UPDATED FOR 2024. You're shattered. You thought you finally met your soul mate, the person you were waiting for all your life. This charming, charismatic and attentive romantic partner swept you off your feet in a whirlwind romance. It was good — no, it was fabulous — until it wasn't. Now you know you had a romance with a sociopath. What does this mean? Perhaps you were subjected to the "devalue and discard" routine. Or you discovered that your partner wasn't the person he or she claimed to be. However it happened, you are heartbroken. I talk to a lot of people, both men and women, who are, or were, romantically involved with sociopaths. They're devastated, of course. But what is truly min …
Dan Jones explains how to protect yourself from Dark Triad manipulators
“The ends justify the means” — this is the basic philosophy Machiavellianism, and I heard the statement multiple times from my psychopathic ex-husband. Machiavellianism, psychopathy and narcissism are the three personality disorders of the Dark Triad, and my colleague, Dan Jones, recently gave a TEDx talk on how to spot and deal with them. Dan is a psychology researcher and associate professor of management at the University of Nevada, Reno. He specializes in the Dark Triad, particularly Machiavellianism. This is a personality trait characterized by manipulativeness, deceitfulness, high levels of self-interest, according to Psychology Today. Niccolo Machiavelli The trait i …
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A mother asks: ‘What is my responsibility toward my sociopathic adult son?’
Updated for 2024. Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader whom we'll call, "Margaret Louise." She has a sociopathic adult son, and asks about her responsibilities regarding him. Please point me in the direction for good advice about recovering from heartache caused by my adult son, who is a sociopath. And, help me realize my responsibilities as his parent. Joshua is 33 years old. He has 3 children by 3 different women. While he is in the relationship with the women, I am blacklisted from contact with my grandchildren. As the relationships fall apart, and the mothers realize they’ve been duped, I can begin to have that cherished relationship with my grandchildren and f …
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Does he sound like a full-blown narcissist and/or sociopath? Or maybe some form of borderline personality disorder?
UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader whom we'll call "bonnie2017." Donna Andersen responds to her questions at the end of the letter. Names have been changed. Following my most recent life-shattering break-up 4 weeks ago, I happened upon your website, lovefraud.com, and found it extremely helpful and insightful! I first wanted to thank you for all the invaluable information you provide. I also wanted to tell you my sad story about my almost-baby-daddy and get your feedback. Maybe it can help others too. From January through May, I had been unknowingly dating what I thought was a narcissist (but recently realized he may …
Can therapy help a psychopath? 3 key factors
UPDATED FOR 2024. The behavior of some people in your life leaves you shocked and mystified. They tell stories that don't add up, in fact, they flat out lie. They are charming one minute and hateful the next. They hurt you, seemingly on purpose, and then act like nothing happened. You come to the conclusion that something is wrong with them. They need help. They should go to therapy. The behavior I described above is typical of psychopathy and other personality disorders. So can therapy help a psychopath? I once posted a link to an extensive article published by The Atlantic called, When Your Child Is a Psychopath, by Barbara Bradley Hagerty. I invite you to read this article, …
10 tips to start dating again after leaving a sociopath
UPDATED FOR 2024. We are allowed to recover from the trauma of a relationship with a sociopath. We are allowed to move on and start dating again. In fact, if we don't move on, if we don't take our lives back, we are still in the trauma. It is healthy to put an end to it. A reporter was writing an article and sent out a query: “How do you know when to trust “your man”? I believe the answer is you can trust your man (or woman) when you can trust yourself. Victim vibes Of course, that is exactly what many of us who had multiple run-ins with sociopaths and other bad actors struggle with. How do we know that we're no longer sending out the “I'm a victim” vibes? I believe …
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Game theory and the sociopath
UPDATED FOR 2024. Shock. Total disbelief. Utter incomprehension. That's what we feel upon finally realizing that when the sociopath cheated on us, blew through our money, twisted our emotions and messed with our minds, to him or her it was all just a sick, depraved game. Sociopaths do not form emotional connections with other human beings. They do not experience love. They do not feel honor, altruism or concern for others. The words they speak and the actions they take have only one objective: getting what they want. To them, life is a game, and they want to win. Game theory is a field of study that, according to Wikipedia, “attempts to mathematically capture behavior in strategic s …
The sociopathic MO in three easy steps
UPDATED FOR 2024. I have a friend who lost his wife to cancer. After a year, he started going out in search of companionship. He knew my history of being involved with a sociopath, in fact, he knew my ex, James Montgomery. So when he had a bizarre experience with woman he dated for a few weeks, my friend had questions for me. The woman claimed to be separated from her husband, although I’m not sure that was the case. She pursued my friend relentlessly, until they had sex. At some point, she made a comment about “a lion needs fresh meat.” After that, they spent an entire day together, then she unceremoniously dumped him. My friend asked, was this woman kooky like my ex? He told me mor …
Dancing as treatment for depression
If you’re feeling depressed — and if you’re involved with a sociopath or narcissist, you certainly have reason to be depressed — how do you overcome it? Many people turn to therapy or medication, but research shows that physical exercise may be just as good. Dancing as treatment for depression is particularly effective. A new study published by the BMJ (formerly British Medical Journal) analyzed multiple previous studies with the objective of identifying the optimal dose and type of exercise for treating major depressive disorder, compared with psychotherapy, antidepressants and control conditions. “Exercise is an effective treatment for depression, with walking or jogging, yoga, and st …
How the messages we hear all our lives keep us vulnerable to sociopaths
UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following email from a woman who signed it "Tired of Being Targeted." Her letter is an opportunity to explain why we are all vulnerable to sociopaths. My son's wife sends me nasty text messages and leaves insulting voice messages. Then she complains to her husband I'm being rude and disrespectful to her. It's crazy making and she's clearly projecting. In the past I took the high road and didn't tell him but all it got me was year after year of estrangement from my son. With nobody to speak in my defense and expose the truth and her unfounded slander habit, I finally decided to send him a long letter and copy him on all her text …
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