How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: A thank you note to my sociopath

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Editor's note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader "Adelle." It's a thank you note to the sociopath who targeted her. You'll see why.  To the sociopath: I just want to thank you for all the things you do that keep me away from you! Had you not done those things or continue to do them, I may have thought you'd changed. You know we here at Lovefraud sometimes give you sociopaths too much credit! You guys are not as bright and slick as we think you are. You keep doing the things that confirm who and what you are. If you would just walk away, respect and accept the fact that you have been dumped, maybe you could fool us again into thinking you have an ounce of dignity. …

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Red Flags of Love Fraud #2: Sudden soul mates

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When sociopaths target you for romantic exploitation, it seems that their favorite term of endearment is "soul mate." That’s why “Sudden soul mates” is the second warning sign in my book, Red Flags of Love Fraud — 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath.When they’ve set their eyes on you, sociopaths gush about finding the man or woman of their dreams, the person they've wanted all their lives. They liberally talk about destiny, how the relationship was meant to be. If you, the target, are religious, sociopaths smoothly proclaim that God has brought you together. My book is based upon the 1,352 responses that I received for my Lovefraud Romantic Partner Survey. Asked to describe the sociopaths …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: We met at church – I thought he was a decent man

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Editor's note: The Lovefraud reader who posts as "Radar_On" sent the following letter about a man she met at church and married. She thought he was a decent man.How does one begin to tell the tale of the masquerade and the swath of destruction at the hands of liars, narcissists, sociopaths, and so on? The psychological, emotional, mental damage that has been inflicted upon us is too much for the "normal" person to comprehend. Unless someone has been through, and survived living through situations like this, average people just can't understand, or relate!I am a 52yr. old woman that has been through much in my life. This current situation is my 3rd. marriage. My first ex husband (my …

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Intuition and the purpose of the sociopath

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When I realized that the man I married was a sociopath, and our entire marriage was a scam, I was shocked. I didn’t deserve it. I was a good and honest person. Why did this happen to me? Today I’m going to propose that there may be an unexpected answer to the question. I’m going to talk about intuition and the purpose of the sociopath.Here’s my proposition, which you may find surprising at first, but stick with me: Our awful entanglements with sociopaths often have a larger purpose, and that’s our personal spiritual growth.This is an extremely difficult concept, especially when we believe in a benevolent God, universe, or higher power—whatever term you want to use—who only wants the best for …

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We’re divorced, have no kids — so why is my ex driving slowly by my house?

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There is no such thing as an amicable divorce with a sociopath. They try to ruin you financially. They smear you to everyone who knows you. This is what a Lovefraud reader experienced. So she sent me an email and asked, “Why is my ex driving slowly by my house?”Here’s the full email, from the reader whom we’ll call Cecilia25:I had emailed you about a year and a half ago. I explained to you that my husband had a Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde personality. He would disappear for hours sometimes days and would not answer calls or texts. He gave me the silent treatment and was a pathological liar. He had beaten down my self esteem.You told me that was typical sociopathic behavior. You told me a divorce wo …

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My heart felt full in Italy: A sign of recovery

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I just spent two and a half wonderful weeks in Italy with my husband, Terry Kelly. We gave ourselves the trip for our 20th wedding anniversary. It was the trip of a lifetime, and multiple times in the first few days I said to Terry, “I can’t believe we’re here.” The art was astonishing, the food was delicious, and the people were warm and friendly. The entire time, my heart felt full. It was a feeling that I hope all Lovefraud readers can experience, even after a run-in with a sociopath.Rome, Naples and SicilyWe spent five days in Rome, five days in Naples and five days in Acireale, Sicily. In Rome we saw the major sites — the Colosseum, Vatican Museum, Sistine Chapel, St. Pete …

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Red Flags of Love Fraud #1: Charisma and charm

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Because the word "sociopath" is often used to describe criminals and murderers, you may expect these people to have angry, foul temperaments, and they often do. But that comes later, after they have their hooks in you. When you first meet them, many sociopaths have an attractive, appealing energy about them. They demonstrate their interest in you through lavish attention, flattery and kindness. That’s why the first Red Flag of Love Fraud is, “Charisma and charm.”My second book, Red Flags of Love Fraud — 10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, reveals the tactics of social predators who pursue romantic relationships not for love, but for exploitation. There’s a lot more understanding of antis …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Layers of shame and guilt

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UPDATED FOR 2025. Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following email from a woman who is herself a mental health professional about the layers of shame and guilt that she feels. Names have been changed.The sociopath has an amazing ability to determine who can be manipulated or is vulnerable. When I separated from my sociopath, I had to recognize how I was conditioned as a child to be trusting and compliant. I was rewarded when I took care of others; my parents wanted a kind child. Their shaping was successful and I care very well for others. What I lacked was the ability to care for myself and to discern who deserved my care, who would return the love and respect that I gave. Lack of this …

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Manipulation, victim-blaming and deeper meaning

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When so-called experts explain what makes people susceptible to manipulation, it often sounds like victim-blaming. But in many cases, like mine, these mainstream explanations may not completely explain what happened. Yes, the person doing the manipulating has bad intentions, but there may actually be a deeper meaning for the person who is manipulated.Wikipedia on psychological manipulationA Lovefraud reader once sent me a link from Wikipedia on the topic of psychological manipulation. The article reflected mainstream expert views on how people engage in psychological manipulation and why their targets fall for it. I’m fine with Wikipedia’s descriptions of what manipulators do. But as for why …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Mother as sociopath

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UPDATED FOR 2025. Editor's note: The following email was sent by the Lovefraud reader who posts as "OpalRose" about her sociopathic mother.I'm not a good writer, but I've learned so much the past 3 years from Love Fraud that I decided to write about my “Long Night's Journey into Day” about emerging from childhood with a sociopathic mother.My first experience of something amiss that stuck with me was probably pre-school when she had a full-blown temper tantrum that I brought her too many envelopes. She had asked for “a few envelopes” and I had brought 7 — she even counted them out and screamed that I should know that “a few” means 3. So much for my ability to read minds. She insisted that “if …

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