UPDATED FOR 2023. If you’re struggling to get over an encounter with a sociopath — whether a romantic relationship or some other involvement — keep this in mind: They are losers.
They are not worth any emotional energy that you are spending on them, or any pain that you feel. Here’s 10 reasons why:
1 Sociopaths cannot love the way you do
The root of serious personality disorders — antisocial, narcissistic, borderline and psychopathy — is an impaired ability to love. These people cannot feel empathy like you do. They are not interested in caregiving — a critical component of real love. People diagnosed as antisocials or psychopaths are not capable of love at all.
2. Sociopaths cannot be trusted
What do sociopaths really want in life? Power and control. Their objective is always to win — whatever that may look like at the moment. So they always have an ulterior motive, and for that reason, can never be trusted.
3. Sociopaths are empty inside
They have no real passion. Oh, they may have temporary obsessions, but they do not care deeply about any person, thing, place or ideal. Without any real depth, they are caricatures of human beings, cardboard cut-outs, creatures without substance.
Read more: 5 reasons why we fall for a con artist
4. Sociopaths have no real friends
They have minions. They have co-conspirators. They have dupes. But because of items 1, 2 and 3 above, sociopaths do not have friends. They really are alone in the world. It’s sad.
5. Sociopaths have no real family
Yes, they have parents, spouses, children and relatives (possibly including you), but no one involved will feel a sense of family. The sociopath will just take advantage of relatives, and any relatives who are not themselves disordered will feel abused.
6. Sociopaths’ schemes fall apart
They’re always coming up with get-rich-quick schemes, grandiose plans that depend on other people’s money. Sometimes the plans never get off the ground. Sometimes they get started, and then sputter to a halt. Sooner or later, sociopathic schemes usually fail.
7. Sociopaths have financial problems
Even when they have a job or profession, they often have financial problems. They get fired. They lose contracts. They get sued. But often when there’s a money crisis, other people pay, not them.
8. Sociopaths have legal problems
Many sociopaths are criminals. In fact the definitions of antisocial personality disorder and psychopathy refer to criminal behavior. But even those who aren’t arrested for crimes are frequently involved lawsuits, divorces and child custody battles. None of this really bothers the sociopaths, but it will bother you.
9. Sociopaths crash and burn
Sociopaths may race along for awhile, living on the edge — maybe even for years. But at some point, their unconscionable behavior tends to catch up with them. Their financial empires collapse. They end up estranged from everyone in their lives. They may finally be arrested. Sooner or later, for many sociopaths, it all falls apart.
10. Sociopaths tend to die earlier
Promiscuous sex, drugs, crime, violence — this is how many sociopaths live. Whether it’s health problems, accidents from risky behavior or angering the wrong person, many sociopaths end up dead. And those who don’t may suffer a lonely old age. If anyone takes care of them, it’s because of a sense of duty, although I don’t think it’s warranted.
If you’re struggling to break the bonds you feel with a sociopath, refer to this list. Sociopaths really are losers and are are not worth the aggravation.
Learn more: How to report your abuser’s crimes so the police take you seriously
Lovefraud originally posted this article on July 25, 2016.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: This was all about him and all about what he needed
In her book ‘Women who love psychopaths’, Sandra Brown describes 5 kinds of psychopaths- paranoid, schizoid, aggressive-explosive anger, destructive, swindler, sexual-often well educated, good job, distortion of impulses. I had a distant relationship with a sexual ppath and a recent relationship with an aggressive ppath. If you were involved with a ppath, what type was he.
I’m still thinking about the 5 types of psychopaths.
A friend in VA was just warned by her nice neighbor that her new female neighbor is a sociopath. Good she was warned.
I was stalked by a female neighbor who thought there was a relationship. There was none. It stopped eventually but she still comes by ocassionally. Some hang on.
Today I briefly saw the aggressive psychopath after a year and a month. As soon as I recognized him I moved away but I was not affected as I was before. Knowing that he is a person with a personality disorder whose brain is different has definitely helped.
Sunnygal – good for you!!! When you get to the point where it doesn’t affect you, you know you are well on the road to recovery.
