How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Leaving the abuser, then expected to co-parent

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we'll call “Gloria." I have been divorced from my abusive husband (mental, physical, sexual against me but he NEVER LEFT A MARK ON ME) for 11 years and we have 3 teenagers together. I have known him 20 years. For most of this time, I have been puzzled about why I could not "move on" after the divorce. Yes, I left him. During the marriage I did not know the name "abusive," so I just kept trying to be a good wife and mother, fulfill my marriage commitment, etc., but then I woke up just enough to know that it was "abusive" and I left. We had gone to about 8 couples counselors during the marriage, a …

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Letter to Lovefraud: I’m looking on POF, but I’m scared to move forward

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Lovefraud received the following email from a reader who gives her pseudonym as “Erica.” I've been in love with a sociopath for 5 and a half years. He lives in Portland and I live here in Vegas so that has been a great thing, however he still haunts me and I'm trying to move on so I'm enclosing a profile from an online dating site and I'd like to get your opinion of the things that he says. I'm scared to move forward because I'm scared that I'll attract another one. I seem to be surrounded by narcissism and sociopathy and I'm tired and I'm scared and I lack trust to move forward. Donna please share my email on lovefraud.com so that I can get some feedback from other mem …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: They are everywhere and they inflict serious damage

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as “Trista.” We previously posted her story, “LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I was dismissed with a shrug.” Well, Trista's story continues. I have written to you long ago telling how my S husband destroyed my life. I would never think that I would meet another one, even worst than the first. I wonder why I attract those people. This is a sad story that is still now breaking my heart. I'm giving this to you and to the site. I'm writing from Brazil, where I moved after my divorce. The very first week here I was looking for a flat and someone told me about an estate agent who could help. I went to me …

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5 Reasons why the sociopath’s behavior in your relationship makes no sense

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Shock. Confusion. Disbelief. These are common experiences when you’re romantically involved with a sociopath. The sociopath's behavior in your relationship makes no sense. You ask yourself, or your friends, or your therapist, questions like: Sociopathic behaviors are so confusing because your expectations about what a romantic relationship is, and how people who are supposed to be in love treat each other, are totally different from those of the sociopath. You believe that when people are in love, you are good and kind to each other. You treat each other with respect. You support and value each other. You don’t lie, and you don’t intentionally hurt each other …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I want the woman back that I fell in love with, but I know it is impossible

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: Lovefraud received this e-mail from a man who posts as “Drained.' I guess I have been in a bit of a hole for a while now and have generally been going through a rough time, which in hindsight may have made me ripe for the picking by my sociopathic ex girlfriend. I had been unhappy in a previous long term relationship (prior to meeting my SP) for a considerable time, my ex partner is an amazing person, however we grew apart and were more suited as friends than lovers. I had been in this relationship for 12 years. My father passed away last year after losing his battle with cancer, which was incredibly hard to watch. I have been battling depression for s …

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Dear Friend: Please do not take back your sociopathic partner

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: This is the letter that everyone who has broken up with a sociopathic partner should receive. (It refers to the sociopath as “he,” but the sociopath can also be “she.”) Dear Friend, We’ve known each other for a long time. We’ve been there for each other through thick and thin. I care about you, even though I haven’t been able to spend much time with you recently — ever since he came into your life. I heard that the two of you have broken up. I’m thrilled. Are you surprised? Did you expect me to be upset about your breakup? I’m not. The guy is no good for you. In fact, he’s no good for anyone. You may not want to hear this, but the person who …

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I would rather be homeless than spend another day feeling soul-less

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UPDATED FOR 2024: Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following letter from a reader whom we'll call “Chelsea.” Wow, my eyes have been opened! My soul is trying to heal from the wounds I suffered being with what I now know without a doubt is a genuine SP man! My story begins on August 2005 when I walked into the restaurant and met who I thought was the most charming and compassionate man ever. I was with one of my best friends, and we began to chat when two fellows approached us and asked if we would like a drink. It seem harmless to us at the time, and we accepted their offer and began chatting with them. The first man seemed intoxicated and was acting very loud and immature. He was …

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Sociopaths and sexually explicit photos

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UPDATED FOR 2024. My sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, had a collection of photos of naked women. The photos were not of me. I discovered the photos one day while he wasn't home and I was looking for a phone number. I opened his desk drawer, and there they were — no faces, just pictures of certain body parts. Stunned, I threw the photos in the trash. When Montgomery came home, I confronted him. "I found your photos. Who are these women?" I demanded. Montgomery was nonchalant. "They're from my past. Nothing for you to worry about." "Why do you have them?" I demanded. "I look at them from time to time. It helps me stay faithful to you. Where are they?" "I threw t …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Final words to the sociopath

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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: Lovefraud received this e-mail from a reader who we'll call “Judith.” I hope you read this, you know who you are. I have remained silent for too long. I never used my voice to express how I felt about your actions toward me. I stayed quiet while you stalked and harassed me when I chose to cut all ties with you. I was too worried about what would happen if I spoke up. During that time, I thought no reaction from me would be best and it was. I've since changed my mind and I have determined that there is a difference between "reacting" and using my voice to heal myself. In the last few years, I've done well. I never went back or got caught up in your d …

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Even though we break up, we continue to see each other

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When I was 45 years old and fresh out of a divorce, I started an almost 3-year long distance relationship with a man that is 18 years younger than me. It was supposed to just be fun and it was until it wasn't.  We met on airplane, both of us going to work. He is an officer on a tugboat and I an administrator of a private independent school. We had 30 days of getting to know each other over text, phone calls and FaceTime while he was on the boat. Once off the boat we decided to meet and we met up every time he got home the entire course of this relationship.  The first year was a situationship. He led me to believe there was no one else, yet we had not defined the …

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