Here at Lovefraud, we’ve heard thousands of horror stories of marriages to sociopaths. Thinking about these unfortunate involvements, it seems to me that there are three types of romantic relationships with sociopaths. I call them the Marriage Masks, and they are:
1. Calculated exploitation
The sociopath targets an individual for the explicit purpose of exploiting him or her, using the unsuspecting partner for money, sex, a place to live or something else that the sociopath wants.
My ex-husband, James Montgomery, targeted me because I had what he wanted: money, good credit, my own home and business connections in the city where he decided he was going to make a fortune. He sweet talked me, married me and drained me, and then he moved on without a thought.
2. Passing entertainment
The sociopath finds the partner to be a suitable involvement for the present—until the sociopath gets bored, antsy, or some other individual catches his or her eye. At this point, the partner is discarded.
Mary Jo Buttafuoco described her husband, Joey Buttafuoco, in her book, Getting It Through My Thick Skull. To me, it seems that Joey Buttafuoco was one of those sociopaths who was simply looking for a good time, for entertainment. He worked and she was a stay-at-home mom, so he wasn’t using her financially. But eventually he had an affair with a teenager, then visits to hookers, then a new wife. Changing women was like changing the scenery.
3. Image creation
In order to secure a coveted place in society, the sociopath may seem devoted to his or her spouse or family in public, but life at home, behind closed doors, is another matter entirely.
Here’s an example that was recently in the news. Stephen Green, founder of a fundamentalist organization in the United Kingdom called Christian Voice, preaches against homosexuality, abortion, Islam and Jerry Springer. “The enemies of God are having their say,” proclaims the organization’s website. “It’s time to hear the Christian Voice!”
Green portrays himself as the guardian of morality in the U.K. However, Caroline Green, his former wife, paints a totally different picture—domestic violence:
He told me he’d make a piece of wood into a sort of witch’s broom and hit me with it, which he did,’ she recalls, her voice tentative and quiet. ”˜He hit me until I bled. I was terrified. I can still remember the pain.
Stephen listed my misdemeanours: I was disrespectful and disobedient; I wasn’t loving or submissive enough and I was undermining him. He also said I wasn’t giving him his conjugal rights.
Here’s the whole revolting story in the Daily Mail:
Missing: Ability to love
These categories are not hard and fast, and some sociopathic relationships and marriages may show signs of two or all three types. But however the disfunction manifests, the root problem is that sociopaths are not capable of feeling real love.
They are, however, capable of acting like they feel love—at least in the beginning of a relationship. I call it the luring stage—the period of time when sociopaths do everything you’d ever dream that smitten partners would do. They call, they want to be with you, they give gifts, they make you feel cherished. They do this until they hook you.
Then, sociopathic behavior starts to reflect the real agenda—calculated exploitation, passing entertainment or image creation. The change may be subtle or sudden. The relationship may gradually devolve, it may swing back and forth between normal and unconscionable, or it may suddenly evaporate.
But at some point, the Marriage Mask slips, and we come face to face with the truth: We are being used.
My daughters S path I am sure fits in the category of Calculated exploitation. I also believe he knows what he is doing he always has a plan. He like mentioned in one of the stories I read above, likes playing women against each other to take the focus off of him. That is what he has done to me and my daughter. The more I read I believe my daughter is a narcissist not a S Path but is also brain washed. If she was no a narcissist she would stand by her children more and listen to them. I think she like the power and control that the Spath has created for her it was something she could never obtain on her own but always wanted it. I think she loves seeing me hurt for the times I did not enable her. She keeps a book on that. I Think that this was picked up by the spath very quickly and he used this to make the wedge. My daughter was always very jealous over the kids I raised that were not mine. I think he gave her the sympathy that she wanted made me look like the bad guy not the concerned mother that needed to teach her that the world did not rotate around her that there are other people in it too that needed to loved and cared for. It is like, if I can not use you I am going to punish you. She always had this poor done by attitude when she did not get her way and he seems to make her think she is powerful. She talks to me in ways she never talked to me before.She always let me know when she felt angry because she did not get her way and held a grudge but never got snotty or threatening but she does now. She is in there like a crazy women going right along with him even if it hurts her children. I do not know what kind of power he has over them but he sure does. He can be passive, passive aggressive and aggressive with out raising a hand. I have also seen him with my own eyes push one of the children very aggressivly out of the way when he was upset. I have seen it all.
Oxy thanks for the dog laughs that was great. I have a dog to that does the same as yours but he gets mad when we leave him. He will right in front of me do his bussiness when I walk in the door because he is angry I left him. He reminds me of my daughter spath he follows me where ever I go Just like the spath follows my daughter.
OMG, Grandmother,
You just described my little spath sister. Is your daughter kind of stupid in a hard to describe way? Like a dumb blond only you don’t notice it right away?
Is she really shallow? and only cares about money and power?
Just wondering if these traits go together with what you’ve described.
In the case of my sister, I really think it’s a lost cause. Thank God that there are no children involved.
I will keep you updated if I find a solution to extreme stupidity + evil selfishness + fear of being alone.
(hugs) all my sympathy to you.
Eva and Oxy,
I kinda hijacked the thread because I was so outraged with that above article.
Your conversation was really interesting to me.
Eva, you said.
