UPDATED FOR 2024. If you're like most Lovefraud readers, you're here because you were romantically involved with a sociopath. This person probably declared love for you repeatedly, exuberantly and convincingly. Then the individual lied to you, betrayed you, cheated on you, abused you and perhaps even threatened you. You were left stunned, distraught and devastated. How could someone who loved you treat you so badly? A letter Lovefraud received from a self-identified sociopath explains how she loves. It might help you understand why that person's love was so shallow: I have read several articles on your site out of curiosity and boredom over the past few weeks, and I agree with …
He used me from the start
Editor’s note: A young woman from India recounts her experience with a man whom she now knows is a sociopath. She says, “He used me from the start.” I found out about his disorder just a few days back. I was looking for answers, trying to understand this disorder better and also make sense of what happened to me and that is how I found Lovefraud.com. I met him in 2019, almost 5 years ago and was in a relationship with him since then till about a few days ago when I found out about him. He manipulated and lied to me the whole time. I would have never found out about his disorder had the other woman who he was cheating me with, magically I would say, by the Almighty's grace somehow manag …
After the sociopath, proud of my healing
It was a weeknight in 1996. My talented teenage daughter sat at the kitchen table, dutifully doing homework important to her. Meanwhile, at 48 years old, I was behind my closed bedroom door, on my bed, chain-smoking and weeping on the phone to friends who generously gave me their time. "How can this be?" I lamented. "Last week, I felt so loved, like everything was falling into place. And now, with a few snide remarks about my ‘failure to comprehend basic math’ and other cruel criticisms, here I am again. How can this be?" I swallowed another TUMS tablet, trying to ease the acidic ache in my stomach. For two long pre-Lovefraud.com, pre-YouTube years, friends gave me their time, lis …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: This is the time for me to learn who I am
UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's Note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we'll call "Adelade." After the sociopath, she says, this is the time to learn who she is. Since the collapse of my second marriage, I have learned more than I would ever have wanted to know about sociopathy and their source targets - better known as, "victims." At one point, I had believed that my second marriage was stable, trust-based, and supportive, but I have recounted the years and the stunning discoveries that I made about my ex, and the symptoms (or, Red Flags) were all there, though they were more subtle and the absence of physical abuse, helped to frame the ex's facade. Through some …
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15 valuable lessons from ‘The Sociopath Next Door’
UPDATED FOR 2024. The Sociopath Next Door, by Martha Stout, Ph.D., is a classic for describing sociopathic behavior. I read the book when it was first published in early 2005, shortly before Lovefraud launched. Thirteen years later, I read read it again. I've learned a lot about sociopaths during those 13 years, so the second read was certainly a different experience. The first time I read the book, much of what Stout wrote was a revelation. Here are my observations from the second time around: Stout does a good job of describing sociopathic motivation, but her book fails to capture how dangerous and destructive these people are. The reason, I believe, is that this was never a book …
LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: She was deceiving both of us and living a double life
Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following email from a man whom we'll call "Roger." He says his girlfriend was seeing two men at once, deceiving both of them and living a double life. UPDATED FOR 2024: First off this is a man's story and I hope it will help other men who have had to deal with sociopathic women. No offense women but most stories here are written by women! So I met my X-fiancee about 3 years at a job function. She was beautiful, sweet, caring, attractive — just seemed like an extremely “genuine” person at the time. We would constantly email each other all day and the more we conversed, the more I was realizing how similar we both were in every way. We were both divo …
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When you discover the appalling truth, do not confront the sociopath
UPDATED FOR 2024. You've felt like something was off about your romantic partner for a long time, but you could never quite figure out what it was. Then, suddenly and harshly, you learn the truth. You discover that this person is cheating on you. Or forged your signature to open up credit cards. Or has kids you never knew about. Or is only pretending to go to work every day. Or is married to someone else. However it happened, you learn that your partner is betraying you. Your first instinct is to confront your partner and demand answers. DON'T DO IT. When you learn what is really going on, the best thing you can do is nothing, at least temporarily. Do not lash out. Instead, no matter how …
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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: To the liar named SHAME!
UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: The following was sent to Lovefraud by the reader who posts as “Adelle.” She realized she was listening to a liar named shame, and banished it from her life. Looking back now, I realize how much damage SHAME can do. Of course the Spaths do the damage but along the way we pick up things that we think keep us safe. These things that we cling to so tightly do exactly the opposite of what we think they do. Shame was one of my worst enemies in my SP experience. I didn't want anyone to know, what would they say? What would they think of me? They won't believe me! When I finally started telling people about my experience, I got the occasional, “Not you …
5 tips for dealing with a sociopath
Lovefraud's standard advice for interacting with a sociopath is not to interact at all, to implement a strict policy of No Contact. Unfortunately, this isn't always possible. Perhaps you share children with a sociopathic ex-partner. Or perhaps you have a disordered boss or co-worker, and aren't yet able to find new employment. Or perhaps some member of your family is disordered. If you have no choice but to interact with a problem person, here are some tips that may help you. Do not react emotionally. Sociopaths will often do or say unpleasant things just to provoke a reaction out of you. Do not take the bait. Remember, all sociopaths really want is to win. If they get an emotional …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Hooked by an Internet predator
UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader whom we'll call “Greta.” She writes about being hooked by an internet predator. After being married for 23 years to an alcoholic, being sad and lonely, I was vulnerable and targeted by a sociopath online through Facebook. I live in the US, he was from the Netherlands but living in Italy at time. He sent me a random friend request, I accepted, we talked on instant message chat occasionally for about 9 months and then he zeroed in. He speaks 5 languages fluently and has traveled to many countries. He is very bright and articulate. We had similar interests, especially spiritually, or at least th …
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