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By | February 15, 2013 68 Comments

Dealing with unhappiness through mindfulness

Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.

By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)

While I am a Christian in belief, I also read about the beliefs of various other religions and philosophies because I think there are valuable lessons in the writings of each of them.

Lately as I have been increasing my study of “mindful” meditation. Since this was first practiced by Buddhists, there were some interesting points about Buddhist beliefs brought up by the author in a book I read called Mindfulness for Beginners by Jon Kabat-Zinn. This book is about mindful meditation for stress reduction, and is not a religious work.

In the Buddhist tradition, the causes of unhappiness are Greed, Aversion and Delusion. I am going to expound on these three a bit.

Greed

Greed is our desire to have something which we think will make us happy, be it a new car, a career as a singer, or to have someone love us. We have this big desire for something; anything. Actually, that feeling of unrequited desire can definitely cause unhappiness.

I think about how “greedy” I was that my children would grow up to be successful men, happy, caring and loving men. How much unhappiness did I bring on myself for having this “greed”? I think about how I spent so much time wanting to be loved by the psychopaths in my life.

Jon Kabat-Zinn says:

That doesn’t mean we cannot desire things or that we should not have goals or ambitions. It simply reminds us that we generate less suffering in ourselves and others when we are aware of how attached we may be to our desires and then let that awareness modulate our thoughts, emotions and actions.

Aversion

Aversion is the flip side of greed. Aversion comes from whatever you don’t want, don’t like, and/or would like to change. Many emotions are encompassed in aversion; anger, rage, fear, hate, and even smaller emotions like being irritable or resentful. In learning about aversion, in other words, being unhappy at how things are, I have spent too much of my life being unhappy because the world wasn’t what I wanted it to be. By acknowledging that the world or situation isn’t what I want, but not allowing those emotions to overwhelm me, I can spend less time being unhappy.

The author says:

Mindfulness of aversion is profoundly healing, because it offers us a way to at least momentarily dissolve the self-imposed but unconscious straight jacket of such automatic and unconscious reactions ”¦ it allows us to see that we have very real choices ”¦ and whether we are really better off with our emotional reaction.

Delusion

Delusion, or the trap of self-fulfilling prophecies, is the exact opposite of wisdom. This is believing what we want to believe rather than seeing the reality. This delusion, this illusion, is what keeps us welded to the psychopath and believing that they will change.

The author says about Delusion:

We can always marshal any evidence we want in support of a particular view and then believe it even if it is patently not true.

Boy, if that doesn’t sum up the delusional life I led trying to believe what I wanted to believe about the psychopaths in my life!

Overcoming the unhappiness

However, we do not have to fall prey to any of these problems, we can control how we react to whatever is happening in our lives, good, bad or indifferent. I’ve realized in the last few months I have engaged in all three of these toxic things in my personal life and I have suffered for it in stress reactions, poor health, poor sleep, and depression. But I am determined to dig myself out of the abyss in which I have sunk by doing what I know is good for me, what I already know to do, and to study other positive things I can apply to my life. I am not powerless. Knowledge is power….if you use it.

Dr. Viktor Frankl lost everything except his life in a Nazi prison camp. After he was released, he wrote in his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, “everything can be taken from a human being but one thing— the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances; to choose one’s own way.”


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Truthspeak

Joyce, oh, what a FANTASTIC article and one that I really needed to read, this morning.

Everything that you have outlined makes absolute sense. From the “greed” of wanting the divorce agreement to be “fair,” to the “aversion” of taking steps to recover myself, on every level, to the “delusion” that I am unworthy and undeserving, it all makes sense.

“Mindfulness” is something that I wasn’t taught, as a child. It wasn’t taught in the family dynamics, it wasn’ taught in schools, nor was it taught in the religion that I experienced as a child. In the family, I was taught shame. In school, I was taught more shame. In the religion, I was taught sacrifice and more shame.

I’ll add this to my long list of “MUST HAVE” readings.

Again, thank you for posting this article!!!

Brightest blessings

Ox Drover

Truthy, you are very welcome, and as always, will say I wrote this article as much or more for myself as for anyone else. It resonated with me when I read the Buddhist teachings they very much resonated with me as the root of my unhappiness in life, and they are so concise and precise that I wanted to ponder on them more and in doing so I wrote the article.

