Before my run-in with a sociopath, my philosophy was pretty simple: Do what you're supposed to do, and you'll stay out of trouble. It worked when I was younger. I studied hard in school, did my chores around the house and earned lots of Girl Scout merit badges. As a teenager and young adult, I never ran with a fast crowd. My cousin did, and I saw what happened to her. She should have known better, I thought. Those kids were nothing but trouble. They were hanging out and smoking dope. What did she expect? Fast forward 20 years. I'm a single professional with a profitable small business. My philosophy seemed to be working out—I'd never been in any serious trouble. Then the sociopath swept i …
The first step in recovering from a sociopath: Staying alive
Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader who we'll call “Lillian.” Yes. It happened to me. It took him six years but he left. He left me holding two mortgages in both our names. He left me once I ran out of cash. He left me when I got laid off. I am almost 50 years old and I have nothing. I haven't heard from him in over a year. He encouraged me to buy a bigger, more expensive house than I would have on my own and came up with half the down. He moved in. Wouldn't pay anything. Got us a joint account and credit card. I worked. He didn't even buy groceries. He bought himself a boat after three years of hell as I got angrier and angrier because he just lay on the couch. Th …
The first step in recovering from a sociopath: Staying aliveRead More
Psychopaths and predatory memory
When I was married to James Montgomery, who I believe is a psychopath, we once attended a local trade show together. We ran into a woman whom I didn't know at all and James barely knew. After about one minute of conversation, James started offering to help her with some project that she was working on. “What did you do that for?” I asked James after we continued on our way. “What?” “Offer to help that woman. You hardly know her.” “Do you know who she's married to?” James asked. It was a man that he believed could possibly be useful to his plans. Psychopaths are always on the lookout for people they might be able to manipulate. A study published last year by Canadian researchers …
What works when dealing with a sociopath?
Lovefraud recently received the letter below from a reader; we'll call her Andrea. I was married to a sociopath for 12 years (didn't know it until we divorced). He had 3 affairs and was a minister for a majority of that time. He messed up a lot of lives. Anyway, I am at my wits end right now because I cannot get him out of my life because we had 2 children. I am so tired of dealing with him. My kids are 12 and 10 now and my ex is doing everything in his power to try and convince my son to go live with him when he's 14. I see it happening and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I keep notes about everything that happens, but my lawyer tells me that it would be a very hard case if my …
LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: Leaning on his family while battling his wife
Editor's note: The following letter was sent by Lovefraud reader; we'll call him “Bob.” Other names and locations have also been changed. We were living in a midwest city; she moved there for her job transfer several months before the children and I could move. She had one previous affair with a co-worker in our previous city. After I discovered the affair, she sought out the job transfer. I believe the reason being to get out of town and not have to face her co-workers and our friends once the news of the affair and our failing marriage got out. She moved to the new city ahead of me, I stayed back with the children to keep them in school and sell the house. Five months later when we all fin …
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Psychopaths more likely to get out of jail
You would think parole boards would know better. After all, they deal with bad guys all day, every day, and they're supposed to decide when criminals are sufficiently rehabilitated to return to society. But a study released in January found that when psychopaths in Canada's prisons were up for parole, they were 2.5 times more likely to win conditional release than non-psychopaths. The study was conducted by Dr. Stephen Porter from Dalhousie University in Nova Scotia and published in the Journal of Legal and Criminological Psychology. It looked at 310 men who spent at least two years in a Canadian prison between 1995 and 1997. Most had committed violent crimes. Ninety of the men were …
Identifying sociopathic behavior is easy; giving advice is hard
Just about every day, Lovefraud receives e-mail from readers who are looking for answers about confusing, contradictory and abusive behavior exhibited by people in their lives. The new readers don't understand what they are dealing with; they just tell, either in a few paragraphs or lengthy compositions, their stories. The e-mails describe some or many of the following behaviors: Pathological lying Pity plays Shallow emotions Devalue and discard Cheating or promiscuity Addiction to drugs or alcohol Controlling demands Financial irresponsibility Manipulation of children Broken promises Claims of “you made me do it” Pleas of “I'll never do it again” The …
Identifying sociopathic behavior is easy; giving advice is hardRead More
When relatives suspect child abuse
A woman contacted Lovefraud seeking advice in dealing with an extremely disturbing situation. This woman, we'll call her Rosalyn, suspects her sister-in-law of child abuse. Rosalyn has been caring for the child regularly ever since she was small, and the girl is now starting school. The little girl if fine in Rosalyn's care, but when it's time for her go home, when Rosalyn says, “Mommy's coming to get you,” the child starts crying and carrying on. Several times Rosalyn has noticed that the child had bruises. “How did your hurt yourself?” she asked. The girl said she didn't remember. Other incidents also have Rosalyn concerned about her young niece's wellbeing. Rosalyn sees behavior in her …
TARGETED TEENS AND 20s: How do you handle a high school bully?
Lovefraud recently received a letter from a 17-year-old high school student--we'll call him Brandon. He wrote that another boy at school was using manipulation to bully him. When Brandon resisted, the bully asked what he had done wrong, and why Brandon was being so mean—I can almost hear the false concern and sincerity dripping from his voice. The bully told Brandon to apologize. What happened next was classic sociopathic behavior. Here's what Brandon wrote: When I moved away from him, he came and found me and was aggressive and wouldn't leave me alone. And kept getting other people involved by asking them to ask me why I wouldn't talk to him. He then punched me and blamed me for p …
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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Do not expect the truth in an oral trial
Editor's Note: The Lovefraud reader who write as "Jofary" relates her experience with a sociopath in Canadian divorce court. I first participated on this site three years ago when I learned that my daughter, then only a toddler, was being sexually molested by her father (my ex). Up until that point, I was dealing with things in the typical way. I had caught my ex cheating on me and, when our son was only three months old, he immediately moved in with his mistress, who herself had extricated herself from her fifteen year stable marriage, believing my ex to be her “best friend and soul mate.” That was extremely distasteful in and of itself but, given my ex's contributions (or lack thereof) …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Do not expect the truth in an oral trialRead More