Updated for 2019
Lovefraud received the following email from a reader:
Why can’t I get past this jerk? Why do I feel like there is something wrong with me? You see he dumped me for a female version of himself, i.e., drug dealer, liar, manipulator, violent — and he is stringing me along bad mouthing her to me and vice versa. Never in a million years would I think I would even associate myself with someone like that! Yet I’m beating myself up – why not me?? I should be grateful!! Why am I still pining for this creep?
Many, many Lovefraud readers have described the same confusion: I realize now that the person is a sociopath. I know he betrayed me. I know he is bad for me. But I still love him. I can’t get him out of my mind! (Please note: the sociopath may also be female.)
Why does this happen?
The sociopath hijacks the normal human bonding system. The sociopath takes needs and impulses that are rooted in our very survival, intensifies them and then betrays them. The result: Ending a relationship with a sociopath is often far more painful than a normal breakup.
Primitive reaction
The first thing to understand is that the bonds of love go very deep.
“Love relationships are held together by deep emotional bonds that were crucial to the very survival of our species,” writes Stephen Stosny, Ph.D., in his book, Living and Loving After Betrayal. “We have developed preverbal, prerational, automatic emotional reactions to behaviors and attitudes that threaten these emotional bonds.”
In prehistoric times, Stosny says, losing the kinship of the tribe meant certain death. So emotional bonds, and our reactions to losing them, are anchored deep in a primitive part of our brain.
This is one reason why losing any love relationship feels so scary — we have an ancient memory that we might die.
Romantic love is a drive
Emotional bonds also insured the survival of the human race in another way — the bonds kept parents together long enough to raise children.
Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a biological anthropologist at Rutgers University, and Arthur Aron, Ph.D., a social psychologist at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, have extensively researched human love and mating. They believe that romantic love is more than an emotion; it’s a motivation system.
A human motivation system, or drive, energizes and directs behavior to fulfill a need. For example, when people are hungry, they seek food. When people are cold, they seek warmth.
Fisher explains the traits that romantic love shares with drives:
- Romantic love is tenacious; emotions dissipate or change far more rapidly
- Romantic love is focused on a specific reward — the beloved
- Romanic love, unlike other emotions, is not associated with a particular facial expression
- Romantic love is exceedingly difficult to control
- Romantic love is associated with elevated activity of central dopamine
For more on this, read:
The Drive to Love: The Neural Mechanism for Mate Selection, on HelenFisher.com.
More than a feeling new research suggests love may be a drive as primal as thirst or hunger, on apa.org.
Romantic love is an addiction
Fisher also says that romantic love is highly addictive. It is associated with “focused attention, euphoria, craving, obsession, compulsion, distortion of reality, personality changes, emotional and physical dependence, inappropriate (even dangerous) behaviors, tolerance, withdrawal symptoms, relapse and loss of self-control.”
Fisher conducted studies in which people who were happily in love, or had been rejected in love, were examined in fMRI machines, which allow observers to monitor the activity of the brain.
“Those who are happily in love express neural activity in a region associated with the ‘rush’ of cocaine,” Fisher says, “and those who are rejected in love appear to have neural activity in common with those who gamble for money, risking big gains and big losses.”
For more on this, read:
‘Romantic love is an addiction,’ researchers say, on LiveScience.com.
The bonding process
When we fall in love with someone, we form a psychological bond with that person. This process starts in the beginning of the relationship when we feel pleasure.
You know what the early stage of romance is like. Both of you are doing your best to impress each other. You smile, you pay attention to each other, you spend time together, you go on special dates, you give gifts. All of this behavior plants the seeds of a psychological bond.
When you experience intimacy, the bond is strengthened. The neurotransmitter oxytocin is released in your brain and bloodstream. Oxytocin makes you feel calm, trusting and content, and it alleviates fear and anxiety. Any kind of intimacy gets the oxytocin flowing emotional sharing, physical touching and certainly sexual relations.
Your feelings of love also cause dopamine to be released in your brain. Dopamine is associated with energy and motivation. It is also associated with addiction.
If you have sex with your new partner, it creates chemical and structural changes in your brain. This is nature’s way of making two people want to stay together so that they can raise children.
Enter the sociopath
All of the processes described above are normal. But suppose your new partner is a sociopath, although when the two of you first get together, you don’t know it.
In the early stages of romance, a sociopath doesn’t just try to be pleasant, he or she engages in over-the-top love bombing. You are showered with affection and attention like you never experienced in your life. The sociopath sweeps you off your feet in a whirlwind romance. The result? You don’t just fall. You fall really, really hard.
