Editor’s note: Sociopaths can fool anyone — even former fraud investigators. Here’s what a Lovefraud reader says about his experience.
I am a banking attorney, now in the private sector, but formerly conducting criminal bank fraud investigations when I worked for the government. A friend of mine who is a psychiatrist says I am one of the few people he’s ever met who can size up a person accurately within 10 seconds.
However, I am here to tell you from an experience I’ve been going through the last week or so that no matter how intuitive or streetsmart a person is, sociopaths can fool anyone. They are a breed unto themselves.
I am a gay man and was introduced to my sociopath back in February through my accountant who thought we had a lot in common. The sociopath is an interior designer by trade, but told me about a real estate deal he was trying to put together, to the tune of 40 million plus, to restore one of the legendary estates in the US and reconfigure it into high-end condos. I have to admit I was intrigued by his passion for the project.
We could talk for hours about everything—I tend to be pretty guarded by nature, but I found myself opening up around him. The sexual chemistry was amazing. I also found that he evoked feelings in me that surprised me—I was actually starting to envision a “white picket fence” future with this man and felt incredibly protective of him.
Inconsistencies in the story
Then this past weekend, while he was out, I noticed his wallet on the kitchen table. There were already a few inconsistencies in his story that were nagging at me — and we had only been seriously dating for six weeks. Anyhow, I found a Medicare card, which I found really unusual since he is 41 and I thought you had to be 65 to receive Medicare benefits.
To make a long story short, by the time I finished my investigation I discovered that he had at least 30 unsastisfied judgments against him, going back to 1991, well in excess of $200,000.
Read more: Fraud and other white-collar crimes — big and getting bigger
He had also told me that his landlord was trying to buy out his lease. No wonder, since the judgment searches revealed that in 2004 the landlord tried to force his way into the apartment and eject him. So, he probably hasn’t paid a penny in rent in years.
When I spoke to the attorneys on the last judgment entered against him in 2005 for $50,000, they told me he not only hadn’t any assets, but he also told them, at the time the lawsuit was filed in 1998, that he was dying of leukemia.
During a rant this weekend, he also mentioned how angry he was at a friend of his who recommended a certain design firm to another friend and how dare she do that when she knew the firm had fired him during the week his mother had died. I asked a friend who is a designer to get the story for me.
It seems he was head of the firm’s designers, but intercepting customer orders as they came in and selling the goods through someone he knew, then stalling the clients. When he was out that week, the firm finally did an inventory check and reviewed customer invoices and figured out what was going on. They didn’t press charges because they didn’t want the bad PR.
Fortunate escape
Of course, I had let myself get sucked into his vision of redoing this grand estate by this time. I thankfully didn’t open up my wallet, or let him move in. But I did ask a few friends who were bankers to take a look at the project. Once I conducted my investigation, I grabbed the phone, told them what I learned and to spike the project.
All the classic signs. Fortunately, I got out financially intact and with my reputation intact.
My friend who is a psychiatrist told me I should be proud of myself in that I figured him out within six weeks— even trained psychiatrists can get conned by these people longer than that. I have to admit I’m still sorting through all my conflicting feelings.
While I realize intellectually that what feelings he had for me are probably pure surface, it still hurts. My friend the psychiatrist told me that this guy probably actually liked me on some level, but also realized that with my background I was going to figure out his game ultimately, and then the jig would be up. I guess that’s a nicer way for me to think about it than to simply think that I was a means to an end.
Psychic sociopaths
I’ve come to the conclusion that sociopaths are psychic. Ever since I made my discoveries earlier this week, the last few days he has been bombarding me with phone calls and emails wanting to know if I am okay, etc. and proposing we get together. Mind you, I haven’t brought up any of what I’ve learned with him, since my psychiatrist friend and a police officer friend told me that he could turn violent on me.
