Updated for 2019
Lovefraud received the following email from a reader:
Why can’t I get past this jerk? Why do I feel like there is something wrong with me? You see he dumped me for a female version of himself, i.e., drug dealer, liar, manipulator, violent — and he is stringing me along bad mouthing her to me and vice versa. Never in a million years would I think I would even associate myself with someone like that! Yet I’m beating myself up – why not me?? I should be grateful!! Why am I still pining for this creep?
Many, many Lovefraud readers have described the same confusion: I realize now that the person is a sociopath. I know he betrayed me. I know he is bad for me. But I still love him. I can’t get him out of my mind! (Please note: the sociopath may also be female.)
Why does this happen?
The sociopath hijacks the normal human bonding system. The sociopath takes needs and impulses that are rooted in our very survival, intensifies them and then betrays them. The result: Ending a relationship with a sociopath is often far more painful than a normal breakup.
Primitive reaction
The first thing to understand is that the bonds of love go very deep.
“Love relationships are held together by deep emotional bonds that were crucial to the very survival of our species,” writes Stephen Stosny, Ph.D., in his book, Living and Loving After Betrayal. “We have developed preverbal, prerational, automatic emotional reactions to behaviors and attitudes that threaten these emotional bonds.”
In prehistoric times, Stosny says, losing the kinship of the tribe meant certain death. So emotional bonds, and our reactions to losing them, are anchored deep in a primitive part of our brain.
This is one reason why losing any love relationship feels so scary — we have an ancient memory that we might die.
Romantic love is a drive
Emotional bonds also insured the survival of the human race in another way — the bonds kept parents together long enough to raise children.
Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University, and Arthur Aron, Ph.D., a social psychologist at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, have extensively researched human love and mating. They believe that romantic love is more than an emotion; it’s a motivation system.
A human motivation system, or drive, energizes and directs behavior to fulfill a need. For example, when people are hungry, they seek food. When people are cold, they seek warmth.
Fisher explains the traits that romantic love shares with drives:
- Romantic love is tenacious; emotions dissipate or change far more rapidly
- Romantic love is focused on a specific reward — the beloved
- Romanic love, unlike other emotions, is not associated with a particular facial expression
- Romantic love is exceedingly difficult to control
- Romantic love is associated with elevated activity of central dopamine
For more on this, read:
The Drive to Love: The Neural Mechanism for Mate Selection, on HelenFisher.com.
More than a feeling new research suggests love may be a drive as primal as thirst or hunger, on apa.org.
Romantic love is an addiction
Fisher also says that romantic love is highly addictive. It is associated with “focused attention, euphoria, craving, obsession, compulsion, distortion of reality, personality changes, emotional and physical dependence, inappropriate (even dangerous) behaviors, tolerance, withdrawal symptoms, relapse and loss of self-control.”
Fisher conducted studies in which people who were happily in love, or had been rejected in love, were examined in fMRI machines, which allow observers to monitor the activity of the brain.
“Those who are happily in love express neural activity in a region associated with the ‘rush’ of cocaine,” Fisher says, “and those who are rejected in love appear to have neural activity in common with those who gamble for money, risking big gains and big losses.”
For more on this, read:
‘Romantic love is an addiction,’ researchers say, on LiveScience.com.
The bonding process
When we fall in love with someone, we form a psychological bond with that person. This process starts in the beginning of the relationship when we feel pleasure.
You know what the early stage of romance is like. Both of you are doing your best to impress each other. You smile, you pay attention to each other, you spend time together, you go on special dates, you give gifts. All of this behavior plants the seeds of a psychological bond.
When you experience intimacy, the bond is strengthened. The neurotransmitter oxytocin is released in your brain and bloodstream. Oxytocin makes you feel calm, trusting and content, and it alleviates fear and anxiety. Any kind of intimacy gets the oxytocin flowing emotional sharing, physical touching and certainly sexual relations.
Your feelings of love also cause dopamine to be released in your brain. Dopamine is associated with energy and motivation. It is also associated with addiction.
If you have sex with your new partner, it creates chemical and structural changes in your brain. This is nature’s way of making two people want to stay together so that they can raise children.
Enter the sociopath
All of the processes described above are normal. But suppose your new partner is a sociopath, although when the two of you first get together, you don’t know it.
In the early stages of romance, a sociopath doesn’t just try to be pleasant, he or she engages in over-the-top love bombing. You are showered with affection and attention like you never experienced in your life. The sociopath sweeps you off your feet in a whirlwind romance. The result? You don’t just fall. You fall really, really hard.
Sooner or later, you may feel like something is wrong with the relationship. Perhaps you suspect that he or she is lying to you. Perhaps the person is “borrowing” money, and not repaying you as promised. Perhaps you discover that the sociopath is cheating. Perhaps when you confront the person, he or she threatens to leave the relationship.
For whatever reason, the sociopath’s behavior is causing you to experience fear and anxiety.
Vicious cycle
You might think that this would cause you to back off or lose interest. But according to Lovefraud author Dr. Liane Leedom, research into addiction has come up with two surprising finding:
- Once a bond is established, continued pleasure is not required to maintain it.