Hi. I haven’t talked to you ladies in a while. Last time i wrote i said i started seeing someone. I found out that i was way more hurt and distrustful than i thought. I basically freaked out when i heard from him in a couple of days and he was just sick. Luckily we have known each other a long time and he knows what this person put me through. I never realized how this person destroyed my trust. I have another male friend that i go do things with and did the same thing.
On another note while looking back i figured out the reason my relationship was so awful. My ex didn’t even like me. His just kept me around for his amusement. What an awful person. But i do miss the person that he portrayed to be. I don’t believe he can ever be this person or Maybe he can but just not with me…
I keep working on moving back to my home state of Florida. 2000 away from this awful place. It’s not just him it’s the people. They are so rude and unfriendly. I need to go back to the south. We talk slower and have manners and make better tea. Please pray that on mu trip in March i am able to find a place i can afford. I think once i go home life will be so much better…
Thanks for listening cause i don’t have anyone else. I hope ya’ll are doing well
Hi…did you make it home? If not, you will.
Mine doesn’t like me either but told a therapist that he felt responsible for me. This was when I first wondered what was going on. I’m aware now.
I posted this on FB on Dec 26, 2016 I wrote this in hopes that the loser ex reads it and leaves me alone. He has been hoovering each month for the last 4 months. I will never ever go back. I believe he is a victimize extreme narcissist.
It’s been a while since I written about narcissism. I have been extremely busy with a thing called living life to the fullest! Today, I will address the Victimized Extreme Narcissist (VEM).
Narcissism
According to statistics approximately 6 percent of Americans are afflicted with narcissist personality disorder (NPD). All individuals have a low percentage of narcissism and this is okay. In fact, a low percentage of narcissism is healthy as part of one’s self-esteem. On the other hands, someone afflicted with full blown narcissist personality disorder (NPD) is not healthy. In fact, these people will create havoc everywhere they go. Like sociopaths and psychopaths narcissist lack empathy, and are pathological liars. They are master manipulators and are not easily embarrassed. Rarely those with these disorders kill. Unless, they are the extreme psychopath that vie on spilling blood for thrills like we have seen on TV.
Types of narcissist (Somatic, Cerebral and Oh My!)
There are several types of narcissist. The somatic narcissist and the cerebral narcissist are those that you find more information about on the Web and literature. The somatic narcissist is most obsessed with the body (soma). These are some of the types you will see flexing their muscles at the gym. Note, that not all that flex their muscles are narcissist. The cerebral narcissist use their intellect. The cerebral narcissist is a know it all and will immediately let you know while engaging in a discussion. They aim to win at all cost. However, there is another type of narcissist that is the most dangerous of all. The victimized extreme narcissist (VEN). This type flies under the radar because unlike the somatic and the cerebral narcissist there is not a lot of information for this type of narcissist. This is the narcissist I will refer to here.
Traits of victimized extreme narcissist
Victimized Extreme Narcissist are covert pathological liars. They will lie with such conviction that they are almost believable until you learn otherwise. They manipulate everything to avoid being seen for who they truly are. They fabricate stories about their misfortunes. They pretend to have the worst of all circumstances, including a horrible upbringing. They have learned from an early age that by playing the victim they can control others with the pity ploy. These types will tell you how their children abandoned them through no fault of their own. They will tell you about how their exes fooled around on them and all the craziness the exes put them through. Poor them! They will tell you how they lost their jobs, because their bosses had it out for them, or how a certain contract wasn’t renewed. How they couldn’t land a certain position they applied for, because there was someone in the company that didn’t like them from a previous life time. They will tell you how they can’t pay child support because their boss would not give them enough work hours. When you begin digging you come to find out that their exes left because they were pure evil to them. Their children don’t want anything to do with them, because they were too selfish, immature and self-centered to become parents. The worst is that they will always put their needs before their children’s. They lost their job because they stole from the company and they did not get the new job because frankly everyone knows what a parasite they are.