The emotional and spiritual aspects of many religions have wisdom that we can apply to our lives even if we are of some other faith, or no faith. Wisdom is wisdom no matter where it is found. I even recall some philosophy and wisdom that my P sperm donor introduced me to that I still use to this day.

Even very evil people have lessons they can teach us, so where ever a truth is found, whether in the teachings of religion or a belief system or from the mouth of a psychopath, we should examine it for validity and then embrace it as truth, or discard it as untruth. The examining it for validity is an extremely vital part though, just like when we were kids we were taught shame and to put all other’s before our own needs, as children, we were not able to examine that for validity, but as adults we can now examine it and see that it is a false concept, and discard it.

To me the quest for new and positive learning is a life long process, and healing and growing is a journey not a destination. But, the more I learn, the more I realize the amount I know is not a pimple on an elephant’s butt of what there is to know. LOL

Radar_On

Just wow! Most excellent insight indeed! Thank you!(

Radar_On

Just wow! Most excellent insight indeed! Thank you! 🙂

Truthspeak

OxD, you wrote: “Even very evil people have lessons they can teach us, so where ever a truth is found, whether in the teachings of religion or a belief system or from the mouth of a psychopath, we should examine it for validity and then embrace it as truth, or discard it as untruth.”

This needs to be on every fridge. The “truth” isn’t always pleasant or warm-and-fuzzy. But, lessons are to be learned in truths about ourselves, and about life and living.

Brightest blessings

slimone

Hi Oxy,

I was having a bout of insomnia last night. Wide awake at 3am, like I’d drunk a giant pot of coffee. Don’t know why. Nothing much is going on in my life to stress me out, or trigger me.

But everything came up for me in my sleeplessness. I was anxious and fearful during the night. I am sure everyone here can relate to how BIG things get in the middle of the night, when the world is quiet, but our minds are chattering away.

And then this morning what did I think of doing? Googling ex-spath. Then I hopped on Lovefraud for a dose of reality…and here’s this article. Perfect. Thank-you Oxy.

What I see in myself is that when I get stressed by something: insomnia, bad news, illness, hunger, loneliness…..I think of making contact. Just ‘checking’ up on him online. I do that when I am low, not when I am ‘level’. And you know what I want to see? (here’s the greed part for me)….

I want to see some evidence of his failure.

The reality is I won’t find that online. I will only find the illusion of who he pretends to be. But what is interesting to me is that it is when I feel depleted that I crave evidence of his punishment.

When I am full I have no thoughts in this direction. My greed for justice, or whatever I want to call it, is not there. And my delusion that I will be able to SEE his failure is not there. Instead, when I am strong I KNOW the truth.

Being mindful of my weaknesses, my greed and delusion, is going to save me from piling a whole bunch of extra triggering and pain on top of a sleepless night.

Oxy, I wish you well. I thought about you a bit in the wee hours. Glad you are taking care…xo, Slim

Ox Drover

My P sperm donor was one to “lecture” about various subjects and his views of life. Though he was entirely self educated, he was well read on many subjects. He loved to pontificate and I was in awe and listened. Of course some of what he said and believed was pure trash, but other things he said were very true and I had not been exposed to those ideas before I met my P sperm donor when I was 16.

I love to read and read mostly non fiction and enjoy a wide variety of reading and learning. It is interesting to me how many different things we can learn from reading the ideas of others…whether it is a book about the benefits of meditation on our brain like in the book I reviewed about “The Emotional life of your Brain” or the book about “mindful meditation for beginners” or the Bible, there are wonderful things we can learn and apply to our lives.

Even the book “The 48 laws of power,” which is essentially a play book for psychopaths, has much in it that we can learn from, it is a “hard read” because it is so triggering and it is a big book as well, and it took me months to completely read it because if I read more than a page or two at a time it was very stressful and triggering. The same author wrote “The Art of Seduction” and is a play book for men to deceive women and get sex. I actually have not read it, but have heard about it.

I prefer reading books that are more positive, but even “Without conscience” by Bob Hare is triggering actually.

First we learn about THEM, then we learn about US, so I am in the learning about ME stage, I may not know everything there is to know about psychopaths, but I know most of the red flags, and I know ENOUGH, now I need to work on knowing myself, so that is what I am doing. Even an old dog can learn new tricks.

Ox Drover

Dear Slim,

I’m glad that you found insight, as I did, in the Greed, Aversion and Delusion aspects of what makes us unhappy. I think the concepts are VERY PROFOUND and worth keeping in mind when we are unhappy….we can see if we are being greedy, feeling aversion, or are delusional.

