UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a woman who we'll call, “Cybil.” She was married to a sociopath, and is now raising two toddlers, paying 75% or more of their support, and being run into the courts, stalked, threatened and harassed.Today I was thinking about this comment I get a lot from the supposed "resources" I have. What I have found is that there really is not much in the way for resources out there for abused women. Even my family, who have been helpful and are starting to "get it" little by little, can be a little backhanded in their support.The comment goes like this: "Well, you chose this guy. You chose to have kids with this guy." It is a …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Trying to expose the sociopath made matters worse for me
UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following from a reader who we'll refer to as “Tanya” about her experience of trying to expose the sociopath.I was 35 when I met my sociopath — we'll call him Dave. I was in a top twenty graduate business program — a magnet for narcissists and sociopaths, by the way! A culture that so prizes appearances, financial accumulation, and power must seem irresistible to people with those disorders.Dave seemed so great at first — attentive, interesting, intelligent, open, honest, fun. My friends warned that he was too flirty — but I only took that as a sign that he was desirable and, hey, I won him over when others had failed.We were off and on …
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How the messages we hear all our lives keep us vulnerable to sociopaths
UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: Lovefraud received the following email from a woman who signed it "Tired of Being Targeted." Her letter is an opportunity to explain why we are all vulnerable to sociopaths. My son's wife sends me nasty text messages and leaves insulting voice messages. Then she complains to her husband I'm being rude and disrespectful to her. It's crazy making and she's clearly projecting.In the past I took the high road and didn't tell him but all it got me was year after year of estrangement from my son. With nobody to speak in my defense and expose the truth and her unfounded slander habit, I finally decided to send him a long letter and copy him on all her text messages. …
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How disordered motivation explains psychopathic behavior
UPDATED FOR 2024. Why do they do it? If you've ever tangled with a psychopath, you've certainly asked yourself that question. Why do psychopaths engage in harmful and destructive behavior?Most psychopathy researchers explain the nasty behavior of these disordered individuals in terms of deficits. They say that because psychopaths lack empathy and impulse control, they engage in antisocial behavior.To Lovefraud author Dr. Liane Leedom, this makes no sense — it implies that if it weren't for empathy and impulse control, everybody would be a psychopath. Deficits don't cause behavior, she says. Motivation causes behavior.Human motivational systemsIn a chapter that she wrote for the book P …
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Vocabulary 101: 10 terms to help you name your experience with a sociopath
UPDATED FOR 2024. One of the reasons why it's so difficult to explain what happens when you're involved with a sociopath is that you don't have the words. Because of the general lack of awareness about personality disorders in society, and the lack of education about it, for years there was no generally accepted terminology to describe various aspects of the experience. But descriptive language has evolved among online communities of survivors. Here are 10 terms to help you name your experience with a sociopath. When you can name it, you can begin to recover from it. 1. Love Bombing When sociopaths set about reeling you in, a key seduction strategy is love bombing. They shower you with …
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Protecting your financial assets from devious romantic partners
You probably have financial assets — bank accounts, credit cards, a good job, your own home, investments or pensions. If you’re also looking for a dating partner, know that having financial assets makes you a nice, juicy target.Sociopaths often hook up with romantic partners specifically for the purpose of draining your financial assets. Even if you’re not wealthy, and you just have regular income from a job, Social Security or disability income, these lowlifes will try to take whatever you’ve got.I learned this the hard way. When I met my ex-husband, who was age 55 at the time (although he lied about his age), I owned my home, was making good money from my writing business and putting money …
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The narcissistic serial bully
By Joanie Bentz, BS, M.Ed., LBS, CCBPBullies come in all shapes and sizes, and can be anyone in your family, circle of friends or work environment. But how do we define a serial bully? The word serial means episodical, or appearing regularly. “A serial bully is a type of person who tends to try and constantly harass or offend people by trying to become more dominant and controlling over them,” according to Depression-guide.com.The key idea here is “constantly harass.” It’s a pattern of behavior that occurs in intervals and successively as a means to some type of gratification, which varies, depending on the bully’s goals. To be clear, the serial bu …
10 reasons why sociopaths’ lies seem so believable
UPDATED FOR 2024: When we finally figure out that just about everything a sociopath told us is a lie, we are shocked. How can anyone lie so fluently? And why did we fall for it? Here are 10 reasons why the sociopath's lies seem so believable: Sociopaths tell you how honest they are Early on, sociopaths may tell you how much they value honesty, and that truthfulness is the foundation of all relationships. Their objective is to convince you of their trustworthiness, so that when you encounter their lies, you don't see them. Sociopaths lie while they look directly into your eyes Some experts say that if people look up and to their right while speaking, it's a sign that they are …
A cult of two – you and the sociopath
Cult leaders are charismatic, charming, egocentric and manipulative, and their key strategy for recruiting followers is love bombing. Does this sound like the sociopath you encountered? If you’re involved with a sociopath, you may be in a cult of two — you and the sociopath.At first - love bombingWhen you were targeted as the sociopath’s new romantic interest, it’s quite possible that you were showered with more attention, adoration, and perhaps gifts than you’d ever experienced. You may have felt giddy with excitement. You may have felt that you were placed on a pedestal so high that the air around you was thin and you could hardly breathe.When they’re in full seduction mode, sociopaths want …
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: The most important one-liner you will ever hear
UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor's note: The following article was submitted by the Lovefraud reader who posts as “Genevieve79.” She explains the Crazymaking One-Liner.I've reached the age of 30 having been on the receiving end of a number of personality disordered individuals, mostly female but the odd male too. I spent (wasted?!) my twenties ducking and diving these people, even changing career direction several times, because I didn't know how else to deal with them.As I approach my 31st birthday I think I have finally begun to crack it! These people are actually very predictable if we know how to spot them early on. An experience with yet another one on a professional forum this weekend gave me t …
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