Updated for 2019
Lovefraud received the following email from a reader:
Why can’t I get past this jerk? Why do I feel like there is something wrong with me? You see he dumped me for a female version of himself, i.e., drug dealer, liar, manipulator, violent — and he is stringing me along bad mouthing her to me and vice versa. Never in a million years would I think I would even associate myself with someone like that! Yet I’m beating myself up – why not me?? I should be grateful!! Why am I still pining for this creep?
Many, many Lovefraud readers have described the same confusion: I realize now that the person is a sociopath. I know he betrayed me. I know he is bad for me. But I still love him. I can’t get him out of my mind! (Please note: the sociopath may also be female.)
Why does this happen?
The sociopath hijacks the normal human bonding system. The sociopath takes needs and impulses that are rooted in our very survival, intensifies them and then betrays them. The result: Ending a relationship with a sociopath is often far more painful than a normal breakup.
Primitive reaction
The first thing to understand is that the bonds of love go very deep.
“Love relationships are held together by deep emotional bonds that were crucial to the very survival of our species,” writes Stephen Stosny, Ph.D., in his book, Living and Loving After Betrayal. “We have developed preverbal, prerational, automatic emotional reactions to behaviors and attitudes that threaten these emotional bonds.”
In prehistoric times, Stosny says, losing the kinship of the tribe meant certain death. So emotional bonds, and our reactions to losing them, are anchored deep in a primitive part of our brain.
This is one reason why losing any love relationship feels so scary — we have an ancient memory that we might die.
Romantic love is a drive
Emotional bonds also insured the survival of the human race in another way — the bonds kept parents together long enough to raise children.
Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University, and Arthur Aron, Ph.D., a social psychologist at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, have extensively researched human love and mating. They believe that romantic love is more than an emotion; it’s a motivation system.
A human motivation system, or drive, energizes and directs behavior to fulfill a need. For example, when people are hungry, they seek food. When people are cold, they seek warmth.
Fisher explains the traits that romantic love shares with drives:
- Romantic love is tenacious; emotions dissipate or change far more rapidly
- Romantic love is focused on a specific reward — the beloved
- Romanic love, unlike other emotions, is not associated with a particular facial expression
- Romantic love is exceedingly difficult to control
- Romantic love is associated with elevated activity of central dopamine
For more on this, read:
The Drive to Love: The Neural Mechanism for Mate Selection, on HelenFisher.com.
More than a feeling new research suggests love may be a drive as primal as thirst or hunger, on apa.org.
Romantic love is an addiction
Fisher also says that romantic love is highly addictive. It is associated with “focused attention, euphoria, craving, obsession, compulsion, distortion of reality, personality changes, emotional and physical dependence, inappropriate (even dangerous) behaviors, tolerance, withdrawal symptoms, relapse and loss of self-control.”
Fisher conducted studies in which people who were happily in love, or had been rejected in love, were examined in fMRI machines, which allow observers to monitor the activity of the brain.
“Those who are happily in love express neural activity in a region associated with the ‘rush’ of cocaine,” Fisher says, “and those who are rejected in love appear to have neural activity in common with those who gamble for money, risking big gains and big losses.”
For more on this, read:
‘Romantic love is an addiction,’ researchers say, on LiveScience.com.
The bonding process
When we fall in love with someone, we form a psychological bond with that person. This process starts in the beginning of the relationship when we feel pleasure.
You know what the early stage of romance is like. Both of you are doing your best to impress each other. You smile, you pay attention to each other, you spend time together, you go on special dates, you give gifts. All of this behavior plants the seeds of a psychological bond.
When you experience intimacy, the bond is strengthened. The neurotransmitter oxytocin is released in your brain and bloodstream. Oxytocin makes you feel calm, trusting and content, and it alleviates fear and anxiety. Any kind of intimacy gets the oxytocin flowing emotional sharing, physical touching and certainly sexual relations.
Your feelings of love also cause dopamine to be released in your brain. Dopamine is associated with energy and motivation. It is also associated with addiction.
