How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Female psychopath turned into a snarling, spitting monster

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Editor's note: A Lovefraud reader, we'll call her Betty, sent her story. It's a tale of a run-in with a female psychopath who likes to destroy people for the fun of it. I got divorced and moved from Texas to California. I was 45 years old, and was hoping to transition from my career as an RN. I'd worked in the newborn nursery and the increasing numbers of drug dependent newborns were breaking my heart -- I was experiencing burnout. I tried physical rehabilitation for adults, but that too brought me in contact with awful suffering, and I didn't have enough to give my patients. I had a painful divorce and a painful career, and made the decision to pull myself together and start over. That's …

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How knowing the truth about sociopaths changes everything

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Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we'll call "Louisa." She learned the truth about sociopaths the hard way. I was in a relationship with someone that constantly cheated, and cried and begged me back. Five years of thinking we were "working through problems," sharing every detail about myself, supporting him and bailing him out of his obligations while struggling with my own. It all ended a couple of weeks ago when I found out he was molesting my 10 year old daughter and her friend... I'm feeling devastated. Reading all I have and looking back I'm resentful to myself for staying and thinking it was my best friend and soul mate. I paid a price beyond what I ever …

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Understanding trauma, the brain on PTSD, and real options for recovery

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Book Review: The Body Keeps the Score — Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma, by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. Review by Donna Andersen Many, many Lovefraud readers say that after your experience with a sociopath, you have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Even if you haven't been diagnosed by a professional, you're probably right. But what, exactly, does that mean? What happens to your brain on PTSD? And what can you do about it? All the answers are in this book. The Body Keeps the Score — Brain, mind and body in the healing of trauma, is the best explanation I've ever seen on the causes, effects and treatment of trauma. I strongly recommend that every mental health pro …

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Child abuse is America’s biggest public health crisis, and if you had a sociopathic parent, it could explain what happened to you

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UPDATED FOR 2023. I was standing in line, horrified at how a man in front of me was treating his two little girls. The girls looked to be about two and four years old. One of them was in a stroller. He yelled at the older girl — I don't know why. When she started crying, he yelled at her again, threatening to hit her if she didn't stop crying. No matter what the kids did — dropped a blanket on the floor, touched the stanchion rope — the guy yelled. If this father was treating his kids this way in public — what in the world was he doing at home? Make no mistake — the guy was engaging in child abuse, and the kids will likely suffer from it for the rest of their lives. I'm not exa …

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Is there any way to successfully deliver a warning message that the new conquest will actually hear?

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UPDATED FOR 2023. Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who posts as "FreedomWithNoRing," who asks about delivering a warning message to the sociopath's newest target. Donna Andersen responds below. I am so thankful for your website. There is so much valuable information there to help with understanding how and why one could get locked in and stay with a sociopath. I was married to an abusive sociopath for 25 years (I met him when I was 12 years old) and finally found the courage to leave 4 years ago. Divorcing and trying to co-parent with a sociopath is a complete nightmare. My ex was with another woman for 2 years. Eventually they bought a house …

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With sociopaths, words and actions can both be lies

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UPDATED FOR 2023. Lovefraud received the following observation from a reader who posts as "new_day." She notes that with a sociopath, words and actions can both be lies. I just had an A-ha moment while scrolling through Facebook. I read a post that said, "Words may lie but actions always tell the truth." The problem with understanding how sociopathic behavior is so damaging to others, is that we have to realize even Actions can Lie!! Those who are hollow of any truth or love are masters of acting! They can entertain us into thinking they are the good and loving soul mate that we were blessed to meet. In reality, it was all love fraud. Somehow, I am expected to move forward with the …

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What happens to your brain with PTSD, and a promising technique to fix it

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UPDATED FOR 2023. Many, many people involved with sociopaths end up with post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of PTSD include: Flashbacks Bad dreams Frightening thoughts Staying away from places, events, or objects that are reminders of the traumatic experience Feeling emotionally numb Feeling strong guilt, depression or worry Losing interest in activities that were enjoyable in the past Having trouble remembering the dangerous event Being easily startled Feeling tense or "on edge" Having difficulty sleeping Having angry outbursts Negative thoughts about oneself or the world …

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Classic sociopathic control strategy: Accusing you of cheating

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UPDATED FOR 2023. I was sitting at my kitchen table one day during my marriage to the sociopath, James Montgomery. We were arguing — I don't remember what about; we argued a lot. All of a sudden, Montgomery accused me of sleeping with another man. I was shocked. I had been friends with the man for about 15 years before I even met Montgomery. We were good friends. But that's all — friends. Still, Montgomery raged at me, "I know you had sex with him." I denied this, vociferously. Montgomery kept accusing — but eventually backed down. The accusation came out of thin air. I hadn't even seen my friend in months. So why did Montgomery do this? Sociopaths assume everyone cheats First o …

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The top 5 brazen lies your psychopathic partner tells you

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UPDATED FOR 2023. When you become romantically involved with a psychopath, he or she will be lying to you from the very beginning or your involvement, although you won't realize it right away. Eventually, you may start catching inconsistencies, like he said he was here, and now he's saying he was there. Or she said she did this, and now she says she did that. You'll shrug your shoulders, assuming that you misunderstood. Or, you'll ask for clarification — which your partner will answer with more lies, although you won't realize that either. So you may recognize that your partner exaggerates, or likes to spin stories, or even offers contradictory explanations. But you probably won't s …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Psychopathic boss —pure malignant evil

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Editor’s note: The following letter was sent by a reader to Lovefraud about his psychopathic boss. It is published with the permission of the author. I was foolish enough to work as a commission salesperson for a psychopath business owner. One difficult lesson I learned was that once a psychopathic boss has your pay — watch out! Especially for commission sales. Since they just might — just want — to keep your money for themselves. Or milk out the deal. Then show you who's boss. This particular psychopath hooked me by holding onto my pay. Claiming cash-flow problems. Then he said I had to keep working for him. Or else he would keep my back-pay for himself. Then finally... he paid me a …

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