I received the following email from a woman, whom we’ll call “Adriana,” who had been in touch several years ago about the psychopath in her life. Her experience was so outrageous that I wrote it up as one of the True Lovefraud Stories.
As you’ll see from her email, after that destructive involvement, she met three more psychopaths.
Her question is, “Why?” Read her story:
Adriana’s story
After dealing with that psychopath I didn’t date anybody for 3 years, the trauma was so hard on my trust I just couldn’t bring myself to date anybody. Finally after 3 years of healing I dated a person from my workplace; I’m a teacher. It lasted only 4 months with multiple cheating on me with other staff members and parents of students. Ghetto behavior I know ”¦ Also I was diagnosed with cancer during our period of dating and once I went into the hospital for surgery he stopped all communication. That’s it, no inquiry of my health, no contact, nothing. Okay he’s a sociopath, I figured him out and let it go, no contact.
During my year of treatment and healing I met another man at the phone store, he pursued me aggressively, calling, texting, asking for dates. Finally I agreed to date him, it was a wonderful interaction, thoughtful dates, roses, chocolate strawberries every time we met, etc. 2 months into it I received an email from another woman who described her dating him identical to mine, she said, “He’s a lunatic, he will stare you in the eyes and stab you in the back, he is a sociopath.” Her words not nine. I confronted him and he disappeared. Okay, another sociopath.
Soon after that I went to my high school reunion, 25 years. I reconnected with old friends, via FB. Another guy I dated in high school contacted me. It had been 27 years since we last saw each other, our dating was sweet and innocent, I always thought of him fondly. It turned out he lives less than 2 hours away. We started talking everyday on the phone for 2-3 hours, old feelings were stirred up in addition to new mature feelings for him, it was mutual.
I told him about my cancer, he told me about his ex wife (another old classmate I knew too), we got back together exclusively, everything was wonderful. He’d spend days in my city, I’d spend days in his city.
One day I asked him who a person was on his FB page, he flipped out on me, stated yelling and screaming, pacing the apt, sobbing I had to leave. It was like a complete 180 in his behavior. He stole things from my apt and my extra apt key. I tried to figure out what the hell was going on? Because I asked who a person was in a photo?
For weeks I tried making up with him and get my apt key back, finally I had to show up at his place unexpectedly to get my key. During this back and forth interaction he said he was bipolar but he didn’t act like he had mood swings, until that awful day. For weeks he’s been calling me horrible names, telling me he’s going to teach me I can’t disrespect him etc.
Finally I told him that he’s not bipolar he’s a sociopath, we had discussions earlier about psychopaths because his ex wife is believed to be one too. But I think he told me he was biploar to gain sympathy or pity, I really think he’s a sociopath. I’ve let him go, he’s an old friend I loved and trusted 27 years ago and for a wonderful few months we he played the part of “our 2nd chance, a blessing.” We picked up where we left off but I was blindsided with his malice and psycho behaviors.
My question for you, Donna, is why am I a magnet for sociopaths or psychopaths? After the first one I recognized all the signs. I put up boundaries with these last few men and they all turned out to be a sociopath or full blown psychopath?
Over the last 4 years I’ve done endless research on psychopaths, sociopaths, etc. I just do not understand how I could attract 4 sociopaths in a row, I am so sad, disappointed, angry, raging, how could this happen?
I’d love some insight, also I don’t mind if you post these unsettling set of stories. My friends are so perplexed that I’ve attracted 4 sociopaths/psychopaths in a row, 1 who is an old boyfriend who turned out to be the most damaging since I’m still healing from cancer.
Why did this happen?
Actually, it’s easy to answer your question, although changing your experience will take time and dedication.
You keep attracting sociopaths because you have more emotional healing to do.
Understanding the warning signs of a sociopath intellectually is one thing. Recovering emotionally from the damage they inflict upon us is another process entirely.
You are still carrying the pain, betrayal, disappointment, anger and frustration of the experiences with the sociopaths in your body. I would bet that these emotions even contributed to your cancer.
In fact, the painful emotions probably go back further than the first sociopath, because some experience, emotional pain or vulnerability had to be in place to attract the initial sociopath.