“this subject is very complex. Full psychopaths are few and are well spot unless one desires to lie to oneself, but there are also kind of pseudopsychopaths. These two groups toguether are not so few, plus there are also people who supports both full ones and pseudopsychopaths.
So could be we are just a few embittered idiots and a bit masochistic that instead of going along with the crowd are wasting our time and energy trying to moralize instead of living la vida loca because they’re going to eat us anyway because they have more support since most of people are not interested in knowing or thinking about unpleasant things. ”
I think this is one of the most important things we can focus on. The spaths are incapable of accomplishing anything without accomplices. (hey those two words match!)
That is what bothers me the most. How can we separate the spaths from the spathoids? What’s the difference?
Historians have long asked the question, “How could the atrocities of nazi germany have happened? Where were all the good people to say, “hell no we won’t go along with it”?”
Well, I propose that we are experiencing a resurgence of that again. and it has been planned by the spaths. Evil is gearing up to strike again. Standing up against them is too dangerous if we are alone. But if we can determine how to separate the wheat from the chaffe, we can say “Hell no!”
This is why I keep harping on this subject. What can we do to determine what is the difference between someone who is Pure Evil and someone who just doesn’t get it? NC is fine for the short term, but in the long term, it isn’t going to save us.
Skylar,
Saying “How could the atrocities of Nazi Germany have happened? Where were all the good people to say ‘Hell no?” The thing is that many experiments have been done to prove that people are more like sheep than we would like to admit about ourselves. We think that WE (as individuals) are better than that. I think I am better than that, I think that I would have stood up if I had lived in Nazi Germany and said “NO! I will defend my neighbor” but I can’t say for sure that I actually WOULD have done that. As much as I like to think I would have, I might not have. I might have just gone along with the programs that Hitler put into effect, which he started more SLOWLY at first, and got people used to them, then UPPED the ante, the old “boiling the frog starting out with cold water” trick.
While I like to think I would have NOT gone along with the Nazi regulations and treatments of others, I cannot say I WOULD NOT have….because I just don’t know what I would have done under the circumstances. Would I have put my own life on the line to protect others? I like to think I would have, but I don’t KNOW because I’ve never been in that position.
I do know that I can be convinced of things that are NOT true, I do know that I can be and have been FOOLED badly about the intentions of others.
What is the difference between someone who is pure evil and someone who just doesn’t get it that the first guy is pure evil? It is called “politics” and we VOTE is what we do, even if we think our vote won’t count for much. We speak out as well.
We live an honest life, and we distance ourselves from those people who are NOT honest whether they are a full blown psychopath or not, we don’t engage with them. We also realize that we can’t fix the entire world no matter how much we would like to. BUT, we do work on our little corner of it, starting with ourselves, our friends and family, in being honest and expecting honesty. Teaching our children honesty and consideration for others to the best of our ability.
You ask again “what can we do to determine the difference between someone who is pure evil and someone who just doesn’t get it?” My answer to that is IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT THE DIFFERENCE IS with them, allowing evil to go on knowing about it (like my son C did with what the Psychopaths were doing) is just as TOXIC as planning the stuff from the start. One may be a psychopath and the other one just a dupe that follows along, but the lack of a solid moral compass on either case makes them both TOXIC and since we are not allowed to shot them for the good of society, about the best we can do is to get away from them, stay away from them, and out them if we can do so, and to help and support their victims.
There is a line from a song “If you don’t stand up for what is right you will fall for anything.”
We have fallen for scams and have been taken in and even married disordered people. That does not mean we are necessarily stupid. It does mean we are trusting. I believe all of us are learning from our experiences.
What we need to do individually is have our own mission statements. We decide what is right in our life and do not bend. Truth is truth. I am a recovering people pleaser. I can also stand alone when I have to. I don’t think I would have fallen for the Emperor’s New Clothes. One of the reasons I have experienced rejection in my marriages and relationships is that I finally do stand up to them. Maybe I am taken in from the beginning because of romantic notions and just wanting to be loved. BUT……eventually I do not put up with it anymore. They do not listen, they do not change, but they do leave.
TTS
Hi Oxy,
very well said. excellent post. at the end of the day – the label does not matter, he could have a disorder, or he maybe just a dishonest dude, both are TOXIC and we have to stay clear of them.
thanks for this reminder.
petite
Dear True to Self,
“Our own mission statements”—a very very good way to put it.
What is our “mission” in life, what direction does our compass point, what do we hope to accomplish?
Any successful organization has a mission statement, even if it is just a for profit company or a non profit charity. The things is does in its every day business should mesh with that mission statement of what the organization hopes to accomplish, is it making a profit in the widget business?, or is it building schools to educate the blind?, there has to be some DIRECTION to the activities for it to be effective.
I think I will sit down today and write out my own personal MISSION STATEMENT. I sort of have one “in my head,” but I am going to put it on paper, and read it each day. Underneath the over all mission statement, I will also include short term and longer term goals.
Ox,
Great post!
To my fellow bloggers in the midwest, hope you are guys are fairing ok through the winter mess!!!
Stay safe!
LL
**hope you guys are**
Sheesh.
Skylar you just explained my daughter to a T. That is why this is a very hard situation. If the children were not involved I would have to say they deserve each other. They would not be wreaking two homes. I just wished there were no children involved here to.