’ve outlived my usefulness by not being able to get the banks I sent his business proposal to to come through with the loans, that I tell him that an ex-boyfriend has re-entered the picture and that he is (a) a detective with the NYC Frauds Unit or (b) an FBI agent, the theory being that either will send the sociopath scurrying for the hills.
Anyhow, your webpage serves a real purpose. Keep up the good work. Tell your readers to trust their guts— sociopaths can fool anyone. If something is nagging at them, there’s probably a real reason for it.
I’ve spoken to a few friends this week, and I learned that there’s a real growing trend out there — after a first date, if you like someone and want to see them again, it’s becoming common to run a background check of them through Intellisearch or US Search. I’m now joining that club. If I had known about his chaotic financial history, I would have run for the hills before I ever got involved with him.
Learn more: How to report your abuser’s crimes so the police take you seriously
Lovefraud originally posted this article on July 1, 2007.
Why falling for a sociopath doesn’t mean you’re stupid
I too am a victim of a psychopath, althought it was not so much on a financial end but a romantic end. Our relationship lasted 7 months until I caught on. Like the person above, I had suspicions and did some investigating, it is a must nowadays. Don’t feel guity about it. I was drawn to going thru his personal papers while he was not at home and found out although he said he was financially secure, he lived off his mother mostly and skirted around paying his bills. And the whole time he was professing his undying love and commitment and wanting to marry me, he was still on dating websites, where we met, the whole time, saying he was looking for a life long mate. Let your feelings be your guide. My family saw into him before I did, of course, but by then I was very much emotionally involved.
Fortunately I did not marry him, but we did live together. That was a huge mistake in itself, although it gave me the opportunity to discover through detective work who he was much quicker. I can see why it takes so long for the medical profession to find out who pyschopaths are because they hide everthing. I have never had this happen before, but it was the most beneficial learning experience ever.
I will too in the future do more research before getting involved again, you cannot go on personality. looks, profession. etc. alone. Pychos are truly pros at what they do.
This website has been a great source for my recovery. Six months ago I was devastated, but thru this site I discovered who and what he was and what happened to me. I will always be grateful.
I am just logging in after 4 or 5 months away. I had to change my screenname from laman because I forgot my password and I couldn’t retrieve it because the old email address I had deleted (due to the psycho).
I notice people go through a stage of using this site, and then drift away as we get on with our lives.
To the banking attorney above, I am also gay. Not that this makes a big difference, except I think that gay men use the “date sites” more than straight guys, and we can become even more isolated than the straight people can. Hence, juicier prey.
I don’t have much to say except I have had “no contact” now for 9 months. I haven’t seen the psycho in person in close to a year. I am much much better (thanks to this site) and a good therapist, and my own initiative to check the person out.
IMPORTANT HINT: When googling a new love interest…Use their FULL name first-middle-last. It wasn’t until I tried using the middle name of my psycho that his prison record came up. Otherwise, I would have had no idea, and that prison record has kept me strong when I have weakened since we parted.
I don’t use the internet much for hookups anymore. I realized I was addicted to the whole ceremony of it beyond just the people I met. 95% of the time it was a WASTE of time. The psycho affair was almost the physical embodiment of all that is wrong with Internet Cruising/Dating.
I think, straight or gay, people use meeting others on the Internet like an addiction. The Internet is a magic machine that can find Prince or Princess Charming. That’s how it’s sold. Maybe it happens sometimes. Most of the time…it absolutely does not, and other times — psychos appear!
I’ve given it up and have acknowledged the date sites for what they are — addictive dangers.
As for the psycho incident of last year…I am WAY OVER IT. I was lucky and no money was stolen. My family was not destroyed. However, I was abused and violated emotionally and still carry the scars.
I agree. Go with your gut. Google with full name!!! Meet people in real time face to face and not on the dangerous and addictive anti-social internet.
No contact! No contact! I don’t even use the psychos name any more when he pops up in my memory. He is the sicko psycho and mentally ill.
I am addressing why I was vulnerable. I am proud of my recapturing my self-esteem. In fact, I have much higher self-esteem now. I made a mistake that any one would have made. I am proud that I pulled out immediately when the truth was plain. It was hard. Lesson learned.
