On May 21, 2003 I was given the miracle of my life. The sociopath who had terrorized my existence for almost five years was arrested and I was set free from the web of his deceit. Almost imperceptibly, healing began. Without his sinister presence, the FOG of his lies began to lift. Even though I was scared, and beaten down, I began to think and feel and take action for myself, not based on what he had told me was best or good for me, but based on what was best and healing and supportive of me. Without his insidious words stealing my peace of mind with every breath, I began to unravel the web of his deceit and find myself again. I began to make choices that loved me. Choices based on my …
One man’s lies are not my truth
I was at a seminar awhile ago where the speaker quoted from Gavin deBecker's book, The Gift of Fear. deBecker writes that the first time someone hits you, you're a victim. The second time, you knew what he was capable of yet chose to stay. The speaker went on to talk about how in life we always have a choice. We can choose to stay with a man who has proven himself capable of hitting or lying or cheating, or, we can chose to do the thing we fear, leave. Walk out the door and don't look back. It is always our choice. A woman in the audience put up her hand and said, “So, you're blaming the victim. If she chooses to stay, it's her fault.” “No,” the speaker responded. “She is never responsib …
After the sociopath is gone: Our thoughts become our reality
So, it's over. He's gone and done the dirty D&D (devalue and discard, also affectionately known as ”˜diss and dump') one last time. You've sworn, ”˜that's it!' a thousand times, cried your eyes out through the night, poured your heart out into the soggy pillow and vowed to get over him. You've ripped up all his pictures, thrown out the tokens (what few there are) of his love, including the dollar store ”˜crystal' wine goblets and the fake diamond ring. You've told your friends, (what few you have left), that you will never, ever talk to the lying, cheating, manipulative rat bazturd ever again. Never. Ever. Period. Finito. Not until hell freezes over, or the Dow Jones climbs above twenty gazil …
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After the sociopath is gone: No Contact begins in my head
He was arrested at 9:14 am on May 21, 2003. It was a sunny, blue sky morning. The birds were fluttering and twittering in the trees. The river flowed lazily by, meandering through the forest, dappled with sunlight, sparkling, clear. We were in hiding. Had been since February 26 when we'd fled the city we lived in 1,000 miles away, heading west, heading to the US, he'd said. “I've got money there,” he insisted. “I'll just leave this mess to my lawyers to fix. No sense hanging around waiting for them to get it cleared up. I'll let you go once I'm out of the country,” he promised. Like all his promises, like everything he'd ever said and done, it was all a lie. On that morning in May, the li …
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After the sociopath is gone: You’re worth it!
In the world of healing from an encounter of the P(sychopath) kind, it is easy to forget that there is a world without fear, without lies, without terror, without uncertainty, out there, just around the corner from the insanity of his abuse. It's easy to forget that people don't always manipulate, deceive, devalue and destroy you. And, it's easy to forget — you never deserved their lies and manipulation in the first place. It's one of the things that makes healing from these encounters so difficult. We forget who we are as we fall into believing we are who they say... Whatever it is they tell us we are -- from beautiful to ugly, impossible to live without, impossible to live with. The most …
After the sociopath is gone: Loving another. That was then. This is now.
It is perhaps one of the most difficult things to do after having loved, The Lie. To love again without fear of the past repeating itself. To love without fear of making a mistake. Without fear of being hurt. And yet, we yearn for love. For connection. For that special someone to spend away the hours, sharing in good times and bad. To whisper sweet nothings in the night, to hold and to be held, to laugh with, cry with and even have sex with. But no, our tender hearts cry out, I can't do it. I won't. I'll never love again. Too risky. Too intimate. Too much. Or, before our broken hearts even have a chance to stop bleeding, we race out and find another, searching for that special someone to …
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After the sociopath is gone: The ABCs of healing the past
The past. We've all got one. All stumbled over its inevitable lumps and bumps, highways and by-ways leading to nowhere. It's something we can't get out of living without. It's the thing that makes our lives what they are today. It's also the thing that can keep us from living our lives today for all we're worth. We can't get rid of the past. Nor should we want to. What we can do is lighten its load and shorten its shadow on our life today by following these three simple ABC's to living freely in what Joseph Campbell calls, ”˜the rapture of now'. A. Acknowledge the reality of what is. Acknowledge your patterns of behaviour that created your reality today. B. Be accountable for your ro …
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After the sociopath is gone: Living in the wonder of now.
It has been just over six years since the man who promised to love me ”˜til death do us part (and took the ”˜til death part way too seriously) was arrested. In the intervening years, I have grown and healed and cried and slipped and stood and leaped and wrestled with truth versus fiction. I have sought to make sense of his nonsense and dropped my need to understand him as I've struggled to find my one true self beneath the debris of his torturous ride through my life. And I have survived. I have stood up tall while the sky was falling down around me. I have turned sour grapes into the heady bouquet of sunlit days of wine and roses. I have uncovered lies. Torn away the darkness and peeled b …
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Stand By Me
When I first was released from the relationship that was killing me, I felt lost, frightened, alone. I needed to focus my attention on something bigger than me, something beyond the despair of having being abused. I needed to connect to people who didn't know me, didn't know my story, didn't know about the man who promised to love me 'til death do us part and took the death part way too seriously, and so, I decided to volunteer. I thought, if I can give while I feel so impoverished, I will be reminding myself that I am not as “useless” as I feel. And it worked. Once a week, I joined a group of women and men at the church down the street from where I was living to make sandwiches for street p …
After the sociopath is gone: The rapture of being alive
It has been a long while since I contributed to the Lovefraud blog roll -- I'm excited about being back. Excited to share with you my healing journey. It has been almost six years since I was set free of Conrad, the man who promised to love me 'til death do us part and who then went about taking the 'til death part' way too seriously. In that time, my life has flourished and grown and I've become stronger, more vibrant, more confident and committed to living the life of my dreams. I look forward to being here more often! The greatest discovery of this generation is that a human being can alter their life by altering their attitude. William James Attitude. We've all got it. We all …
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