To fully heal, you need to find a way to release the energy of those emotions and pain from your body.
Tara Brach’s approach
How exactly do you do that? I’ve tried to explain the process a few times here on Lovefraud, but maybe my explanations aren’t detailed enough. So I’d like to suggest that you and other members of Lovefraud read the following web articles by Tara Brach.
Tara Brach has a Ph.D. in clinical psychology and is also a meditation teacher. She combines both approaches as she helps clients.
In the first article, Tara describes how a client who suffered sexual abuse as a child was able to find a path to recovery. Some Lovefraud readers may identify with the client’s experience.
The power of Radical Acceptance: Healing trauma through the integration of Buddhist meditation and psychotherapy, on TaraBrach.com.
In the second article, Tara describes how so many of us grow up believing there is something wrong with us, and how to change that belief.
Working with our stories: An interview with Tara Brach, on TaraBrach.com.
I think Tara’s approach can be really healing. I can say that my own healing experience was similar to the approach that Tara suggests. I explain it in detail in my first book, Love Fraud.
Tara Brach is the author of a book called Radical Acceptance. I haven’t read it yet, but I want to soon.
I was married to a pathological liar, manipulator, abuser, gaslighter and evil person
Hello
I have to comment on this article/story as the same thing has happened to me. In my opinion, I just think that anyone who has a heart and is human, can be subject to at any time, meeting a sociopath. It’s almost impossible to know in the beginning.
Number 2. The fact that we have been wounded, makes us even more subseptible to meeting another. Our vulnerabilites are our weakness’ and it’s very difficult because as humans, it’s a catch 22 as we need other humans to heal us, yet, we also become very weary of whom we meet. It’s almost like a desperation in a sense that we are giving off to some. And sociopaths can smell like a shark. I’ve became so numb to other humans, mostly male, because of the torture that I’ve gone through. I don’t trust and this has made me completely introverted and alone. Honestly, it sucks that I live this way, but I literally have break downs whenever someone becomes too close to me. I cannot be touched, and I cannot love. I’ve been sicken with anxiety and paranoia so bad that I cannot function nor work. And the worst part is no-one understands and is getting tired of me not wanting to move on. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that I don’t know how. I’ve lost my entire family recently and am all alone. I’ve gone to therapists, but it’s either too much money, nor they do not help or understand. If anyone out there has any helpful advice I’d really appreciate it. I am desperate myself to be with someone, but I am so messed up with being able to trust, that I may also be pushing away the good. Unfortunatley after dealing with a sociopath, or even two, the world becomes a very scary place…for me anyway. I don’t see things the way I used to and this is an absolutely horrible way to live. Thanks for article, I found it hit home for me as well. I totally get it, and you’re not alone. We definitely need to heal, but for me, I thought I did…and I got bit again.
Oncebitten and Adriana,
Oncebitten, do not worry because I think that many/most of us feel the same way, and for far longer than we expected. I know I felt exactly as you do, and sometimes still do when I get overwhelmed. But maybe it will help you to know that it does get better, hard as that is to believe now.
For me, it was helpful, complimentary, encouraging friends that gradually drew me out. Then, an old boyfriend, with whom I reconnected (though I definitely worried about my past blind spot to sociopaths and looked very, very hard at whether he was one before trusting him — similar to Adriana’s experience — luckily in my case, he turned out to be a good person). I also was a co-parent who became a single parent with sole custody, so I was forced to engage with others and get out of the house, like it or not. That kept me connected with others when I might have preferred to withdraw completely and live like a hermit.
It takes a lot of repeated exposure to learn to re-engage ourselves with others, feel comfortable doing so, and develop confidence it will not be used against us. It takes a long while to trust again, though I imagine we will never be as trusting as we once were.
For me, I always assumed people were generally good unless they proved otherwise. But now I know they aren’t always, that there are evil people in the world who just want to harm others for fun. My worldview is shaken, as was my power to judge people well. It takes work in understanding both healthy and sociopathic people to restore your faith in being able to determine who is good and who does not have your best interests at heart — for whatever reason, including sociopathy.
