By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired) When we are in the process of recovering from emotional pain and trauma, we aren't helpless. Even if we don't have any insurance to go to a counselor, or to pay for expensive antidepressant medications that we might actually need but can't afford, , there are many things that we already know how to do, and know that they are good for us. The best part is they are free! Exercise When we are “down” and depressed, we become lethargic and we don't want to move or do anything. We just want to crawl into a hole and pull the hole in after us. We lose interest in the parts of life that are fun, interesting and would make us actually feel better if we would do t …
Love is a leap of faith
Lovefraud recently received the following email: Hi Donna, I'm a huge fan of LoveFraud and can't thank you enough for making it happen. I know from your story that you've found a wonderful man. So have I, and we've been dating about a year. He's an upbeat, nurturing person with a great sense of humor and good boundaries! Still, I'm finding it difficult to let go and love him. I'm really surprised how long it's taking me to let go of my fear. (I've been out of my marriage 4 years and did a lot of healing before I met new guy.) Could you address this in one of your articles? I see a lot of info on how to recover, and how to spot a spath so you don't hook up with another one. But …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: On a healing path with my inner child
Editor's note: The following post was written by the Lovefraud reader “Adelade.” The first epiphany of my recovery from the exspath's damage was when my astute counselor identified my “shame-core.” In that same session, it was suggested that I read Healing The Shame That Binds You, by Bradshaw. Since I was grasping for any and every lifeline, I undertook this suggestion with a tenacity that, even in retrospect, still astounds me. I needed answers and my counselor rather shoved me in that direction, mercilessly. I use the term, “mercilessly,” because it seemed harsh at the time, but it was a truly caring and merciful shove. In a nutshell, my “shame-core” was a system of beliefs that caus …
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BOOK REVIEW: The Emotional Life of Your Brain
Reviewed by Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired) As many of you who have read my articles and book reviews in the past know, I am fascinated by scientific studies of the brain and how our experiences affect both the anatomy and physiology of our brains. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and other life events affect our brains in many ways. In their book, The Emotional Life of Your Brain, Richard J. Davidson, PhD, with Sharon Begley, reveal more about the power of the human brain. DNA—the building blocks we get from our parents—except in the case of identical twins, is unique for each of us. Our DNA works by turning on or turning off different genes which we have inherited. For example, in peo …
Army Specialist Isaac Goodwin marries for money, and his wife commits suicide
By Donna Andersen, author of Lovefraud.com Katherine Morris, a 22-year-old student about to graduate from the University of Maryland, left a final message on her iPhone: I am SO sorry for doing this to my parents in (sic) my friends, but I don't see myself ever being happy again. When I look at my future I don't see anything. I don't see kids. I don't see a husband. I don't see love. I don't see happiness. don't see a career. I just see more misery. It's easier this way. Please don't let him get away with what he's done & what he's doing. I didn't deserve this. I couldn't handle this. It completely depilitated (sic) me. Katherine's lifeless body was discovered in her car parked at …
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When others judge: how we may feel and what we can do to help ourselves
Last week, I experienced a bit of disappointment over an outsider's judgment. Several years ago, I came to terms with the fact that some people will understand what we have been through, and others simply will not. I brought myself to the place where I didn't really care what anyone else felt or thought about my situation. I forgave myself for choosing dysfunction and worked through the host of other issues associated with that choice. Then, I moved forward. Part of my momentum had to do with the fact that I chose to take other's beliefs and thoughts out of the equation. There is a fairly accurate saying about opinions, what they are like, and how everyone has one. So I came to reali …
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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Setting the record straight
Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader whom we'll call "Toby." This letter is from "Toby" to his ex girlfriend named "Celest." Names have been changed. Dear "Celest." After our talk the other day I was thinking about what you were saying in reference to "Respect." Let's talk about that. I know that here in this format I won't be interrupted every time I try to make a point. You constantly say that I need to get over you and the past. You also act as if nothing in the past matters. Even four years ago is ancient history (according to you). This however, is another one of your flaws. I would chalk it up to your age but you seem really bent on this point …
How our brains become addicted to risk
Ben Thomas, a journalist and independent researcher, studies consciousness and the brain. In an article about brains and risk, he wrote: “See, deep within your brain lies a structure known as the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), which is strongly implicated in weighing fact and emotion, and in viewing your desires through a lens of potential risks. A malfunctioning ACC may play a major part in disorders like schizophrenia, which can involve poor impulse control, whereas an overly active ACC may contribute to excessively harsh self-criticism. The ACC's judgments don't stand alone, though; they can be influenced by a region known as the nucleus accumbens (NAcc), which "lights up" with a …
Soothing the inner child
In the past few articles — and I hope this hasn't been confusing — I have tried to describe how we can help heal the damage to our self-esteem and recover our lost selves, while we are still with the sociopath or after we've left the sociopath. The most important thing is mindfulness; the awareness of what's going on in your body and mind in the presence of the sociopath. We get triggered and react emotionally to their manipulation, blame, abuse and dismissive behavior. In fact our brains and nervous systems get what is called “hijacked” by the emotional reaction, and our rational thinking is not available to us. The reaction makes us believe what we feel — e.g. we are wrong, we are lacking, …
EFT Tapping helps you deal with the trauma of sociopaths
I first learned about the concept of energy psychology a year or two ago. Here's the basic premise of energy psychology, according to David Feinstein, author of The Promise of Energy Psychology: Stimulating energy points on the skin, paired with specified mental activities, can instantly shift your brain's electrochemistry to: help overcome unwanted emotions such as fear, guilt, shame, jealousy, or anger, help change unwanted habits and behavior, and enhance your abilities to love, succeed, and enjoy life. The basic technique of energy psychology, or Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), is tapping. By tapping the endpoints of certain meridians in the body, while focusing on an …
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