Getting these people out of your life definitely poses a challenge. Both suggested that if he doesn’t vanish on his own once he discovers that I’ve outlived my usefulness by not being able to get the banks I sent his business proposal to to come through with the loans, that I tell him that an ex-boyfriend has re-entered the picture and that he is (a) a detective with the NYC Frauds Unit or (b) an FBI agent, the theory being that either will send the sociopath scurrying for the hills.
Anyhow, your webpage serves a real purpose. Keep up the good work. Tell your readers to trust their guts— sociopaths can fool anyone. If something is nagging at them, there’s probably a real reason for it.
I’ve spoken to a few friends this week, and I learned that there’s a real growing trend out there — after a first date, if you like someone and want to see them again, it’s becoming common to run a background check of them through Intellisearch or US Search. I’m now joining that club. If I had known about his chaotic financial history, I would have run for the hills before I ever got involved with him.
Learn more: How to report your abuser’s crimes so the police take you seriously
Lovefraud originally posted this article on July 1, 2007.
Why falling for a sociopath doesn’t mean you’re stupid
Dear Zimzoomit,
I can completely understand your wanting to “out” this p-freak that has hurt you, taken advantage of you and others! Natural–NORMAL– response to the injury he/it has done to you–the problem is though, that if this seeking and needing revenge/validation doesn’t work, then were are you?
Believe me I wanted so badly to OUT mine to the world! But I also came to realize that this focus was hurting me more than them.
I don’t remember who said it but revenge is like drinking poison yourself and waiting for the other person to die!
I finally FINALLY got to the point I don’t need the validation of others now, I can VALIDATE myself. No matter what anyone else thinks, I KNOW THE TRUTH. Hang in there and read and read here and share your walk toward healing with us. We’ve all been in the FOG with you! (((((Hugs))))) and God bless!
ZIMZOOMIT:
I don’t know who you are OR who your spath is…..but….
I’m getting the impression you are not stopping to take a breath.
If you stopped, for just a moment, you would be reading this site learning about what LF is, and maybe finding some info you were NOT aware of. You could see how other survivors have dealt with a spath and maybe find something of interest to you.
You seem very frenzied….
I’m confused by your posts…..
WE here at LF have been affected aversly by spaths or toxic people.
We all have. Parent/lover/gay/ straight/ neighbor/ bus. associate/ boy/fgirlfriend/ best friend/ brother…….whatever….We are all learning about spaths and how to avoid them in our future…..
I guess this is what you are doing too? But maybe concentrating on the ‘outing’ part.
Just a suggestion….and since I’m confused on so many ‘facts’ of your posts…..who knows how valid these are…
If your spath left 9 years ago…..and your car is still being broken into or whatnot…..
Maybe your approach isn’t as covert as it should be….maybe you are yelling ‘fire’ in too many crowded buildings….
Hey….i’m all about ‘back spathing’…..when the opportunity arrises……But to be honest…..I hope to GOD….after 9 years …..the ex husband-bisexual-abusive-drug dealing- cheating-manipulating-lying spath will NO LONGER be affecting me adversly….ESPECIALLY if I’m in a new relationship.
My humble opinion….is ……be WAY more covert to be effective. (and maybe the car breakins will stop).
The same point CAN be made…..but ‘silently’.
Just a suggestion….
GOODLUCK!
I’m hurting because of the sociopath that took my money and left me high and dry. he’s the worst kind of evil because he does it in the name of the Lord Jesus. He preaches goodness and then he lies, steals, connives, deceives and the worst part is he blames everyone else for his own mess. Now when I asked for my money he tells everyone that I’m crazy and I’m just tryign to get with him. He’s in the court system for abuse, child molestation, death threats and more. You would think he would just give me my money back so he could be rid of me but now he’s going through court with three women.
I have a question. How can they do it with no remorse even with a court order?
Dear Hurting lady,
They ignore the court orders, so you have to take them back to court to show the judge that they did not abide by the order….which means that YOU have to get the court to enforce it.
