Lovefraud Blog

Walking In My Shoes: Looking Back Over My Marriage to a Sociopath

March 19, 2014 // by Quinn Pierce// 4 Comments

by Quinn Pierce Not-So-Spring Cleaning Since my divorce, I have done so much "spring cleaning" of my life, that I've given myself a pass on actually cleaning anything this year. And, as the ice melts away, I will sit idly by with a cup of tea and admire the dust as it collects on my winter clothes that remain taking up precious space in my closet. The truth is, I don't have all that many clothes left, especially since I went through several cycles of gaining and losing weight during the end of my marriage and my divorce. I chose to give away anything that didn't fit as I cleaned and sorted out my home, and my life, at the time. It probably was a subconscious act on my part to di …

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1,200 phone calls, 45 criminal charges, 21-year sentence: Michael J. Bonert’s obsessive stalking of his former girlfriend, Vicki Kuper

March 17, 2014 // by Donna Andersen// 25 Comments

By Donna Andersen Michael J. Bonert, 33, is from Delaware County, Iowa, but at the moment he is a resident of the North Central Correctional Facility in Rockwell City, Iowa. He was sentenced to 21 years behind bars for relentlessly stalking his former girlfriend, Vicki Kuper, also of Delaware County, Iowa. Bonert was charged with 45 offenses, including 24 violations of Vicki's no-contact order. And those were just the incidents that resulted in criminal charges there were many more. Since being incarcerated on August 30, 2010, Bonert has played the part of the model prisoner. One prison psychologist said his behavior was exemplary. Another described him as courteous and …

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Tools of a Sociopath: Using the Silent Treatment to Manipulate and Control

March 12, 2014 // by Quinn Pierce// 84 Comments

by Quinn Pierce A Stifling Silence One of my ex-husband's favorite tools of manipulation was the silent treatment. On the surface, it seemed like a childish ploy to get what he wanted, but in reality, the silent treatment is a behavior abusers use to attack their partner's vulnerability and self-esteem in order to exert control. I can clearly see now that my ex-husband took plenty of time in the beginning of our relationship to assess how I would react to the silent treatment. It is a skill he practiced and perfected along the way, until the greatest impact was achieved. A sociopath won't risk losing the relationship, so it was a complicated game he played to keep me off-balance, b …

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BOOK REVIEW: Letters to God

March 10, 2014 // by Donna Andersen// 1 Comment

Jane Pinney was married to a sociopath and adopted two children. Her husband attempted to poison her, and then accused her (of what, I'm not sure, but it was serious). The experience inspired Pinney to write a book called Letters to God. This book does not relay the chronology of events. Instead, it tells the story of Pinney's state of mind, in real time, as she tries to pull herself out of the abyss created by her disordered ex-husband. She starts the book by writing, I realized that in all my life, especially this past year, I have written thousands of letters to hundreds of people. Everyone under the sun, who I thought could help me in my quest to protect those I love and bring to …

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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: Psychopathic professor abuses his position as mentor

March 7, 2014 // by Lovefraud Reader// 10 Comments

Editor's Note: This letter to Lovefraud was submitted by Lovefraud reader whom we'll call “Rhona.” I've had no contact since April 21, 2013. My last direct contact was an email I sent him. In that letter, I stated what I knew to be true about our "relationship." I didn't send it to provoke future contact in fact I said at the end I would not read another email from him but instead sent it to acknowledge and assert my intelligence and my awareness that he had used my good nature against me, as well as to establish some agency of my own by openly regarding his constructed narrative about our experience as fictionalized and controlling. Since sending that letter and ending contact, I've exp …

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Tracking the False Tears of a Sociopath

March 5, 2014 // by Quinn Pierce// 60 Comments

by Quinn Pierce A Repeat Performance I looked around the room trying to assess the damage. With each tear that fell, I could sense a shift in the room. All I could think was, “Oh great, how can I possible convince this entire group of people that this is an act? These tears are not real! These words do not mean anything! He will leave here and continue to abuse and harass this child he cries for right now!" Instead, I said nothing. Such is the reality of having married and divorced a sociopath. It's a never ending struggle to maintain my composure when faced with lies, manipulation, deceit, and of course, his repeat performance as the consummate victim. Minimizing Conflict …

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Guilt, shame and committing crime

March 2, 2014 // by Donna Andersen// Leave a Comment

A recent study in the journal Psychological Science suggests that the degree to which inmates express guilt or shame may indicate how likely they are to re-offend. The researchers, June Tangney, Jeffrey Stuewig and Andres Martinez of George Mason University, associated guilt with experiences of tension, remorse and regret. They defined shame as painful feelings directed towards the self. But the researchers also said that when some people experience shame, they become defensive, deny responsibility and blame others. The study showed that inmates who felt shame, but were also defensive and blamed others, were more likely to go back to crime than those who felt guilt. Here's more …

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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: He loves, he proposes, he gets money, he abandons

February 27, 2014 // by Lovefraud Reader// 12 Comments

Editor's Note: This Letter to Lovefraud was submitted by a reader from Italy whom we'll call "Alessia." It all started a year and a half ago when I went through a huge crisis with my life that led me to make a decision to simply leave everything and go out of my country (Italy) on a long luxury vacation of four months. Knowing my destination from a past visit, and based on past decision to make this destination my second home, part of my plan was to buy a house on the beach in this four-month period. Arriving to my destination I didn't waste a second. I made a contact to real estate agency and asked to view some houses. Searching for real estate They sent me a 70+ year old real estate …

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Co-Parenting With a Sociopath: Helping My Children Navigate Through the Lies

February 26, 2014 // by Quinn Pierce// 8 Comments

by Quinn Pierce A Confused and Anxious Child My younger son recently returned home from his father's house looking visibly distressed and anxious. As we began asking what was wrong, the ever increasing list of possibilities began running through my mind. I could tell these visits were taking a toll on my son, but he is not yet at the point where he can stand up for himself to his father. My older son, however, mastered that skill earlier this year, and it has been a source of contention for my ex-husband ever since. And so, when my son started to explain what transpired the night before, it was no surprise to the rest of us as we listened. Apparently, someone asked a seemingly in …

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An interview with a Psychopath

February 25, 2014 // by Tracy Andersen// 19 Comments

Editor's Note: WARNING! The beginning of the video may be difficult to watch, but the end explains a psychopath's view on getting what he wants. This is a clip from a video created and narrated by Dr. Anna Salter entitled Truth, Lies and Sex Offenders that looks at the deceptive nature of sex offenders. In this video, Salter interviews a psychopath whose description of his manipulating and lying behavior puts him in the category of a power and control rapist. "I made this film in the hope that the next victim won't report, six or seven times as Gerold's victim did, and still not be believed," says Salter. "We have no hope of detecting and stopping this kind of sadistic behavior if we d …

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recovery46 on LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: He assured me he would never, could never hurt me like that again: “Bernice—it’s 2025 and my experience with the spath was EXACTLY the same! I kept rereading bc all the details were…”
sept4 on LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Letting go of monetary justice is releasing the ties that bind: “This is what I actually struggle with most now that I am a decade out of divorce. I did not…”
Donna Andersen on 10 Crucial strategies for leaving the sociopath: “Good point! Thank you”
sept4 on 10 Crucial strategies for leaving the sociopath: “All very true and very good advice. I would like to add that too can always call police if you…”
eleanoreliza1234 on When bad behavior shows symptoms, not flaws : “What a beautifully composed response by Emilie 18! Reassuring to know that others have experienced the same. Thank you, Emilie.”