As far as how to avoid sociopaths and why they keep appearing, I do have some thoughts on that, perhaps not fully organized yet, but here goes:
We absolutely need to learn what sociopaths look like — what attitudes, what behaviors, what giveaway daily habits — they have, to learn to stay away from them. As Donna says, this can be done on an intellectual level. Reading on this site and on others concerning sociopaths or their victims gives you repeated stories. After a while, parallels emerge and you learn what to look for. I found it super-helpful to read as many books on narcissists and pscychopaths as I could get my hands on. Some have lists of warning signs, such as Donna’s book on red flags of Lovefraud, and Sandra Brown’s book on loving a psychopath and her book(s) on dangerous men. I have learned enough now that I know I am better at detecting sociopaths, perhaps not perfectly, but much better. When the reading gets too repetitive, you are getting to understanding.
There has been research proving that psychopaths are better than others at instantly picking who will make a good victim. They do it through body language, and then by what people say. Then, they test their potential victim in small, subtle ways to see whether they are gullible, needy, and vulnerable. They listen to you to mold themselves after what you want. So, learn better, stronger looking body language and do not give your wants and needs away to or trust people you have not known for a long time (perhaps years) under a variety of conditions. Build your knowledge of them, and do not trust until you have seen what they are made of. Do not make yourself dependent on them, interdependent on them, and do not support them.
But some, like a former friend or boyfriend, that you have known for a long time in the past can get past this step. Don’t skip it. I realized when learning why I did not notice that for almost 25 years I was married to a sociopath, that I had in fact known and interacted with several narcissists and psychopaths personally and professionally who had initially fooled me. In fact, I was drawn to them more strongly than usual. I had a huge “blind spot”. As I only recently taught myself to look out for these sorts, I do not give anyone I knew before that time a free pass. They all have to re-qualify in a sense.
Donna mentions that we also have to learn how to detect them on an emotional level, I would say almost a visceral level. Why do we find them so appealing? Why are we drawn to them? What do we provide that they find so appealing?
I had to examine why I was so strongly attracted to sociopaths, and why I found them so interesting and compelling. Part of that is what they do to make themselves just what we want. But part of it is what we seek out. For me, I seek intensity. I like someone very into what they are doing, generally very intent, and very into me. Unfortunately, sociopaths, especially narcissists and psychopaths, are very intense. Not all intense people are sociopaths, though. I was lucky to find someone who was very intense and also genuinely caring.
Before that, though, I did meet and date someone pretty intense, who made it very clear he liked me. He was a lot of things I look for in a man, and he was clearly interested in me and appreciative of me. He is successful and his life seemed to be going well, in general. After a few weeks, though, I began to suspect he might be somewhat sociopathic, though not nearly as badly as my ex was. I felt he was sort of halfway, with many redeeming features. Turned out after learning much more and he disclosed more that it happened that he had been tested for psychopathy using the Hare PCL-R checklist. On it, he scored as a mild psychopath on the spectrum, not that far above normal, and below the level where a lot of dysfunction is typically seen. But still, at some level, a psychopath. By this time, though, I had begun to strongly suspect this. I was wondering if I was looking too hard for that, and so seeing it where it was not there. Turned out I was right, and bolstered my faith in recognizing sociopaths. I have also recognized a couple of people who are borderline, one who was diagnosed.
Back to my old boyfriend, with whom I reconnected. I spent months looking for positive signs that he was a sociopath, and did not see them. I also looked hard for attitudes, and even more behavior since action speaks louder than words, that would be things sociopaths would never do. I saw things he did that sociopaths would not do, like sacrifice himself for the good of others, or apologize, or actually change after discussions about problems. After a long while, I began to trust that he was a genuinely good person and began to trust in him. After almost two years, I feel very sure that he is not any kind of sociopath, though a super small sliver of me realizes that he is very smart and could possibly fool me, but I realize that is most likely my past and paranoia talking, not real. However, sociopathy is not the only serious problem that can affect a person or a relationship, so I have learned to not only look out for sociopaths, but for any type of serious problem.