NO REMORSE? They have no conscience so they have nothing inside of them to point them in the right direction to do RIGHT—they don’t care. They “lie when the truth would fit better” and they do not care who it hurts.
Read about sociopaths here (go up to the list of articles on the left side of the screen and start reading) educate yourself about them. You can’t change them but at least you can know what to expect.
You may never get your money back…but you can heal from it all, money or no money back….coming to peace after the betrayals they do is the only way we can “win” against them.
Good luck and God bless.
Rules and laws don’t apply to them, and they have no empathy or compassion. They are only concerned about themselves. that’s how!!!! No heart, no soul, no conscience, no concern for others.
I am sorry for what you are having to endure, hurtinglady3! You should not have to be going through what you have expressed, above. I completely relate to what you have described, the Psychopath is doing. Stay away from the Monster… Satan Ambassador of Hell and all Evil!
Peace to you,
Eden
hurtinglady3 – my advice for what it’s worth………forget the money (if you can) it’s NOT worth it. Peace of mind and spath free is better than ANY payment you hope (and I say hope) to get from spath. He will jerk you around and as Ox says you may never see your money anyway.
It’s a bit like a fruit machine….we put money in, then a bit more and we think if we just put in a bit more we will ‘win’ but the odds are stacked against us from the start. Yes we may have ‘lost’ the battle but hell we won the war by walking away.
OxDrover… actually I outed my at least for the Creep he is, not out of revenge. I did it in part to take back the credibility I had given him (it was mine to give, so mine to take back), to retake my honor for myself, as well as warn other women, who may have had their doubts about him already.
I called all of his family to alert them of his doings the past months, because I feared he had been using me partly to con his mother. Did not tell them my fear, but just the facts, and that I was sorry for how things had turned out, but I felt I deserved much better. Why did I fear he was conning his family? After his father died in November, he spent 1000$ of his inheritance money in one night on drugs and party. How you do that in a country where a rum&coka costs only 1.5$ (enough weed for several joints is 20$, and even the coke is cheap) is beyond me. But anyhow, after that, the family made his mother (ex-wife of his dad) the guardian of the inheritance money, because his father had intended it for the paperwork and tickets to come and live with me in my country. I remember him saying on the phone he was mad that his mother got the money, it was his, he was entitled to it, etc…. (originally he told me he had not inherited any money alone, just part of the house). One of the paperwork problems was that his US divorce needed to get legalized in Nicaragua, or that at least he got a Nicaraguan divorce. In December he and the lawyer told me he was divorced. In January he supposedly went to get the civil status paper that I needed to be translated here. First he mailed me he got the paper. But in February he didn’t have it. And had to go north again to go get it. And then in March suddenly the lawyer had not done anything, and he wasn’t divorced yet. He made me call the lawyer who had to explain he made some mistake with the registration of the divorce and something about 8 months. Anyhow, the fact that my ex-fiance told me to call the lawyer, suggest that the two might have had some agreement… so that the lawyer would get money from the mother, but would pass the money back to my ex-fiance.
The only way his mother would have agreed to come and pay money to either the lawyer as well as my ex-fiance would be if she would remain under the impression that he still intended to be with me.
Anyway, I know she’s raising his son, born a few months after I got to know him, and that his late father and her also fund the further schooling of the Nicaraguan girl who is the mother of his son so she can have a better future than working as a banana picker. If his dad left money, I prefer they use it for that, than my ex-fiance conning them out of it through me.
So, I instantly informed them all, and not just the fact that he broke up with me and exchanged me for an English woman, but how long he was with her already, and the prior affairs I found out about over the past 4 months. Otherwise they would think, “he was drunk when he said that”, and might even believe him if he was to say he was back with me at some point in the future. I made very clear to them all, while I loved them all, I would not take him back if he ever cared to try, because I deserve a better man than him.