Good for you for NOT making contact! When you feel the need, come here and read instead. (((hugs)))

Truthspeak

SLIMONE!!!!!!!!! Wow……just………..wow. You wrote, “I want to see some evidence of his failure.” That statement is brutally honest and absolutely insightful. I almost had the urge to google the exspath, recently, and I stopped myself before I did. You are 100% spot-on! It would be a search for his failure, and it will never happen.

Really, a profound and utterly honest insight, there. THank you for putting a name to it and posting it!

Brightest blessings

KatyDid

I am so thankful to see this subject. I discovered mindfulness when pursuing methods to “change my brain”. I had worked SO HARD to get into the state of delusion, that if I just did “IT” right, then my spath would be pleased and we would live happily ever after. I pretty much lost myself by the time I dragged myself out of that marraige hell. Mindfulness a wonderful method, and reminds us to give ourselves grace, and to give grace to others.

We live in a world where some of us blame ourselves for that which we had no control, and we blame others instead of holding them accountable for that which they have control.

Thank you Oxy for bringing this subject to LF. It is INVALUABLE.

KatyDid, who learned to just BE.

slimone

Truthspeak,

Maybe even more honest would be that I wanted to see his obituary!

I have only googled him once, since the unmasking 5 years ago. It was all hearts and flowers and poems and spiritual enlightenment. So, in that regard, I learned my lesson. Truth is not found in his relentless self-promotion.

KatyDid….I really understand when you say you worked hard to actually get into a fixed state of delusion (I added ‘fixed’, but that is what it feels like, to me, to try and maintain that level of delusion). I have always been pretty darned good at getting myself into a state of delusion, especially when it came to love relationships.

But even that didn’t work. They like that we’ll uphold their masks for them, and buy into their bullshit 150%. But they will still spath us. There is no reward, or perfection, that quells their disordered need for more.

And that is exactly what it is when we lose ourselves so completely….Hell.

That feeling of being ‘nowhere’, and not having a map or compass is the scariest of scares. Just typing this brings up so much gratitude in me for not being in that lonely place.

Just being is good.

Ox Drover

One of my greatest problems now is wishing things are not like they are. Aversion. OH, how I wish I could change reality. I’m no longer delusional but I’m greedy to change things….things I can’t change.

Wanting to find out about their failure or read their obit I think is normal human response, but at the same time, siting here waiting for and wishing for the prison to notify me that Bubba took a shank and cut Patrick’s throat isn’t good for me either. So I do my best to dampen down my own desire to see vindication, to even see justice. I know, I trust, that at some point they will all meet a JUST JUDGE that will meet out the sentences they deserve and it is not my job to say when or how that will happen. My job is to do my best to be the kind of person I wish they were.

slimone

I know how you feel Oxy. Most of my night was spent thinking about changing things I cannot change. I can’t erase psychopathy from the world. I can’t stop the men at the top from hurting the masses at the bottom. I can’t clean up every ocean and save every doggie and kitty that needs a home.

I think, mostly, I can clean up MY mess. Do all the things you have been writing about this week: exercising, eating well, connecting with friends, giving to others….etc…

Creating well being for ourselves is not passive, it is active. And when we are well, the world feels it.

True words ‘my job is to do my best to be the kind of person I wish they were’.

KatyDid

I did ALL three. And I am NOT excusing my X! husband the spath for what he did. But when I was SO unhappy I wanted to die, I am the one who insisted on trying to FIX things so I could Live my Delusion.

I agree with You Slimone, Oxy’s words to live by, pure gold:
My job is to do my best to be the kind of person I wish They were. BAM. Truth. Short and sweet. Perfect for me and all the other squirrels (nutcases – it’s a private joke) who are running around trying to figure out their lifes mission

kim frederick

Wow. Excellant thread. Reminds me of many things I learned through a 12 step program. Slim, we used the acronym “HALT” which reminds us that it is unsafe to allow ourselves to become too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, because it lowers our resistance. Oxy, your essay about mindfulness reminds me that,”acceptance is the key to ALL of my problems, today”, which is not to say that I accept the unacceptable, but that I accept that the unacceptable is happeneing, and also, that I cannot control other folks. I cannot cure anybody…all I can do is clean up my own side of the street. And finally, I am reminded that, “self centered fear is the primary activator of ALL my charactor defects….fear of not getting what I want or losing what I have…..the only way to get rid of self centered fear is to find a way to actively develope faith.
Wonderful article, and great comments. Thanks.