If you have sex with your new partner, it creates chemical and structural changes in your brain. This is nature’s way of making two people want to stay together so that they can raise children.
Enter the sociopath
All of the processes described above are normal. But suppose your new partner is a sociopath, although when the two of you first get together, you don’t know it.
In the early stages of romance, a sociopath doesn’t just try to be pleasant, he or she engages in over-the-top love bombing. You are showered with affection and attention like you never experienced in your life. The sociopath sweeps you off your feet in a whirlwind romance. The result? You don’t just fall. You fall really, really hard.
Sooner or later, you may feel like something is wrong with the relationship. Perhaps you suspect that he or she is lying to you. Perhaps the person is “borrowing” money, and not repaying you as promised. Perhaps you discover that the sociopath is cheating. Perhaps when you confront the person, he or she threatens to leave the relationship.
For whatever reason, the sociopath’s behavior is causing you to experience fear and anxiety.
Vicious cycle
You might think that this would cause you to back off or lose interest. But according to Lovefraud author Dr. Liane Leedom, research into addiction has come up with two surprising finding:
- Once a bond is established, continued pleasure is not required to maintain it.
- Fear and anxiety actually strengthen psychological bonds.
When you’re feeling fear and anxiety, you want the relationship to return to heady, heartfelt happiness that you experienced in the beginning. So what do you do? You ask what’s wrong. You try to work things out with your partner You may even apologize for something that you didn’t do. If the sociopath is blaming the negative behavior on you, you try to convince him or her that you are loyal to the relationship.
If you’re successful, you kiss and make up, and perhaps have make-up sex. All is wonderful again. You feel relief. This, too, strengthens the psychological bond you feel for this person.
After awhile the sociopath does something else to create fear and anxiety in you, and the routine starts again. So the relationship becomes a vicious cycle of pleasure, fear/anxiety, and relief. With each turn of the cycle, the psychological bond that you feel gets stronger and stronger.
Eventually the bond is so strong that it can be difficult to escape the relationship.
Romantic rejection
But what happens if your partner rejects you?
Dr. Helen Fisher describes two phases of romantic rejection — the protest phase and the resignation/despair phase.
“During the protest phase, abandoned lovers express intense energy, heightened alertness and extreme motivation to win back their beloved,” Fisher says. This may lead to “frustration attraction” — the observation that disappointed lovers begin to love the person who rejected them even more passionately.
Eventually, the rejected partner accepts the fact that the relationship is over. This resignation/despair phase is associated with less dopamine creation, which leads to lethargy, despondency and depression.
Sociopaths are different
Everything that I’ve just explained does not apply to sociopaths. Why? Because sociopaths do not bond in the same way that people without disorders bond.
Dr. Fisher has found that romantic love is essentially the same among people of both genders, all ages, all sexual orientations and all ethnic groups. However, I haven’t heard whether she or anyone else has studied romantic relationships among people with personality disorders. My guess is that she would find significant differences.
So why, if you’ve been rejected by a sociopath, does it hurt so much? I don’t know of any research to answer the question, so I’ll extrapolate from the above information to put forth a theory.
As human beings, social connections are important to us, so rejection by any romantic partner hurts. But because of the initial love bombing, and the vicious cycle of pleasure-fear/anxiety-relief, our psychological bonds with sociopaths are particularly strong. Therefore, these bonds are harder to break, and rejection by the sociopath hurts more.
Plus, relationships with sociopaths don’t just end — usually there is betrayal involved. As Dr. Steven Stosny says, “Intimate betrayal snatches the floor of personal security from under you.” This makes the pain even worse.
What can you do?
So how do you get the sociopath out of your head? Realize that you are breaking a very powerful addiction.
If you’ve ever battled an addiction before, such as quitting smoking, you know that you have to take it one day at a time. The following strategies will help:
No contact
Make up your mind that you will have no contact with this person. That means no text messages, emails, phone calls and certainly do not meet in person. Don’t even visit the sociopath’s Facebook page.
