There has been a story in the UK news this week that touched my heart. It's a story of a ruthless abuser who controlled, abused and manipulated their partner. Sounds familiar? Two years of mental, emotional and financial cruelty, the physical injuries alone resulted in the need for corrective surgery. The attacks included bleach sprayed in the eyes. Lit cigarettes up the nose. Fractured skull. Cracked ribs. Repeated scalding with an iron and boiling water and attacks with a claw hammer. And yet even after all that ill-treatment, the victim has not lost faith in finding another partner. These are the touching words that reached out to me and brought tears to my eyes: “It's going to be di …
Overcoming the hype to educate people about sociopaths
Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader whom we'll call “Eleanor.” Thank you for your wonderful site Lovefraud! It has helped me tremendously. I am still with my sociopath husband, but am quietly and surely planning on leaving. We have a few children so it really makes it more complicated. He has now gone up to the next stage in what I've read sociopaths love to do. I'm so thankful that I read about it before he did it and know how to react and what to expect! He's started to call up my family, giving them a sob story about how broken he is and how I won't get any help (we've gone through a few counselors, with no obvious results as they've all been taken in by his a …
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Evidence that negative interactions lead to inflammation
New research documents the link between negative social interactions and the production of proteins that trigger inflammation in the body. Read Social friction tied to inflammation, on ScienceNews.org. Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader. …
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Happiness: How do we know when we have found it?
By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired) We frequently talk on Lovefraud about finding healing and being “happy” again. We discuss the words “forgiveness” and other emotionally charged words that have individual meanings and try to come to some conclusion that we have a definition of these words for ourselves. I got to thinking about the meaning of “happiness,” and how I will know when I have reached it. What is happiness to me? For me? After my husband died, there was a period of time when in my profound sadness and grief, that I thought “happiness” could be found in finding another mate and husband. I went seeking that “happiness,” and instead of a life mate and loving relationship with a …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: See, smell, taste, hear and feel freedom
Editor's note: The following essay was submitted by a Lovefraud reader, who has discovered that she can find healing from her encounter with a sociopath through writing. Awakened Senses By Nancy Voelker I see ”¦ a field as I drive through the countryside. We had a picnic and laid looking at clouds, bodies entwined. I smell ”¦ smoke from a chimney. His arms were wrapped around me as music played softly and we watched the flames dance. I taste ”¦ butter on my finger as I make dinner in my quiet kitchen. We spent an afternoon boiling lobsters and gorging ourselves. Kissing butter off our chins. I hear ”¦ a song playing as I wander through the bookstore alone. He grabbed me and …
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Gratitude and Miracles
Editor's note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud's statement on Spiritual Recovery. It is easy to get caught up in the pain and suffering and not see all the good. Often times, when we are most hurt, it is difficult to see anything but pain and evil. The world is full of good, selfless giving, love and miracles. We just need to look for it! I like a saying I once heard that goes like this”¦ “You are what you pay attention” This is true for me because when I am grateful, I feel good. And when I feel good, I anticipate good things and miracles. If I am looking for these things, they tend to materialize. Today I am grateful for all of y …
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
This week I've been inspired by another motivational quote that I hadn't seen for a while: ”What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson And it got me thinking. Looking back over my own experiences of abusive people, I realize that I believed words over actions. That because the things they were doing were so divorced from the story I was being told, I decided that I must have misunderstood. It must be me who is misinterpreting the situation. It must be because I'm giving out mixed messages. Heck, perhaps it's just that I'm asking too much — perhaps I just need to be grateful for what I have and be more understanding of the other person's point of view? …
Joe Paterno and ignorance of evil
Joe Paterno, the legendary Penn State football coach, has died. I can't help but wonder if the travesty of the last few months, with his former assistant coach, Jerry Sandusky, being charged with sexually molesting 10 young boys over 15 years, killed him. I'm not an alumna of Penn State. (I am, however, an alumna of Syracuse University, with its own scandal of an assistant basketball coach allegedly molesting boys.) Still, I hate to see the storied career of Joe Paterno forever blackened by the malevolent behavior of one man, if that proves to be the case. Some people argue that Paterno had to know what was going on. They argue that Paterno was so concerned about his legacy, the …
Is the cruise ship captain a psychopath? I think so, and here’s why
By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired) The Italian cruise ship Costa Concordia wrecked a few days ago and early reports said that it had hit some rocks. Quickly though, reports came out that the captain, Francesco Schettino, had driven the ship closer than normal to those rocks on the way out of port in order to show off the ship to the residents. An article from the New York Times gives more details. More bodies found on ship, as transcripts reveal rebuke to captain Interviews from some of the over 4,020 passengers of the liner stated in news reports that it was “like the Titanic.” Only shortly after the shipwreck it was determined that the captain had left the ship early on, and als …
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When clergy are abusers
Editor's note: The following list was compiled by Carolyn Waterstradt, who holds a masters degree in theology and will graduate with masters degree in social work in April 2012. Carolyn owns Inner Quest Healing, where she works with survivors of clergy sexual abuse. This partial list of grooming techniques was compiled from her research with 18 women who were abused by a member of the clergy. Her book, "Fighting the Good Fight: Healing and Advocacy after Clergy Sexual Assault," is a compilation of this research and will be available in spring 2012. This article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud's statement on Spiritual Recovery. 10 Grooming Techniques Commonly Used in Cle …