MoonDancer

great article oxy
very good comment kim
make’s me ponder ->( self centered fear )

janmc

Thank you! Mindfulness is something worked on…so easily taken back to the past hurts (as they so impact the now still for us). Indriya is the goal. This helps!! The teflon coat of reality keeps us going forward … and helps repel the negative reactions so easy to surface. Thank you again! Will be reading more on this…!

fightforwhatsright

I am so glad I joined this site and am receiving the articles. When I read one of Jon-Kabat Zinn’s first books about 9 months ago, everything began to change inside me. I immediately ordered his pain CDs and his book: Mindfulness for Depression. I have PTSD and Depression. They were caused by a lot of things, but got worse after I let a Sociopath move into my attached garage apartment. He was an old boyfriend I had gotten rid of once. But, life had hit me hard and I wanted to pay off my house. He was SO charming when he called me every few months. I feel like he got a lot worse, but maybe that was just denial. I needed the money and he really convinced me that he would be so helpful compared to a stranger for a room mate. Now, he is older and falling apart physically. It is challenging. However, it also has given me more leverage. What can a sociopath with a walker do when you walk away?!

I have been trying to practice Mindfulness and trying to get my mind on studying these horrible “types” and it is helping tremendously. I have read hundreds of self help books. Jon Kabat-Zinn’s are among the very best. I highly recommend Mindfulness….especially if you are still around one of these terrible people. Some days are awful. But, when I practice Mindfulness, I can look at my current situation in an observing type of way that helps so much. I don’t let the sociopath’s actions or words define me nearly as much.

I am very grateful for this site. Thank you.

Ox Drover

Dear fightforwhatsriight,

I used to meditate in what is about the same way as “mindfulness” and it was so helpful, but I let it slip and quit it, and I decided duriing a recent “melt down” I’ve had to read about mindfulness, and give it a try, was recommended by a PhD that does research on how our emotions CHANGE the brain itself and according to his research mindful meditation actually changes the brain in as little as 8 weeks—how cool iis that?!!!

Glad you found your way here I will think of you when I do my daily meditations. Again, welcome and God bless.

Tea Light

“everything can be taken from a human being but one thing— the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances; to choose one’s own way.”

I’m hanging on to this. It’s the key, I think.

Ox Drover

Tea Light, if you have not read “Man’s search for meaning” I suggest you do, that book was the “turn around” for me. That book and LF saved my life and sanity.

Tea Light

I will Oxy, my counselor and you have both mentioned Frankl, I plan on reading him and Jon Kabat-Zinn too, over the Easter break . Roll on April!

Ox Drover

Tea light, I could g on forever about how Frankl changed my thinking, and thus my life “as a man thinketh in is heart so is he”

Louise

Oxy:

Sounds like I NEED to read that book!

Ox Drover

Louise, it explains pain and the way we Handle adversity better than any book I ever read, how to endure what we cannot change.

Louise

Oxy:

I really need that seriously. Perhaps it will go along great with my counseling.

Tea Light

Lou last week we both broke NC and so in late March 2014 we’ll be able to post woo hoo! We did it! One year no contact! And we can do the no contact dance. That’ll be good won’t it? x

discovering

I’m interested in this idea of self- centered fear.
I do believe that is guiding my actions now.
Fear of what he might do,
fear of where I will work,
fear of where I will live,
fear of the legal process (and getting screwed)- greed and aversion I would guess.

And the ideas of greed; I never quite thought of it in the way you describe OxD. I think I always associated greed with tangible objects.

Aversion is big for me right now!!! I know more about what I don’t want than what I do want right now. Facing an unexpected separation/divorce is something that (although I didn’t want ) has to happen for me to move forward.

How do I begin to learn about what I want for me??? I think that I gave so much of myself- I thought that was a good thing but now I see that I deluding myself into believing that if I only kept giving of myself that I would be enough for him. I even recall saying that I felt him slipping away and that I felt I wasn’t good enough. Fortunately I did not suffer the verbal abuse that many women have, but the covert abuse (poisoning, gaslighting) was so much more incidious. It did cause me to question my own sanity on top of all the other nonsense.