The longer you are away, the more the psychological bond will release. But if you relapse and have contact with the person, just like with any addiction, you’ll be back at square one.
Do something new
If you’ve experienced romantic rejection, less dopamine is going to your brain. So to boost the dopamine, do something new. Novelty drives up the activity of dopamine in your brain. Your partner is still gone (which is a good thing when your partner is a sociopath), but you’ll feel better.
Make the decision to recover
It’s not your imagination — because of human biology and psychology, it is difficult to break your bond with a sociopath.
Time will eventually help you get over the relationship. But your recovery will go faster, and will be more beneficial, if you take affirmative steps to recover.
First of all, take care of yourself. Eat healthy, don’t overindulge in alcohol or drugs, exercise.
Most importantly, don’t sweep your experience under your own personal carpet. Make a decision to directly address the pain caused by the sociopath and also address whatever pain or vulnerability from your past made you susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
You’ll find many articles that can help you in the Lovefraud Archives under Recovery from a sociopath.
EFT tapping to break the addiction
Since this article was originally published on March 24, 2014, Lovefraud has added a new webinar to our catalog specifically designed to help you get the sociopath out of your head. It’s called, EFT Tapping to Break Your Addiction to a Sociopath.
So why, exactly, are these relationships so addictive? Stacey Vornbrock, MS, LPC, explains that the cells of our bodies can become addicted to the emotions triggered by the sociopath. “Emotions are chemicals,” she says. “Every positive and negative emotion you’ve ever experienced is a chemical peptide produced in your brain by your hypothalamus.
“Your cells have receptors for these emotional chemicals,” she says, “and can become addicted to a particular negative emotional chemical that is repeatedly released.”
Emotional Freedom Techniques tapping, based on the ancient Chinese meridian system, involves tapping on eight particular points on your face and body, and over time, enables your cells to release the addiction.
EFT Tapping to Break Your Addiction to a Sociopath
Fraud at first sight — seduced by a sociopathic woman and her parents
Can someone give any tips on how to maintain the No Contact while having 4 kids together? Just cut and dry? Dont let him in the house? No face o face? Im having a step backwards moment and maybe it would be better if I didnt see him. I find myself everyday thinking evil thoughts about one of his lovers who I knew as a “friend” for years. I need to accept that she was just weak or evil too. IDK. Also picturing them in a hotel over and over while I was away with our 4 young kids. Im in a rut…I wish i could just appreciate my kids and what I have now instead of feeling so MAD.
Jenniferjojo,
I think the most powerful tool I use for NC is that I realize that the control has been shifted to me and it’s empowering. They will use anything to talk to you, especially the children. I’d say if there has to be contact, then make it text. Take a week and slowly go from voice calls to text, not email. Then do just text. And make those less and less. Think over the things you Must discuss during the week and cover them all at one time.
sometimes, there is a part of us that longs to hear from them. It makes us feel validated, but it only validates the fantasy. What you felt like you had with him, the special connection, he never felt it. These people can move from person to person to person and “love” them all. It’s fake. They don’t love anyone but themselves.
It’s really hard not to think of the hurtful actions and replay them over and over. Being a good person and mom, you are just trying to reason it out and understand….help the pain. While we all do it, and it does help in the healing, If you are like me, it also gets your anxiety all stirred up and can make you feel helpless.
A friend suggested this technique to me and I will admit it is helpful. She said when you begin to ponder those awful, hurtful stories……yell to yourself “STOP” or wear a rubber and on your arm and snap it when those thoughts come to mind.
Once you stop the thought process, redirect to something else. This is where I had trouble, until I began my plan to get out, get away, and move on. Now, when I have no contact I don’t think of how much I miss him, I think of what I can do since I don’t have to put up with him. I read it here all the time – LIVING WELL IS THE BEST REVENGE. Truthfully , since they only care about control and they lose control when you live well, then this statement is correct.
