How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: This is the time for me to learn who I am

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's Note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we'll call "Adelade." After the sociopath, she says, this is the time to learn who she is.Since the collapse of my second marriage, I have learned more than I would ever have wanted to know about sociopathy and their source targets - better known as, "victims." At one point, I had believed that my second marriage was stable, trust-based, and supportive, but I have recounted the years and the stunning discoveries that I made about my ex, and the symptoms (or, Red Flags) were all there, though they were more subtle and the absence of physical abuse, helped to frame the ex's facade.Through some very …

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15 valuable lessons from ‘The Sociopath Next Door’

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UPDATED FOR 2024. The Sociopath Next Door, by Martha Stout, Ph.D., is a classic for describing sociopathic behavior. I read the book when it was first published in early 2005, shortly before Lovefraud launched. Thirteen years later, I read read it again.I've learned a lot about sociopaths during those 13 years, so the second read was certainly a different experience. The first time I read the book, much of what Stout wrote was a revelation. Here are my observations from the second time around: Stout does a good job of describing sociopathic motivation, but her book fails to capture how dangerous and destructive these people are.The reason, I believe, is that this was never a book about …

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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: She was deceiving both of us and living a double life

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Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following email from a man whom we'll call "Roger." He says his girlfriend was seeing two men at once, deceiving both of them and living a double life.UPDATED FOR 2024: First off this is a man's story and I hope it will help other men who have had to deal with sociopathic women. No offense women but most stories here are written by women!So I met my X-fiancee about 3 years at a job function. She was beautiful, sweet, caring, attractive — just seemed like an extremely “genuine” person at the time. We would constantly email each other all day and the more we conversed, the more I was realizing how similar we both were in every way. We were both divorced, ha …

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When you discover the appalling truth, do not confront the sociopath

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UPDATED FOR 2024. You've felt like something was off about your romantic partner for a long time, but you could never quite figure out what it was. Then, suddenly and harshly, you learn the truth. You discover that this person is cheating on you. Or forged your signature to open up credit cards. Or has kids you never knew about. Or is only pretending to go to work every day. Or is married to someone else. However it happened, you learn that your partner is betraying you. Your first instinct is to confront your partner and demand answers. DON'T DO IT. When you learn what is really going on, the best thing you can do is nothing, at least temporarily. Do not lash out. Instead, no matter how …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: To the liar named SHAME!

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: The following was sent to Lovefraud by the reader who posts as “Adelle.” She realized she was listening to a liar named shame, and banished it from her life.Looking back now, I realize how much damage SHAME can do. Of course the Spaths do the damage but along the way we pick up things that we think keep us safe.  These things that we cling to so tightly do exactly the opposite of what we think they do.Shame was one of my worst enemies in my SP experience. I didn't want anyone to know, what would they say? What would they think of me? They won't believe me!When I finally started telling people about my experience, I got the occasional, “Not you, you're so …

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5 tips for dealing with a sociopath

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Lovefraud's standard advice for interacting with a sociopath is not to interact at all, to implement a strict policy of No Contact. Unfortunately, this isn't always possible. Perhaps you share children with a sociopathic ex-partner. Or perhaps you have a disordered boss or co-worker, and aren't yet able to find new employment. Or perhaps some member of your family is disordered. If you have no choice but to interact with a problem person, here are some tips that may help you. Do not react emotionally. Sociopaths will often do or say unpleasant things just to provoke a reaction out of you. Do not take the bait. Remember, all sociopaths really want is to win. If they get an emotional …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hooked by an Internet predator

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader whom we'll call “Greta.” She writes about being hooked by an internet predator.After being married for 23 years to an alcoholic, being sad and lonely, I was vulnerable and targeted by a sociopath online through Facebook. I live in the US, he was from the Netherlands but living in Italy at time. He sent me a random friend request, I accepted, we talked on instant message chat occasionally for about 9 months and then he zeroed in.He speaks 5 languages fluently and has traveled to many countries. He is very bright and articulate. We had similar interests, especially spiritually, or at least the ill …

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10 Facts to help you explain your experience with a sociopath

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UPDATED FOR 2024. The biggest reason why we get tangled up with sociopaths is because we don't know they exist. We don't know they live among us, so we don't watch out for them, so we get in trouble.Then, when we try to tell our friends and families what happened, they have no idea what we're talking about — because they don't know sociopaths exist either. So on top of the devastation we endure from the sociopath, when we turn to others for support, we are not understood or even believed.If you're trying to explain your experience with a sociopath, here are some facts to help you put your story in context:1 . Approximately 40 million people in the United States — 12% of the population — could …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: A sorry senior citizen

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we'll call "Regina," a senior citizen who encountered a sociopath.I am now 77 years old and my sociopath is 74. We were together almost 7 years. You would think at my age I would have known better. I have finally left the creep for the 4th time, and with the help of Lovefraud blogs, I am on my way to full recovery. It still hurts that I could have been so stupid, but here's my story.To try and understand why I let myself be sucked in to a relationship with this creep, I have to go back 18 years to when my husband died. Shortly after his death, my nephew, then 15 years old, robbed me to the tune of …

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Am I a sociopath magnet?

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Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we'll call "Kristinan32." Donna Andersen responds at the end of it.I've had a long history with NPDs and Sociopaths. Am I some sort of magnet?I am a caring individual, rescue animals, take care of people. Go figure. My daughter's father was one, the last guy I was with was one, up until he died.Two years later, I decided I've 'healed' somewhat after everything, and I see my old friend's brother on a social media site. I never really knew him, so I contacted him, out of the blue. So, we hit it off fast. This is unlike me, I don't take things fast. We talk, we get along, everything's fun and good.He tells me he has mental …

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