My counselor told me that my husband is a narcissistic psychopath and that there were many masks (personalities), but that all of these “personalities” were him- counselor says the reasons for my husbands disorder is probably recriprocal (many causes).

I see now that my growth and movement forward is also recriprocal. It seems that the broad beliefs for recovery are similar- it really is all about us and our doing the work that we need to heal ourselves from what (for most of us) has been a lifetime of disordered thinking on our own part.

It is now 6:10 PM and I have resisted calling, texting, and emailing the “P” to tell him that I am thinking of him on our anniversary. Got married on the first day of spring to represent a “new beginning” 🙁

discovering

did a little research on Frankl…

from Wikipedia

Frankl concludes that there are only two races of men, decent men and indecent. No society is free of either of them, and thus there were “decent” Nazi guards and “indecent” prisoners, most notably the kapo who would torture and abuse their fellow prisoners for personal gain.
(sounds familiar)

His concluding passage in Part One describes the psychological reaction of the inmates to their liberation, which he separates into three stages.

The first is depersonalization—a period of readjustment, in which a prisoner gradually returns to the world. Initially, the liberated prisoners are so numb that they are unable to understand what freedom means, or to emotionally respond to it. Part of them believes that it is an illusion or a dream that will be taken away from them. In their first foray outside their former prison, the prisoners realized that they could not comprehend pleasure. Flowers and the reality of the freedom they had dreamed about for years were all surreal, unable to be grasped in their depersonalization.

The body is the first element to break out of this stage, responding by big appetites of eating and wanting more sleeping. Only after the partial replenishing of the body is the mind finally able to respond, as “feeling suddenly broke through the strange fetters which had restrained it” (111).

This begins the second stage, in which there is a danger of deformation. As the intense pressure on the mind is released, mental health can be endangered. Frankl uses the analogy of a diver suddenly released from his pressure chamber. He recounts the story of a decent friend who became immediately obsessed with dispensing the same violence in judgment of his abusers that they had inflicted on him.

I believe many like me have problems overcoming- wanting the “P” that hurt us so badly to see him suffer as we have. By feeling this way, Frankl is telling us that our own mental health is in danger.
I guess that means if you are fixated at this point in your recovery- that it would be beneficial to work on releasing the pain. Finding the right type of counseling seems to be the biggest battle we face in this step.

I think we all know that we as empaths, could never stoop to the depths that our abusers have. Could I systematically poison my spouse’s food and drink in order to kill them slowly with arsenic? No, that never entered into my consciousness. I could never beat him at his evil game.

Upon returning home, the prisoners had to struggle with two fundamental experiences which could also damage their mental health: bitterness and disillusionment. The last stage is bitterness at the lack of responsiveness of the world outside—a “superficiality and lack of feeling…so disgusting that one finally felt like creeping into a hole and neither hearing nor seeing human beings any more” (113).

Worse was disillusionment, which was the discovery that suffering does not end, that the longed-for happiness will not come. This was the experience of those who ”“ like Frankl ”“ returned home to discover that no one awaited them. The hope that had sustained them throughout their time in the concentration camp was now gone. Frankl cites this experience as the most difficult to overcome.

Honesty this was the most disappointing part to read since the end of suffering is what we are striving for.

Laura19

I’ve seen the title Man’s Search for Meaning come up so often recently here on Lovefraud, and I kept thinking that I had heard of it before, and I also thought that maybe I even owned it. I looked on my bookshelf just now, and there it was! It is one of those books that I’ve had for years but never read. I think the time has come to do that, finally. Thanks, Oxy, for suggesting it. I feel happy that I saw the potential in it so many years ago when I bought it, and apparently I was right!

Imara

Discovering, the self centered fear is that attachment to the stuff of our lives that every spiritual path tells us we need to detach from…I have to admit I have often had to ask myself if I am detaching or dissociating!!!! Detaching yourself from your past is what your new journey is all about! The stuff may go wether you want it to or not…. You are not your stuff…don’t worry about the stuff worry about YOU. are you eating ok? sleeping Ok? don’t isolate….The travesty of what has happened in our lives is so great that it engulfs us if we are not careful…

discovering

Imarra,
Thank you .

Just finished a chunk of chocolate cake with rocky road ice cream 🙂

Yes, I agree that the stuff is going whether I want it to or not. Truthfully, I can let it all go and start anew. I’ve got a lot of “stuff” and most of it is just that. I was never a collector of trinkets, just have a lot of stuff after 31 years of marriage .