I wish that the healing time could speed forward for you, but a life that created four babies is a pretty tight bond on your part, and the betrayal will take a lot of time to get past. He’s a sorry loser, and your children are blessed to have a wonderful mom who loves them. You did not deserve to be treated this way!
Hugs, and it’s ok to be MAD,
I feel for you. It must be so heart wrenching when you have 4 children. You need to focus on those precious kids and yourself. Don’t waste any thought on him. He is not worth any second of your time. I know it sounds easier said than done. Believe me I was there. I only have one child, he was 17 at the time we were discarded. I was exactly doing the same. I was constantly thinking about what I have lost, how he could do that to us when he claimed he loved his family. It still makes me sick to my stomach knowing that I prepared his lunch for work. Instead he went to her house and came home the next morning acting like he worked his deputy overnight shift. It still makes me a little upset thinking how easy it was for him to lie in my face. But you know what, it does get easier. After more than a year, yes I am still hurt but I do not cry anymore. There is no hate or anger. Just nothing I have left for him. In the long run he is the one who lost everything at the age of 46. He lost his home, his son, his respect , his integrity, basically his entire life. Knowing this gives me comfort to go on. Yes, I might not live the same “standards” that I am used to. But I am alive and most importantly I put an end to it by filing for divorce. I need to show my only child that it is not ok to hurt loved ones like this and not face any consequences. I thank God every day my son is nothing like his father.
The no contact has saved us our peace and sanity. I don’t know how you would do the no contact with minor children in common. That’s very difficult I imagine.
Goid luck and I am sorry for your pain. But keep your head above the waves even when you are in deep waters 🙂
My ex wanted me back and still does while keeping his status displayed as single and behind my back trying for a girl in my building. We both have broke up since 6 months now and i have maintained no contact but even now it becomes a desperation to see his fb profile or statuses.
I know I want to get over that guy but he lives in my colony. Among his friends he has done smear campaining.And after all this he still stares at me and loiters around me. He had recently put up statuses for me asking for forgiveness and confessing his love, I did not pay heed to it,and after a few days I realised he was trying to hook the new girl as well as me through the statuses.He has no idea that I know about this rebound of his.This continuosly keeps me hooked on.I cant have him off my head for a minute.I am obsessed.And theres no use of trying to get over, he is still seen sometimes when I get out of my house. What to do.This is getting on my nerves!!!
Thankyou for the support. Only you all know how all this feels like really.I am and will try my level best for coming out of this.I desperately wait for the day when he passes by and I feel nothing at all about it.All this is just because of the huge void that he has created that makes me yearn for the attention.Now suddenly it feels terrifying to know he can go out there and fall for someone else and give them that attention that I once had. And then I cant even get him back for whatever I want. This had never happened before.Infact this was my 1st relationship and im 19.
OK.This has to get over.Afterall its just a game he’s trying to play.I wont give in to his moves.It will take time,but it sure has to stop at once.
Maybe something like this can help you in your situation. When I left my ex-the sociopath, no contact was difficult. We had a child together. Over time what I found helpful was changing how I thought about the relationship. The way I looked at it, he was playing a game trying to draw me into drama – which I had amply provided for him for six years, and I was trying to not play the game by not being drawn into drama.
I dreaded his phone calls. My anxiety would go through the roof. He would try to push buttons and take me places I did not want to go to. He would remind me of the place he gave me in society. His phone calls could be as victimizing as his actions and I had to break that cycle.
From that day forward, for me, our “relationship” was strictly BUSINESS. It became about the business of managing the life of our child. From that time on, any phone call or email was evaluated and responded to as a business deal. The business of managing the life of our child.
He would say and write inflammatory things. He was trying to bait me. I was trying to stay out, so I would focus on the business aspect of management.
He would say something like,”I’m going to take MY son camping this weekend. I want to make sure that you are going to be on time. I’m tired of having to wait around for you to show up with that jackass you are spreading your legs with. I always knew you were a slut.” This is an example of a tame one. He had lots of creative names and descriptions for me.
