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What should she do about a violent stalker?

Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader:

Your website has been very enlightening. I was dating a psychopath for a few months. Luckily I escaped before too long. He fits the traits TO A TEE! Everything this man said was a lie. I could go on and on about the things that happened but I am typing on my smart phone and am just looking for your advice on one thing for now.

One of the things I found out he was lying about was the fact that he went to prison for murder. He is on parole.  After I left him (I am now 3000 miles away) he has been calling me sometimes 30 times a day. I had to call block and text block him.

I am considering calling his probation officer to file a complaint and possibly get him put back in prison.  I am scared though. I am worried that if he doesn’t get put back in, or gets out that I will be retaliated against. Do you think I should tell the probation officer to prevent any other innocent women from being victimized, or should I just maintain the no contact policy and play it safe?

I wanted to clarify what the person said was this man really convicted of murder? Here is her reply:

Yes, he was convicted and served time and is now out. It seems as though he was convicted twice for murder, both times were supposedly a result of a fight with men who he ended up killing, once with a gun.

What I really want is for him to just stop calling. He leaves messages saying he loves me. It’s sick and disgusting to me. Yesterday after ignoring 15 of his calls, he sent me texts of pictures of him with other women. I feel bad for these girls and am worried he will con them too.

I told him I would call his probation officer if I received even one more call. I am thinking of waiting to see if that works. I have had him call blocked and text blocked for weeks, but he is still able to leave voicemails and send pictures.

He was never violent towards me or directly threatened me, but he has made disturbing comments in the past like “we’ll see how tough you really are.”

I am just wondering if I should try to save others from the harm he can cause by making this complaint or just wait and see if he leaves me alone and not worry about what happens to him or anyone else.

This is a really difficult situation. First of all, this man is dangerous.  He has twice been convicted of murder. Although he hasn’t been violent with the woman, he is certainly capable of violence, and it could be directed towards her.

The reader’s first priority is to keep herself safe. But what is the best way to do that? She has implemented No Contact, yet he keeps trying. So, will he eventually lose interest and leave her alone?

If she reports what is happening to the man’s probation officer, one of two things will happen: The guy will be let go with nothing but a “talking to,” or he will be locked up. Either way, he will have gotten what he wants—a reaction from her. Then, he will be angry. If he’s let go, he may come after her. If he’s locked up, he may plot revenge after he gets out again.

Then again, if he is locked up, the guy can’t harm the woman. And, he won’t be able to harm other women, because he’s obviously looking for his next target. Although our reader’s first priority is herself, she, like all of us, doesn’t want to see the guy victimize someone else.

I don’t see an easy answer to this situation. What do you think? Do you have advice for this reader?


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13 Comments on "What should she do about a violent stalker?"

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Donna, thank you for posting this email.

To the reader, if you have any means to relocate, DO IT. If you don’t, then there are going to have to be hard decisions to make, or not.

Under no circumstances is communicating with the ex-con going to be of any benefit. Now that it has evolved into violent stalking, you are in danger for your life. Read it. Process it. And, call the police, the probation officer, the District Attorney, and any local victim’s advocacy group that you can find.

This guy will kill again, because he can. He doesn’t care about spending time in prison. It’s free housing, meals, clothing, medical care, and a warped “community” for him. If he had any concern, he would be adhering to the letters of his parole. He is on parole for MURDER, not fraud. He has served time for taking another human being’s life, and it is a fair bet that he would have no compunction in taking another life, regardless of who’s life it might be.

Be proactive, loud, and document, document, document. Provide every scrap of evidence of this stalking to investigators (keep copies for your OWN records), and take steps to protect yourself, and others.

Brightest protective blessings

First of all: make sure you can get as far away at a location he cannot find you (watch out with apps from the IPhone that help other people locate you).

Secondly: get a new phone private number… it’s the sole control you have to make sure he cannot reach you anymore.

Thirdly: document, print all the stalking he does and see if you can get a restraining order regarding him without giving up your safety. This will incense him, but if you have RO you add to his violent past, and it might help to give him up to the parole officer.

Fourthly: find out what his parole orders are… what is he not allowed to do, what is he allowed to do? If you find anything that can throw him back into jail, report it. It won’t be easy I expect to get him thrown back. If he has done twice for violent crimes resulting in death then a third time would be a ‘strike – three’.