As for me, I do need to sleep more, eat better and get out more. (are you inside my head???)

I am starting a part-time job soon, so that will help with the isolation. For now I am reading and posting and absorbing and trying to understand. I am hoovering around the acceptance stage I suppose.

It is just so hard to accept the enormity of the betrayal and the end of my hopes for our future. ( since he wanted to kill me, I guess my future is already looking brighter :))

Louise

Tea Light:

I can’t WAIT to do a dance one year from now…yay!!! I’ll come to England and we can celebrate! x

dorothy2

Discovering,

Isn’t the Buddha that says something to the affect…..Suffering is in the mind? Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Suffering is a mental activity.

discovering

D2,

I’ve heard something like that before, not sure who said it.

If suffering is a mental activity…my brain has been working over time!

Seriously, I get what you’re saying and I think that is why a good counselor ( and LF) is so important to our recovery.

I have to find myself a good counselor- you’ve inspired me to put that at the top of my to do list for Thursday.

Ox Drover

I assumed Frankl was dead but someone sent me an article about him speaking in RI a few weeks ago. The man’s writings changed my life and my attitude.

bluemosaic

Thx Ox Drover, I have not read either author mentioned above, but have read other author’s on concept of mindfulness. I am going to look for both Frankl and Zinn’s books…maybe a read this time around will have a deeper impact. There is no doubt that I went unconciuos in order to remain in my spath relationship. Thank you for this thread and thx to all LF’s comments above …gives me much to ponder and absorb.

Blue

dorothy2

Discovering,

Feeling without thinking brings grief
Thinking without feeling brings woe

Each one of these is a state of being stuck in one without using the power of the other.
Regarding suffering…..” Woe ” is being stuck in the mental turmoil of rehashing and rehashing and rehashing of the event, wishing it was something different than what it is. “Woe is me” and we stay stuck there because we don’t want to FEEL the feelings the event has triggered. The mental thoughts about what has happened (the pain) are the suffering. A “long suffering woman” is not a person that we need to be.
I have slowly been detaching myself and disciplining myself not to think certain thoughts about Spath, thoughts ( mental activity ) that create emotional pain or longing for what was really just an illusion. I see now that the things about him that I have been longing to have back are just the barbs in his lure.

discovering

Dorothy 2
Yes, I think often I am on autopilot. I act purely to get through each day. I am working on sorting out facts and feelings about what has happened to me. I keep beating myself up over the length of time this went on- no outward physical abuse, but poisoning my food and drink.

Up until a few weeks ago, I thought that I could forgive and go back. The extreme anxiety I felt must have been thinking without feeling. I was trying to have my brain lead the way to my recovery. For example; If he was willing to put all assets in my name alone, then what motivation did he have to harm me and I could go back home.

But the more I thought about it and the more I planned how this could possibly happen, the more and more anxious I felt.

Then I realized that he would still be a cheating snake. No amount of money could make me feel good about that.

I do know that I have yet to process these feelings. I have only cried a few times in the past 6 months- since I found out what he is and what he has done. I know there are things that I should be doing for my emotional and physical health- I am working towards setting small goals.

I realize the fear of his doing me further harm has been controlling my actions. I know that I can not ignore the possibility of his hurting or killing me, but I do know that the state of limbo I am in (not sure that it is the suffering woman or not) is not where I want to be.

Feeling without thinking brings grief – I cut and pasted that onto a sticky note for my
Thinking without feeling brings woe computer screen.

“I have slowly been detaching myself and disciplining myself not to think certain thoughts about Spath, thoughts ( mental activity ) that create emotional pain or longing for what was really just an illusion. I see now that the things about him that I have been longing to have back are just the barbs in his lure.”

Yes, barbs is a good visual! What strategies are you using- I think I can use some help in that department.
Thanks for your words D2- I find your posts cut right to the point.

To Be Free

I have a question…….
Does anyone ever get revenge on an ex-sp?

Ox Drover

To Be Free, revenge is a normal desire toward anyone who hurts us but it leads more to hurt for US, it is best to let go, go NO CONTACT, and move on with our own healing.

Ana

Hi all,
There are a couple of meditations online and for free happening at this time. One is Sharon Salzberg (love her)
She makes mediatation very simple and she’s been doing it for years. I’ve gone to some of her retreats…so down to earth, and funny!