- Fear and anxiety actually strengthen psychological bonds.
When you’re feeling fear and anxiety, you want the relationship to return to heady, heartfelt happiness that you experienced in the beginning. So what do you do? You ask what’s wrong. You try to work things out with your partner You may even apologize for something that you didn’t do. If the sociopath is blaming the negative behavior on you, you try to convince him or her that you are loyal to the relationship.
If you’re successful, you kiss and make up, and perhaps have make-up sex. All is wonderful again. You feel relief. This, too, strengthens the psychological bond you feel for this person.
After awhile the sociopath does something else to create fear and anxiety in you, and the routine starts again. So the relationship becomes a vicious cycle of pleasure, fear/anxiety, and relief. With each turn of the cycle, the psychological bond that you feel gets stronger and stronger.
Eventually the bond is so strong that it can be difficult to escape the relationship.
Romantic rejection
But what happens if your partner rejects you?
Dr. Helen Fisher describes two phases of romantic rejection — the protest phase and the resignation/despair phase.
“During the protest phase, abandoned lovers express intense energy, heightened alertness and extreme motivation to win back their beloved,” Fisher says. This may lead to “frustration attraction” — the observation that disappointed lovers begin to love the person who rejected them even more passionately.
Eventually, the rejected partner accepts the fact that the relationship is over. This resignation/despair phase is associated with less dopamine creation, which leads to lethargy, despondency and depression.
Sociopaths are different
Everything that I’ve just explained does not apply to sociopaths. Why? Because sociopaths do not bond in the same way that people without disorders bond.
Dr. Fisher has found that romantic love is essentially the same among people of both genders, all ages, all sexual orientations and all ethnic groups. However, I haven’t heard whether she or anyone else has studied romantic relationships among people with personality disorders. My guess is that she would find significant differences.
So why, if you’ve been rejected by a sociopath, does it hurt so much? I don’t know of any research to answer the question, so I’ll extrapolate from the above information to put forth a theory.
As human beings, social connections are important to us, so rejection by any romantic partner hurts. But because of the initial love bombing, and the vicious cycle of pleasure-fear/anxiety-relief, our psychological bonds with sociopaths are particularly strong. Therefore, these bonds are harder to break, and rejection by the sociopath hurts more.
Plus, relationships with sociopaths don’t just end — usually there is betrayal involved. As Dr. Steven Stosny says, “Intimate betrayal snatches the floor of personal security from under you.” This makes the pain even worse.
What can you do?
So how do you get the sociopath out of your head? Realize that you are breaking a very powerful addiction.
If you’ve ever battled an addiction before, such as quitting smoking, you know that you have to take it one day at a time. The following strategies will help:
No contact
Make up your mind that you will have no contact with this person. That means no text messages, emails, phone calls and certainly do not meet in person. Don’t even visit the sociopath’s Facebook page.
The longer you are away, the more the psychological bond will release. But if you relapse and have contact with the person, just like with any addiction, you’ll be back at square one.
Do something new
If you’ve experienced romantic rejection, less dopamine is going to your brain. So to boost the dopamine, do something new. Novelty drives up the activity of dopamine in your brain. Your partner is still gone (which is a good thing when your partner is a sociopath), but you’ll feel better.
Make the decision to recover
It’s not your imagination — because of human biology and psychology, it is difficult to break your bond with a sociopath.
Time will eventually help you get over the relationship. But your recovery will go faster, and will be more beneficial, if you take affirmative steps to recover.
First of all, take care of yourself. Eat healthy, don’t overindulge in alcohol or drugs, exercise.
Most importantly, don’t sweep your experience under your own personal carpet. Make a decision to directly address the pain caused by the sociopath and also address whatever pain or vulnerability from your past made you susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
You’ll find many articles that can help you in the Lovefraud Archives under Recovery from a sociopath.
EFT tapping to break the addiction
Since this article was originally published on March 24, 2014, Lovefraud has added a new webinar to our catalog specifically designed to help you get the sociopath out of your head. It’s called, EFT Tapping to Break Your Addiction to a Sociopath.
So why, exactly, are these relationships so addictive? Stacey Vornbrock, MS, LPC, explains that the cells of our bodies can become addicted to the emotions triggered by the sociopath. “Emotions are chemicals,” she says. “Every positive and negative emotion you’ve ever experienced is a chemical peptide produced in your brain by your hypothalamus.
“Your cells have receptors for these emotional chemicals,” she says, “and can become addicted to a particular negative emotional chemical that is repeatedly released.”
Emotional Freedom Techniques tapping, based on the ancient Chinese meridian system, involves tapping on eight particular points on your face and body, and over time, enables your cells to release the addiction.
EFT Tapping to Break Your Addiction to a Sociopath
Fraud at first sight — seduced by a sociopathic woman and her parents
Thank you Donna,
I need the reinforcement. If you’ve seen any of my post in the last 24 hours, I’m sure you recognize my struggles. This article covers them all.