Ok,
I have been in a similar situation. It is DANGEROUS. When I got orders of protection, they lasted one year each. It antagonized the abuser/stalker. They cost me time and money to obtain and he continually volated the orders at which time I called police and he was unbelievably protected so none of them show they were violated. The only reason there wasn’t a 4th order of protection or injunction against harrassment was it wasted my time and money and gave authorities (they admitted this) a directon to go if I turned up dead or injured. YIPPEE!

Then when this crazed man was released from prison, I applied to be on his victim notification list and the Department of Corrections felt there was just cause to list me due to past property damage and death threats (documented). Upon his release he not only contacted me via text and phone, he came to my front door. They know from prison what they can do TO YOU!!! He filed through family court and had a strangle hold on our lives. He had a major abusive party with my life and unfortunately his 10 year old daughters life who is now 13. I ran from my home I own of 15 years to protect the child but the family court forced us to meet him weekly for supervised visits.

When the abuser/psychopath came to the front door of the home I own, the tenant answered, said I didn’t live there and reported it to me.

I called psychos parole officer. All they could do with my 70 texts, who knows how many phone calls and proof he attempted to meet me in person, I was told he would not go back to prison and basically since they had nothing else on him and he looked like a saint for the 2 months after release, they would just tell to STOP IT. (but I was privately asked to bring the evidence so they prosecute him, just in case he got us! Also, they said “we’d like to drop him off in Alaska with no coat!”)

What do you think that did? It put us in danger. It antagonized the hornet psycho. It did nothing for us. He found our new home. He terrorized his daughter letting her know covertly he knew where she lived, (playing mind games with her) what school she went to and the child wore a disguise to meet him (in her mind, a hoodie plus a beanie) as she feared him recognizing her on the street.

It’s a sick system and if you don’t have some powerful people in your back pocket, you really are rendered helpless to do anything to this guy and he KNOWS IT.

Best thing that I did was attempt (in the past) to pick up the phone every month or so and keep my voice even and just start talking about how busy I’ve been. I let him puke how great he was doing in his life all over me and then I would say something to the affect of ‘that’s sounds great and I am glad you are moving forward in your life.” Then I would act like something interrupted me and kindly get off the phone.

This made the psycho think he was hanging up making his next choice and I am just busy (luckily that made him think it wasn’t personal). He felt in control but you must decide what to do or not with your specific psycho. I would get some peace and quiet, til the next time. I was protecting a child/his child. This worked for years.

If it were me, I’d probably call his probation officer and ask directly what good would it do if I disclosed who I am and attempt to let you know this guy is threatening and harrassing me? I know here, they’d probably tell you their procedures. You most likely won’t get anything out of it.

Remember while you are assessing your dilemma, there are several of these psychos released every day from prison. The world is going to have to get a clue and take responsibility for their own safety. If you had something like evidence in a crime, that would be different, as you could probably make a difference.

This is why Lovefraud is so important as people don’t know what to do when they run into these psychopaths. You have had yours eyes opened and my strongest suggestion for you would be read and learn all you can to protect yourself and don’t hesitate to tell others what you learn.

Just my 33 cents worth. 🙂

My advice for what it is worth is to call the man’s parole officer and talk to him or her and see what they sound like…don’t identify yourself by name or place but just feel this person out…then if they take this seriously, tell them your name and details and file an OFFICIAL REPORT in writing.

STALKING is a CRIME in itself, so document, and keep a record of every call attempted call and text, email, whatever…and any threats. Then call the District Attorney’s office were he lives and see if you need to file charges there, federal charges or charges in your own area where you live.

He may give up quickly and if he does I would let it ride, but if this continues, you can only fight fire with fire…if he continues and you ignore him, he will be JUST AS MAD, JUST AS INSULTED, ETC. and so I would just play it day by day. Good luck and God bless.

I agree with each persons input here as well. You must assess your situation.

Documenting evidence and saving all threats is correct and is best.

Darwinsmom has a good point with the iphones, ipods, etc. They are crafty creeps. Psycho bought daughter a touch ipod (which she promptly recorded his abuse with!! I loved that little kid) and I marched right into best buy to return it or clean it. They swept it clean but I found out if you have the serial #, they put an app from their computer to FIND the equipment!!!

I told my daughter I was sorry and took it for a year!! I had it shut off. Are we safe now that she has it back? NO.

