For more than two years, I’ve shared my story and relevant insights here once a week.
That’s coming to a close. My book, Husband, Liar, Sociopath chronicles my marriage and the painful lessons learned. My book, Narcissists, Sociopaths & Wolves includes a summary of some of the warning signs of being in a relationship with a sociopath. I hope the excertps I’ve shared from them have been helpful.
I didn’t know.
Before I married “Paul” (not his real name), I never imagined my life could be so derailed and that my soul could be turned to dust. I didn’t know sociopaths are common, often hiding in plain sight. I didn’t know that they feed off of the thrill of manipulation (which will always be denied) and of emotional pain that they’ve purposely inflicted. I had no idea that to my husband I was not a person to be loved, encouraged, and supported, but, instead, I was “fuel” for his insatiable, black narcissistic needs.
I needed to derive purpose from pain.
The impact my marriage had on my life was so horrendous that I needed to turn my profound loss and pain into something positive. I am grateful for Donna for the opportunity to share my story and thoughts here and for all the comments and insights that, in turn, have been shared with me. Thank you.
This community has been so important to my own healing process.
It has been a source of insight and of feeling less alone. So many of us feel utterly alone in the experience of being in a relationship with a sociopath. Family and friends often don’t “get it,” or, even worse, they blame us for the experience or discount it completely. Not here. Here we are heard and our reality is validated. It’s such an important part of recovery. Thank you.
Don’t compromise “you” as you fight “them.”
Years ago, I read a book about recovering from trauma, and I recall that it mentioned that among the people who have the most difficulty recovering from trauma are those who acted in ways that were fundamentally inconsistent with who they were and what they valued before the trauma. That gives me hope, as part of what worked for me in defending myself against Paul’s relentless and ongoing legal, financial, and emotional attacks was that I fought hard to defend myself, but never in ways that I would regret.
Even if he lied, I would not lie. If he cheated, I would not cheat.
Yet, I would use every bit of emotional and intellectual strength I had to defend myself; advocate for myself; and when taken to court by Paul, to unmask his lies as well as his unethical and sometimes illegal tactics. Although with a sociopath, often the only way to “win” is “not to play,” that path is not always available. As I’ve been taken to court countless times by Paul, I often did not have the choice of “no contact.” Instead, and to end on a positive and slightly humorous note, I learned to channel Marie from Aristocats, “Ladies do not start fights, but they can finish them.”
Notes
Identifying names, places, events, characteristics, etc. that I discuss here and in my books have been altered to protect the identity of everyone involved.
What Betrayal Taught Me
can you have your ex declared a vexatious litigant with meritless lawsuits?
Sunnygal,
According to the California Code, Code of Civil Procedure – CCP § 391, a party may only be determined to be a “vexatious litigant” if one of the following rules applies:
(1) In the immediately preceding seven-year period has commenced, prosecuted, or maintained in propria persona [self represented legal action] at least five litigations other than in a small claims court that have been (i) finally determined adversely to the person or (ii) unjustifiably permitted to remain pending at least two years without having been brought to trial or hearing.
(2) After a litigation has been finally determined against the person, repeatedly relitigates or attempts to relitigate, in propria persona, either (i) the validity of the determination against the same defendant or defendants as to whom the litigation was finally determined or (ii) the cause of action, claim, controversy, or any of the issues of fact or law, determined or concluded by the final determination against the same defendant or defendants as to whom the litigation was finally determined.
(3) In any litigation while acting in propria persona, repeatedly files unmeritorious motions, pleadings, or other papers, conducts unnecessary discovery, or engages in other tactics that are frivolous or solely intended to cause unnecessary delay.
(4) Has previously been declared to be a vexatious litigant by any state or federal court of record in any action or proceeding based upon the same or substantially similar facts, transaction, or occurrence.
That is only the rule in California Courts, but every jurisdiction has a similar rule of civil procedure.
“Vexatious litigant” is a status that is attributed only to the worst offenders, and if Mom of Four Kiddos ex filed legal actions that had some basis in fact and law, would not be applied to him at all.
“Momof4Kiddos” needs either better representation, which as we all know is often prohibitively expensive, or for her ex to do something so egregious that his custody order will be revoked, which she indicated might be the case. Once custody was returned to “Mom” she would no longer owe that outrageous child support payment, and I am sure her son would be safer and more secure.
Unfortunately, if the custody order is reversed, her ex is likely to keep battling her in court for various and sundry issues. Mine did not stop until he eventually “won” when our child was a teenager by luring her away to his luxurious lifestyle – a lifestyle that he acquired through his third marriage.
I suppose that I am lucky that he did not ask me for child support, because like “Momto4Kiddos” I could not have afforded it. Losing my daughter to my ex through parental alienation syndrome hurts much worse than being targeted by a psychopathic romance scammer, believe me. The hole in my heart will not be repaired unless/until I can fix our mother-daughter relationship.
It is a shame that in the US access to ‘justice’ is often available to the highest bidder, but that is a fact. I have been at the short end of that stick more than once, and it is tragic. I truly wish her all the best.
I was responding to O.N. Ward. An actress successfully did this.
Okay, Sunnygal. As a law school grad, I was just trying to tell you that having the distinction “Vexatious Litigant” conferred upon a party by a court is a high bar. This is true in any jurisdiction. From the facts presented by “MomToFourKiddos”, this status does not pertain to her ex-boyfriend, as it appears, unfortunately, that his complaints had a basis in fact and in law.
Pauley Perette’s ex must have filed a whole lot of bs to be characterized as a “Vexatious Litigant” in California. Everything that MomToFourKiddos wrote indicated that existing laws were the foundation for her ex’s legal actions. I would like to help, if possible, but having her ex declared a “Vexatious Litigant” is not a likely scenario in any jurisdiction.
I understand it’s not an option for Mom To Four Kids. I was glad to see that it was used by Pauley Perette and that it does exist. I was not aware of it before. O.N. Ward’s ex probably had an attorney so would not apply. Thanks for the legal information.
This is good legal information.
O.. N. Ward thanks for the book.