Before my run-in with a sociopath, my philosophy was pretty simple: Do what you're supposed to do, and you'll stay out of trouble. It worked when I was younger. I studied hard in school, did my chores around the house and earned lots of Girl Scout merit badges. As a teenager and young adult, I never ran with a fast crowd. My cousin did, and I saw what happened to her. She should have known better, I thought. Those kids were nothing but trouble. They were hanging out and smoking dope. What did she expect? Fast forward 20 years. I'm a single professional with a profitable small business. My philosophy seemed to be working out—I'd never been in any serious trouble. Then the sociopath swept i …
The silent (but deadly) treatment
The silent treatment is not only silent, but can be deadly. Deadly, that is, to relationships. Deadly, more specifically, to the trust, love, safety, communication and intimacy that preserve and nourish relationships. The silent treatment (also known as stonewalling) entails a partner's (the silencer) passive-aggressively refusing to communicate with the other (the silenced). Unlike avoidance (a conflict-aversion defense), the silencer deploys the silent treatment with toxic purposes in mind. The silencer's aim is, above all, to silence communication. More specifically, it is to render the other invisible and, in so doing, induce in the “other” feelings of powerlessness and shame. (Note th …
The first step in recovering from a sociopath: Staying alive
Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader who we'll call “Lillian.” Yes. It happened to me. It took him six years but he left. He left me holding two mortgages in both our names. He left me once I ran out of cash. He left me when I got laid off. I am almost 50 years old and I have nothing. I haven't heard from him in over a year. He encouraged me to buy a bigger, more expensive house than I would have on my own and came up with half the down. He moved in. Wouldn't pay anything. Got us a joint account and credit card. I worked. He didn't even buy groceries. He bought himself a boat after three years of hell as I got angrier and angrier because he just lay on the couch. Th …
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After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 8 – Waking up
This is the eighth article in this series about the recovery path, and it is about the second half of the path. This is after we have fully accessed our anger, and begun to grieve our losses and let go. This article may not necessarily be helpful to someone who is still reeling from betrayal and loss, or even someone who is still exploring righteous anger. However, it is part of this series because a growing number of people on LoveFraud are considering the influence of their histories on their relationships, as part of healing themselves and their lives. Please, take what is valuable to you, but if this one doesn't make sense or, God forbid, makes you feel like you're being blamed, it just …
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SSSP meeting highlights: Psychopathy in women
The Society for the Scientific Study of Psychopathy met in New Orleans, LA April 16-18, 2009. There were several hot topics discussed at the meeting including how psychopathy might be different in men and women. The general consensus seemed to be that psychopathy is under-diagnosed in women because in women the symptoms are different. Dr. Edelyn Verona is a, leader in the Society. Her group presented, “An Examination of Borderline Personality Disorder and Secondary Psychopathy Across Genders.” To understand these research findings look at the list of traits below: Factor 1 Traits (Primary Psychopathy) • Glib and superficial • Egocentric and grandiose • Lack of rem …
Life is different than I wished, but now I accept what is
By Ox Drover I've been on the “Road to Healing” for a couple of years now, working on getting over the worst of the grief of my losses. According to the author of Overcoming the Devastation of Legal Abuse Syndrome, Karin Huffer, M.S., M.F.T, the greatest loss known to human kind is loss by deception. I have surely suffered PTSD from the extreme losses by deception that I have suffered. Ms. Huffer outlines eight steps to recovery for her LAS (Legal Abuse Syndrome), which she shows as caused by the legal abuse that our unfair judicial system heaps upon the heads of those already abused by others. Her eight steps for recovery are basically the recovery from the grief of our losses that we …
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Psychopaths and predatory memory
When I was married to James Montgomery, who I believe is a psychopath, we once attended a local trade show together. We ran into a woman whom I didn't know at all and James barely knew. After about one minute of conversation, James started offering to help her with some project that she was working on. “What did you do that for?” I asked James after we continued on our way. “What?” “Offer to help that woman. You hardly know her.” “Do you know who she's married to?” James asked. It was a man that he believed could possibly be useful to his plans. Psychopaths are always on the lookout for people they might be able to manipulate. A study published last year by Canadian researchers …
SSSP meeting highlights: The psychopath’s inability to love
This week “Sarah” commenting on Lovefraud wrote: What is the biggest difference between Narcissists/Psychopaths/Sociopaths and us? The ability to love! What is one of the over-riding characteristics of the N/P/S? They are they are extremely jealous & envious and must WIN! We have something they will never have . . i.e., the ability to love. In the Mask of Sanity, the first book to describe psychopathy, Hervey Cleckley wrote: The psychopath seldom shows anything that, if the chief facts were known, would pass even in the eyes of lay observers as object love”¦ In a sense, it is absurd to maintain that the psychopath's incapacity for object love is absolute, that is, to say he is (in)ca …
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The pathological self-confidence of the sociopath
Pathologically self-centered individuals, such as sociopaths or narcissists, often project a level of self-confidence that is pathlogically tremendous. This can be a problem for others who, unlike the sociopath, will be prone to empathy and self-reflection, along with which come self-doubt and hence fluctuating, less dependable levels of confidence. But the pathologically self-centered individual is often seemingly immune to self-doubt and can thus seem implacably, impressively confident. Why? The answer is suprisingly simple: When your interest in others is principally, if not entirely, about what you can get, or take, from them; when you lack the capacity for, and/or inclination to, …
What works when dealing with a sociopath?
Lovefraud recently received the letter below from a reader; we'll call her Andrea. I was married to a sociopath for 12 years (didn't know it until we divorced). He had 3 affairs and was a minister for a majority of that time. He messed up a lot of lives. Anyway, I am at my wits end right now because I cannot get him out of my life because we had 2 children. I am so tired of dealing with him. My kids are 12 and 10 now and my ex is doing everything in his power to try and convince my son to go live with him when he's 14. I see it happening and there's nothing I can do to stop it. I keep notes about everything that happens, but my lawyer tells me that it would be a very hard case if my …