Again, the answer to all these possible problems is time. Time to get to know the person in a variety of contexts with a variety of people through good and bad times, through ups and downs in the relationship. In addition to the usual questions about a relationship and the usual things you look for, there are some questions and their answers that may indicate when there are problems, including sociopathy or abuse. How does he handle his problems? How does he handle yours? How do you argue and do you resolve things? How does he show he cares? Is any of that giving away too much of yourself? Do you feel he genuinely gives of himself to you? And so many more questions about how real both your love and caring are, and how you both deal with life separately and together. By waiting to see all this, I believe we can have more confidence in our relationships. Waiting long enough, we will see what obstacles or insights emerge, and how much our love holds — critically before we commit in an more irrevocable way, whatever that means to the individuals involved.
By doing all this, we will also not be so appealing to them. We will not be so giving so early. We will not give away ourselves for their benefit. We may not even amuse them enough in the ways that they want. So, to some extent, they will leave. This is what happened in the case of my seeing the somewhat psychopathic man I mentioned (before I saw my boyfriend). I did not satisfy his more psychopathic type interests, and so ultimately I did not keep his interest. He moved on, and I let him, somewhat relieved I did not have to worry about a psychopath in my life, or decide how acceptable it was to let him in even just for fun, as psychopaths can also be very amusing. It was a mutual decision, and I was happy with it.
I think avoiding attracting more and more sociopaths then involves not looking or acting like a victim (not to blame the victim, but the psychopaths themselves say this is one piece), learning to intellectually recognize their pattern in order to avoid them, learning why we are emotionally drawn to them and either changing those patterns or learning to find those attractions in non-sociopaths, and learning the relationship patience to be more sure of people before committing.
Just my thoughts and what has seemed to work for me. I have been able to meet friends and date, even when I thought I had no interest and might never have an interest, and I found someone wonderful with whom I have a significant relationship. He is not a sociopath. Take heart because it can happen.
So well written. That helped me. Thank you.
Oncebitten and Escapefor1 and Donna:
Thank you for your comments, the last 5 years has been an education in sociopathy. After the first extreme psychopath Donna referenced, I researched socio/psychopaths extensively, I spoke with many professionals including law enforcement, read books, the internet, etc. Initially, it took me a very long time to wrap my head around the existence. People deliberately lied, stole, manipulated other people? Why? That was a hard concept to understand. Once I learned all I could about sociopaths, I could pick out a sociopath without question. Family and friends couldn’t understand my sudden ability to identify a sociopath and their traits. I realized people who I thought were my friends were not, they were sociopaths it just took me some time to figure them out. I slowly backed away from them, cut them out of my life very quietly, some noticed, some did not. The ones who did notice responded in subtle ways, sent an evil anonymous email or tried to manipulate me or my job, I maintain no contact.
What I find so disturbing is that these 3 sociopaths (romantically) all came after me in different settings, one was a colleague, I saw him everyday professionally, the second sold me a phone, then immediately pursued me, I actually put him off for two weeks so could run a background check on him, the third was such a surprise, an old high school sweetheart who happens to live close to me after 27 years. I looked for the signs, I put up boundaries. The third sociopath bothers me the most, we grew up together, we dated in the past, we know all the same people and I just came off cancer treatment, I find it so unbelievable that my old friend betrayed me in such a manner.
So my struggle is, do I have to change who I am to avoid sociopaths? Should I face the world being suspicious of everyone, my answer is yes and no. I’m not going to change who I am because 4% of the population are searching for victims, however, I will be more aggressive in my position if I will allow them into my life.
I am currently in a marriage that I know hasn’t been right. We have been together for almost 7 years and I knew there was something not normal. It took me this long to really start reading on liars and when I read the definition of a sociopath, I looked for his picture. I am just beginning to learn about this so I was wanting to know if anyone could help me know if I am making the right decision. This is also my first time on here so I am not certain if I just post my story her??
If you believe your husband is a sociopath…RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!! If you are not sure share your story here and/or call the National Domestic violence center 800-799-SAFE (USA) or google your county to get the number.
Open up to your friends & family asap about what is going on and ask them to look at Lovefraud so they fully understand.
Go to your local abuse center asap and ask them for help too!!