Sooner or later, you may feel like something is wrong with the relationship. Perhaps you suspect that he or she is lying to you. Perhaps the person is “borrowing” money, and not repaying you as promised. Perhaps you discover that the sociopath is cheating. Perhaps when you confront the person, he or she threatens to leave the relationship.
For whatever reason, the sociopath’s behavior is causing you to experience fear and anxiety.
Vicious cycle
You might think that this would cause you to back off or lose interest. But according to Lovefraud author Dr. Liane Leedom, research into addiction has come up with two surprising finding:
- Once a bond is established, continued pleasure is not required to maintain it.
- Fear and anxiety actually strengthen psychological bonds.
When you’re feeling fear and anxiety, you want the relationship to return to heady, heartfelt happiness that you experienced in the beginning. So what do you do? You ask what’s wrong. You try to work things out with your partner You may even apologize for something that you didn’t do. If the sociopath is blaming the negative behavior on you, you try to convince him or her that you are loyal to the relationship.
If you’re successful, you kiss and make up, and perhaps have make-up sex. All is wonderful again. You feel relief. This, too, strengthens the psychological bond you feel for this person.
After awhile the sociopath does something else to create fear and anxiety in you, and the routine starts again. So the relationship becomes a vicious cycle of pleasure, fear/anxiety, and relief. With each turn of the cycle, the psychological bond that you feel gets stronger and stronger.
Eventually the bond is so strong that it can be difficult to escape the relationship.
Romantic rejection
But what happens if your partner rejects you?
Dr. Helen Fisher describes two phases of romantic rejection — the protest phase and the resignation/despair phase.
“During the protest phase, abandoned lovers express intense energy, heightened alertness and extreme motivation to win back their beloved,” Fisher says. This may lead to “frustration attraction” — the observation that disappointed lovers begin to love the person who rejected them even more passionately.
Eventually, the rejected partner accepts the fact that the relationship is over. This resignation/despair phase is associated with less dopamine creation, which leads to lethargy, despondency and depression.
Sociopaths are different
Everything that I’ve just explained does not apply to sociopaths. Why? Because sociopaths do not bond in the same way that people without disorders bond.
Dr. Fisher has found that romantic love is essentially the same among people of both genders, all ages, all sexual orientations and all ethnic groups. However, I haven’t heard whether she or anyone else has studied romantic relationships among people with personality disorders. My guess is that she would find significant differences.
So why, if you’ve been rejected by a sociopath, does it hurt so much? I don’t know of any research to answer the question, so I’ll extrapolate from the above information to put forth a theory.
As human beings, social connections are important to us, so rejection by any romantic partner hurts. But because of the initial love bombing, and the vicious cycle of pleasure-fear/anxiety-relief, our psychological bonds with sociopaths are particularly strong. Therefore, these bonds are harder to break, and rejection by the sociopath hurts more.
Plus, relationships with sociopaths don’t just end — usually there is betrayal involved. As Dr. Steven Stosny says, “Intimate betrayal snatches the floor of personal security from under you.” This makes the pain even worse.
What can you do?
So how do you get the sociopath out of your head? Realize that you are breaking a very powerful addiction.
If you’ve ever battled an addiction before, such as quitting smoking, you know that you have to take it one day at a time. The following strategies will help:
No contact
Make up your mind that you will have no contact with this person. That means no text messages, emails, phone calls and certainly do not meet in person. Don’t even visit the sociopath’s Facebook page.
The longer you are away, the more the psychological bond will release. But if you relapse and have contact with the person, just like with any addiction, you’ll be back at square one.
Do something new
If you’ve experienced romantic rejection, less dopamine is going to your brain. So to boost the dopamine, do something new. Novelty drives up the activity of dopamine in your brain. Your partner is still gone (which is a good thing when your partner is a sociopath), but you’ll feel better.
Make the decision to recover
It’s not your imagination — because of human biology and psychology, it is difficult to break your bond with a sociopath.
Time will eventually help you get over the relationship. But your recovery will go faster, and will be more beneficial, if you take affirmative steps to recover.
First of all, take care of yourself. Eat healthy, don’t overindulge in alcohol or drugs, exercise.
Most importantly, don’t sweep your experience under your own personal carpet. Make a decision to directly address the pain caused by the sociopath and also address whatever pain or vulnerability from your past made you susceptible to the sociopath in the first place.
