My blog article last week was entitled, Why falling for a romance scam doesn’t mean you’re stupid. I related several stories of people who thought they were in romantic relationships, but everything their so-called partners told them was a lie. One woman lost $100,000. Another lost her life.
In response to the article, I received the following comment from a reader:
I’ve figured out that the common denominator with all these love scams, is lack of SELF love!
Why are there so many ppl that don’t love themselves enough to not place themselves in these crazy scenarios?
In some cases, there may be truth to this observation — yes, some people do not think highly of themselves. But I do not believe that a lack of self-love is the main reason why people end up in fake relationships with sociopaths.
Sociopath’s strategy of deception
The key strategy that sociopaths use to seduce their unsuspecting targets is deception. They lie. They forge documentation. They create elaborate schemes of fake friends and family members who supposedly vouch for them.
The whole point of deception is that the target doesn’t realize that he or she is being deceived.
For skilled liars like sociopaths, deception is easy. They’ve been doing it all their lives. But for the rest of us, spotting deception is hard. In fact, research shows that on average, people can spot a lie only 53% of the time. That’s not much better than flipping a coin.
Add in the fact that the target wants to believe all of the flattery, compliments and promises of the sociopath — well, most people don’t stand a chance.
My involvement with a sociopath
My ex-husband, James Montgomery, was a total fraud who scammed me for more than a quarter-million dollars. How did he do it? He deceived me.
He presented himself to be a war hero and a successful businessman. He talked like a war hero and successful businessman. He shared his military commendations — I didn’t know that they were forged. He introduced me to his business partners. They’d been deceived as well.
Yes, I had some vulnerabilities — I was single and wanted a partner. But I was a successful, confident business owner. I had a lot of friends who cared about me. When James Montgomery came into my life, I felt like I’d finally met the man that I deserved.
I was not suffering from a lack of self-love. I was deceived.
Many other Lovefraud readers feel exactly the same way.
Protection through awareness
So what’s the answer? How do we protect ourselves from romance scams?
The first step is awareness.
Sociopaths exist. They live all among us. They appear at first to be normal, but their motivations are totally different. Their goal is to exploit us.
When we know that sociopaths are out there, and we know that they lie, we have the fundamental tools to protect ourselves.
A disordered woman explains her goals
I wholeheartedly agree, I too was deceived and was certainly not short of self love. I also felt that I deserved the wonderful relationship that was being offered to me. Older and wiser by now.
Hafren: i also had a strong sense of self when I became tangled in a web of deception by a love bombing malignant narcissist. Having spent a majority of my adult life assisting people in need, I was confident in myself and my abilities. I am confirtable with who I am. Yet having empathic tendencies of caring too much, I was idealizing his professed commitment to change into believing he actually wanted to change and could change with my help and love.
Thank you for this article, and I also wholeheartedly agree. I was lied to, deceived & manipulated on many levels. I believe now that the individual i was entrapped with was on the border between socio and psychopath. He didn’t scam me out of lots of money or possessions, he was after my heart and soul. It feels like a psychic rape.
These people KNOW what they want; when you’re a target, you’re ‘homed’ in on, like a radar..What it takes to sweet talk you, charm you, say anything, do anything to reel you into their world..telling lies when and if necessary (even if the truth is there, its easier and far more fun for them to lie). Time IS on your side; the quick rush to become engaged, married, whatever is another deception. The quicker they can reel you in, the better. You need time, to listen, ask yourself questions, ask for advice/counsel..If something they say or do, is “off”, its a warning. Listen to your inner warnings.. The bells are going off for GOOD reasons. Question them at length; they wont like it, but information gained is information needed.. Take your time; it really is your ally.
regretfully mine – Time certainly helps – I was one of those who got engaged and married too quickly. But spending more time getting to know the person isn’t foolproof. I’ve heard from many people who told me their sociopathic partner was on his or her best behavior for YEARS – managed to maintain the charade – until the target signed on the dotted line and was committed. Then the sociopaths true colors started to show.
Thank you, Donna, for this last insightful wisdom that you have written here. What touches my heart most is that you are standing for the dignity of survivors. Too often there is a tendency to subtly ” blame the victim “. This is actually one of the things that keep people stuck, I think – looking for character flaws within themselves in their attempts to figure out how they got caught up in someone else’s destructiveness and trying to use self blame to get out of the web, which only causes the person to become even more enmeshed. Then there are those who try to find a common denominator of survivors which causes them to become a target. This happens especially with people who have never been in the position of being psychologically abused – their attitude is that they are too smart or – whatever – to have become involved in the first place, or that they would have been able to spot a psychotic person way in advance. I guess it is a scary thought to realize each one of us is vulnerable. But your site is a real life saver for everyone and it would behoove everybody to humbly learn about this facet of life so we all can gain in self protection by education. Thanks again.
I too appreciate Donna’s insights and support. I’m surprised at how long it takes to get over the loss of the relationship. I feel like I was in a really good place prior to meeting and falling in love with Steven (a disturbed character). In retrospect, all the warning signs that I am now well familiarized with (thanks to Donna, Michael Master’s YouTube, etc.) were there. But at the time I was totally swept off my feet and thought this was the love of my life. It took me three years to figure it out. The tip-off was a google search about some concerning characteristics I noticed in Steven. That day of google searching lead me to Michael Master’s YouTube, which then lead to finding Donna’s Love Fraud education which I purchased and watched the same day. The next day I went searching for an appartment and had moved out within a month. That was October of 2017. Since that time I have divorced and moved back home to Utah and am still struggling to get my life back. The emotional and physical connection were so intense, that I’m surprised by the resurgence of feelings that I feel I should be long over. Most people have no idea about these dynamics, so it’s a lonely road keeping it all to myself as I strive to recreate confidence and happiness in my life.
Kathryn – thank you for sharing. It does take time to recover. The key is to allow ourselves to really feel the pain of the betrayal and get it out of our system. Once the emotional hurricane has passed, a new life is surely possible.
Polestar – Yes, people do tend to blame the victim. And we also blame ourselves. But the blame needs to rest with the perpetrator. They are exploiters who know exactly what they are doing. We are merely humans, treating people the way we would want to be treated.
People who blame the victim are ignorant. I don’t listen to them.
Sandra Brown says they can be parasites- financial or emotional.
The sociopath who kidnapped Elizabeth Smart acted like a normal person to be hired by her mom.