Get an EXIT PLAN together if you are still living with him. You can find out about Exit Plan by Googling “domestic abuse exit plan”, look at the National Domestic abuse website, google “dr phil domestic abuse exit plan” and googling Domestic abuse exit plan you tube.
Get a restraining order with the help of your local abuse center do not weaver on this what so ever.
KEEP REACHING OUT FOR HELP HON, YOU ARE NOT ALONE ANYMORE…WE HEAR YOU!!
Thank you so much, it feels exciting that there is someone to talk to. I am going to share my story and see what everyone thinks that has actually gone though this.
Soconfused…for me finding this site & others just made me feel like I was not alone that their were others who understood exactly what I went through.
If you are still living with your abuser please make sure that you clear your history from your computer so he does not see that you are leaving him. It’s best if you have not left to use a friends computer or family members.
Please remember the most dangerous time for a woman in a abusive relationship is when she leaves her abuser or is planning on leaving. This is why an Exit Plan out of your relationship is so vitally important.
I forgot to let you know to do a search on the top of LF and on the net about “sociopath smear campaign” this is another reason why you want to tell your family & friends what is going on because he will spread lies to cover his tracks and he also wants to isolate you from your support network so that you will go back to him and he also wants to shift the blame to you. They are very crazy and will make your life a living hell 1000 times worse when you leave them.
You are not crazy. You are not at fault. TRUST your intuition. That voice inside you telling you to run is your instinct to survive and it will not lead you to the wrong conclusion. Make a plan to leave and prepare for whatever you will need but if a situation comes where you feel in danger LEAVE IMMEDIATELY as there is help out here and close to wherever you may be. IT DOES NOT GET BETTER with an SPATH , it gets much worse especially once they realize you are on to them. Please let us know how you are doing and what help or resources you might need. We have BEEN THERE. We UNDERSTAND.
Escapefr1 – thank you so much for your thoughtfl and detailed response. Very, very helpful.
I’d like to add another dimension to what you said. By your friends who paid you true compliments, by gradually weeding through the people you knew and by slowly meeting new people, you were advancing your own healing. So not only what you learned intellectual, but your healing, enabled you to find someone who could be true to you.
Please take a look at the Tara Brach articles that I included in the article. She explains how emotional pain and betrayal gets stuck in the body, and how allowing ourselves to feel the emotions enables us to release them. In the release we feel peace, and we’re able to change our lives.
Thanks, Donna, I will!
I have tried some Somatic Experiencing (SE) bodywork, which is good for complex PTSD. It is also based on traumatic memories getting stuck in process, in the mind and in the body, and can be done with either talk therapy or bodywork. I also found energy healing very helpful, and I routinely get other therapeutic bodywork for other reasons, which probably helps too.
I know once I allowed myself to feel once again that I went through a many months process of my emotions just coming on. Both good and bad feelings kept hitting and often tearing me up. In the end it was cathartic, and also freeing in that I could feel again.
“You keep attracting sociopaths because you have more emotional healing to do.”
I really doubt this statement is a) true b) able to be proven. It is a belief and it is a subtle form of blaming the victim in my opinion.
I am surprised to admit that I agree strongly with this statement. pop psychology always thinks we have something to repair in ourselves so we will always have something “wrong” with us. I agree though that we also store some harms within us. We may always carry our experience in some less than desirable way. Does this mean we are always going to be subject to new psychopaths? yes. BECAUSE THEY ARE OUT THERE. They act quickly on what they want to… and that’s anything and anyone.
That the writer of this article has been able to identify and leave so many potential tragedies is a testament to her strength. I hope she knows that above all and before she asks the question, “what is wrong with me?”
Let me offer a new opinion on why we are so susceptible. Many of us are empathic. we are a corollary 10% of the population. Not everyone has a high level of reading others emotions or body language as some of us do.
Many of us have spoken about “feeling” conversations with our ppath. After looking into my own feelings when the mask dropped after a 20 year marriage, I found that I was feeling feelings that appeared to not belong to me. It was almost like a foreign invasion of rage, envy, competition . . .uh oh…. things that a ppath might feel.
