Editor's note: The following essay was submitted by a Lovefraud reader. Snapshots By AlohaTraveler In our lifetime, we hope to capture the best moments of our lives in pictures. We keep albums of our family events, weddings, births, first dates, proposals, holidays, vacations, and so on. There is another kind of snapshot that keeps many of us longing for our sociopaths. These are the “snapshots” we hold in our minds. They are the ideal moments, the perfect words, the heightened romance that so many of us felt when we were being seduced by a sociopath. Browsing through my mental album, I see a snapshot of myself and the Bad Man, as I call him, passionately kissing in Safeway next to …
Valentine’s Day can be tough for victims of love fraud
As a victim of love fraud, I have two reactions to Valentine's Day. First, I hate the thought of all those sociopaths out there male and female, who are using this day to lock in their next victims. Early in relationships, sociopaths present themselves as great partners. They certainly don't pass up the chance to pour on the charm on a day like Valentine's Day. Furthermore, since they can be very focused on sex, Valentine's Day is an opportunity for them to score. My vision of Valentine sociopaths includes those who are simultaneously wooing more than one victim. Perhaps we should consider whether Valentine's Day should also be named “Love Fraud Awareness Day.” My second reaction to Val …
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BodyMind
Last week I asked whether there might be physical consequences to life with a psychopath. Judging from the many and fascinating reader responses it seems that many people suspect that these relationships have indeed affected their health. Boldily pains, chronic anxiety, eating disorders, weight fluctuations, difficulties with sleep, headaches - all these and more either started or worsened at the time of the relationships. Some ailments straight away resolved themselves when the relationship ended, others linger. Before I give a brief conceptualisation of a linkage between life events and physical health I must clarify terms. I am not talking here about hypochondria, imagining and and …
If you’re vulnerable, sociopaths will pounce
Last week Lovefraud posted a new True Lovefraud Story about a con artist named Dennis SanSeverino. The creep pretended to be loving and rich long enough to convince his victim to trust him. Then he took her home and inheritance. This story is a classic case of a sociopath targeting the vulnerable. When the victim, Trish Rynn, met SanSeverino, she had just endured a difficult breakup with her boyfriend. In the months that they got to know each other—Rynn initially refused his many dinner invitations—he must have been listening intently as she chatted about her life. Rynn's ex-husband was physically abusive. After the marriage ended, Rynn spent 10 years in court fighting child custody and …
Retired racers, PTSD and depression
In the beginning of January, our family took in a foster child. This boy is a 3-year-old retired racing greyhound. His behavior over the last 6 weeks has reminded me of my own journey of healing and teaches us about the biologic nature of psychological symptoms. There is no doubt that this poor boy suffers from PTSD. Furthermore, the PTSD has caused depression and has prevented him from being able to enjoy his life. As part of a conscious program to teach empathy and caretaking to the children, we've fostered many dogs over the last 4 years. Although each dog had a sad story to tell, none came with the combination of symptoms Mr. Goodstuff suffered. I have never seen a dog as fearful …
Might there be physical consequences to life with a psychopath?
Several readers of Lovefraud have mentioned medical problems that arose in their lives with psychopaths. These readers are convinced that the psychological stress and pain of these relationships translated themselves into physical ailments. Some of these symptoms disappeared when the psychopath disappeared, some didn't. Here are a few recent comments: When I parted from him, physically I felt so raw and sore, I looked like I had been in a boxing ring. My health was poor and I couldnt even have the osteopath touch me, I said I felt like I had been stabbed all over. All though he never laid a finger on me, he gave me plenty of mental and emotional abuse. I have a feeling its 2 years of being …
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Sociopaths and sex: neither straight nor gay
Many women have written to Lovefraud about husbands who they've come to believe are sociopaths. They were astounded to discover that, not only was the husband cheating, but he was having sex with men. Lovefraud reader eyeswideshut writes about this in a recent comment to the post, After he's gone: looking at the sociopath through open eyes. She asks: Now that I know he is also gay, is sociopathic tendency in married gay men not common as well? When I read the stories of the women in the book ("Straight Wives"), many of the men sound like sociopaths as well. Have you studied this phenomenon? Is it possible that gay men who choose to live the lie of married life are likely also …
When the sociopath is gone: Pain is temporary
Lance Armstrong said, “Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.” When I was in an abusive relationship with a sociopath, the pain was overwhelming. I quit trying to get through it and gave into it. I quit and felt like it would last forever. "Nothing lasts forever - not even your troubles" so said psychologist, Arnold H. Glasgow. Trouble is, when I'm in trouble I 'always' think in absolutes, like never and forever. When I'm in never and forever land, I tell myself tomorrow is too far away to even bother caring about what happens today. I tell myself …
Aristotle: Sociopath or Machiavellian?
This week, I am departing from the usual and sharing an essay written by someone else. My daughter turned 17 this week and is applying to start college early. I have often felt sorry for her because she has had to endure my pontificating on the nature of humanness. As part of her application she was asked to comment on a quote from Aristotle. I was shocked at the level of insight she had into the implications of the quote. I was mostly surprised that her response indicates she does indeed listen when I speak! She wrote this essay without any help from me. It sounds like Aristotle was rather like a sociopath, or in the very least, like a Machiavellian in his views. I'll let you …
Iagoism: Or, passive aggression is still aggression
In Shakespeare's Othello, perhaps the most unwatchable/watchable play there is, Othello murders his wife Desdemona believing as he does that she has cheated on him with Casio. It's an awful business; for one thing, she's entirely innocent. How does it come about that noble Othello's moral vision is so entirely clouded that he commits this heinous act? Well, he needed some help in breaking that terrible taboo. The help comes from Iago who subtly poisons Othello's mind. Two questions emerge: How does Iago do it and why? Let's start with the second question first. Why does Iago destroy Othello (and Desdemona too, let's not forget)? This question has puzzled scholars through the ages. Iago …
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