The victimized extreme narcissist is society’s parasite. They are followed by debt collectors. They steal and think nothing of it. They write bad check and if caught will look for other ways to dupe others for money or blame someone else. They even steal from those they claim to love. They own nothing, because they squander it all away. They borrow your money with promises to pay and you will never see it. They claim to never have money for one reason or another to leech off others. The more you give, the more they take. They have several foreclosures and divorces. They are bottomless dark pits with no soul. They are con artist and master exploiters. They will cry crocodile tears to get you to drop your defenses. They love drama. In fact, they will cause drama every second they can and call you a bully for standing up to them when in reality they are the ones doing the bullying. They work at meaningless jobs. If they managed to stay in a job long term believe me it’s because no one else wanted them. They are leeches and vermin of society. They cheat their way through life with everyone including love interest. They do not form relationships and do not have friends. They are callous and mean.
Dupers Delight.
When you encounter a victimized extreme narcissist they will mirror everything about you. This is because they do not have a true self. They have created a false self to dupe others into liking them. This is not who they really are. They will ask questions to get to know everything about you. This is information they will use against you in the future. They will tell you to confide in them and tell you they will never hurt you while stabbing you in the back. They will stress how honest they are to get you to drop your defenses. They are the true epitome of evil. The victimized extreme narcissist will lie and pretend that they are building a relationship with you meantime they have other victims they are duping as well. They will call and text you constantly, but not because you mean anything to them. They do not love you and never will. They are securing you as supply for money, sex or admiration. They have several supplies that they dupe and you are just another supply in their queue. They will break every promise they ever swore. Once you call them on their lies they will gas light you with a thousand excuses. If you persist on being treated fairly they will rage at you. They will accuse you of doing to them exactly what they are doing to you.
Trying to reason with the narcissist to see you as an equal and treat you with respect is like a dog chasing its tail. It’s the merry-go-round from hell. They will try to bully you into submission to control you and then tell you that you are trying to control them. This is when you see their mask slip. The person you met and promised you the world is a fake. The hero is truly a zero in aluminum foil who strolled up on a decrepit donkey. The person behind the fallen mask is their true self. The person with the mask on is the fake person they created by mimicking you and others. They pick up a trait from every victim that they have conned.
The victimized narcissist mimics others, because they have no creativity. To have creativity you must have a true self. Mimicking other’s behavior allows them to go through life duping others. This is call dupers delight. In fact, if you look back many of your slogans or words you use with them, they will use them with you. Anything you like they will use on their other victims. They betray you in the worst way. If you ask them for something they will not give it to you. In fact, they will give it to the new victim. They bring nothing with them. They offer nothing, and yet expect you to be loyal, caring and giving. They are callous and the devil’s spawn. They are an 8 years old in an old person’s body. They are true children of the corn.
Silent treatment
When you begin to see their mask slip and confront them about their lies they will give you the silent treatment. The silent treatment is a form of cruelty and their favorite immature pastime. The purpose of this is to get you to bend at their will. This is a form of control. The silent treatment can go on for hours, weeks or months. They will not discuss anything like mature adults. They lack souls, and consideration. Traits that a normal human being values. However, they will assure you that they do. Once you catch on to their game they will discard you or cause drama so you can discard them. Then they will blame you for the failure of the relationship. Nothing with them is peaceful. Your health will suffer. You will never be at peace. You will never carry a mature conversations with these evils seeds. They delight in getting you to stoop to their level of pond scum. This is because they live for fuel, positive or negative. Fuel is what gives them existence, because they have no life nor foundation from which they operate from. Normal people play by certain standards and rules. We treat others the way we want to be treated. We abide by rules. We love and support each other and expect the same in return. We praise each other for a job well done. These are all elements that does not apply to the victimized extreme narcissist. They are parasites who do not follow any standard of society. You were pursued only to be used.