My answer would be to count to three or five if need by during which I was focusing on the words that pertained to our son and the business at hand. “I intend to meet you at the designated place at the designated time.”
It sounded, even to my ears, robotic at first. Eventually, even though he would ramp up the nastiness, I remained flat and focused on the business of managing the life our child.”
I had post-it notes on every phone I answered with calming and inspirational words like… “You do not have to talk to this person.” “It is OK to delay if I am not in the right mindset for this.” “It’s about the business of managing our child.” “Focus on the business.” “Don’t play his game.”
This went on for two full years. I thought I might lose my mind in the journey. Anytime I goofed in responding to the drama he was trying to create, I would remind myself that it’s a process. I would record and transcribe all of our phone conversations (this was before email and texts) which I would mail to him certified, return receipt, giving him three days to dispute the content of the conversation. By creating the document and giving him a chance to dispute it, I made the recording admissible in court.
Over time, it got easier and became natural for me. I didn’t need the post-it notes and my anxiety level went way down.
Eventually, a judge terminated his parental rights to our child,in part based on the contents of my transcripts. The ex could not stop himself from showing his true colors while I remained focused on the best interest of our child.
After his parental rights were terminated, he went away and found new targets for his twisted sociopathic desires.
Long story short… I was no longer “fun to play with”. I took away his power by not responding to the buttons he was trying to push. I got my life back and was able to protect my son.
Srujata
You will get there one day. I am surprised at myself how I feel nothing now towards him. I was married for over 20 years and seeing him in court is like nothing now. At the beginning I was so nervous, my heart racing , sometimes breaking out in a rash when I had to face him in court. The truth is my attorney faced him, not me. And that gave me confidence and strength. After a few times in court I went in there with my head held high and I was so much better than that piece of sh…. Who threw is family away like a bag of weekly garbage.
Now I am in control. He can write as many e mails as he wants to. My son and I will never respond. Because we have a choice. The same choice he had when he dispose of us.
Kaya48
It is really heart wrenching to see so many cases of lovefrauds all over. Why do these people even exist on earth! x-(
Yes I know I have to be there one day.
I started nc 6months ago. Its all my mind that creates mess.I will have a control on it.
Thanks for sharing ur experience.
Regards 🙂
Apologies to Everyone here on Lovefraud. I posted something the end of last week and it has been deleted. I am assuming I wrote something that didn’t feel right to some of you.
For anyone who I offended I am truly sorry. I never want to rub anyone the wrong way here at Lovefraud. I am guessing my post was to abrupt.
I truly apologize.
Slim
Slimone…are you sure it has been deleted? Perhaps it is just in a different place than you thought? I don’t remember anything out of line at all. You are still great in my book! 🙂
Slim – nothing has been deleted. Maybe it’s on another thread?
Yaa your reply to my first post got deleted it seems.But there was nothing wrong about it.It is perfectly apt and true to the situation.I have infact saved its screenshot for reading whenever I feel low. 🙂
OH good! I am not losing my mind! And, I am so glad it didn’t hurt you, or make you feel bad. I see that you are 19. The good news about that is you are learning something that many of us didn’t even begin to understand until we were MUCH older.
I know it hurts. I know it feels SO invalidating. Again, remember, it is NOT about your worth. It is ONLY about him being mentally ill. No matter what other people believe about him, you KNOW what he is capable of. And it is NO GOOD.
Hang in there, and keep coming here for support.
Slim
Jenniferjojo-
Bets’ description of how she managed her ex is a great example for you! It’s rooted in the “Gray Rock” principle which means “behave as blandly as a gray rock.”
Her “all business” approach drove home the concept that he could not expect to get a rise out of her. As a result, he got bored and looked for stimulation and entertainment elsewhere.
In addition, she indicated how she obtained proof of his behavior so that the court was not mislead by his charm.