You’ll find many articles that can help you in the Lovefraud Archives under Recovery from a sociopath.
EFT tapping to break the addiction
Since this article was originally published on March 24, 2014, Lovefraud has added a new webinar to our catalog specifically designed to help you get the sociopath out of your head. It’s called, EFT Tapping to Break Your Addiction to a Sociopath.
So why, exactly, are these relationships so addictive? Stacey Vornbrock, MS, LPC, explains that the cells of our bodies can become addicted to the emotions triggered by the sociopath. “Emotions are chemicals,” she says. “Every positive and negative emotion you’ve ever experienced is a chemical peptide produced in your brain by your hypothalamus.
“Your cells have receptors for these emotional chemicals,” she says, “and can become addicted to a particular negative emotional chemical that is repeatedly released.”
Emotional Freedom Techniques tapping, based on the ancient Chinese meridian system, involves tapping on eight particular points on your face and body, and over time, enables your cells to release the addiction.
EFT Tapping to Break Your Addiction to a Sociopath
Fraud at first sight — seduced by a sociopathic woman and her parents
Once, we went to a fashion show. I thought it was a nice day because we both had a good time and were with some nice friends. When we got home that night I went to my bedroom to change and he walked inside and started kissing me. I was happy with his initiative and hoped that this was going to end with some passionate sex (which we never had any passionate sex..) and while being on top of me kissing me, all of a sudden he stops, looks at me and says:”I’m hungry. I need something to eat”. That was it-and needless to say, we never had sex. I was furious and sad. He apologized only after I asked him to leave. He promised he’ll improve…Here I am, one year later after this rejection and sleeping alone…
I know I became addicted to my spath because I was lonely, he knew that from the beginning and I look back and realize I told him many times, this must of made him so happy knowing he could control me to no end because my loneliness was so deep. I seem to pick guys and have rollercoaster relationships because I am so ready to settle down and have a family, Im 36 and all my friends have families, Im still going out to bars and concerts but just not feeling fulfilled. This and loosing my baby two years ago is making me question moving back home and this is probably what I will do to end this lonely feeling and hopefully eventually get back into the dating game once I feel strong enough.
One thing that is weird though, I met my recent ex spath on a blind date. He was already engaged(obviously I didn’t know nor did my friends) , but managed to tell my friends(he did work on their house because he was a construction worker)that he was divorced and was looking to settle down again. Was he thinking that he could lie to the friends and see if they would set him up with someone? It is just so weird to me to lie to someone you work for and end up getting a girls phone number, rather than reading the clues in person from my body language. Donna if you read this, is there anything to that-the blind date…..was he just so in love with his lying skills he was seeing how far he could take it?
They ARE a lie….People Of The Lie…….They change (lie) to fit the situation at hand as easily as changing a shirt. The old adage/ joke……How can you tell if an attorney (Spathtard) is lying?? His lips are moving! Only a Spathtard doesn’t even have to open his mouth to lie because more than likely he is withholding the truth about SOMEthing….aka, lies of omission.
People of the Lie!! I love that, dorothy2. The Spath I’m involved with, asked me to tell him what my biggest reservations were about him. I told him I didn’t believe most of what came out of his mouth. That I had no faith in what he tells me. He asked for examples, and, true to form, either downplayed or denied them or turned them around so they were my fault. People of the Lie. I’m going to remember that one! Classic! Thank you!
I am starting to think Sociopaths are multiplying rapidly on this planet…..
Could it be because of the way we were raised and to its ‘chain reaction’? I married and dated men who resembled my mother’s toxic personality..
I wasn’t anything like her and this didn’t make her a happy camper. She was jealous of me and always tried to ruin my peace of mind. It took resistance to her manipulated tactics to avoid copying her in any way whatsoever. It takes self awareness, a hard core examination of our childhood and parents and then realization hits…
How are my friends on lovefraud today ? Taralev , how is your weekend ? I found an interesting statement :
“God guides us and blesses us in the real world – his world – not the world of our imagination. He gives us grace in the present moment – not in the past (which is gone) or the future (which has not yet come ). One of the devils tactics is to try to get us to dwell in the past (through regret, or shame, or missing the “good old days”), or in the future (through fear or hope or wishful thinking), or our imagination (through anxiety or daydreams). Then we are no longer focused on God’s real world, in the present moment. The devil has moved us away from the place of grace and blessing. The devil loves to sow confusion. Our best weapon against lies, deception and confusion is to stand firm on God’s truth.