The Dark Cloud
Unlike the somatic and cerebral narcissist the VEM is unkempt. Many times going days without bathing. They look haggard and beat down. Their clothes are untidy and outdated. Once a good looking person, no longer can rely on their looks. VEMs also have extreme addictions. Some are addicted to drugs, alcohol, black coffee and/or chain smoking. This causes them to have black teeth and severe cavities. In fact, in a recent study the more extreme narcissist the darker and more robust the coffee they preferred. They hate to be alone, because they cannot stand themselves.They will take anything in the form of supply, including both genders, old, young and transgender. VEMs have no gender. They do not see black or white. Everyone is for the taking. They stoop so low they will go after anyone as long as he/she breath. Even it it means going after the lowest of the low. This is termed low grade supply. Anyone that gives them some form of validation.
They are always on the run from themselves. This is because their souls are so dark and gets darker from all the evil they have done. To be alone is to have to face their evil. They rarely sleep and when they do, they do not think of those who they have hurt. They fall straight to sleep without a care in the world. Like an addict, once their eyes open, the only thing on their mind is supply. They are on every dating site known to man using old pictures or other images that do not show who they really are. This is done to hook anyone that bites. They look for anyone for supply (money, sex, admiration, or fuel).
The VEM is also addicted to porn. They prefer this to building decent human relationships. Due to severe porn addition they become impotent. They spend hours on their phone and computer looking for anything that will give them a cheap thrill including prostitutes and one night stands. They send naked photos and videos of themselves that wind up on the web for the world to see. They have unprotected sexual encounters with anyone. They do not value anyone no matter how kind, giving, and good you are to them. Every relationship they have or had they destroy.
Like Pig Pen from Charlie Brown a dark cloud follows them everywhere. They will blatantly lie to you and gaslight you once you dig up their lifestyle with such a straight face and conviction that you begin to question your sanity. You may hear horrible truths about them from others, but never in your wildest dreams will you think these are the same two people. Believe it, they are! You may even get lucky and spot one of their naked photos on the web or even have one or of their victim’s contact you and when you compare notes you then know that you have encountered the most evil soul ever. Scratch that, they are soulless. Don’t doubt yourself anymore this is who they truly are!
Grumpy Old Men
Narcissist worsen with age. They age prematurely. They become more bitter and angry. They perceive everything as an attack to their ego. The rage at the slightest suggestion to become a better kinder human being. They are those old folks who yell at you for stepping on their lawn, taking their parking spot even though they didn’t pay for it and don’t own it. They are mean! They are followed by debt collectors, they own nothing. Their homes go into foreclosure. They work at meaningless jobs out of boredom and to get away from home to continue doing their evil deeds. They have several marriages because at the end everyone leaves them. What they fear most, abandonment, they set up for themselves. The Extreme Victimize narcissist will blame the world for all of their misfortunes. Don’t be fooled. They have burned everyone, including those they profess to love, (Gag!).
Karma
Eventually life catches up with them. This is their karma. VEMs fail over and over, because they do not plan for the future. They only live in the present. They do not have a sense of time. They love no one. Eventually they lose those who were good to them. Those that once loved them no longer care if they are found on the side of the road dead as a door nail. Unfortunate, but true. What they reap is what they sow! So for those who have been in this hell hole of a relationship, it’s important to understand that you have been abused, gas lighted, manipulated and used by a con artist who lacks human decency and respect. You were used for their own entertainment and to gain supply. Mark my words, karma gets them all the time. I have seen it over and over.
Out of the Fog
Never blame yourself. It wasn’t you! Leave this person behind and no matter what never try to help them again. This person is disordered and broken. This is why they act this way. They hate the world as much as they hate themselves. They don’t build relationships. They collect people to use and abuse at their leisure. Close all communication with them, block their number, block their emails and never ever look back. You will notice that you are so much happier. Your health will restore to normal. You are no longer on edge. Go lead the beautiful life that God intended you to lead. You are no one’s to use and abuse. You can do bad all by yourself. Also, never allow them back into your life. They’ll never change. They never valued you for your goodness, for your kindness for your love.
Most importantly, it is not you who is not worthy. It is the VEM who is not worthy of you! You are real, you are human and have empathy. Put all your love towards someone who truly loves you. This is the person worthy of your love, compassion and kindness. You made a mistake of letting someone so cruel and callous into your beautiful world. However, never allow this mistake to define you. They are now someone else’s mistake. Thank your lucky stars for this. There are billions of people in this world. Therefore, there is a vast number of people who will love you for you and not for what they can use you for. Most importantly, they are not disordered. You are now out of the fog! Peace and love to all those who have encountered such evil!