Along with addressing the legal link to a predator, parents must also counter the impacts of manipulation that their children are subjected to. Providing the child, if old enough, with books on the subject can build the knowledge needed to empower them. And it can also be extremely helpful to consult a therapist who is familiar with family relationships that involve a character disordered person. By doing so, your kids can see that you’re not alone in your perceptions of the other parent.
Joyce
Slimone
Oh yes.There was a time when I was considering myself a bitch.I was doubting myself.But after knowing about sp, things resolved in my mind everything got clearer.Now its just about accepting, moving on.
Some things happen to prepare us for future encounters with such sp’s. And now I have almost done a research on them that I can avoid such people to be there in my life ever.
Dear Donna,
Can a sociopath be ‘asexual’?? I think that the man I have been seeing for 3 years is a blend of a Cerebral Narcissist, a Peter Pan and a Sociopath!..He’s got the whole package. He is 45 years old, still lives with his 86 year old mother and complains about the system, the enviroment and the people who he feels they’re all responsible for not being able to get a job…Oh yes, he is also unemployed for the past like..10years! He is very inconsistent with everything in his life and now I believe he is also lazy! He inherited 300,000 Euros (not $)and wasted it ALL! Of course, he still complained it was because he ”was so depressed and did not have the right support to be more wise with his money”….. He prefers isolation and is a negative person although he enjoys good humor. Even if we do go out, somehow he wont be happy unless he finds something negative to talk about. On the other hand, he has confused me because he can be so sweet talking and supportive every time I need the emotional support-(I have major family problems of mine).
At first, he was very sexually active with me. After about 4 months into the relationship he started losing interest. He would give me different excuses each time. Also, he does NOT want to age and when he looks at me he tells me what an angel I am and tells me that I will never age either….He will give me compliments and he is not a cheap skate-he loves to spend-when he has or had the money. Each time I would advise him to be careful with his money he would ask me to ”trust him on this” and that one day ”he will win huge money playing the stock market”…
We havent had sex for 6 months straight and the 3 years we have been together, the times we had sex are easily countable!!!……..
He is addicted to his pc and plays Facebook video games while chatting with his unemployed buddies. He’d rather sit on his pc for hours or watch a movie with me (or without) than have sex with me……..I am fit and good looking. I decided to stay in the relationship because I thought he was sincere. Sincerity is something I never had in my relationships with other men and so thinking he is very sincere and honest, I thought to give him a chance. I am starting to think he is a mama’s boy and that he might have the Madonna/Whore complex and sees me more like his sister or best friend…. I almost lost my self with this man. As I am writing this to you I am making plans to leave him and will leave him ‘very quietly’……
I would really appreciate your input and opinion though on his sexual behavior towards me. Btw, I am 40 and have the feeling he prefers younger women with perfect bodies. I have seen him how he looks at me undressed and observes my imperfections. He has rejected many times my initiations for sex (he does not like to initiate sex) and I decided to stop. Now, I dont even want to have sex with him even if he begged me for it and I sleep alone.
Odysseia – some sociopaths withhold sex as a method of controlling their partners. Maybe that’s what he is doing with you.
One woman told me she did not have sex with her husband for 17 years – she thought he had a physical problem and she would just have to accept it. The entire time he was having sex with other women.
Thank you Donna for your reply!
I guess you must be right, though when I confronted him he denied that he is trying to ‘break me’ in any way.. Of course, there’s always an excuse like ‘if I had money we’d be having sex all the time’, or ‘you’re nagging me so you have become anti-erotic to me’, or ‘it’s the crisis and the way the world is going- I have no motivation’…etc etc etc..