The devil cannot prevail against effective prayer. ”
I think this all makes sense to many of us. Wishing you a peaceful, serene and happy weekend.
lovely words xx
Over the past two months, I have found your postings so helpful to read. Thank you for helping me feel a little more sane on most days, but I’m not feeling sane tonight, so I’m turning to you rather than calling him.
This week was a roller coaster. On Monday morning, I hadn’t seen the Spath for a few days. When I saw him in the parking lot of the gym, we talked for a while, and, as I was leaving, I gave him a hug and told him I loved him. Now why on earth would I do that?? He had ignored me for the past 3 days!!! He seized this as an opportunity to re-ignite our sex lives, and we met up at a hotel that night. I have never done anything like that in my life. On Thursday, he called me at 11:00 p.m., drunk off long island ice teas, and started to berate me, then told me how he had made a mess of things, he was miserable, and he didn’t want to die alone. However, between his observations about how miserable he was, he slammed me, including bringing up when I cheated on my first husband 27 years ago and how I should have treated my disabled son differently. He ended up passing out towards the end of the phone call. He was in a McDonald’s parking lot!!! Finally, we were supposed to have a big date tonight. I began to suspect he would cancel when I asked him what time he’d be at my place, and he was very non-committal. Sure enough, at 4:30 tonight, he called and said he was too tired to even come over and watch a movie on the couch. He made some vague comments about things he had to do and his general tiredness. This from a guy who was always criticizing me for not wanting to go to the bar late at night (including on week nights) and party it up.
Why am I spending one ounce of energy on this guy??? I’m starting to wonder if he is seeing how much crap he can dish out before I breakdown. No wonder he’s had restraining orders put on him. Ugh. I have no idea why I don’t just block his calls. Help!!! Why do I keep going back every time he discards me? I’m good looking, smart and have a great job. What am I doing???
….This guy is very messed up, no Respect for you and eventually will break you down. Unless.. you read your comment as if you were trying to give advise to someone else. What would you tell her? It’s interesting when we put ourselves as a third party and view our own issues from a spectator’s view. I have been through similar path with my ex husband. He was an emotional vampire and wanted me to fill his emptiness because men like yours and my ex have lack of compassion. They have no empathy. Your guys is also a Narc (narcissist)-total lack of empathy. Men like your guy are hunting down for compassionate women so they can have someone feel sorry for them and fill their needs!
You opened your heart to him and now he is taking your past and slams it on you to ‘bottom’ your self esteem, gaslight you and make you feel quilty so you become vulnerable and feel like you have to ‘serve’ his needs whenever he feels like it….He has no respect for you whatsoever. You deserve so much better – especially having a disabled son -you deserve a medal for this. Concentrate on yourself and YOUR needs and everything will become more clear to you. Educate yourself by reading material about these types of men to develop your self awareness – that’s what I did and helped me very much. What also helped me a lot was taking a self-defense class and working out. All this has made me stronger to know how to defend myself emotionally too. The guy I wrote about in my posts is someone I am not in love with and soon Ill be moving out of his studio. I defend and protect myself by choosing to be sleeping alone, keeping my boundaries and having my shields up. It took sometime for him to reveal his true colors-a very good actor too. There are Spaths-Vampires everywhere and we can encounter them anytime in our lives because they’re good actors! It’s what we do with them that counts once we realize what they really are. I am sure you will not want to have anything to do with this vampire one day. You’re smart and you have a great job so do NOT let this vamp sink his teeth into your heart and your mind each time. Having sex with spaths steals our energy and pass on to us their negativity! Stop supplying him with your sexual and emotional energy. Keep it for yourself!!!
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/11/14/how-to-avoid-being-drained-by-energy-vampires/
http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/vampires-quiz.htm
http://www.drjudithorloff.com/Free-Articles/Emotional-Vampire-survival.htm
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-freedom/201101/whos-the-emotional-vampire-in-your-life
Wow, Odysseia. Your insight is amazing. “He has no respect for you whatsoever”, “….hunting down for compassionate women so they can have someone feel sorry for them and fill their needs”, “gaslight you” “lack of empathy”. Those describe this situation so clearly. I’m going to try your suggestion of looking at this as a third party. Also, when I think about how I would advise my “typical” 19 year old son on how to act with a girl, it would be everything the opposite of this guy. I’ve raised him to be responsible and caring and am very proud of where he is in life. Contrast this with the disrespectful, inconsiderate, self-centered jerk I’m sinking energy into. Thank you for the links. Learning about spaths is mind-boggling. I wonder if that is why I keep going back. I can’t believe ANYONE could be so awful. And he isn’t just awful to me. It’s pretty much everyone. He starts out thinking a new person he meets is fantastic, and then ends up hating and bad mouthing them or worse: firing them for no reason or not paying back money he clearly owes them.
