Editor’s note: Sociopaths can fool anyone — even former fraud investigators. Here’s what a Lovefraud reader says about his experience.
I am a banking attorney, now in the private sector, but formerly conducting criminal bank fraud investigations when I worked for the government. A friend of mine who is a psychiatrist says I am one of the few people he’s ever met who can size up a person accurately within 10 seconds.
However, I am here to tell you from an experience I’ve been going through the last week or so that no matter how intuitive or streetsmart a person is, sociopaths can fool anyone. They are a breed unto themselves.
I am a gay man and was introduced to my sociopath back in February through my accountant who thought we had a lot in common. The sociopath is an interior designer by trade, but told me about a real estate deal he was trying to put together, to the tune of 40 million plus, to restore one of the legendary estates in the US and reconfigure it into high-end condos. I have to admit I was intrigued by his passion for the project.
We could talk for hours about everything—I tend to be pretty guarded by nature, but I found myself opening up around him. The sexual chemistry was amazing. I also found that he evoked feelings in me that surprised me—I was actually starting to envision a “white picket fence” future with this man and felt incredibly protective of him.
Inconsistencies in the story
Then this past weekend, while he was out, I noticed his wallet on the kitchen table. There were already a few inconsistencies in his story that were nagging at me — and we had only been seriously dating for six weeks. Anyhow, I found a Medicare card, which I found really unusual since he is 41 and I thought you had to be 65 to receive Medicare benefits.
To make a long story short, by the time I finished my investigation I discovered that he had at least 30 unsastisfied judgments against him, going back to 1991, well in excess of $200,000.
Read more: Fraud and other white-collar crimes — big and getting bigger
He had also told me that his landlord was trying to buy out his lease. No wonder, since the judgment searches revealed that in 2004 the landlord tried to force his way into the apartment and eject him. So, he probably hasn’t paid a penny in rent in years.
When I spoke to the attorneys on the last judgment entered against him in 2005 for $50,000, they told me he not only hadn’t any assets, but he also told them, at the time the lawsuit was filed in 1998, that he was dying of leukemia.
During a rant this weekend, he also mentioned how angry he was at a friend of his who recommended a certain design firm to another friend and how dare she do that when she knew the firm had fired him during the week his mother had died. I asked a friend who is a designer to get the story for me.
It seems he was head of the firm’s designers, but intercepting customer orders as they came in and selling the goods through someone he knew, then stalling the clients. When he was out that week, the firm finally did an inventory check and reviewed customer invoices and figured out what was going on. They didn’t press charges because they didn’t want the bad PR.
Fortunate escape
Of course, I had let myself get sucked into his vision of redoing this grand estate by this time. I thankfully didn’t open up my wallet, or let him move in. But I did ask a few friends who were bankers to take a look at the project. Once I conducted my investigation, I grabbed the phone, told them what I learned and to spike the project.
All the classic signs. Fortunately, I got out financially intact and with my reputation intact.
My friend who is a psychiatrist told me I should be proud of myself in that I figured him out within six weeks— even trained psychiatrists can get conned by these people longer than that. I have to admit I’m still sorting through all my conflicting feelings.
While I realize intellectually that what feelings he had for me are probably pure surface, it still hurts. My friend the psychiatrist told me that this guy probably actually liked me on some level, but also realized that with my background I was going to figure out his game ultimately, and then the jig would be up. I guess that’s a nicer way for me to think about it than to simply think that I was a means to an end.
Psychic sociopaths
I’ve come to the conclusion that sociopaths are psychic. Ever since I made my discoveries earlier this week, the last few days he has been bombarding me with phone calls and emails wanting to know if I am okay, etc. and proposing we get together. Mind you, I haven’t brought up any of what I’ve learned with him, since my psychiatrist friend and a police officer friend told me that he could turn violent on me.
Getting these people out of your life definitely poses a challenge. Both suggested that if he doesn’t vanish on his own once he discovers that I’ve outlived my usefulness by not being able to get the banks I sent his business proposal to to come through with the loans, that I tell him that an ex-boyfriend has re-entered the picture and that he is (a) a detective with the NYC Frauds Unit or (b) an FBI agent, the theory being that either will send the sociopath scurrying for the hills.
Anyhow, your webpage serves a real purpose. Keep up the good work. Tell your readers to trust their guts— sociopaths can fool anyone. If something is nagging at them, there’s probably a real reason for it.