You wrote:
“During the protest phase, abandoned lovers express intense energy, heightened alertness and extreme motivation to win back their beloved,” Fisher says. This may lead to “frustration attraction” the observation that disappointed lovers begin to love the person who rejected them even more passionately.”
This is where I find myself. Thank God for the LoveFraud army! Instead of spending this day pining over my Spath, I am much more prepared to face tomorrow and I have a deeper understanding of why I am feeling so much love for him right now. I do feel lots of love and almost defensive of any negatives about him. And that’s after all he’s done. I don’t want to feel like this!
Gosh, I make myself so mad when I slip back. My whole thought process gets messed up. I need to remember!
Thank you all for the help.
Hoping to heal – You have been with your husband for many years. He has been manipulating you, lying to you, for many years. The bonds are very deep.
You are just now beginning to understand the depths of his disorder and depravity. It is going to take you some time to extricate yourself from those deep bonds, which have been in place for all of those years.
That is why No Contact is so important. It gives you the opportunity to really see what has been going on, without all of his distraction techniques. It also provides the opportunity for the bonds to dissolve.
If you do have contact with him, it gives him the opportunity to manipulate you again, which will strengthen the bonds again.
You have learned that the life you thought you were living for many years was a lie. This is a lot to wrap your brain around. So you’re not only walking away from him, you are walking away from your married life.
It will take you some time to get used to all of this. Maintain the No Contact. It is the path to healing.
Thank you, Donna.
It is a very painful process but I believe that you are correct. I’m confident that all of you who have survived have the answer.
HopingtoHeal….
I’ve been reading your posts and would also like to reply. Donna makes such valid points about the deep bond that develops. While I was not married to the spath I was involved with for almost four years, I, like you, felt I truly loved him. But I’ve learned that the person I loved was not him at all. And like you, I dealt with the lying, cheating and manipulation at the hands of this man. It was extremely hard to break away. And even when I did, it was difficult to not get sucked back in.
It has now been over two years, and I can say with no uncertainty that I have healed from this terrible ordeal and life has gotten so much better. I am now back to a healthier, stronger, more aware version of me.
This is a very difficult process to go through. I found No Contact to be the best way. It’s not easy and for me the process was not quick. But it truly is so well worth moving on to a healthier, happier life!
Stay strong my friend. Those of us here on LF know what it feels like and are happy to help out.
carolann
Thank you cannh. Your words are comforting.
HopingtoHeal – First of all, you WILL heal. You’re on the path, and you will continue to get better.
Donna’s points are correct, of course. Maybe a bit of perspective will help. Keep in mind that sociopaths don’t care about you at all, only what they can get from you or get you to do. That’s it as far as they are concerned. You might want to repeat that a few times.
Virtually all sociopaths understand something that a normal person would never do – that one extremely powerful way to increase another person’s desire for them is to dump the person. Sociopaths understand intellectually – not emotionally – what this does to you. They’ll do it over and over and over, because it’s virtually always effective – until the dumped person realizes they are being played, and then the power of the trick drops very fast.
Donna is correct – break all contact – do NOT give in to the opportunity for anyone to ever mistreat you ever again. You – and everyone – deserves much better treatment.
Recognize that you are being used for what someone can get from you, and that’s all they are interested in. Period. No one deserves to be treated like that. No one. You’ve already left, now stay away, and work on healing.
Thank you russconte.
I learned early on in my recovery that I had to treat it just like detox from an addiction and everyone I have coached since then, that’s what I’ve said. The habits and tendencies must be replaced with others and your thinking has to be retrained. It took a while, especially since I was ensnared for 28 years, but I was determined. The journey through “detox” was well worth the work.
This posting was an ah-ha moment! I now have a much better understanding about my love addiction (self love defect).
It never made sense that I s/b so attracted to someone who clearly disregarded my feelings and questioned my character whenever I confronted him about his lies…but I was. Refusing to address issues, he’d immediately flip my questioning by LOUDLY proclaiming that something must be wrong with ME for questioning anything he had said/done…maybe I needed to realize that I was the one with a problem. His tactics (as in war maneuvers, not conversation) always shut me down!
Duh!…he was playing to my weaknesses…he recognized that those were fighting words! He was pushing my buttons to distract me from continuing the conversation. I would always end up defending myself…and my original questioning would always go unanswered.
Defending that I was not mentally defective became my main goal. My desire to prove this kept playing out with each confrontation (definition of insanity…doing the same thing and expecting a different result)…with the same frustrating unanswered results.
Every confrontation left me cowering in retreat. I’d try to stuff my questioning to keep the peace, but I have ADD…and eventually I’d blurt things out…with the same results. To avoid fruitless (for me) confrontations, I even tried playing the scenarios out in my head…all the way through to where I would end up frustrated and rejected. I focused on how to properly phrase my issues. Another tactic he used was to refuse to answer me because my wording was too confrontational towards him…huh? BULLSHIT!
It seems that my need to prove myself (over and over and over…)resulted in my questing my self worth. Crap!
Sheeesh! This post sure was an eye opener as to why I’ve hung in there!