I’m surrounded by really awesome, caring people with the exception of him. I’m amazed how one bad worm can ruin the whole apple. Thank you for responding. It means a lot of me.
Glad I could help!
Yes, GET RID OF HIM! He is a parasite – you need to weed him out of your life asap! It seems you have a very good life so please keep the good in it and throw away the garbage!
I did the same thing. In a few months from now, once you get rid of him, you’ll be amazed how much better you’ll start feeling! Go on a nice vacation and surround yourself with high quality people – he is of the lowest- generic brand…lol
All the best! Be an amazon warrior! 🙂
Elsa, read this Lovefraud Post…this is another reason why you are bonded to the evil sociopath.
too scary to contemplate!
I WAS too attached to him emotionally. I now know that! I don’t know why I was so stupid. he is everything I would ever warn someone to stay away from………… unethical, immoral, untrustworthy etc etc etc
I used to tell him there was no way I would ever even consider having a relationship with him and reel off the reasons why! He used to clutch his chest and say (in a pity me type of way, which was funny at the time) …. “(Elsa) you have such a poor opinion of me…… but youre right!”
Elsa…omg his words are so scary & manipulative. Evil man.
Remember hon dont beat yourself up & do not use words like “I was stupid”…YOU were not stupid he is just a masterful con artist period! This man can con anyone and everyone…remember he stated he has a long trail of victims…believe his words he does!!
he told me his girlfriend had fallen pregnant around the time his first child with his wife was born and that he regretted this because she was the love of his life. he said he chose to stay with his wife and had regretted it. he had had numerous affairs because “he couldn’t help it”…… I must be proper undesirable as he never tried it on!!
unfortunately (for me) his wife also bad mouthed him, which reinforced what he said about her….. that she had “rejected” him and had no interest in hi etc etc. blah,blah, blah
he “needed a good friend” …… and I was just that but he couldn’t handle a friend….. someone who sent him a text saying “hi, hows things?” etc
he used to tell me to back off (whilst still texting me randomly asking me to meet) and I did back off, only for him to ask me to back off again, which I did…… repeat!!!
I did realise in the end that all was fine as long as it was on his terms…. and his terms ended up to be zero tolerance where I was concerned!!
It was great to read this section as the more I read about the behaviors of a sociopath the more I realize that the only fault I have is not being more aware of the signs and getting out earlier than I should have.
In the beginning, the relationship was all I had been looking for in a healthy relationship. He wanted to know when he would see me next, at about two months he was ready to move in together (I was not ready yet) and we hadn’t even started having sex yet. He did things with me that I was interested in including going out and buying dance shoes so he could go salsa dancing with me . . . I really thought he was going out on a limb. He paid attention to my needs including getting me a long winter coat which he picked up on in just a casual conversation. Telling me this is one of the most healthy relationships he’s ever been in, he’d never felt this way about any other woman. Although all he ever talked about was himself, his stories were fascinating and he seemed so excited about life and the career he was building for himself.
After about five months, his interest in seeing me became smaller and smaller and when I asked him about he said he works with bitchy women all day and doesn’t have the energy to make time for me. He offered one night a week and I told him I needed to take some time to think it over . . . after five days we got together to discuss and he said that was not what he said at all but he also informed me that he was not interested in travel, salsa, going to the ballet and my response was . . . well then it seems you misrepresented yourself for the last 6 months. He responds: I’ve been thinking about that and you’re right, I have. Saying things like “it’s a good thing the sex is good or we might not like each other. What??? Why I didn’t leave then, I am kicking myself for today. So he sucked me in at the beginning and then, slowly started making comments of not being good enough or equal to, what I was saying wasn’t important and for his final act, I caught him videotaping us having sex on his camera phone without first asking me, in my own home and when I confronted him he would not admit that he had done it but simply said . . . I’m weird, messed up. I don’t know what part of any of our relationship was the truth and what was a lie. My integrity, my privacy, my security, my choice as to what I get to do with my body, my center has been violated.