Oddly, when I dealt with those feelings by simply acknowledging they weren’t mine and that they needed to go away… they simply left. really weird. SO I looked further. I visited with a world renown ppath doctor and he lead me to studies on something called projective identification. ppaths are profoundly good at this and can confuse the most seasoned clinician. Specialized ppath clinicians are trained to deflect against it because it is so hard to get beyond.
Im not saying that Ppaths have some wild psychic superhuman power. We all actually did this as babies. We grew beyond the practice and they didnt.
What I have found is that WE have a very special ability to feel along with others in a way that many do not. For us it is important to embrace our ability to do that and to understand how when and where to use it. Primarily, it is OUR ability to read them from a distance and cross the street before they notice us. We simply have to learn to respect our own limbic system signals, honor them, and act BEFORE we are discovered. Let me translate that: we need to know ourselves well and honor what we feel in a way that society didnt prepare us for. Our feeling need to come first for OUR purpose.
This takes me back to blaming the victim. Women are trained to facilitate others needs, desires, and feelings before our own. Empaths are extra good at this. We don’t see ourselves as the primary authority. We also have a biological need to “submit” on some level. Don’t mistake this as giving your self away. Its not that, its only a consequence of being the receiver, the sacred vessel, so to speak. We have to give up to receive.
Add to this the cultural environment that is increasingly failing to deal with moral issues and protection of women. (I dare say we have lost about all of the progress women have made in the last 100 years.) It seems almost instant response to blame the victim. One might also note that the prison track frequently refers to “criminals” as those that have been disenfranchised through former victim blaming behaviors and lack of appropriate resolution of bullying, crimes, harms, and hurts, when actually they are the victims of someone else’s bad behavior that was left unchecked. Look at the field of restorative justice to see what I mean.
Forgive me for saying this but, an experience with a ppath is a wake up call and a blessing in the devils disguise. It signals you to individuate- to mature. It is time to embrace YOU as the sole authority among the world. You will have to do this as a thinking feeling human being AND as an animal. Start moving into your body in a profound and loving way. Take responsibility for your words and actions, live with intent, let your integrity flourish. (and I add: scream like donald southerland did when discovering a human being at the end of invasion of the body snatchers. Only you do it when you see a ppath. lol.) The bottomline here is YOU have to take control of your life in a profoundly different way. And learn to save your feeling for others for only those you chose to give that to, someone that truly deserves your compassion. Many do not and they will hang around sucking energy like vampires needing your light.
and one last thing. Stop others when you see the victim blaming and help repair the harm… the world is in sore need of teachers. Empaths can alter the environment like no one else.
When you can embody all of this, YOU have won against the Ppath. The world can restore balance, and the community you seek can flourish. You are strong, you have always known how Dorothy, just click those shoes together.
WE ARE MAGNETS FOR SOCIOPATHS. They LOOK for us. They stalk us like we are their prey because WE ARE. The only thing that surprises me anymore about them is HOW MANY there are. Once you know the traits to look out for and how to look out for the red flags that used to be invisible, it’s amazing how you learn to put up barriers to keep them away. Spaths spend their whole lives learning how to find the most vulnerable, and those of us that have that “V” trait have to learn how to wipe it off our foreheads! It’s kind of a shame that we have to force ourselves be mistrustful of people. It’s a shame we have to force ourselves to alter our true nature that is to trust and love openly. A lot of things we have had to change are a shame because of SPaths, but we HAVE to in order to survive and be able to find a “Normal” relationship. I question if I even can ever have that normality in my life. I have found that I just can’t erase that “V” off my forehead no matter how hard I try. It’s as if they can SMELL it on me or something. I can totally ignore them. I can run away from them and try my best to dissuade them and it does no good. THEY KNOW. That is why I choose to live my life alone now. Either every other man in my city is an Spath or there is something in the water that makes a greater percentage of men turn into them here. I live in Las Vegas NV and it seems as if ALL men here are Spaths ! I don’t know but to be honest I just give up. God help us all.
hahaha. in my lengthy response to dorothy, I realize I am reinforcing the idea that we need to heal. just not in the past like therapists do, but now and into our futures. Everyone tells us that we are victims. I invite you to remove the victim mask and empower yourself. YOU are a good being with lots to offer. You simply have to stop looking outside yourself for affirmation. it’s INSIDE YOU NOW.