I’ve spoken to a few friends this week, and I learned that there’s a real growing trend out there — after a first date, if you like someone and want to see them again, it’s becoming common to run a background check of them through Intellisearch or US Search. I’m now joining that club. If I had known about his chaotic financial history, I would have run for the hills before I ever got involved with him.
Learn more: How to report your abuser’s crimes so the police take you seriously
Lovefraud originally posted this article on July 1, 2007.
Why falling for a sociopath doesn’t mean you’re stupid
I pay tribute to you Stargazer, that you acted on your red line and got out at an early stage. My exN pulled lots of stunts on me, like you describe, but I kept giving him space and understanding – what in essence, I now understand, is that I was giving him the space to abuse me. I too had that early experience of not being loved and of course, they fill these vulnerable gaps. As soon as we wise up and are aware of these vulnerabilities, we can protect ourselves from this kind of heart and soul manipulation. Nice to hear from you Stargazer.
Stargazer, I found that too, When we finished, it dredged up alot of pain for me, and then I realised it had struck a cord in my childhood – a chance to do some serious healing. I think the path, certainly for me, is learning to love and take care of ourselves and accept ourselves, irrespective of what ANYONE else thinks, including those who try to do us down. I believe when I get to that point, I have reached the summit.
Beverly,
Thank you for your response and for taking the time to read my entire post. I am sitting here crying after waking up from a bad nightmare about my childhood. I can’t believe that after all this time (I’m 48), I am still so broken from the neglect. I have come down with a cold, which is my body’s way of forcing me to deal with emotional trauma. I continue to come to a point in my life where I feel like I’m running on a treadmill, trying to hold my life together. Many people regard me as such a together person. But deep down I never really loved myself. I have always unconsciously yearned for someone to step in and take over the job that my parents were unable to do. I know that no one can do that but me, but I have never stopped wanting it. It is my own personal narcissism, in trying to make all of my boyfriends into my caregivers, which was not their job.
I know this lack of self love is why I barely hang on financially and am always broke, just getting by in jobs that don’t utilize my intelligence or education. And yet, I don’t know how to change it. I have watched movies like Goodwill Hunting and envied the main character for finding a good therapist. I never have found, nor could I afford, such a therapist. I have lived an independent life for many years. I am a homeowner and my car is paid for. By some people’s standards, I have an ideal life. But I feel like I’m barely surviving. I got tired of being on the treadmill. So my body quietly–and without my permission I might add–created a healing crisis for me this weekend. I have a cold. I’m very exhausted and highly emotional, and will probably just be writing and sleeping a lot this weekend. I am realizing how lonely and needy I am. I am usually the caretaker of others. As a massage therapist, it is my job to be part of others’ healing. I know it is my place in life to be a healer. But the pain I have to go through to get there is just excruciating.
I’m sitting here sobbing. I haven’t cried this much since I don’t remember. This site is my therapist right now, silly as that sounds.
Dearest Stargazer, I am bowled over and in awe of your honesty. I have been where you are now, in that deep well of pain. When it comes up, just stay with it, cry and let all that pain come up, that is part of the transformational part of the healing process you are going through. I so understand what you say. I too have been the underdog, struggled all my life, been devalued and have allowed myself to be devalued, because I didnt recognise when it was being done to me. Just keep writing here, Stargazer, I will log on over this weekend, if you want to talk and just spit it all out. I have always been the caretaker of others, since childhood, but as I get older, and my strength diminishes, I yearn for someone to take care of me too – I understand that. You can only be the best healer, when you have gone through the pain that others go through. I am standing right with you in support and love Stargazer.
Well StarG: I’ll give you my Dad’s strategy. Take several pieces of paper, pad of paper if you prefer … and draw a line down the middle.
Right side of paper is the positive qualities of your life.
Left side of paper is the negative situations in your life.
The reason you put both columns on the same paper is so you can review your thoughts …
Of course you are going to change and update what you write on both sides of the paper.
What you are doing is actually visualizing your positive and negative qualities in your life.
You now took these thoughts from the back burner (your subconscious) and brought these thoughts into the front burner (conscious).
This list will be a work in progress, so don’t think you have to create it in one sitting.
Work on the list (both sides) for as long as you are into it.
Go about your normal routine … and when you feel like it … work on the list again.