I would also like to tell you that he is lazy in bed. Although he has a good ‘tool’ (please don’t mind me for being blunt) he wont put it to use. I have spent many nights crying by myself thinking I must not be exciting enough to him or simply getting to be unattractive. He prefers provocative women and I am not the provocative type and neither does he bring out my feminine side…I bought some nice lingerie and have not wore them once! He has rejected me many times. Another thing, he has spent quite a good amount of money to brothels in Amsterdam, Holland a few years before he met me. Amsterdam is notorious for its exciting brothels. For a man to prefer going to prostitutes this means to me that he likes receiving-and NOT giving…
Also, he does not have sex with other women. I know this because he’s home all the time and I live on top of his home in a studio apartment. As I am writing this to you, he is downstairs playing video games in facebook with his 3 unemployed buddies! How do I know?? I caught him once when I went downstairs to get something from the storage room and he has become so ‘comfortable’ that he does not suspect that I will catch him sometime! I even videotaped him last night! He does not know and I havent told him yet. This is mostly for me. A validation for his time wasting pitiful life. I do believe though, that if he had the money he would have cheated on me because he’s the type that gets bored very easily-especially in sex.
I have tried many things but my instict never failed me- I only have failed my instict. Once he told me that If I were younger he would be having sex with me more often! He contradicts himself all the time and I am stick of his drama queen theatricals. I called him on his cell yesterday and he answered annoyed for being interrupted of course! I asked him what was wrong and he replies in a depressing tone..”well, you know, the money issue-it depresses me as always..”! Meanwhile, he was laughing his heart out with his buddies on the pc!
Dear Odysseia
my experience is different but this is what happened to me…My spath was engaged for several years, and had other women too(me and the ex fiance talked, she took back her phone she bought for him and found this info). Well he kept giving me bacterial vaginosis(because he was having multiple partners)I couldn’t get rid of it for 2months, I was tired of having to take antibiotics, beside it not being good on my body. And the jerk, all the while just let me take them and keep sick to hide his lies-this incites me to no end. Well he kept being “Let’s just stop having sex” “maybe there is something wrong with me” We would argue and he would give me his spath death stare and I thought he was just acting worried. Well he didn’t mind not having sex because he was getting it other places. I swear that is definitely spath jerk mentality!!! I look back now and can’t believe that I didn’t put 2 and 2 together. But like Donna says, and what is written above in the article, he love bombed me and created this bond that I thought he was being a good boyfriend to me. Boy was I wrong.
We started having sex again, with protection, but then we stopped and guess what I got… bv again. When his ex fiance unloaded the truth this weekend, I confronted him via text that he needs to get himself checked out and to stop giving this to whomever he is seeing, he kept ignoring that part and just telling me that “I am no lady” and that “We were both so stupid”. It was just salt in my wounds.
My advice, do you really want to go on with this man and not feel sexually compatible? You are in your prime and you deserve a man who wants to be intimate with you. What I read is just not normal. Like Donna says, he is using it to control you and/or his addiction to porn is enough for him, and it could be a mixture of both. Take back your sex life, you deserve better and healthy sex is an important part of any relationship.
Dear downwitfakerastas,
Thank you for your advice. We are most definitely incompatible. But, he is not having sex with other women either. Though, he stares at other women-usually trashy looking and provocative-that’s the type he prefers. He picked me at a time when I was vulnerable I guess. He’d rather spend his time playing video games on his pc – 24/7 if possible..than have sex. This guy is not well in the head. I am taking back my sex life and my life in general. No more losers-enough of them.
Oh yeah, I didn’t mean your guy has other partners, I was just trying to show that when they go long periods without sex or have ways of avoiding it, there always seems to be something underlying behind the reason-multiple partners, too much porn, physical problems, lack of being able to be intimate, etc…..
Oh for sure! This guy has no physical problem at all actually…But he got used to be serviced all the time so why bother with the effort?..Also, I honestly think these kind of men are misogynists-they couldnt care less how to satisfy women or if they do, it will be short term only-just to win them. I was recalling how he would cry his eyes out for me when he’d sense that I am going to leave or when ever he felt insecure for some reason towards me. And now? He couldnt care less!
