I want you to have a wonderful life. I want you to overcome whatever you’ve been through and dismantle any roadblocks to your heart’s desire. How, exactly do you do this? The surprising first step of healing is accepting exactly what is.
Now, this DOES NOT mean that whatever you’ve been through is acceptable — especially if you’ve been deceived and betrayed by a sociopath (narcissist, psychopath). Evil is never acceptable.
It DOES MEAN accepting that what happened did indeed happen:
- Yes, the sociopath manipulated and exploited you — on purpose.
- Yes, people who should have loved and cared about you did not.
- Yes, you were deeply wounded and perhaps traumatized by your experiences.
The normal human response to the disappointments and tragedies of life is resistance.
- We don’t want to believe that our partner, family member, friend or even a random stranger could be so heartless.
- We want that person — or someone, anyone — to right how we were wronged.
- We obsess about what should have happened.
But, as the saying goes, “What resists, persists.” The longer we dwell on resistance to the reality of our situation, the longer we stay stuck.
Staying stuck
This “stuckness” literally occurs in our bodies and our energetic fields. Experts explain what happens in a few different ways, which I will talk about in upcoming articles and videos. But the general idea is that when we experience a physical or emotional injury, and we are not able to fully process it, we end up internalizing the emotional pain.
That pain stays within us, distorting our views, cramping our joy and preventing us from living fully. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Wounds stay within us, causing trouble, until we address them.
The problem with positive thinking
I’ve certainly experienced times when I wasn’t happy with my life. I’m sure you have too. As I searched for answers over the years on how to turn things around, how to get what I wanted, I came across lots of experts, coaches and self-help authors talking about the power of positive thinking.
It seems to make sense — visualize what you want, think positive, and it will appear in your life.
But there’s a problem with positive thinking: It represents a future goal or aspiration. Positive thinking does not necessarily reflect our reality at the moment. In fact, it reminds us that we’re not happy, that something is wrong or missing.
With positive thinking, we try to push on, despite the old wounds embedded within us that are blocking our progress. We are ignoring our pain, not processing it. For this reason, positive thinking can sometimes get in the way of healing.
Clinical EFT and acceptance
Carl R. Rogers, the therapist who introduced client-centered therapy, observed, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Clinical EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), typically called “Tapping,” is all about acceptance. I am now certified as a Clinical EFT practitioner. I have seen and experienced the profound healing that Tapping can bring.
How does it work?
The first step is to identify a problem that you want to work on. In Clinical EFT, we are very specific and precise about describing your emotion, sensation or memory — this is why it is so effective.
For example, you might say, “I’m upset because my sociopathic husband cheated on me.”
This seems to be a straightforward statement of your issue. But with Clinical EFT, we’re looking for the details. I want you to describe a specific incident in which you discovered that your husband cheated on you, exactly how you found out, what emotions you felt, and where they lodged in your body.
Why am I looking for these details? Because your emotional upset is attached to one or more of them. If the situation is very painful for you, we can approach it slowly and gently, so you don’t get retraumatized.
The second step is to craft a “Set-up Statement,” which has two parts:
- Exposure — your problem is identified in detail
- Acceptance — you accept your feelings about what happened
Here’s an example:
“Even though I’m hurt and angry because I found text messages on my husband’s phone describing his sexual encounters with another woman, there were dozens of messages, even pornographic photos, and I feel rage in my heart and chest, I’m willing to accept how I feel right now.”
Tapping sequence
The third step is the actual tapping. First, you say the Set-up Statement three times while you tap on the side of your hand, called the “karate chop point.”
Then, you tap lightly on specific points on your head, face and chest. These are points used in Chinese acupuncture, although no needles are involved in EFT. Research shows that tapping on these points sends a calming message directly to the fight-or-flight area of the brain.
You repeat what you’ve said in the Set-up Statement and simultaneously tap on the points. The sequence might look like:
- Tap on the top of the head: “I’m hurt.”
- Tap on the edge of the eyebrow: “I’m angry.”
- Tap on the side of the eye: “I found text messages on my husband’s phone.”
- Tap under the eye: “He’s having sex with another woman.”
- Tap under the nose: “I found dozens of messages.”
- Tap under the lips: “I found pornographic pictures.”
- Tap under the collar bone: “I feel rage in my chest.”
- Tap on the chest under the armpit: “I feel rage in my heart.”
EFT Tapping combines cognitive therapy with exposure therapy. You think about exactly what happened in all its gritty detail, then you repeatedly expose yourself to the truth of it in one or more rounds of tapping.
What happens? The tapping sends calming signals to your brain that override the pain of your memory. Soon, you remember what happened, but it no longer upsets you.
Profound change
This is acceptance. You accept what happened. You accept how you feel about what happened. You accept what is — which opens the path to change.
We usually don’t realize how tightly we are hanging on to our emotions around the injuries we have suffered. Often, we continue to carry the emotional burdens because we want the sociopaths to know how badly they hurt us.
But sociopaths have no empathy. They will never feel our pain, so we might as well let it go.
Releasing our emotional upset enables us to move forward. That’s why the first step of healing is accepting what is.
If you’d like to know more about how I can help you with Clinical EFT Tapping and my other energy approaches, I invite you to claim your FREE 15-minute Discovery Call.
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