Why am I a magnet for sociopaths?

I received the following email from a woman, whom we’ll call “Adriana,” who had been in touch several years ago about the psychopath in her life. Her experience was so outrageous that I wrote it up as one of the True Lovefraud Stories.

As you’ll see from her email, after that destructive involvement, she met three more psychopaths.

Her question is, “Why?” Read her story:

Adriana’s story

After dealing with that psychopath I didn’t date anybody for 3 years, the trauma was so hard on my trust I just couldn’t bring myself to date anybody. Finally after 3 years of healing I dated a person from my workplace; I’m a teacher. It lasted only 4 months with multiple cheating on me with other staff members and parents of students. Ghetto behavior I know ”¦ Also I was diagnosed with cancer during our period of dating and once I went into the hospital for surgery he stopped all communication. That’s it, no inquiry of my health, no contact, nothing. Okay he’s a sociopath, I figured him out and let it go, no contact.

During my year of treatment and healing I met another man at the phone store, he pursued me aggressively, calling, texting, asking for dates. Finally I agreed to date him, it was a wonderful interaction, thoughtful dates, roses, chocolate strawberries every time we met, etc. 2 months into it I received an email from another woman who described her dating him identical to mine, she said, “He’s a lunatic, he will stare you in the eyes and stab you in the back, he is a sociopath.” Her words not nine. I confronted him and he disappeared. Okay, another sociopath.

Soon after that I went to my high school reunion, 25 years. I reconnected with old friends, via FB. Another guy I dated in high school contacted me. It had been 27 years since we last saw each other, our dating was sweet and innocent, I always thought of him fondly. It turned out he lives less than 2 hours away. We started talking everyday on the phone for 2-3 hours, old feelings were stirred up in addition to new mature feelings for him, it was mutual.

I told him about my cancer, he told me about his ex wife (another old classmate I knew too), we got back together exclusively, everything was wonderful. He’d spend days in my city, I’d spend days in his city.

One day I asked him who a person was on his FB page, he flipped out on me, stated yelling and screaming, pacing the apt, sobbing I had to leave. It was like a complete 180 in his behavior. He stole things from my apt and my extra apt key. I tried to figure out what the hell was going on? Because I asked who a person was in a photo?

For weeks I tried making up with him and get my apt key back, finally I had to show up at his place unexpectedly to get my key. During this back and forth interaction he said he was bipolar but he didn’t act like he had mood swings, until that awful day. For weeks he’s been calling me horrible names, telling me he’s going to teach me I can’t disrespect him etc.

Finally I told him that he’s not bipolar he’s a sociopath, we had discussions earlier about psychopaths because his ex wife is believed to be one too. But I think he told me he was biploar to gain sympathy or pity, I really think he’s a sociopath. I’ve let him go, he’s an old friend I loved and trusted 27 years ago and for a wonderful few months we he played the part of “our 2nd chance, a blessing.” We picked up where we left off but I was blindsided with his malice and psycho behaviors.

My question for you, Donna, is why am I a magnet for sociopaths or psychopaths? After the first one I recognized all the signs. I put up boundaries with these last few men and they all turned out to be a sociopath or full blown psychopath?

Over the last 4 years I’ve done endless research on psychopaths, sociopaths, etc. I just do not understand how I could attract 4 sociopaths in a row, I am so sad, disappointed, angry, raging, how could this happen?

I’d love some insight, also I don’t mind if you post these unsettling set of stories. My friends are so perplexed that I’ve attracted 4 sociopaths/psychopaths in a row, 1 who is an old boyfriend who turned out to be the most damaging since I’m still healing from cancer.

Why did this happen?

Actually, it’s easy to answer your question, although changing your experience will take time and dedication.

You keep attracting sociopaths because you have more emotional healing to do.

Understanding the warning signs of a sociopath intellectually is one thing. Recovering emotionally from the damage they inflict upon us is another process entirely.

You are still carrying the pain, betrayal, disappointment, anger and frustration of the experiences with the sociopaths in your body. I would bet that these emotions even contributed to your cancer.

In fact, the painful emotions probably go back further than the first sociopath, because some experience, emotional pain or vulnerability had to be in place to attract the initial sociopath.

To fully heal, you need to find a way to release the energy of those emotions and pain from your body.

Tara Brach’s approach

How exactly do you do that? I’ve tried to explain the process a few times here on Lovefraud, but maybe my explanations aren’t detailed enough. So I’d like to suggest that you and other members of Lovefraud read the following web articles by Tara Brach.

Tara Brach has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is also a meditation teacher. She combines both approaches as she helps clients.

In the first article, Tara describes how a client who suffered sexual abuse as a child was able to find a path to recovery. Some Lovefraud readers may identify with the client’s experience.

The power of Radical Acceptance: Healing trauma through the integration of Buddhist meditation and psychotherapy, on TaraBrach.com. 

In the second article, Tara describes how so many of us grow up believing there is something wrong with us, and how to change that belief.

Working with our stories: An interview with Tara Brach, on TaraBrach.com.

I think Tara’s approach can be really healing. I can say that my own healing experience was similar to the approach that Tara suggests. I explain it in detail in my first book, Love Fraud.

Tara Brach is the author of a book called Radical Acceptance. I haven’t read it yet, but I want to soon.


Posted in: Donna Andersen

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I just want to say something about “getting their energy out of you/your life”. I’m sure it’s not wise to advocate revenge. However, I have personally found that if it is safe for you to do so, pushing their energy out of your system by screaming at them in public – even spaths want to look like nice guys – exactly what they’ve done to you – FACTS – is quite helpful for getting the shrapnel that they’ve left you with out of your system. Just give it back to them. I also had an experience with my final contact, which was a phone call that I made. I just sat on the phone crying my eyes out, saying very little, making him listen to it. At the same time, my body was sort of puffing up, especially round my chest and stomach (heart and solar plexus chakras – i think this is where he’d lodged his main energetic anchors to feed off me)and then I felt big pushes as if I’d pushed his energy cords out of my body – I had no conscious intention to do this, it was just what happened, sometimes your intuition really does know what to do. I believe that he felt it, as he was making his weird, pathetic whining sounds. I think he felt the faucet close off. Then I made him say to me, “I’m sorry that I hurt you, but I’ve found someone else and I don’t want to see you anymore.” This was the closure that I NEEDED. As you can imagine, it was impossible for him to say sorry, or admit that he’d hurt me, with any sincerity. But he got the words out, and the last phrase was uttered with conviction and contempt. I feel like the girl who cried wolf, but I just know I won’t see him again as the feelings of disgust are really starting to kick in. Energetically we have to get these fruitcakes out of our systems.

Read Donna Brown book Women who love Psychopaths. We are women who don’t give up, work hard, like to fix things and people, compassionate and determined to win. So we give credibility to those men who have none. We believe in them and it gives them the fuel they need to believe in themselves based on our acceptance. As well, they suck our credibility into their persona and become what we are, male version. They mimic and mock us by pretending they are everything we like and want, want and like the same things as us and then we are twin souls and will live forever together in love, baloney. Then you find out this is their enterprise, their game and they do this with every woman they [email protected]!! So realize they play you because you are the Stradivarius to their banjo. The real question is why are we not attracting the right men? Are there any out there?


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