Hey LaMan………….
I still come here and read th blogs, but haven’t posted in quite some time……….. I am still healing.. much better, but still have not been able to let it go in my mind.. but normacy does exist in my life now, and the obssesion with her and what she did has faded, but not totally. It has truly been quite the journey, and along the way, I have made discoveries about myself.. both good and bad………. the bad, I can correct, and the good just keeps getting better. It took me a long time to forgive her, and even longer to forgive myself…. I have never been in any kind of relationship in my life that had more negetive, mind fu@.......#ing, hurtful pain as that one did, and I pray that I never find myself in another one, but i’m pretty sure I learned my lesson as well.. the hard way…. I am so very thankful for this site, because it made sense of the senseless… it explained the unexplainable…. it gave me hope when I felt so hopeless. I too have recaptured my self esteem.. my life spark, and I know that I’m actually a more well rounded man now then two years ago when I fell prey to a woman who later became my worst nightmare. I have learned to love myself again, and have taken the lies that she had me to believe, and thrown them to the wind… I am better then all of that……. Yes.. she nearly destroyed me, and my life became a world of darkness of confusion, hurt and pain and self hate… but like the phoenix, I have risen again.. to be stronger, wiser, and most importantly…. My capacity to give and receive love has grown and matured…. funny how that works…. someone tried to destroy my greatest asset.. my loving, giving heart, and for awhile they almost succeeded, but in return, the final outcome is that my heart, my love, my nurturing soul has grown, not diminished…. Evil lost it’s fight with my heart and soul…. chalk one up for the good guys and gals of the world……
God blesses those who are humble,
for they will inherit the whole earth.
God blesses those who hunger and thirst for justice,*
for they will be satisfied.
God blesses those who are merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
God blesses those whose hearts are pure,
for they will see God.
God blesses those who work for peace,
for they will be called the children of God.
God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right,
for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.
Matthew 5:5-10
Hey Southernman,
Good to hear you’re recovering! There are brighter days ahead and many good people to counter the bad. We are stronger now.
It has been awhile since I posted here. Life does go on after the sicko leaves but in my case with alot of work. I met my “SICKO” also on a christian dating site. We lived over a thousand miles away from each other. I see now the dangers of living so far apart when a sociopath is involved. They are VERY good at what they do, And the distance just helps them acheive that better. I was a widow of 41/2 yr when I met mine. I have 4 children 2 with severe dissabilities. He moved here with his son and we got married. It didnt take long at all to see his son was VERY DISTURBED YOUNG MAN. His son was heavily into porn and as my oldest son and boys in the nieghborhood for oral sex. He also molested my son who is autistic. His dad had a VERY violent temper and had that very scary sociopath stare. he was also still on single sites I found out and calling other woman. He gave me a permanent venereal desease and knew all along he had it. He abused me and the kids but especially my son who is autistic. I live in much fear that he will return. When we married I got a prenup because my late husband was a wonderful man (the one who died) and I made a promise to him if I ever remarried this house and money were our childrens. Anyway this man never worked and lived off my kids social security and the pension I get from my deceased husband. I know he was trying to poison me too. loong story but I was having severe pains in my stomach and very tired when he was here and it completely left when I kicked him out. It became clear he molested his son and was well on his way to molesting mine. Then I found all the numbers he was calling and kicked him out. He took every penny we had and all our savings is gone. It has been a loooong jouney to get my life back and my children have suffered severely at this “SICKOS” hands. You can replace money eventually but lives you cant. I have to tell myself as horrible as it was it could be worse and he could have killed us or taken our home etc. God Bless each and every one of you and thanks for listening. Sometimes it just helps to get it out.
Interesting, one of my dear friends recently suggested that my con may have been poisoning me–feeding me some drugs in order to make me less stable.
Also interesting to see posts by gay men and that this phenomena crosses such lines as well. Frankly, the woman who told me what my eX was about is a lesbian who was taken by a lesbian. We think my eX is bisexual with a proclivity towards males only for the purposes of conning and predating and may actually prefer females. After all, her mother revealed she worked the streets in the ‘ritzy’ area of St. Louis and from the pieces of the stories, it appears Maria worked as a prostitute for years, maybe a full decade, until she became too obese to draw clients.