And, yet, there is still some part of me that thinks maybe he will see the error of his ways and we could work it out. We’ve been split up for a month and no contact for two weeks. All I can think is that I am grateful that this was only a seven month relationship and not a two year relationship. I do my best not to take it personal but it is painful and I often find myself being so pissed off at myself for not acknowledging the red flags that were there in the very beginning. I mean I can’t sacrifice my integrity and morals for him and yet, there is still a part of me that longs for him to contact me. I don’t often ask for help but I need help letting go. I hope by sharing my story and reading from others, I can get back to myself.
To fall in love with an impostor is challenging because what we feel for their fake self is real, and to feel something real is hard to let go. Especially when is a feeling of happiness. Plus the fact that we do believe that people can’t be that bad, or at least that those that are that evil appear to be a little like that from simple inspection.
Once we have bond ourselves to someone it is hard to let them go if we don’t fully understand what happened. And this is something this people rarely show you because they live from their public image, so they will not disclosure themselves completely. Lying is one of their basics in their communication. Therefore we have to accept that when they sum up enough points to be considered not worth it, we should let them go. We are not going to know much more of those impostors unless we want to dedicate our life to become private investigators of their deeds. Your relationship was short, so you don’t need to do that, no properties in common, no children, etc. so simply learn that there are emotional impostors out their, who will play the perfect man/woman to fulfill some ulterior motive and when they had enough or they find another target they move on. No regret, no consideration, just pure selfishness to the extreme. But you know one thing, the role he played was good, but you are much better without him. And next time, you will see the red flags earlier. Though it is never difficult to screw trusting people, but we all have to accept that it is still better to be in the fair side.
To get back to yourself, enjoy the little things of life (there are a lot!) and look for people with healthy personalities. The contrast of meeting a new person who has a healthy personality did wonders to me. Good luck!
Cominghome…
Hi there.
I feel your pain.
My advice after dealing with this for far too long..
THEY COME BACK.
Have a plan for this. He will try to come back in your life when you least expect it.
Stay no contact. Please. If you see him again it will be a million times worse than now. Trust me.
He will NOT change. The abuse, and yes it is abuse will only get worse because every time you take him back he is secretly planning his next move to make you feel bad about yourself and make you feel that all of his lies, and videotaping you in your own home..it will only get worse because he got away with that.
I can go on and on, I do feel your pain. I struggle with this especially on the weekends when he took up every second of my time and attention.
We did everything together including showering together.
So, that’s my advice, have a plan of how you are going to so NO. I don’t want to see you.
Find a therapist in your area who specializes in this even if its to come up with the plan of how you will say no to seeing him again.
XOXO
Strong er….
Here is the scary part, it doesn’t matter if the relationship was for months or years, your abuser believes they will always “own” you, that they will always have control over you, till death do you part! Their arrogance precedes them and believe all that they considered close to them during their lifetime can still be manipulated despite time.
That is why it is so important to cut of all communications with them. Everything and all must go through an attorney. They know to handle vicious, evil people. We are so vulnerable after years or even decades of manipulation and control , we could fall right into their trap again.
Any cobtact with my ex would undo 2 years of hard work to recovery and healing. I now know that all those years I fed him his ego kibbles 24/7 while he was screwing the co worker during their shifts. Yuck .
I saw him yesterday, all full of smiles , telling me he was my friend…… I did grey rock but you knew what? After getting back in a decent sleep routine an feeling better, I woke up through the night and feel down and sad again!
I didn’t want to hate him. I just want to not care!!
I think I could achieve NC if I didn’t live so close to him! Wish I had never known him!!
Roll on Monday!
I think that is normal to feel something. It is normal to feel something for any ex with whom there was a painful breakup, even if he is not a sociopath. You should not feel bad to feel something, but feel happy to have clear your boundaries with him.
elsa
Sorry the rubbish spewed his slime at you. He tried to charm you and your body knew that was his manipulation M.O.
Since you are a very nice person, I understand that it’s hard for you when he’s all smiles, you know it’s because he’s using you to spin his image.
No wonder you had a bad night.
Someone gave me a solution when I ran into the same, my ex pretending to be SO caring when in fact, he tried to murder me.
Have a phrase ready. Something to break his spell. Something really silly. Ex: “Oh stop you silly silly boy, this turnip’s all out of blood for you!”
You don’t need to say it to him, say it outloud to yourself as you walk away from him.
By changing your brain from responding with sadness to silliness, you change the chemistry and it’s afteraffects (nightmares) The sillier the better.