As human beings, we’re not perfect, and sometimes we learn this the hard way. Shame is the unpleasant, unsettling emotion that we feel when we discover a defect in ourselves. Although we feel badly, shame can actually be constructive — it can motivate us to learn, improve, or make amends. This is healthy shame. Toxic shame, however, is destructive; we feel weak, pathetic and worthless. Sociopaths never feel healthy shame, and they push us to feel toxic shame. At the most basic level, shame is a defense mechanism, according to the National Institute for the Clinical Application of Behavioral Medicine (NICABM). It enables us to learn how to keep ourselves safe from harm. This was important i …
The silent treatment and sociopaths — it’s all about control
If you have a sociopath in your life — whether a romantic partner, family member or friend — you probably have experienced, or will experience, the silent treatment. Why? Because from the sociopath’s point of view, it works. What is the silent treatment? As the term implies, someone who engages in the silent treatment stops talking to you. You want to communicate, and the other person refuses. If you are trying to contact the individual when you are not physically in the same place, they don’t respond to your texts, emails or phone calls. If you are in the same house — heck, even in the same room — they do not acknowledge you, let alone speak to you. They may look at you, then look away. …
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When narcissistic injury turns into pathological rage
By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed., LBS I always say that all narcissists are dangerous and have the potential to escalate to pathological rage —seriously harming their targets or anyone who gets in their way. For example, let’s look at the case of Jodi Arias. In 2008, Jodi Arias was convicted of the gruesome murder of her boyfriend, Travis Alexander. I remember catching various glimpses of Jodi Arias in news articles online and on TV. I vividly remember her face. Arias and Alexander shared an on-again, off-again relationship described as tumultuous. On their last day together, Arias, 24, stabbed the 30-year-old Alexander 29 times, slit his throat, and then fired a bullet into the back of his he …
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In the New Year, true emotional recovery from the sociopath
UPDATED FOR 2022: It's the New Year, the perfect time to reflect on what we truly want in life. If you are or have been involved with a sociopath, your most ardent wish is probably for recovery. Here's the secret that will enable you to achieve your desire: All true healing is internal. Therefore, be sure to work on your emotional recovery. You may feel like I'm stating the obvious, because you feel like crap, and you want to feel better. Or worse, you are numb, and you can't feel anything. You may believe that fixing some external problem caused by the sociopath will enable you to feel better. If you can just finalize the divorce, get custody of the kids, move away, get your money b …
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Watch Donna Andersen on the Investigation Discovery TV show ‘Love, Honor, Betray’
I invite all Lovefraud readers to watch me tell my story of marriage to a sociopathic con man in the season finale of the new Investigation Discovery series called, Love, Honor, Betray. The show aired on Dec. 16, 2021, but you can still watch it on demand and online. My show is Episode 6, Too Good to Be True. (Ain't that the truth.) You can watch it here: InvestigationDiscovery.com - Search for the show on the website. If your cable TV service provides this channel you can log in and watch free. Discovery+ - Streaming service for all Discovery shows. Go to the Investigation Discovery section then search for the show. Amazon Prime - Free if you're an Amazon Prime subscriber, or you can buy …
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Recover from the sociopath by acknowledging the pain
UPDATED FOR 2021. Editor's note: Lovefraud previously published a letter from a reader whom we called "Bessy." It was entitled, "The only hope I have is that Karma exists." This is a follow-up letter from Bessy — she's not feeling any better. In my response, I suggest that she acknowledge the pain. My ex has not contacted me in 9 months and I know I should feel lucky, but I feel even more inadequate and unlovable than he made me feel back then. Why do I hear of boomerangs and "they always come back" stories and my phone is silent. Was "I" that bad??? I was vulnerable I think I was attracted and vulnerable in the first place because I was at a crossroads, facing losing my mother, a …
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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: Why, after 20 years, did I let my abusive ex back into my life?
UPDATED FOR 2021. Lovefraud received the following email from a reader. whom we'll call "Camille," who asks, why did I let my abusive ex back? When I was 16, I began a relationship with a guy that was 20. I met him through a mutual friend. We began a relationship that was volatile and tumultuous. I was a senior in high school. I would get out of school midday on a work program, but instead of going to work, I would go to his house. He would force me to have sex with him, steal from me, and physically abuse me. He would call me and apologize and I do not know why, but I would always go back. One day he called me and told me that he wanted to take me to eat at one of his friend's …
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My psychopathic ex-husband is dead, and his pedophile brother is in prison
My psychopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, died on February 16, 2021, in New South Wales, Australia. I heard about it a few days later from the woman he married after me. James Montgomery was still my husband when he married her; it was the second time he committed bigamy. But hey, who’s counting? The news that James Montgomery died had no effect on me. In fact, the same day I learned about my ex-husband’s death, I also saw the obituary in the newspaper for the first man I dated after I graduated from college. For him, I felt sadness. For my ex-husband, I felt nothing. That’s probably why it took me so long to write that James Montgomery died here on Lovefraud. It simply didn’t ma …
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My father married a psychotherapist and pathological narcissist
Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader whom we’ll call Kurt21 about his father’s new wife. Therapists concluded that the woman was a pathological narcissist. My father is on his third wife “P.” I was opposed to their marriage due to the previous disastrous and expensive divorces. Just prior to their marriage Dad revealed to me the nature of his financial arrangements with P, and those arrangements mimic the community-property constraints that are setting him up for yet another expensive separation (should that occur). Why would he do that, and why would P (herself a two-time divorcee) accept such an arrangement? P is a licensed psychotherapist. Shortly af …
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5 warning signs of narcissistic rage and what you should do
Something happens — perhaps even something small — and your partner explodes. He or she launches into a tirade, slams doors, throws things and appears to be on the edge of physical violence. What do you do? Narcissistic rage is really scary. The rager may yell, scream, curse, demean, belittle, shake fists and back you into a corner — and that's assuming the person doesn't get violent. If the situation escalates, the rager may throw or break items, punch the wall — possibly next to your head — and threaten you. Some may lose control totally and physically strike you. Usually, the display of aggression is way out of proportion to whatever it was that supposedly triggered the anger. Narcis …
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