THANK YOU, Donna.
I’m right there with you IMconfused. These last two days have really opened my eyes to who I am. I can’t believe the level of manipulation that I have allowed to be put on me. Even yesterday, I was feeling extreme love for this predator and defending that love, and I had just caught him cheating. Somehow he turned it around on me.
I’m not sure who posted this advice, maybe Stargazer or Nomoretears, but someone posted that if you’ve been cheated on you should be REALLY mad. That anyone and everyone who is betrayed like that should be so angry and get away. I believe that, but I didn’t react that way.
No, I listened to the words that “I drove him away”, “Please stay married to him, that he could forgive me for all I’ve done” (what have I done.) “he is confused of who he loves more-her the new victim, or me wife of 23 years”. I am so mentally exhausted that those words seem true to me.
Thank God for all of you who pushed me yesterday! I’m so serious, I was almost to the point of bending and giving in, no matter what he asked for. Your advice and prodding, and a good nights sleep has set me on the right path again.
I looked on line and found a practical guide for overcoming addiction. It is perfect for my situation, today, I’m getting a new clean notebook and I’m going to start the steps and start listing the bizarre evil events of our marriage. I’m going to make myself remember …no matter how bad it hurts.
I’m one day closer, thanks to y’all. As my son would say, “you are some good eggs”.
Good luck…you can do it!! Dont believe the lies. We all deserve to be loved an respected. I hate to say this but after 23 years I doubt this was the first time he strayed either….I had NO IDEA my husband was cheating. And with people I knew as well. It came as a shock. Since they dont think they are doing anything wrong, they dont act guilty…so its hard to see.
I had the same experience with my husband everytime I tried to confront him…
” he’d immediately flip my questioning by LOUDLY proclaiming that something must be wrong with ME for questioning anything he had said/done”maybe I needed to realize that I was the one with a problem. ”
It became so laughable that I finally figured out this was BS. I still was the one to go to therapy after he hit me not him as he suggested I should go. When I told him he needed anger management and couples therapy to stay together he replied, “Me what about you. Of course, its always me. What about you. You should go to therapy. It takes two you know.” Like you I kept trying to be a better wife, person and relived out conversation over and over in my brain driving myself nuts. he on the other hand, immediately recovered and quickly moved on to his next activity glib, smiling and happy like nothing happened. AHHHHHH.
I think it’s very important to keep reminding yourself that the man you love does not exist. This was a true turning point for me, when I finally realized it wasn’t my fault and my image of what I wanted him to be and reality differ greatly. Any time I thought of him, and the imaginary person I had made him out to be in my mind, I would quickly do a reality check. It was my decision to forgive myself and move on. This is no easy feat by any stretch of the imagination. Donna’s books were my bible. I read and reread them many times, with a yellow highlighter in my hand, highlighting the passages that most accurately described my ex husband. I am a true believer in what Donna wrote. I got through it and now, I’m happy to say, I’m in a great relationship. You will know when you are ready.
“the man you love does not exist”
That’s all you need to see to be free from him. The bond is based on his ability to play a fake person. The moment you see it, he looks like an evil clown.
Rousingly agreed, Rochelle! If you can get past the fact that this person is not a person, does not exist, anyway you can possible grasp that concept, it will help to break the addiction. You used the word “imaginary.” I remind myself that the spath in my life was my Imaginary Lover. Remember that song? The words are so perfect. We never had a physical relationship or even a date; he was the perfect Imaginary Lover.
Great article but what it all boils down to is trying to deal as best you can with the fallout from an experience with a being who is 3 yrs old emotionally. This is another “go-to” for me. I saw this in the spath in my life many times and you can believe I wondered what the hell he was talking about and why he sounded so off-the-wall. It was all about instant grat, lack of impulse control and inability to empathize, feel anything but for himself and lack of conscience. He used to flirt and say many amazing things to me and I was starstruck, absolutely filled with all the love chems, etc. It had been decades since I felt that way and where I don’t like the obsessiveness of that feeling or the forgetfulness that always ensues, I was floating. It completely wiped out my usual anxiety and fearful way of looking at life and allowed me to focus on him and his healing, comforting ways, when he chose to display them. Most of the time he wasn’t “available”.
We worked together and nothing ever came of our “friendship” except for his insane comments about going away together and/or how I was perfect in his eyes. I didn’t understand why he was coming on so strong with a much older and married (I’m ashamed to say) woman, someone who could rat him out to his superiors, so many unanswerable questions! But I didn’t care. I figured if he was willing to put himself out there, he must really care! OMG!!
I noticed that among his many personas, he had an edge to him. He was always right, in his quiet way and just disregarded anything I said that he didn’t agree with. Would mumble his retorts. As well, if I told him I didn’t understand why he was so highly complimentary of me w/out hardly knowing me at all, he would get frustrated. I was confused but he came into my life at a time when I desperately needed a “mental oasis,” so I took all of his garbage, knowing he was nuts. I told him so and made of joke of it. I did not realize the truth in that assessment. He pushed the right buttons and I was definitely addicted to the perfect Imaginary Lover.