Dear Equanimity113,
Oh my word- this has to be one of the BEST descriptions I have ever read!!! This fits the “thing” my sister is with to a Tee!!! Oh how I wish so bad my sister, who is living with a sociopath/narcissistic scum bag for about 3 years now, would read this…….how on earth could I get her to read this?? I have emailed, texted & even mailed articles for her to read & she throws them away & basically tells me to get out of her life that I’m nothing but a “bully” -please keep in mind we 3 sisters were The closest sisters/Bestfriends our entire life (were now 48,50 & 51) until he appeared needing a place to stay for 30 days while getting a divorce from his very sweet ex-wife that he has 5 kids (girls) with. My dad says”Dont worry, when his 5 daughters start dating and turn 18 or get married,they’re bf/husbands will keep them away from him and he will get paid back”. Do you or anyone have any recommendations?? I know most people tell me to let her learn on her own, but I know her better than this and I know he has totally conned my sister (not to also mention she just battled Breast Cancer, that he convinced her that her family left her during this time…..oh and during her chemo he had her borrow over $100k against her house that was PAID OFF!!!! I would appreciate any advice anyone has……I miss my sister so very much and Imy family is just lost without her in our life. She’s missing out on so much with my kids & our other sisters kids. Blessing to you for taking the time to write this and GOOD for you for getting away!!! May God Bleas you!
Hi Heartbrokensister,
I have read your post on Love Fraud before. I can’t imagine your pain. Unfortunately, there is not much you can do, because her barrierson are up . Remember, she’s victim caught up in his lies. She cannot identify with your pleaschedule of rescuing her. He has conditioned her to only identify with him. The only thing I can suggest is continue to love her, let her know that you will always love her and be there for her, but allow her to grow from the hard knocks of life. As you know some victims can remain in an abusive relationship for decades. This is because they have been duped by the N/S/P. I recently read an article that stated that these disordered individuals will potray to be a normal family member for as long as it suits them. They need a family unit to seem normal to the outside world. What we see spouses don’t. However, once that he is done using them they will move on in the worst way like all N/SPs do. This is why you will read about spouses that have been abandoned decades later, and the disordered has moved to a more prominent supply. They never in their wildest dreams ever imagined this would happen to them. It happened to my mother after 20 years of marriage. She helped him become rich and he left her penniless for a younger woman. She wasn’t better supply. She was just a newer appliance. She suffered the same fate my mother did. However, today she is penniless, and my mother acquired everything back including never ever ignoring my father’s pleas to return to him 15 years later when he needed new supply. He died a lonely old man. Karma? You bet! I pray to God that your sister wakes up, but sometimes it takes more thanews we could ever imagine to free them from the devil’s grasp.
The narcissist sees I’m happy. I am now a shiny appliance. They like a challenge. However, to me he’s an old over used appliance who I discarded after one of his rages. I wanted to get him back for discardING me. Now I ignore him. I thank God every day for giving me the opportunity to discard and ignore him.
Another beyond wonderful post! Thank you for posting on here.
You are making many of us so happy and also making us smile 🙂
Thank you Bev,
I wish I knew I wish how to edit. When I was discarded it was the worst pain. I gave him another chance and same raging crazy behavior. I discarded him. He couldn’t stand this, because they have to do the discarding and it has to be on their terms. He’s back full force professing his love, gag me! He stalks my Facebook and knows I’m happy so he wants me back for revenge. Ugh!
I totally understand.
Yes, they do not like to be discarded…they must be the discard-er, and, on their terms, only. They also do not like to see you happy, because they cannot feel true happiness.
You are so wise to all of the antics. Doesn’t that make you feel stronger, though?