Odysseia ,,,,,,, I could have written some of your post almost word for word except for the working part Spathtardx does actually work……..he spent as little as possible and sexually, he could rarely be bothered to get off his back. In other words I serviced HIM. Sex(orgasm) is not THAT important or easy to me so at first I didn’t mind and throughout the entire relationship I enjoyed pleasing him sexually but I did want his to do things that would build trust and interest, in between the sheets, and gave him many suggestions which he basically ignored despite his repeated declarations of how much he wanted to make me happy. Whatever…..worst lover I have EVER been with. Hello?? He would fall asleep unless I wasn’t doing him but I’m sure that was all fake anyhow. AH
Anyhow, I just wanted to say this about the asexual question. !!!YES!!! Asexual, Bisexual, sexsexual……….they would do their mother, sister, dog if they would let them!! My belief is that they would have ANYONE who would have them, male, female, animal, vegetable, mineral, and if someone won’t have them they will manipulate them INTO having them.
I also believe they prefer and are addicted to masturbation, which is all I was to him,,,,,,talk about LAZY!
dorothy2…that was mine. He was brilliant, but very lazy. The only thing that mattered to him was control, power and getting what he wanted. After he got the sex, he was disinterested. He also absolutely preferred masturbation to actual sex and I believe he was addicted to it. Think about it…it doesn’t take any work, right?? It’s much easier to just get yourself off than to be with a partner…too messy and too much work. You were exactly right as far as the one I knew was concerned…if someone didn’t want him, he manipulated them into wanting him…100%!!! Crazy. But then they lose interest. It’s all about the conquest since there are never any “real” feelings there.
SER, this also sounds like ‘my’ guy. He is also brilliant-very smart indeed but his EQ is awful. He loves the chase for attention and once he gets it the interest for sex also vanishes! These men are also narcissists.
I found this great article on Cerebral Narcissists(http://samvak.tripod.com/journal21.html) who work with their intellectuality and prefer to stay celibate or masturbate until they find someone who will capture their interest only to lose it again. They are emotional vampires. It’s a good thing I am not in love with him- I love him as my best friend sort of thing and getting out wont be hard.
Odysseia…I have read things from Sam before. Thanks for this link. It totally sounds like my ex…swinging back and forth between cerebral and somatic. Messed up. Very messed up.
Yes they are very messed up! I am starting to believe all this might stem from a mother/son dysfunctional relationship. My guy has a very unstable relationship with his mother. He shouts and yells at her, breaks things in the house and then feels sorry for her..But, she also raised him to feel sorry for her and now he resents her.
Odysseia……disfunctional mother relationship?? Spathtardx has THAT all going on!! I actually think that she was in on the whole game and his sister as well. Now that the blinders are off the tells just pop out of the woodwork. One right after the other. I just discovered another one today and it’s been over a year since we broke up, but about a year since NC. What a sorry sack. You know, Spathtardx was really smart too but really, pretty much of a life waste idiot. and I would never EVER give them credit for being good at this (even though I’m thinking it might be the ONLY thing he excels at)……….it’s not that they are good at this or anything for that matter, it’s just that people are ignorant about their existence. Thats why I’m so thrilled Donna is on this show tonight. It may reach some people who have NOT been victimized. Those are the ones who need educated about these pigs……people who come on sites like this have already learned the hard way.
Odysseia…oh, yeah…my ex did not like his mum…didn’t get a long with her. There is absolutely a connection with the mothers there…they don’t really like women. He loved men, but didn’t like women at all…didn’t respect them and only liked them for what he could get which was mostly sex. Sick.
I hear you 100% Dorothy! My guy is also LAZY and easily would fall asleep anytime! We had morning sex only once! He prefered to sleep than have sex. I caught him many times when he’d be sleeping while holding his penis instead of touching me! For sure, these kind of men prefer to masturbate than learn how to be good lovers. They prefer to receive not give. Since I decided to stop sleeping with him it’s been a lot better for me. It would hurt me so much to have a man sleeping next to me and ignore me as a woman. I think he has low self esteem and wants to control me this way and break me to lose my self esteem. In reality I think he is a misogynist. Men who love their women-money or not-try to make the best of every moment with them.