I also caught a glimpse of his behavior with his child. The worst and the child did something to me that was pretty heinous. Spath did not even reprimand him or tell me he was sorry for the child’s behavior. These are the kinds of things I pushed out of my consciousness. I hate myself for it. I should have reamed him out for allowing his kid to behave that way to me. Not trying to sound selfish here. Any decent or sane parent would have immediately spoken to their child for the child’s own good, explaining that we don’t behave that way and to apologize to Ms Reeling. Later, if he were sane, he would have once again apologized to me and even explained that perhaps his child was a little ADD or upset w/his miserable marriage, etc., so they were trying to cut him slack. His never bringing this up again was such a huge red flag among so many others that were waving in my face. You can ignore a ton when the chems are in charge.
I want to say as I pretty much always do when I comment that my experience still haunts me and there wasn’t anything to it. Had I been younger, he may have pursued me more avidly but I think he had other things in mind for me. Who the hell knows?
My heart goes out to anyone who married, had kids or was in any kind of long term r.ship with a path. I am in awe of you and your efforts to recover. Just know these are not human beings and remember as Rochelle and others have said, “They do not exist,” so you are mourning an Imaginary Lover.
You have ALL my admiration and best, heartiest wishes for strength, healing, peace and happiness as you move out of the quicksand and into the sunshine. I mean it sincerely.
Hoping…It won’t change. Ever. I have gone back many times and it has gotten worse every time. The insane lying, conning, manipulating, etc. It’s absolutely an addiction. For the few good feelings you get when you go back remember the “100” bad things he did to you (that you know of). I personally have decided that I don’t want to live one more day of my life like that, much less the rest of it. You have literally become desensitized to his behavior and in the process kind of numb. As with any addiction….don’t give in and use the drug.
Just reading these articles and comments is so helpful to recovery from intimate betrayal. I cant believe how often the phrase “to a t” has passed through my brain while reading these articles. I also have the book referenced which I find helpful (although there are lots of written exercises).
The first part of the article rang true for me on all counts. My ex hubbie of 15 years is now with a 23 year old stripper who shares an addiction on pain pills with him.
We share 4 children and I am having trouble with the NO Contact. Advice? Should I just do everything alone and stop asking for his help with rides, science projects etc. Most of the time he doesnt show up, we fight, he enters my home and it starts all over agin. He helps himself to food, critiques my home, yard, dinner choices, asks me to use my camera, computer whatever it is….
We separated 3 years ago and I wish I had this site then. I didnt know he was a sociopath however (until a couple months ago when his current girlfriend told me about all his double life stories cheating with “too many women to remember” etc.). During our separation he kept asking me for loans, to help tow his car, get the boot off his car, make his resume, borrowed my second car and totaled it. You know with sociopaths they ALWAYS have some situation they need help with. And its like a dark shadow follows them around-at least in my case.
Lastly (besides needing advice on NO CONTACT), I want to add that another reason the break up is hard is because they dont experience the sadness, or missing you (or the kids) emotionally in a normal way. It continues to just be about their needs to be fed, get money and have sex. After my ex hit me I was the one who needed therapy not him and when i found out about his cheating (after we split) he didnt feel bad, ashamed or anything at all. Just annoyed he was caught. For me, this has been the hardest part – that he never felt bad about what was going on with our split…just annoyed he had to deal with stuff he didn’t feel like dealing with (and very begrudged about not getting the house).
I agree Jenniferjojo,
It’s hard to watch them cheerfully go along their merry way while we deal with the mess of a life that is left behind. It’s sickening and hard to grasp even when we logically know that they are incapable of true emotions. My husband is the reflection of a party boy, girl magnet that is always on top of the world. Happy, happy, happy. But in reality, he’s not feeling the joy, only pretending.
After I caught him cheating recently, he apologized and called me baby, said I was his wife and he was confused. Then he broke down and wept. He cried hard and for a long while. I admit that I felt bad for him. BUT caught myself and readjusted my attitude for the moment.
A dear friend, who has 20/20 vision of who he is, asked me that night “If you hadn’t caught him with that woman, would he be crying tonight? NO! He would either be LoveBombing you, or blaming you for something. He’s not crying because he’s sorry, he’s crying because you messed up his plan.”
She’s right. But I still fall for the bs if I hear it. NC means not hearing. That is helping me.
Hoping to heal…my two cents on the crying is acting. What better way to distract from the real issue. My ex did this many times starting 20 years ago and ending the day he hit me 3 years ago. Please don’t waste any more of your life. I wish I knew about sociopaths then, I would have POSSIBLY been able to navigate the lies, manipulation and general bullshit that constantly leaves one married to an spath feeling like something just isnt quite right.
You are lucky to have found this site.
Please take all of our advice. The more time you invest the harder it will be to recover. Because part of that is you will blame yourself (even though you shouldn’t) for not seeing the signs. Im in that phase now. I found out 3 months ago about ALL the affairs and escapades… even tho I have been divorced since November. First 2 months were really hard. 3rd month was ok. ow I am back is a very bitter, resentful, MAD phase I think at myself and him. Not fun or easy.