🙂
I posted the above summary on the Victimized Extreme Narcissist on my FB page. He stalks me and sees me happy with the love of my life who I went back to. He is extremely good looking, whereas the sociopath is not. He dresses well. Whereas the sociopath is a bum. He gives me everything I want without me asking. Whereas the sociopath is cheap and broke. He contacts me and I ignore it. I thought this would be a hint for him to move on, but it did not phase him.
Fantastic!
🙂
4,6,7,8, and 9 aren’t true. I know this narrows the list down to five things, four if you don’t count #10(It’s kinda iffy) but sociopaths are capable of emoting. Just not in the same way as you. Sociopaths can have friends, but it’s less loving friendship, more of a strong bond of not wanting to lose the person and knowing that the person is good. Just because your reality isn’t the same as their reality doesn’t mean their reality doesn’t exist. As for legal, financial, and ‘scheme’ problems- well there isn’t always a problem. Lot’s of people make it to the top of the chain who have sociopathic tendencies and do better than most people. (Woah, low key the President is possibly a sociopath, I’ll get back to you on that one but he’s a billionaire) their schemes more often than not actually don’t fall apart. If they get sloppy in a relationship, or something maybe? But what some people call ‘falling apart’ is a sociopaths way of saying ‘I dont need this person anymore’ You broke up? Maybe not because their scheme fell apart, probably because they don’t need you anymore and they got bored( or because you are a jerk, or because they genuienly wanted to just end things). They stopped being your friend? Probably because you’re a jerk or they don’t need you anymore and they got bored. A smart sociopath can finesse their way to the top without anyone noticing.
🙂
Pathetic.
Hmmm. Trying to convince and swing people around to thinking this way.
This is so transparent. And, all bullshit. You will never convince.
The spaths life is always tentative and hanging by a string…all apt to disappear in a flash. Keep telling yourself what you want to believe though. That is how spaths live. In complete delusion. (Example: Donald Trump, as you alluded to…he made it to the White House, yes, but that means nothing).
We all hope for number 10. Believe that.
So Agree! Great Comment x
Cheers, Ria 🙂
We hope for #10 for all spaths. The sooner they ‘leave’ the world, the less time they have to play their spath games, like that post above.
My thoughts Exactly Lol
Agree.
That’s would be great!!!! I’m so confused why there’s not more education out there to warn people about these type of people. I never even said the word “sociopath” until one swooped my poor younger sister up and isolated her from our extremely close family 3 years ago this month……I miss her dearly!!
How very sad xx these Predators never give up seeking out good honest people. I highly recommend Melanie Tonia Evans website and on you tube to educate people she is amazing! She opened my eyes to so much of the abuse and tactics they use to reel us back in. I am still NC and happier for it. If your lovely sister finds the strength to break free Melanie Tonia Evans gives the bare facts on this awful Personality Disorder, the damage it causes and supports everyone experiencing the toxicity, mind games, craziness and the hoovering when NC is put in place. Keep strong. Sending you Love and Hugs xx
I would suggest Sandra Brown’s ‘Women Who Love Psychopaths’. It is very informative of the disorder and the empathetic women they target. She also says there should be more education of the public.
That’s a great book. I’m reading it now.
@Orion Well said, and absolutely agree. Especially about the ‘falling apart’.
Strange now looking back. My ex had no friends. I just thought because he was 68 yrs old he was living a lonely existence. I should of looked much closer at this lonely existence. Own Home, Car, Retired, and No friends…Mmm one sister he was not close to, always bad mouthed her. Oh well Ladies the Truth is usually in front of us but we are So Empathic and friendly heartfelt souls we don’t See what could be so Wrong. I found Viagra hiding in his bedroom drawer underneath hats and gloves and Condoms when I was his house. We have an Intuition! Lets Use that Intuition More!
Yes…and always no ‘real’ friends.
Very telling, that.
Very Bev there is always a reason behind that.
Oh, yes, for sure.
People do not like them. Spaths really think that they have real’friends’. That is never the case. Those so called friends are just acquaintances that sometimes last a bit longer because they are willfully blind to the spath.
He must of been in a hurry to do the deed on one of his escapades as he ended up with Genital Herpes. A 68 yr old seriously!