It’s such a shame that these other-than-humans are so talented at reading and manipulating people, but we as a society better get ready–as our culture deteriorates and there is increased cultivation of criminality the percentage of sociopathy is increasing!
From 1988 to 2004 our rate of sociopathy in the United States DOUBLED (Stout, 2004) and I see no end in sight for that trend to diminish. The one saving grace for all of us on this site [And don’t imagine that a sociopath might not be trolling among us!] is that most of us have built up an immunity if not at least a resistance to being fooled again.
I like this story. It is well written and cogent. Moreover, it smacks of SUCCESS. My guess is the author ought to be giving therapy to his psychiatrist rather than seeing and paying anyone for help.
Sociopaths aren’t psychic. They are highly trained and run their game for years. For years they hone their craft, their con. They are journeymen by the time they get to us. These are not apprentices. Maria started at probably 14 years of age. While there may be a biological anomaly present, I still believe that most sociopaths are trained. That is, they are learned not born. Still, the bastards challenge the premises and assumptions upon which I practice psychology.
Achtung! I met Maria on Match.com and it rankles me to hear that lousy Dr. Phil hawking Match.com as a great place to meet someone. I agree with the feedback above–matching making on the Internet suXs! It is dangerous and worse than a waste of time because the format engenders so much deception and weird psychological pathology. It is disappointing but it is the reality.
I find that I meet more people in person and I am very direct in my queries. I value myself more and as far as I can tell with every day I put off pairing off, my stock goes up! And I do much better in person meeting potential dates/friends. Now, I tend to hold them all at arms length where I can take a good look at them. But I also miss many because my timing is so poor–for this culture. I’d just as soon miss one and move on than take a chance. Besides, I am worth the wait.
Early after realizing what Maria was about I began to wish I had her talent for reading people, sizing people up and assessing them. I thought I could use such abilities to be an UberPsychologist and help a lot of people, but then I realized the price she pays for such talents.
She can never bond with another except in the role of a predator. She’ll never love another for anything other than his or her assets and what they give her. She’ll never know the joy or the sadness of having loved another and lost. Frankly, I wouldn’t give anything to be like her. And I am an accomplished psychologist having mastered my field when most are still doing harm! Moreover, I have helped a lot of people.
Sir, your letter smacks of mental health and you probably don’t need psychiatric treatment. You’re healthy and you are one of the amazing few who have beat a sociopath!
the problem I see with these people is they are good at hiding the truth. My ex hid her background and what she was doing to me for a while but eventually they all slip up but many times when they do and you catch them the damage is already done.
The original poster was lucky in that he found out ahead of time. I was already married to my sociopath so it was a little more difficult to get out of the relationship. I wish there was a website like the sex offenders list but a sociopath list where one could look up case files, history, arrest, background info, pictures, cons, etcetc on these people, any aliases used, and so on. I dont know if this is possible but it would allow people to access the database to make these people known so others might not fall prey to them.
Why not this website? I fear liabilty would be an issue.
i agree liability would be an issue and this website has donea good job but it doesnt list enough information on the bad guys and girls for my personal taste. I think they should be outted just like the sex offenders. That way it would be easier for law enforcement to know about them as well as the public.
My ex wife has stolen and been caught and served time from three different employers and yet she still gets jobs as a manager at many locations. I guess they don’t do good background checks on their employees because she keeps getting hired. And then continue to robs the next one down the line. The problem is yes she does a little time well no punishment for her in her eyes when in jail she doesnt have to pay rent and she doesnt have to buy food or pay medical bills. So shes saving all the money she stole while sitting in jail then once free she has all this money sitting there in the bank to do with as she sees fit.
Crime does pay.
I just have one question for everyone here. Does anyone trust people after these sick people did what they did to us. Unfortunetly for me…I have run accross a few of these sickos but NONE like my ex. Whoever I meet now I’m thinking to myself who is this person really? do they have a secret life like the scott petersons and ted bundys of this world? I dont let my children out of my site and I’m already training my kids and they all know the signs of a sociopath especially my girls. I feel like I’m in a prison sometimes in my mind as I try so hard but just cant trust anyone.