I know you’re 3000 miles away but does he know WHERE?

Keep that secret and know murder is the taking of a life and that person who committed murder not once but TWICE has no regard for human life!! NONE.

Watch out for facebook too! I have one as an unknown 14 year old….. for necessity. My daughter is NOT allowed.

Since she has already told him that she would notify his parole officer if he sends one more message, that is exactly what she should do. Right after that she should get a protection order. When he violates that, he will be arrested and hopefully sent back to prison.

I agree that finding out what the terms of his release are, is very important. It’s possible that he will wait until his parole is over and then come back at her, so she needs to know when that will be.

Chances are if he actually had a “murder” conviction (versus manslaughter a lesser form of “killing” legally) then he might have life time or very long parole.

The thing is in Arkansas where I live for example, “technical violation” in other words doing something that violates the terms of your parole, say for example you have an 11 p.m. curfew and you violate it, over and over and over, that is a “technical” violation and they will NOT send you back to prison for that…you must commit a NEW FELONY to be sent back for parole violation.

Some states will get you for curfew violation or any other little technical violation but most will not.

Parole officers have MANY MANY clients to over see and they are sometimes overworked…sometimes wouldn’t know work if it bit them in the butt, some care, some don’t, some are smart, some dumb as a box of rocks….so you have to assess the PO as well, do they care, what are the legal things that tie their hands. FIND OUT.

When JP the guy who was in our living history group got out of federal prison for kiddie porno I KNEW WHERE HE HAD BEEN FOR 3 YEARS, but the State Parks department hushed it up as much as they could so when he got out of prison he came back to rejoin our group to work with kids AND he got a job at the state historical museum WORKING WITH KIDS….I found out one day wen I was reading theh news letter and there he was at the museum at one of OUR GROUP’S EVENTS and I went through the roof.

First, I contacted the federal court house where he was charged and got a copy of the PUBLIC RECORDS of his charges/arrest and his sentencing report, total cost 25 cents a page for 6 pages.

Then: I called the director of the museum and faxed him a copy of these records. PRESTO, JOB GONE!

Then I went to the primarily male board of directors of our living history group and said THROW HIM OUT, HERE’S PROOF OF WHAT HE DID/IS and the N-isn president said “well, he’s paid his debt to society we can’t do that” at which point I went to the female board members who sided with me that he should never be working with kids and things went down hill for JP ever after that.

He kept getting jobs with 4-H and other organizations working with kids and the information about his arrest and conviction showed up at each new employer’s mail box just like clock work.

Eventually this man shot himself, and I don’t know if it was because the public records of his crimes involving pedophilia kept showing up at every employer or volunteer group where he kept trying to work with kids or not, but if his suicide was because of that….oh, well….as Henry says.

I hope you can find some helpful advice in this handbook:

Victim Survival Stalking Handbook

iPhones did not in the past have good call blocking services available. I found one that worked to block calls – Trap Call. They are excellent for work with iPhones. Sorry to sound like a sales pitch but this service helped me provide the police evidence of my harassing calls when they were dialed as blocked numbers.

TrapCall unmasks the Caller ID of blocked and restricted numbers, blacklists harassing callers, and can even record your incoming calls. There is no software to install, and it works on any mobile phone. http://www.trapcall.com/?utm_source=bing&utm_medium=ppc&utm_term=trapcall&utm_campaign=TrapCall

I most definitely would trade your current phone in and get a new number – or put the calls on forwarding from your old phone and get a new number as he could have put a “trace” service on your phone and could in fact find you that way. No FB, no online social media as yourself. This is not a joke. These guys love to terrorize and play cat and mouse with you – until they decide they want to end it – and for some it means what it sounds like…

My wife got herself a no contact provision written into the cons provisions. of course he violated it continually and showed up at her work. she simply sent the letters to the parole dept. along with the other info as to dates and times he showed up. they ended up throwing him in jail for 90 days. then after he violated again for three months, and after she provided more evidence of it, they threw him back in prison for 20 months. she said “that isnt very long” . she had to go and sit down with his parole officer at least twice though. i have also had numerous conversations with the parole folks. dont expect them to really know in depth what they are dealing with. as professionals, they tend to think they know, and someone off the street coming in and telling them may be more than their professional ego can take. if you are reading here, you may know more than they do. be prepared for this.

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