It will build and build and build as time goes on.
You will also see the great qualities about yourself that you forgot about … which will give you that hug you so longed for (hug from me too sweety).
You’ll also see those negative situations you don’t like about in your life.
Don’t worry about it … that’s good to see too. You are conscious of it now … it’s not lying dormant in your subconscious.
Take another color pen/pencil and write in positive qualities that you like in other people.
That consciously reminds you that these qualities you want to incorporate into your life.
Remember to keep living your life … what you want to do or always did …. you don’t have to constantly work on the list … only when you feel good about working on it … there is no time frame on this.
Same with the negative side of the list … review those qualities you don’t like being in your life … and get rid of them. You don’t like them, there is nothing written in stone floating around the universe that tells you that you have to keep them in your life.
Are you picturing what this will do for you?
Let me know if this helps you.
Peace and big hugs to you.
Thanks, this is so helpful. I will make that list, probably after I finish the chores I didn’t do last night. I don’t know where you guys live, but it’s 5:00 am here. I’ve been up since 2:00 am. You must be night owls or very very early risers.
After this good cry, I feel some relief but not anywhere close to the end of it. I feel so raw and vulnerable.
Beverly, I wonder how many of the people here have also gone through the same thing. I remember when I used to think everyone suffered the way I do. I got a rude awakening about it in my 20’s. I was sitting in a 10-day meditation retreat. It was my first one. One the third day, I could hardly sit any more because my butt was hurting so badly. I kept shifting around on the cushion but the pain didn’t go away. There were 100 other people in the meditation hall quiet as can be. They were all sitting so peacefully. I couldn’t understand how they could all be so peaceful. At the front of the room, my teacher sat, quietly, occasionally interjecting words of encouragement for us to continue sitting, even when it got difficult. I think he must have been speaking directly to me. He said “sit regardless of body or life”. So I just decided to sit with the pain and not move. After doing this for another 1/2 hour or so, the pain got sharper and felt like a burning sensation. I wanted to run out of the room but I just sat there without moving. All of a sudden the pain became a memory I had of a very bad beating by my stepfather. I felt it pass through me like a bolt of lightning. I started screaming in the meditation hall “you son of a bitch!” to my stepfather as the rage came up to my throat. The pain then went out through my feet like a bolt of electricity and I was just crying. I remember the teacher sitting next to me and telling me to breath.
After that, I cried for 3 days. Every person in the meditation hall reminded me of my mother turning her back on me. I cried so much that these other meditators, whom I’ve never met, would bring me boxes of kleenex before ever session. Finally, after 3 days I felt peaceful. The remainder of the retreat was very peaceful and I felt very present. I remember walking and feeling my feet on the ground for the first time. I ate a piece of watermelon and teared up because it tasted so good. I was sad to leave, and I almost ordained as a Buddhist nun at that time because I was so enamored by what had happened to me. Had I not had obligations at the time, my life may have taken a different turn.
I had an exit interview with my teacher. I asked him if everyone else in the hall had gone through the same thing. He said, “only a few. But none had the courage to do it here.” That was the first time I realized that my experience of being abused was out of the norm.
Well StarG, that’s called “purging”.
It worked, you purged that horrible memory out of your system.
I’d say you got your money’s worth.
Another thing StarG, try not to be so self conscious … everyone was concerned about you in that session, they just didn’t stop to attend to you because they were there for specific reasons too.
Peace and hugs … and it’s 7:24 a.m. here … I’m on the East Coast.
Oh, and StarG: As you rid yourself of the negative situations in your life … keep them on the list … just cross them out as you purge those out of your life.
Always keep the list with the original input and corrections as you go … this way, you will see the entire picture of your life staring at you.
Remember, it’s always a work in progress … the list and your life.
Peace.
One more thing StarG to remind you of … life is not all about the destination you wish to obtain … it’s the journey while getting there that you should REMEMBER to enjoy.
Peace and hugs, hugs and peace.
Correction: Those people in the meditation hall were not ignoring me. They were just triggering the memories as I was regressing. They were actually very loving and supportive. They knew what I was doing and they gave me the space to do it. That was exactly what I needed. I have done many retreats since then and have seen a few people cry in the hall. I can say from experience that when that happens, even though it’s not appropriate to get up and go hug the person, you definitely feel their pain while you’re sitting there. Meditation makes you so open and sensitive to others.