Jenniferjojo-
You say:”Should I just do everything alone and stop asking for his help with rides, science projects etc. Most of the time he doesn’t show up, we fight, he enters my home and it starts all over again. He helps himself to food, critiques my home, yard, dinner choices, asks me to use my camera, computer whatever it is”.”
I lived through the same thing…until I became angry enough to set down some boundaries!
Write him a note explaining that he must respect that this is no longer his home. He may NOT enter unless YOU personally invite him inside. Tell him that he is not to use the children as foils to get his way. You are the adult…he must have your permission…period! He is not allowed to remove anything or eat food from your refrigerator. If you need to use a restroom, there’s one at ___Gas Station. Also advise him that you’re sending dated copies to each attorney…(your’s too…and keep a copy for your paper trail.)
Fold the note in half and, if necessary, have one of your kids hand it to him…just make sure he receives it.
Regarding doing everything for the kids w/o help from him…mine purposefully told me he would not help…I wanted custody, so it was my job to fail w/o him!
I recommend that you do what you can 4 Ur kids. If there is a conflict, let them know that you’ll try to help, but there are some things that moms have difficulties doing. You could mention to “ask dad…he is better at that than I am”, but be prepared that Dysfunctional Dad will likely accuse you of trying to manipulate him by using the kids as pawns in your “evil” scheming.
He doesn’t show up…had that too…even on one Christmas Day…support your kids…tell them you know they must be disappointed…it’s OK to feel badly…you sure would. Broken promises s/b between dad and the kids….let them sort things out between themselves.
Not showing up was about controlling me…if he thought that I might have plans, not showing up was a way to punish me. Tell the kids you’re angry…he’s inconsiderate…you wish he’d just think about the everyone elses’ feelings.
Explain to them that UR upset, but it is solely because of dad who has chosen to brake a promise…they are not at fault.
Regarding NC…keep all contact kid related. If at all possible, have the kids tell him what they need and keep talking w/dad to a minimum. And when you do talk, keep it short and sweet…and stay on point! Refuse to participate in any conversation that belittles you…stop him in mid sentence…and say bye!
Just my 2 cents…and sometimes you get what you pay for! (grin)
JenniferJoJo – Sociopaths make terrible parents. If they take an interest in the children at all, it’s not because they care about the children, it’s because they want other people to believe that they care about the children. Or, they look at the children as some kind of trophy. If the kids are smart, accomplished, athletic, etc – it reflects well on the sociopath.
In all honesty, the less a sociopath is in your life or the children’s lives, the better off everyone will be – even if you have to do it yourself.
Do NOT let him into your house at all. If he has a key, change the locks. You know when he is supposed to pick up the kids. Have them ready and send them out the door. If it is not his time to pick up the kids, he shouldn’t be at your house.
I agree with Donna’s comment. There is absolutely no reason to allow a sociopath into your life unless you absolutely have to. And then you can keep the contact as brief and businesslike as you can. If you give them one nanosecond of your life, they will use that to try and manipulate you or exploit you. It’s their number one agenda and they are very successful, even with people who know what they are. I don’t see any good that can ever come of it. If they seem helpful, it is only because they want something.
It’s one thing to prove you *can* be around a sociopath without falling prey to their manipulation. It’s another thing to willingly choose to do that unless you absolutely had to.
Jenniferjojo,
I was wondering the age of your children. I know that at first, before I recognized who I was really dealing with, I encouraged my daughter to be supportive of her dad and to return his occasional text. She opposed the idea but obeyed me. Now that I know he’s a Spath, I let her make her own decision when to have contact and she rarely does. Also, she is old enough to drive so when they have plans, she meets him at the movie or a restaurant. I don’t want him at the house, but more importantly, she and I are both uncomfortable with her being alone with him.
I’m sure it’s very tough when you share younger children. But knowledge is power and awareness can help protect you.
I fight the urge to be “fair”. He makes me feel guilty if I keep him away from our marital home and lays guilt on me for not letting him move freely in the home if he is ever there. However, I am confident that keeping him away is the safest way for my daughter and me to live.
Maybe if you mentally play out his possible reactions if you refuse to let him in the home or allow him to borrow your possessions, then maybe you will feel more comfortable saying NO TO HIS REQUEST. My Spath husband ALWAYS retaliates, but I’ve learned to expect it and to at least be mentally prepared as much as possible.
I hope that helps.
This is the first time I disagree with you, Donna. Actually I totally disagree with your conclusions. Let me explain you why.
I was very addicted to the sociopath, we all know what that is, but I was very addicted to him till one day: the day I saw him as a sociopath. My bond, therefore, was not based on any of the argumentations you say, my bond was because I still believed he was the person I met first, the person in his loving face. Believing that he owed some of the qualities he had showed me in the first period was what kept me hoping to be with him.
That’s why I disagree with the no contact policy, unless you think your life is in danger or that you are in risk of believing his lies, go back to him to see his real self. You will not like it, and you will be free.