As a consequence his mother swore he’s not welcome to her house anymore. It was not an outcome that I sought, nor do I get any satisfaction out of it. That is why I did not alert them out of revenge. His half-brother already could care less about his goings, and won’t help him either, and calls him a “liar” and “fraud” before I ever did. He has 3 children to take care of. Only his sister (well cousin, but she grew up with hmi) in Costa Rica still hopes he can learn, though she does not agree with what he did. I am careful in my wording not to take that hope away from her. She is his family, and I have no right to drive a wedge between family.
Originally I did not want to message the new woman. It was only after I found out that he was with her for over a month already and was talking about going to England in his town to acquaintances of his. I truly feared how much he may have had his hooks into her already, and I thought that at least she ought to get some warnings about red flag behaviour of his as well as some facts about his history. And only because she responded, I gave her a deeper story of my relationship with him. An other ex-gf wrote her a similar message with red flag behaviour. I am in peace with the fact that she might still choose to give him the benefit of the doubt at this moment. I just know that at least, when she starts to have doubts and anxieties about his behaviour she at least has read the red flag material and will not be able to bannish them out of her mind, even if she thinks I might have done it out of jealousy now. Once her doubts start to emerge, she will not feel alone or wonder whether she’s paranoid and insecure and ruining the relationship because of that.
I also posted 1 facebook message on his wall after the way he broke up with me. Because I befriended (after she told me her story) one of his liaisons I could see their pictures as well as his comments, and those comments of his to her were of course also referenced on his facebook wall. Those messages I was unable to see before last week were intertwined with my love reminders on his wall. It looked totally nasty, disrespectful and made me look like an utter fool to anyone who was a friend of her and me. I imagine that he kept those posts from him to her and mine to him intertwined to get some twisted satisfaction out of it, in his ability to con me. So, I made a post and thought carefully about my wording. “Damn, the wall looks silly now that I can see how much you cheated on me, while I was honestly expressing my feelings for you.” My post was kept to a pure observation, the impression it made, and yet taking back my honor for myself as a person who had been genuine at least. And I added one more sentence to it: “To all the ladies: get an STD test!”. With a minimal of public actions and words, I was able to get both my honor back, expose him and warn women to get a health check-up.
I have also added ‘fake’ to every picture of us together, and blocked him from seeing any of ours, untagging him as well. That action hurts me emotionally, but at least he would not be able to use any of our pictures to promote himself as a good boyfriend: see how happy I made her… I’ll make you as happy too!
He unfriended me couple of days later, which makes it pretty easy for me to keep NC.
If you want to expose a psychopath, then do it with positive goals in mind, and limit it to the functionallity: facts, short, and with self-honor.
Dear Darwin’swmom,
Well I hope you have helped his family and his child and the mother at least, but he will go from victim to victim, that is who they work. So now it is time for you to work on YOU….take care of yourself and your own life.
YOu can’t follow him around for the rest of his life trying to save the victims he will find…it would be a full time job. LOL
Now is the time to take care of yourself! God bless.
Thank you, Ox Drover. You are absolutely right!
I have no intention to turn from his life saviour (not that I wanted to be, but got gradually pushed into it) into his victims’ saviour. I only did for the people involved at the moment, and regard that as paying my due to karma for having enabled him for almost 2 years. I do not feel my responsibility goes any further than that. My biggest responsibility is my own life, those who actually have the right to depend on it, my job, my volunteer work, and the people who actually do love me.
Dedar Darwin’s mom,
Yep, you got that right on! It is difficult to get the victims to believe us many times….and even then sometimes they will go back later into the FOG. It is like some kind of sick thing that just sucks them back in even after they have SEEN the truth.
Jesus said “they have eyes and see not, they have ears and hear not” and I love the old one about “a man convinced against his will is of the SAME OPINION still.”
When we try to conviince the victims that they are victims, and they do not want to believe this, there is NO WAY they will allow themselves to see the truth. I have been in that form of DENIAL MYSELF so I can relate to it. LOL