I have the opposite question…why do I repel normal guys?
When I figure out a guy is nice and I’m interested, he’s not lol
EVERY time it happens — for the last yr. Still bringing the disordered men in like moths tho (which I quickly say byebye to). Why do normal men quickly want zero to do with me? I’m not clingy or weird. All I can figure is I won’t kiss them in a date or 2. Not interested in casual anything and I need to know someone before I know if I like them enough to kiss them lol
But I know it’s more than that as a worthwhile man won’t want to be all kissyface with me either superquick.
ARGH
aintgonnastakeitnomore
How do you know those normal guys are normal? Maybe you’re repelling creeps that you don’t know are creeps yet. Being apparently in order, doesn’t always mean emotionally sane.
Not kissing right away, won’t stop a quality guy. It may make sense at the door to say you are interested, so he doesn’t get the idea you aren’t. …but at no time feel pressured for a kiss when it’s not time for you yet. You’ll get a lot less 3rd dates without a kiss, but only with the guys that weren’t very serious to begin with. The serious ones will wait — or point blank ask if you are interested.
On if someone is nice, I look at their talk about their exs, their families, and other people. If they tell a difficult tale, but have never done quality work around it — they aren’t ready for a relationship. If they have everything ship shape, but have something negative to say about someone they shouldn’t — they aren’t ready for a relationship. I once met a woman who told me she liked her son in law more than her daughter. She was a nice, successful, pleasant person who you wouldn’t think for a second was defective. However, that little tiny passing comment that she’s probably explain away somehow — creeped me out to the core.
It’s possible you have some healing to do, and there’s something about you that knows you aren’t really ready for something right now. It’s possible you haven’t met the right person yet. It’s possible you’re over estimating the ones you are meeting. It’s possible that being direct and asking if someone is interested in getting together again, is all it takes. I wish I had a better answer. Hope these thoughts help lead to the ones that do answer your question…
the flower blooms, then the bees come.
domestic violence advocates suggest that one should know someone more than a year BEFORE thinking about engaging. That may seem like a long timeline, but it may be the time that saves your life and ultimately your investment.
spend time working on your own life. with intent, find those things that are meaningful to you that make you happy. Find a purpose to simply be nothing else but you.
when you have done that and THAT IS your focus . . . not finding another man investment so you become someone, YOU will attract something that sociopaths truly fear, A real thinking person, not just another superficial gadfly.
My husband used to note “he/she just wants a friend.” we all fall for narcissistic praise. We all love to be the center of attention in some way. WE have to give this friendship to ourselves first. In doing so, we have no need for the false friendship of a sociopath. We recognize our complete self. Then other complete beings will see us and want to know us.
Just wanted to say “thank you” to Escapefor1 for a really helpful response. It is very interesting that some of the things you mentioned I actually do practice; watching their actions, their words, etc…
I also believe that they’re different levels of maybe not only sociopaths, but different catagories or levels of evil. In other words, it’s crazy the more that I’ve learned to watch other’s behaviors, I’ve learned to see that a lot of people around me are out for themselves, or have an agenda.
Or it could be me being paranoid, but honestly I have facts unfortunately that back me up. It’s made me become very wary of whom I allow into my life. They’re might not be so many socopaths as they’re just selfish human beings. But it’s interesting that while learning about personality disorders, I’ve came across learning about various other disorders as well.
But on the bright end of the tunnel, I’ve also learned that they’re an amazing amount of wonderful people as well and just like all of us, they all have faults, too. I am not one to judge by any means, but I would never use or hurt anyone purposely. I just have a hard time understanding how people can be so cold or evil. It’s just not in my make-up. For this, I realize a lot of us victims may have this in common? For me, it’s time to really stop opening up so much…and become much more aware of who I share my life with.
Life is a learning process and I am learning every day. Thanks again Escapefor1 and Adriana, I wish you all the best and everyone else on here who is going through a difficult time as well.