Cath
Catherine, You make a good point…”Believing that he owed some of the qualities he had showed me in the first period was what kept me hoping to be with him.” (wishing/believing kept you hooked)
“I was very addicted to him till one day: the day I saw him as a sociopath.”…good 4 U! How awesome! Unfortunately, I can’t say we both had the same reaction.
Your reaction reminds me of my grandfather. One day he decided to stop drinking alcohol (he was an alcoholic)…he abstained for the rest of his life…maybe another 16 years. One day he decided to stop smoking cigarettes (he smoked 4 packs of Lucky Strikes every day)…he never smoked again. So, I assume there are others who also have the fortitude to recognize an addiction an immediately stop “playing w/ matches”. Unfortunately not everyone has your ability to immediately turn off their emotions and/or go NC when they recognize that something/someone is toxic.
I was raised to give others the benefit of a doubt. I think myself out of believing what I know must be true…because I MIGHT BE WRONG. Perhaps I don’t have all of the information needed to eliminate someone from my life…what if I misjudged…what if I drew a wrong conclusion…he says it’s not true…how do I know 4 sure…I wouldn’t want to throw out the baby with the bath water and then discover I made a knee jerk decision…something has got to have been real/true, doesn’t it…am I really that bad a judge of character…what about the time when…yada-yada. I’ve learned to assume that I’m the one to doubt…not the person who clearly has cheated and lied to me! I tend towards second guessing myself, regardless of any obvious alarms of DANGER…High Voltage, Keep Away, STOP, etc…How sick is that?!!
I agree that not everyone needs to go NC, but for those who struggle with self doubt, I think that Donna is correct. Allowing/forcing yourself to abstain from any future involvement with an oppressive and self defeating relationship/situation (going NC) might be a healthy start towards regaining self reliance, removing self doubt, and ultimately taking back personal power.
My goal is to one day be confident enough to recognize and stand up against perps w/o allowing them an inch of squirm room.
IMconfused,
As you know, I ignore the danger signs too. I was raised as you were, to give others the benefit of the doubt. I still do even though the outside world sees this person clearly, I have trouble doing so.
Do you ever worry that your experiences with the Spath will prevent you from ever having that innocence and freedom of trusting other? At this point, I am hypersensitive and can see a “bad side” in everyone, some deserved and some not so much. I can see that’s going to be a huge hurdle for me. Does that concern you?
HopingToHeal,
At your stage of shocking realization, I did worry about becoming so jaded that I’d never trust anyone again.
Today, I absolutely HOPE that my REALIZATION of experiences with my Spath will prevent me from ever having that innocence and freedom of trusting another…that’s what got me sucked in more than once! It’s about time I learned to not be so gullible.
I failed to realize that my first husband (of 15 yrs) had been a real nightmare (had always assumed things were my fault, as he always told me). After living as a single parent for nearly 11 years following my divorce from #1, I married #2. Calling him #2 …that’s perfect!
More than a decade after divorcing #1, problems w/ #2 caused me to start experiencing flash backs of scenes from my first marriage. I slowly realized that my horrid experiences with spouse #2 were similar repeats of my first spouse. I eventually figured out that my first husband had done far worse things than I had ever suspected…maybe everyone around me knew…but I certainly was clueless.
Because I failed to acknowledge there was even a remote possibility of all of the awful things #1 had done to me and our kids, I unwittingly signed up for even more of the same behavior by marring #2!…Arrrgh!
I’ve paid dearly for my education, and sure hope I’ve learned something that will help me to make better decisions in the future!
I also think that you should not be so tough with yourselves about ignoring the danger signs. At the beginning I think that it is healthy to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. Otherwise we will end up as paranoids! (As you say “I am hypersensitive and can see a “bad side” in everyone”)
What we have to be aware of is when we are not talking about the healthy benefit of the doubt anymore, so to say, when we have enough actions of the Spath to make a case against him. That is the important moment; we pass from being normal good people to people obsessed in someone goodness though we have enough proofs to get rid of him for good.
The alarms are good, but not to act on them but to remember them in case they sum up one day. That day is when we should rethink with who we really are.
I found that I saw what was going on and stopped giving him the benefit of the doubt. I questioned everything and you know how that goes…lol. I found that I didn’t give him the boot as fast as I should have because I couldn’t PROVE anything. I was stuck on that….what if I make a mistake, what if he’s really not lying? Others have said on here and now that I’ve been through this nightmare, I wholeheartedly agree – you do NOT have to prove anything…just the fact that you’re questioning so much is ENOUGH to end the relationship. I will never make the same mistake again.
Oh, no, I’m sorry if I made it sound like stopping from an addiction, my point was the opposite. I don’t think I would ever be good quitting an addiction actually. This had nothing to with discipline but with something we reach to see that changes your how we perceive him.
My point is that he is an addiction to us as far as we still believe that he is a good guy. And we are pretty stubborn on that, even if he does things that are not ok, we excuse him, because we believe that deep inside he can’t be that bad. But the day we see that he is actually that bad, we don’t go back for more. Not because he is noxious to us but because we don’t want him. (Of course, this doesn’t apply with chemical substances because they do always have an artificial positive effect in or brains, but he is not a drug.)