The other is Deepak Chopra and Oprah. . I’m doing the Deepak chopra one right now and it’s awesome! Check them out. I think you will enjoy both of these meditators…

Ana

This is one of her posts from fb.

The things we hold on to, the grudges we bear, where are they really? @SharonSalzberg

.

As I have stated on another comment, the main thing spaths fear is the truth. Telling the truth is the only way to defeat an spath…

(my writings on this subject)
http://learus.wordpress.com/2013/03/20/the-sociopath-a-social-terrorist-part-3-2/

Ana

Dear Learus,
I went to your website. Please stop promoting yourself on LF. It seems that you encapsulate everything! What’s the deal with you? Are you a “life coach”?

dorothy2

Discovery,
I have been using the EFT/ Tapping and I think it has helped. I guess I have swallowed the bitter reality pill too. I was so caught up in the
“what if” game for so long that I was ignoring the cold hard facts and signs that had been there from the beginning. Once I started reading story after story, article after article….and kept saying, yep, that’s what he did! OMG! It just became more and more obvious that this man was a Spath and there’s no changing it. It’s futile. It’s very sad and I’m very hurt, betrayed, humiliated, violated…..and so on and so on. I’ve never hated the truth so much in my life but there is no friggin way around it.
When he slimed me this last time? OMG. My pride kicked it and I set my resolve. I will never allow someone to treat me that way! He crossed the line that he had been tap dancing on for months.
So what do I do when inevitable thoughts and longings come barging in? I notice them and either focus on what a POS he is ,,,,,,no shortage of examples there, or I let myself cry because it hurts so bad. I cry for a while and then it stops and I continue on with my day till the next round!
That I think is the “feeling with out thinking brings grief” part……if you just get stuck in the feelings, you will get swept down stream. That’s when you also need to engage your rational mind and balance those feelings with the cold hard truth of the matter. A certain amount of pure unchecked grief is ok and cathartic and I think too much is too much.

I think small goals are just what the doctor ordered.
More later discovery.
The ” barbs in his lure” I got from Truthspeak I think. I get everyone names mixed up!! She was talking about old movies and old music and her Spath.
I thought it was a great visual!!

discovering

dorothy 2,

I think we are at similar places in our recovery. I had my first group session today (just me and one other woman) and as I told my story, I cried. I felt such a sense of release and relief as I spoke. I tend to hold things in and have barely let it out. People say scream and hit things …I have been in other people’s homes most of the time so I feel like I have no real privacy. Mostly I scream or curse in the car!

I feel a sense of being tired, but in a good way. Some of the anxiety has gone and I think that I will be able to finally get some sleep tonight. Sessions are once a week, wish it were more- but it’s free service. Truthfully a godsend to me right now.

I think I am doing ok balancing the truth with the feelings. I do have to continously remind myself what how he wronged me when I start feeling/longing for him.

BLUE: sorry to hear you are having a bad day.

((HUGS TO YOU))

dorothy2

Discovering…….
You said: “Then I realized that he would still be a cheating snake. No amount of money could make me feel good about that.”

That is one of the dead end places I take my self to REALLY come to terms with illusions that I might create….illusions that create longing, etc.
I just KNOW that it would always be something. He would keep “raising the bar”. Why? I have no clue. I’m sure the reason is too twisted for me to even begin to understand.
I NEVER really trusted him. Even when I tried my best to believe the endless promises and declarations of never dying love and commitment, I never had that feeling of being able to fully relax into him.
I am certain that if we would have stayed together something much worse would have been waiting down the road.
He’s no count. A bad, dishonorable, manipulative user. Looser. POS.
nope, I’ll pass on that.

Ana

I love the meditation…It really helps. Just breathe

dorothy2

Discovering……I know it’s hard and it sucks! It sounds to me like you are doing a pretty good job for yourself.
I did do quite a bit of purging the other day while driving in my car. I felt like it was VERY therapeutic. I’ve held things back for a long time, not wanting to endure his pathetic yet cold and heartless, yet childish tantrums. I just let it all out as if he was sitting in the car with me with his mouth taped shut. It really felt good….that was when I stated doing EFT and also went on a mega reading spree. Read on LF, psycopath awareness, so I had a mega dose of reality. I personally think it was the combination of all of it.
Hang in there Discovery, I’m on your side just as everyone at LF is. Your going to get through this and be wiser and stronger for it.
It’s just a process, like being in labor. You just have to let it unfold.
{{{{{hugs to you}}}}}

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