“I was raised to give others the benefit of a doubt.” “Perhaps I don’t have all of the information needed to eliminate someone from my life”what if I misjudged”
This is exactly why I think that we are hooked: the doubt on his goodness.
There are two ways to end that:
1. The slower but permanent, it is to get enough information. At some point, if we are really interested in how he is and we don’t go back to him like religion believers, we can be able to spot his method of operation. And we will be able to determine beyond reasonable doubt how he is.
2. The fastest, we stop for good not knowing enough. We accept that to know people it is not easy, that not everybody has to be in our lives, that to eliminate someone is not like a punishment and that we have the right and it is good for us to eliminate those who make us more unhappy than happy.
In 1. we value more to know than our time. In 2. we value more our time than to know.
Option 1 was the option I chose, but if this would be happening to me again I would go for option 2. Life is too short to spend so much time in people who don’t behave properly with us, whether they are evil or not, it is not us to judge, we might rather judge if they are good or bad for our lives. But as I say, this is my opinion after being through option 1.
Catherine,
I think your point is very valid. You suggested two options how to take in the information that the one we love is not a good person:
You advised-
“1. The slower but permanent, it is to get enough information. At some point, if we are really interested in how he is and we don’t go back to him like religion believers, we can be able to spot his method of operation. And we will be able to determine beyond reasonable doubt how he is.
2. The fastest, we stop for good not knowing enough. We accept that to know people it is not easy, that not everybody has to be in our lives, that to eliminate someone is not like a punishment and that we have the right and it is good for us to eliminate those who make us more unhappy than happy.
In 1. we value more to know than our time. In 2. we value more our time than to know.”
I went with number 1 also. Had I just walked away without all the hurtful, yet enlightening information that I’ve come to know this year, then I would forever be drawn back to him by my doubt that he could really be so bad.
I also agree that number 2 is a faster more direct way to work through the process, but for me, it would not have brought the peace that I am finding as I go through each step! making the wrong decision over and over. Maybe it’s stubbornness that has kept me with him so long, and the breaking of my will to stay is a tougher process so I need to “see” it a little at a time as I readjust to an alternate future.
Very good point Catherine.
HopingToHeal,
But now that you did the whole 1. process (Maybe some of us need to proof it once) wouldn’t you also take 2. next time? (Hoping there is no next time, of course)
Awesome!! this is EXACTLY what I meant above about not having to PROVE what they’re doing. It’s not worth it. If they are making you miserable who cares if you have proof! Like you, I won’t make that mistake again. 🙂
We should keep what we have learned 🙂
Yes, it is very much like an addiction to be entangled with a kook. And they very much enjoy creating that “slow burn” chaos of self doubt that you feel when their psychological warfare worms it’s way through the recesses of your mind.
And like a horrible addiction, given the time and opportunity, they will eventually destroy you and everything dear to you. Wasting resources, evaporating good feelings, destroying anything of goodness and value to them, is winning. Losing is winning to them. That’s why we call them “losers”!
The kook who kept harassing and intimidating me in an attempt to make me capitulate and invite him back around for another swing at kicking me to the curb, got served a steady diet of No Contact and me reporting him to the police upon each attempt to contact me.
His schmoozing and b.s. routines weren’t working on me anymore so one of his most recent statements was that he was going to “ruin” my life on other levels, presumably, social.
We work in the same industry and in his mind, workplace bullying (whether he knows that it is dubbed as such is unknown) is his little leverage tool to get me to capitulate like the pathetic idiot he’s sure I am.
But like any horrible addiction that you’ve finally expunged from your life, I have fully decathected from any form of enticement or baiting that he can come up with. I have just gone through a hellacious bout of workplace bullying that could be sourced in him but either way, it’s good to know that I’ve fully ditched his evil machinations and he’s only useful as a horrible living case study of WHAT WENT WRONG.
And, oh, the PTSD! Never underestimate the PTSD that is a result of their assault upon your very essence! Be good to yourself! No one deserves abuse! These kooks are abusive and soul-wrenching like a noxious poison! It’s a long and very grueling path out of the gaping teeth of hell that tries to destroy everything of value and goodness in our lives, and it’s the path to which we must adhere in order to step away from the madness of the disordered personality!!
I withdrew from my “crack” cocaine like experience with a psychopathic husband of almost 20 years.
It’s been three years since he moved in with his last victim and left my shattered remains in our bankrupt 3000 square foot home.
I survived. I am doing so much better than three years ago. I share my story and experience of recovery with other victims and encourage them to move forward and learn from living with this anti-Christ evil on earth. We are the victors and our lives will never be the same, but in a good way.
All the best to all of you recovering from this horrendous emotional experience. Stay in peace with God and you will heal.
Hey, you got a 3,000 sq ft home! I had to move into a 1 br apt after my ex stole my bank account , he then bought a mansion with money he stole from me as well as my mother. She is now in a 1 br apt as well.